But it is the the true story of my fathers love for his children
Poetry / Truth
“Daddy loved: wine, women. Not kids.”
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oknapp reviewed Version 1 -
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very sad. You summed up a life—a feeling in six words. I see nothing to change. It is perfect as it is. It is powerful and evokes feeling. SANDI
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Astriapo reviewed Version 1 -
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Life and art are intertwinted.
On creative life, this is pretty good. I think it may be missing something, though. Perhaps a different word for intertwined. Maybe intertwined should be something like “reflections”.
Not sure, though.
dust reviewed Version 1 -
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honest and simple. a little bit ironic.
Jt311 reviewed Version 1 -
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I really enjoyed this. I could see this expanded into a lengthy poem, or a story. Great Job.
LadyArmand reviewed Version 1 -
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The sadness and personal truth of this can be felt through each word. It is however a feeling unfortunately shared by way too many people.
A_Silly_Lady_Novelist reviewed Version 1 -
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Oooh, I really like this one. It’s clear in one it means, yet there’s a world of possibility behind the words. Nice job!
oneshot92 reviewed Version 1 -
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I really like this one. Great work. I want to see this one in.
davidblaine reviewed Version 1 -
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Truth? Well, subjective truth perhaps. Maybe objective. I gave you a 9 for clarity. This line really grabs my attention. It would be a great opening line for a story. I’m not sure it’s a fantastic memoir though. Too much to do with the third person, daddy, and not enough about you. You could focus it a bit more by making the last word about you. Not me. ’
The title, a bit profound. Have you considered something else? Childhood Lessons, or Early Lessons?
I hope this is of some help, best of luck,
David
MarcyBoBarcy reviewed Version 1 -
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I don’t really like it… It feels like you just ripped off “For sale: baby shoes, never worn” not only in punctuation and structure, but also content. They could almost be continuations of each other. That may be a good thing for some people but I think it’s borderline plagiarism… It’s just not very original.
BillRetoff reviewed Version 1 -
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Good. Reminds me of he loved wine, women, and song.
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