Thank you. This is about my late daughter who committed suicide, thus the chilly details. I appreciate your critique. I am encouraged to complete the rest of the poems which complete this series.
Peace,
Susan
Poetry / Winter Zone (Analysis)
Winter Zone~for Jess
Old white trees breathe
underneath a sea of winter.
Skeleton branches sleep
in stark, arctic air.
A frail sun slinks along a short
path until it reaches the edge
of Vermont by late afternoon.
My daughter’s body
is now beyond Madonna Mountain.
She is the very stream of my doubt
merged into a maelstrom that the
weather freezes from water.
By the time it is night
near the house my own guilt
shoots the best of myself out.
Patiently, I wait for nature
to turn back the curtains of spring.
Far behind the Norwegian
pine line, I search to find her
already gone.
My hands hold the frayed threads
of a quilt I lay down and believe
she might manage to gather herself
back up six feet from under the earth.
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MikeMartyr reviewed Version 1 -
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This is a really great poem, I just got really sad. The winter and spring thing works very well, and the writing is very well structured. I love the realism and imagery. The specific names works very well here, and I adore the last stanza.
I know it doesn’t mean much from a complete stranger, but I am extremely sorry you had to experience such a tragedy. Good luck, and persevere.
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melissa_is_hiding reviewed Version 1 -
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Very eerie, disturbing and a little bit freezing!
Quite strong visual imagery with the “old white trees”. The personification of them breathing and sleeping was also a nice touch.
I very much enjoy poetry that doesn’t rhyme and maintains the flow of a more simplistic/traditional poem.
Poignant, well-written and passionate
gbaurbis reviewed Version 1 -
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Before writing this I found a website: Madonna Mountain at Smugglers Notch, and your opening is perfect. It is beautiful but with the hoarfrost, snow, a sublime setting it does seem desolate.
Your line ”...beyond Madonna mountain,” Is heartbreaking.
the last two lines of 2nd stz. are unclear in contrast to your crisp images.
The ending is powerful.
I think this is almost complete. Thank you for your courage to post this. I think it helped you and will be helping other people.
Blessings.
oknapp reviewed Version 1 -
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I am so sorry. I feel your pain in this poem.
By the time it is night
near the house my own guilt
shoots the best of myself out
I think this needs work. it ruins the flow of this otherwise beautiful dedication to your daughter.
As night drops i’ts dark curtian upon my thoughts
My own grey guilt threatens the beauty of my memories.
Yet i wait for nature to…..
I am not trying to intrude on your memories i just feel you could make this more potent. I love the rest of the poem. It flows well and is a sad commentary. Its words and descriptions are so potent. The winterscape is sad but yet serene in a sense that a beautiful land is only touched by the sun and the snow.
Madonna Mountain- fragile sun. The fragile sun is such a good description and may allude to your daughters fragile mental state that you could not reach that. Please do not blame yourself. Goodspeed, Sandi
ScorpionHunter reviewed Version 1 -
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“underneath a sea of winter” The word sea just doesn’t seem realistic to me. Winter is more like a blanket covering everything.
“By the time it is night
near the house my own guilt . . .” This could be rewritten a number of ways to make it more eloquent.
“to turn back the curtains of spring”
Do you mean “to (draw back) the curtains of spring”? Because curtains don’t normally “turn” this image is impotent.
“My hands hold the frayed threads
of a quilt I lay down and believe
she might manage to gather herself
back up six feet from under the earth.”
Try inserting “as” between “quilt” and “I” This would make sense.
Please continue to improve the few little things. This poem is too beautiful and eloquent to not finish. I really liked this and have so much respect for you because you were able to articulate this so well. Thank you for sharing this.
Marvin reviewed Version 1 -
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“arctic air.
A frail sun”—consider breaking this into two stanzas. it might read better and give the images more power.
“of a quilt I lay down and believe”—not sure if you’re laying down the “quilt” or if you’re laying down here. I understand the intention of this last stanza but overall, it read odd.
“to turn back the curtains of spring.”—initially, this read odd, and I was thinking that “pull back” might be more effective, however, seeing as the work has a “time” theme, “turn back” could work.
Overall, very somber and moving. I’d only consider reworking the structure a bit to make it a bit easier to read. Separate images and thoughts to make them more distinct and resonant.
But mind you, I’m just one man with one opinion.
And while I am sorry for the loss of your daughter, please consider holding back this information here. As a place that offers reviews and criticism, by offering that information you’re making it harder for the reader to remain objective. Perhaps save the dedication for when this piece works its way into print.
Good luck. M
enamorado32407 reviewed Version 1 -
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This was a really good piece. I liked the discripitiveness of it. I also got a slight sense of pain when I read it.
GreenIguana reviewed Version 1 -
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I like the imagery of this poem, but I think a poem is best when a large number of people can relate to it. If it’s written just for personal reasons it is more like therapy. If you change “my daughter’s body” to “a daughter’s body” it would help.
I like the first and last stanzas, especially the “frail sun slinking.”
I was puzzled by your daughter becoming the stream of your doubt. I like the comparison of your doubt to the frozen maelstrom. But that is about you and not your daughter. I wasn’t sure I understood “shoot the best of myself out.” Did you mean destroy the best of yourself, or propel the best of yourself?
youngwriter92 reviewed Version 1 -
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Aww how sad i’m so sorry. Your poem is really good though. I love how you describe things. It’s sad but i think that you did a good job.
gbryananderson reviewed Version 1 -
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I fell apart reading this.
Why is this publishable -overall? I am being technical here: you have 4 straight stanzas here.
1st stz. are pines buried deep in a vermont winter. They aren’t dead.
in a weird way I think they are from Colorado.
2nd stz. Isn’t, Madonna Mountain, a mountain in California?
3rd stz. Could you use imagery for us from Norway, Bergen, Trondhiem?
I love your lost.
What I am saying, is to be specific. Love.
Blessings, Gregory
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