Short Story / Servant of Osiris (Analysis)
Kiesha hurried down a back alley on her way to the train station on Canal Street. She knew it was a bit more isolated and a little darker, but she was tired and this was a short cut and she’d taken it many times before without incident, so what the hell. At nine o’clock in the evening, it had been a very long day starting at five this morning and wasn’t even close to being over yet. As soon as Kiesha got home, there were e-mails to send out and phone calls to make. She had to make sure everyone who was supposed to attended class tomorrow afternoon, knew the room had been changed and that they would be starting an hour later, because Murice, the head of the division, had a meeting due to last until two.
The most important thing right now was to get on the train and get a break, for as long as it took to get home. This time of night she knew she could get a seat on the A train, headed back into Brooklyn. As she moved down the street, she wished she’d worn a heavier jacket and flatter shoes. She was getting cold, her feet were tired and until right this minute, she hadn’t realized how hungry she was. Her stomach growled in protest at not having anything today except a mini bagel with cream cheese. The coffee she’d been downing all day like liquid crack, was beginning to catch up to her and her head felt like a led weight.
Out of the corner of her eye, Kiesha saw something move. She thought at first it might be a cat or a homeless person, but she wasn’t going to stay around long enough to find out. This was just the kind of thing that happened in movies. Some stupid girls goes down a dark alley to take a shortcut home, there’s a noise she feels compelled to investigate or she freezes and something reaches out of the blackness and that’s it for said stupid girl.
“Well, fuck you,” said to no one in particular and the universe specifically, “this ain’t that kind of movie, son.” She finished but started moving faster. The train station was only a few feet away all she had to do was get there and she’d be safe. Well, as safe as anyone got in Manhattan at nine o’clock at night on a Thursday.
The shadow she’d spied grew larger and was accompanied the rushing sound of garbage in the wind. Kiesha sprinted the last few yards to the train station and was down the stairs in record time. She was glad she’d decided to take out her metro card before she left her office. She swiped and was through the turnstile and headed for the middle of the platform. She felt better when she saw there were a couple of people waiting for the train.
“Girl, get a grip,” she muttered to herself as he willed her heart to beat normally, “you’re just tired is all.”
When the train came, she was surprised and rather glad to have most of the car to herself. She sat down, her purse on her lap the other bag containing her laptop and work papers she placed next to her. Only peripherally did she notice the large well-dressed man who boarded the car with her. Since he sat at the far end of the compartment, she didn’t worry about him. The doors closed and soon the train was moving through the station and on into the darkened tunnel towards its next stop.
Kiesha closed her eyes, deciding to take a short nap. It was only a few seconds but something told her to open her eyes. When she did, standing in front of her was the large man from the other end of the car. He was smiling down at her, his teeth a diseased looking yellow, his eyes silver, his air although slick seemed to be matted to his head, and his skin was an unnatural looking cooper with hues of green to it under the eyes and around the mouth.
“What,” she said incredulously, “do I know you?”
The man’s smile broadened pissing Kiesha off. The day had been too long and she was too tired for this shit. “I am a servant of Seth.” The man began.
Mistaking what the man had actually said for an introduction Kiesha said. “Look, I don’t give a cripple crab what your name is, get outta my face.” she spat out her hand digging into her purse for her pepper spray.
“You have fire in your eyes, it is fitting. My master will be pleased.” The man said bending slightly to get a better look at her.
Having found what she was looking for in the depths of her purse, Kiesha pulled out the small red container, aimed it at the man’s face, and sprayed. “I said get the fuck out of my face asshole.”
The spray didn’t seem to have any effect on the man, but it was starting to make her eyes water and it was getting harder to breathe. The man reached down and took the pepper spray from her hand. He looked at it for a moment. “Yes, my master will be very pleased.”
Becoming frantic, Kiesha tired to move out of the man’s personal space. All she wanted to do was get into the next car then off the train. His presence stilled her, as if invisible hands locked around her arms and were pressing her deeper into the seat. She wanted to scream, but her throat tightened up. Suddenly, she was lost in a black void. She knew they were moving, but she couldn’t feel her own body, her mind was slipping from her as well, although she thought for a brief instance, there was something she had to do. Something important, but it was lost to her now, lost in the blackness, lost to the movement of the thing surrounding her, lost to…Isis. But who was Isis?
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It’s put together well so far, leading the reader not so much by the nose but at least by the lapel, which makes it a far more relaxing read. I like the idea of using Egyptian Gods in a story, and your representation of the servant of Seth is apt. There are some lapses in grammar(which is highly overrated anyway) but its technically sound. The only things are: 1- Who is the Servant of Orsiris? I guess thats coming in a later installment, but first introducing the Servant of Seth and then Keisha and Isis, it makes it kinda confusing and 2: some of the spelling leaves interpretation vague
‘bcause Murice, the head of the division, ‘I don’t give a cripple crab’? Two very minor points but things which should be addressed, for what is a cripple crab? In all, good start, let me know when more is available
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This grabbed my interest with the first sentence with the action. I also liked how you have your character talking to herself, as the dialogue makes this more interesting, especially as it is rather comical:
Out of the corner of her eye, Kiesha saw something move. She thought at first it might be a cat or a homeless person, but she wasn’t going to stay around long enough to find out. This was just the kind of thing that happened in movies. Some stupid girls goes down a dark alley to take a shortcut home, there’s a noise she feels compelled to investigate or she freezes and something reaches out of the blackness and that’s it for said stupid girl.
The ending also sets the stage for further developments—so the reader will tune in for the next chapter.
Good job.
I liked it. Keisha has a relatable voice and character. I think the piece could be richer if you bring her voice into it more, actually. “I don’t give a cripple crab” is just funny as hell. When she is speaking, the story is its most engaging, so consider writing in her voice perhaps instead of just describing what she does. Let her narrate and “think” in that same voice.
Just a thought.
...short cut that she’d taken many times… cut out an unnecessary and. I was caught up in this relatively short piece and DO want to read more. I like the potrayal of the servant of Seth – his language and appearance, although he is so unnatural looking wouldn’t the woman’s reaction be a bit stronger when he approaches her? I particularly liked your expression at the end as she slipped away to…?
Very interesting read. I like the mood of the story, very descriptive, especially the alley and the fear-mixed-with-fearlessness of the main character. There were a few run-on sentences in the first couple of paragraphs, but nothing too bad. The only phrasing I felt was off enough to stop and wonder about was ” she spat out her hand digging into her purse for her pepper spray. ” Perhaps you meant “shot”?
Overall, though, the story is excellent. I look forward to reading more!
I look forward to reading more, but I think a lot of people will get to the end and be annoyed that they still have no idea what the story is about. I like what I’m assuming is going to be a a mix of modern and mythology. Isis is mentioned, and I’m not sure if She’s the master you’re referring to, but if it is, it should be Mistress. I think I’d be much better qualified to review this once more is written.
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