Thank you very much.
Sci Fi & Fantasy / Rough Draft (Soul Mate - Chapter One)
Present Year 2000
Something smelled funny, sea air mixed with dirt and fertilizer? The stench tickled her nose. Julia opened her eyes, her vision being clear in the center but fuzzy around the edges. Revealing, she was on the ground; in an outdoor shed. There was glass, dirt, pots, and plants, broken and scattered all over the floor. Her head throbbed in pain, she quickly rolled over just in time for a huge blob to come crashing down, where her head had been. Taking deep breaths she stumbled to her feet and placed her hand on a table covered in broken glass. She heard the crackling and tensed, expected the pain; no feeling came. Looking down on what she expected to be her hand. Wait, that’s not my hand, she thought. She only saw a bloody, masculine hand. She tried blinking her eyes but this body would not respond. It was focused on this blob that was approaching quickly. The blob was moving so fast that she only got a glimpse of fur as it rushed by a stream of moonlight. What was that? Without effort or thinking she held up an axe as the thing flew in her direction, cutting the head off. There was a huge thud behind her and she turned to watch the head roll away from the werewolf body, spewing blood everywhere. It splattered in her face, she wanted to jolt in revulsion but she couldn’t move. At that point Julia realized this was not happening, it was only one of her visions. She was viewing this from within someone else, living their terror. This had happened in the past, only a few times but this was so clear….so real.
“Are you ok?” a voice appeared. Julia’s vision turned to see a woman’s figure approaching her, as she touched the body, Julia’s vision went black
Julia’s eyes weren’t open but she was fully aware that she was still curled up in the chair she had fallen asleep in. Her heart was pounding at her chest, her breathing was rapid. The cool, night breeze from the open window brushed along her face. It danced in a curl of her hair which tickled her nose. She took in a deep breath and smelt the salty, sea air. She exhaled and relaxed, her heart and breathing became regular again. That is what had happened, the breeze and salty air must have provoked a dream. She extended out her arms and legs. Stretching her cramped muscles from being curled up in the chair; letting the tension seep from her body.
That felt good, maybe she would make an appointment for a massage. Ah, she pictured herself relaxed and enjoying hands rubbing all her tension away. She stood and took a few steps to the picture window, her ideal view of the ocean. The stars were shining bright and the moon was peeking out from behind a gray, misty cloud. She fell in love with the condo’s view as soon as she saw it but that was in daylight. She never imagined the view would also be so wonderful by moonlight.
How she loved the sight and sounds of the sea, they always seemed to calm her. Mother nature’s arms rocking you back and fourth. Her voice whispering in Shhhhh’s. Her smell, clean and crisp. Yet, salty and sometimes fishy. Julia wrinkled her nose at that. She was glad she was high up enough not to get that smell. She closed the side panel window, which had been open.
The view was similar to a vision that, lately kept repeating in her dreams. With that and a few other weird dreams, she followed her instincts and it had led her to this nautical town. She had been lucky to come across an opening at this complex. It was only a few years old and the location had very desirable views. Entering the condo complex you first appear in the parking lot. From there you could view the full complex. The building began at the sides of the lot and arched towards the ocean, three floors to the building with alternating stairways from the outside. To the back, a lavish garden and kept yard, outlined with a picket, white fence. Before the earth dropped onto a rocky cliff; which met the crashing waves of the ocean. The back of every condo faced out to sea. Julia imagined the views they must hold.
Julia un-wrapped the bubble wrap and placed the last mug in an upper kitchen cabinet. The tea kettle whistled, she had finally unpacked every box which read kitchen, in black marker. She had started earlier and decided she might as well finish. Julia yawned, could she still be tired? Well she had, had a busy day. She chuckled to herself, she didn’t own much but she had moved what she did own by herself. So, she would consider that an accomplishment.
Pouring steaming water into a cup of chamomile tea, she glanced over the counter into the living room at her new place. A smile crept over her face, she hugged her hands over the warm mug and lifted it to her lips. She was embracing this new life, without Abigail and away from all she had ever known. She was empowered with excitement and being happy. Yet, fearful of being alone.
Julia held her breath, turned her head and concentrated on a noise coming from outside. Shattering or was it scratching sounds? She walked over to the small kitchen window and peered out. Looking down she surveyed the grounds until she observed a green house. She squinted, was that broken glass? Her eyes became focused and with the moonlight she could clearly see two figures walking out of the building. She made out a figure of a man followed by a woman. The two figures had stopped and were deep in conversation, which was evident by the woman’s hand gestures. Even with Julia’s exceptional hearing she could not make out what was being said.
Before Julia realized it, she was closing her door and heading towards the back of the complex; towards the figures. It was only a dream, she repeated in her mind as she descended the stairwell. She stopped abruptly at the bottom of the stairs. She had, had visions before. Come to think of it, they usually involved being trapped within a body. A male body! Similar to the others, this one made as much sense as her wondering in the night after two strangers.
What was she doing? Was she still dreaming? Had complete exhaustion taken over, possibly making her sleep walk? While contemplating answers her feet led her to the corner of the building. Peeking around the corner with closed eyes, she counted to three. Opening her eyes and gazing out into the yard, she breathed a deep sigh of relief; the greenhouse appeared empty. Moonlight illuminating the steel frame with glass cracked and shattered but no sign of anyone. She slouched her shoulders and leaned back against the wall. Her gut knotted as she heard a car door shutting in the parking lot. She came this far, why not go check it out? Her curiosity was out weighing her fear by far. Julia sprinted around the corner and down towards the parked cars, keeping to the shadows of the stairwell.
There was a man getting into a white work van, older model; maybe ‘95. She scanned the lot, no one else was around. Her heart was pounding uncontrollably and she was filled with confusion. She had to get closer, she wanted to see his face. It took a minute for the van to start and the lights to come on. As the van pulled from the spot. What to do, what to do? This was it, now or never. She stepped from the darkness of the shadows, off the curb, into the lot and continued to walk towards a car; the van was passing. She reached into her pocket, padding her jeans, acting as if she sought out a set of keys. The whole time her mind was racing…....What are you doing? This is crazy?
As the van approached her curiosity, along with a compelling sensation, drew her eyes to the driver. He turned his head and her eyes locked with his. The air was taken from her lungs, she stood as time slowed around her. Her chest ached and she tried to move her arm up towards it but it was useless. Time had stopped.
He tilted his head up revealing his gorgeous face from the brim of his top hat. It must have been the reflection of light from the street lamp because his eyes shown a bright ice, blue in the darkness. A warm sensation engulfed Julia’s body and she could not resist.
Squealing tires broke her trance, she snapped her head toward the noise and watched the van swerve, nearly missing the light post and two parked cars as it drove away. She grasped a deep breath in, realizing she hadn’t breathed. The aching in her chest slowly subsided. She blinked her eyes into focus, shaking her head to try and piece together the confusion her mind was in. What had just happened? She stared in the direction the van had disappeared in. She completely missed the guys face. “Of all the times, a vision comes to me now!” She threw her hands up and twirled back towards the curb.
Looking back, once again in the direction of the van, “Well I guess I won’t be solving that mystery.” She started back towards her place. How could I have just blanked out? Thinking back, she couldn’t recall ever having a vision, while being completely awake. Was she awake? She didn’t have the energy to ponder on her confusion, she was completely exhausted.
Julia looked up into the night sky, took a deep breath and closed her eyes. She thought, what a beautiful night, just the perfect breeze and if you listened closely you could hear the waves washing up on shore; definitely time for bed. She opened her door, stepped in, and slowly closed it behind her.
*
“Cole, what is the matter with you?” Sarah asked. Cole just kept his eyes on the road and wished she wouldn’t speak. The woman in the parking lot had been a resemblance from his past. He could not comprehend what happened or maybe he just didn’t want to believe it. It couldn’t be her, could it?
“Honestly, Sarah I don’t know. I just want to get this thing back to the house.” They had completed a mission. Unfortunately, the werewolf target had been killed in the process. They had hoped to retrieve a live specimen this time.
The closest werewolf pack lived deep in the woods. They had contacted the Council for help on rogue werewolves, who were showing up out of the blue. Within a few weeks they had learned that these rogue werewolves were being infected with something; they hadn’t figured out yet. Trying to contain the infection the werewolves were advised to stay clear and the Witches would handle the problem. For a reason unknown, they had contacted Cole. He was not in any way going to help any Council until The Pristess offered him something he could not refuse. The name and where bouts of a gypsy woman he saught out for over a century.
“It’s not going anywhere. It’s dead!” She replied.
“Let’s hope so,” he mumbled under his breath.
She didn’t say another word. They pulled up to the old, brick Victorian home, Cole’s favorite style. They drove up the drive way, past the front doors, around the porch and backed up to the side. The motion sensor set off the outside light above the garage doors. The doors slid open and a tall, slender man came walking out. Sarah jumped from the van and announced “Ben, we have a problem.”
“What happened?” Ben asked as Cole opened the back doors of the van. Ben saw the body, “Doesn’t look like a problem. Looks dead to me.” He looked at Sarah, while raising his eyebrows. “And looks like a good specimen.”
“No, I mean we have a problem with Cole.” She nodded in his direction.
Ben looked at Cole questionably. Cole just rolled his eyes and yanked the body from the van. It was massive but with his vampire strength he had no problem.“Grab the head.” He commented as he walked into the opened garage. Sarah grabbed the severed head and closed the van doors.
The three of them walked through the garage and down the stairs into the basement. The basement had been converted into a make shift medical lab.Cole laid the body on an empty lab table and took a step back. Leaning against a counter and folding his arms.
“Something happened to Cole tonight.” Sarah placed the head next to the body and looked at Ben.
“What?” he questioned.
“I’m fine.” Cole answered staring at the dead body. He wasn’t fine but couldn’t let them know.
“I think this thing possessed him.” Sarah leaned towards the body to take a closer look. “I would be careful with this one.” She looked at Ben with concerned eyes.
“Possession? You think their powers have expanded?” Ben stepped closer to Sarah in aw.
“This thing is dead. That’s all that matters. I just need to feed, I’ll be fine.” Cole headed for the stairs that lead up into the house.
“We are supposed to be working together. How can I do that if you won’t be honest with me?” Sarah questioned.
Cole just ignored her. He hadn’t worked with anyone in over two hundred years. Why had he agreed to help the Witch Council? He clenched his fists. It was because he couldn’t find the gypsy on his own. He pledged he would find her and make her pay. His thoughts were interrupted.
“What happened with that woman from the parking lot?” Sarah continued, Cole just turned and looked at her. “Is that why we almost crashed?”
”Crashed?” Ben stared from Cole to Sarah. “Would someone tell me what’s going on?” Cole just turned back and went up the stairs. How could he explain something he didn’t fully understand.
“I can’t take this. We are supposed to work with him for what? What can he do for us?” Sarah paced around the examining table.
Ben looked at her, “Be realistic babe, would you or I for that matter have had the strength to take this thing out?”
“I’m going back there.” Sarah headed for the door.
“What? Why would you go back?” Ben looked up from the beast.
“I have this feeling; I just have to check it out.” Sarah had a gut feeling that they had missed something.
“I don’t always understand you but you do have good instincts so just be careful.” Ben looked back at the body, on his table. Put on his lab coat, taking out a pen from the pocket, he grabbed a notebook. Ben glanced at Sarah. “I hope you plan to take Cole with you!.” She just huffed and walked up the stairs to the garage.
Cole’s mind was spinning. Was it really ” her”? During the fight he had been so distracted, feeling a presence in his mind. He lost concentration for a minute as he tried to locate the source. It had caused him to almost lose his head. The werewolf had attacked right at that moment. He was contemplating that while he started the van. He placed the gear in drive and pressed on the gas. A sharp pain, stabbed at his chest, he turned his head and then he saw “her”. Standing in the parking lot, appearing out of no where, just as he had all those years ago.
He had smelt a subtle whiff on the night breeze of innocence and sweetness, his favorite. He held to the shadow until the smell increased as the young thing exited the store. How convenient, she was alone. He smiled within, knowing this would be an easy one but so delicious. Once he locked eyes with her, her will was his.
That is as far as his memory had gone, due to Sarah yelling him back into the present; before they struck that pole. The wind was taken from his chest as the pain subsided. His mind raced and his body trembled. He had thought “she” was dead! He pulled himself together and it took most of his strength to hide his reaction from Sarah. He was in the kitchen when he heard Sarah from below. She was going back!
Sarah jumped into the van and screamed as she saw Cole sitting in the passenger seat. “I know the Council has this plan but I don’t need to like it.”
Cole interrupted her, “What gave you the impression that I like it?”
“What I was going to say,” as she continued, “was that “we” don’t need to like it but we should try dealing with it because we do really need to work together. It would make things a lot easier if we could just get along!”
“Listen, I don’t like you and I know you don’t like me. That’s what I call dealing with it.” Cole answered as he looked out the passenger window.
Sarah knew the conversation was over and she was fuming. She couldn’t stand this vampire which the council had forced her to work with. They drove the rest of the way in silence but the tension could have been cut with a knife. Not completely seeing eye to eye. Sarah only did what the council asked. She hoped one day to be part of the bigger picture. Cole on the other hand was only out to get what he wanted. The High Priestess had promised him something and he was determined to get it.
They pulled into the condo parking lot, Cole turned and asked, “What do you expect to find?”
Sarah parked the van and turned the ignition off, she closed her eyes in meditation. A few minutes later she opened them and looked at Cole. “Do you have any ideas? I just have this feeling, there is something else here.”
Someone, you mean. “Nope,” he answered propping his elbow on the window ledge and leaning his head on his hand. “Good Luck”, he said sarcastically, knowing the witch had no idea what she was looking for.
“You’re not coming?” Sarah opened the door and only got a raised eyebrow from Cole. Under her breath she cursed him and how he never made sense.
Cole decided to stay behind and do some investigating on his own. He opened himself up and felt the presence of ”her” walking back to the condo on the third floor. Once Sarah was out of sight he left the van and went up to the woman’s apartment. He didn’t know what to expect and if it was really “her” what would he do? He had dreamt about “her” for years, her face had tormented him. The guilt he had felt after that night. Had it all been for nothing?
He slowly approached the condo door, listening for any sounds from inside. His heart began to pound heavier, that pain began in his chest again. He didn’t hear anything, inside. Testing the door knob he was surprised to find it unlocked. He peeked in, pushing the door slowly open. Only to find boxes and little, if any furniture.
A crashing sounded from inside,down the hall; where he heard a woman’s voice, “Damn it!” It caused him to take a few steps in and closer to the noise. He stopped and looked around. Cole pondered the situation, he hadn’t thought this far ahead. He might just rely on his compulsion, to draw the answers he was looking for. He slipped back away from the hall and against the wall. She was coming back into the living room and he would soon find out. The closer she sounded the sharper that pain was in his chest.
He didn’t get time to surprise her because she seemed to have known someone was waiting on the wall. She peered around the corner from the hall and even though she was cautious she still seemed startled to find someone there. Cole thrust his forearm into her neck and drove her into a wall. At the touch of her, the pain in his chest exploded. It was almost to painfull to bare but he gathered himself and held firm. The pain slowly subsided and his arm started tingling where his skin touched hers.
“Who are you?” he growled, looking into her face.
He looked over her soft skin and took in a deep whiff. The smell of her innocence and sweetness…...
No, that was not the smell. He smelt…...he smelt, nothing. He didn’t wait for an answer but let her go falling to the ground. The only other creatures that did not have an odor, were ….. vampires!
*
Julia felt someone in her apartment as she grabbed for the lamp but knocked it over instead. “Damn it!” if there was someone there, they would have heard that. She thought it was nothing but decided to check, making sure she locked the door any way. As she approached the living room she felt that pain in her chest, along with a presence and knew someone was hiding against the wall but she peered over the corner anyway. Her eyes grew wide as she actually saw a figure in the shadow but before she could move she was thrown into a wall being held by an arm on her neck. Her chest exploded in pain, it must be because she was grasping for air. A tingling sensation started where his firm arm was holding her neck.
She grabbed the arm immediately as she looked into the attackers face. His face…....
his gorgeous face; his eyes shown a bright ice, blue in the darkness. A warm sensation engulfed Julia’s body …...
She hit the floor with a thud. As quickly as she was attacked she was let go. She looked up towards him, grasping for air; holding her hand to her neck He had stepped back into the shadows but she could clearly see him. His face was similar but his eyes, they weren’t from her vision. No glowing, they looked black in the darkness. His presence was clearly felt, he was a vampire!
“Who am I? You’re the one in my place! Get the hell out!” She slowly stood using the wall for support. Her mind was racing, telling her to turn and run.She had never been so scared in her life. Her adrenaline had kicked in and her heart was pounding. So fast, so loud, or was that his? She knew her body was shaking but she also was feeling him. His breaths were deep and slow, there was a second drumming, mimicking her heart. She could only assume it was his.She was unsettled at the presence he had. Powerful, familiar, yet she was confused.
“Are you deaf? I said get the hell out!” She stood taking a step towards him, making fists in both her hands; hoping it would look threatening.
He stepped back, farther into the shadows of the room. “What the hell were you doing spying on us? And I asked who the hell you were.” It definitely looked like the woman from his past but she was….different and not…...vampire. His anger grew. He had dealt with the guilt of killing her. Was she standing in front of him? Had he tormented himself for nothing? Was that his curse?
Julia closed her eyes and whispered, “Please let this just be a dream.” She was disappointed when she re-opened her eyes only to find the vampire still standing in her home.
“What kind of place is this? Strangers just break in, attack you, and then ask for answers. If you know what’s best for you, you’ll leave now!” She tried to sound threatening but she knew her voice was shaking. She liked to think she could defend herself if it came down to another attack. How powerful was he? Would he be a challenge?
Cole was fed up with this non-sense. It was time to get his answers. He stepped out of the shadow, without looking at her and walked over to her picture window. “Nice view.” He felt her surprised reaction, at his comment. He felt her jumbled emotions and heart beating, it was nothing he had felt before. That wouldn’t matter. He turned and stared in her eyes…...
those pale, green eyes, he let his compulsion run over her, she was in his control now….
No, no she wasn’t! She just looked back at him awkwardly. He took a step closer, no one had ever rejected his compulsion. He didn’t know what she was up to but she couldn’t be that powerful. He tried again but he couldn’t compel or see in her mind, it was blank. Could she? No, no one was that powerful.
She didn’t like his closeness and took a step back. They both stood there staring at each other, waiting for a move. A million questions were running through Cole’s mind. First, how was he going to get any answers if he couldn’t compel her?
“Do I…” Julia paused as she took more steps back, “Do I know you?” She was afraid of the answer. Her vision of a similar man with icy, blue eyes came to mind but it was a blur and she couldn’t get past the face in the vision.
His back was towards the moonlight; which illuminated his silhouette. The moonlight seemed to dance around him and somewhere in Julia’s mind bells were ringing with alarm. She just stood there, paralyzed. Ice blue eyes flashing in her mind again…......
His skin seemed to illuminate in the darkness…..
Julia blinked and shook her head. She had to stay focused, that must be the moonlight playing tricks on her tired eyes. This all felt so familiar, so frightful.
“Stop the bullshit. You know who I am?” He eyed her body language as he asked.
“Damn straight! You vampire, now get the hell out!” Even though she sounded furious he felt her uncertainty. She was questioning herself.
Cole’s anger grew, he continued to try to enter her mind only to be hit with a blank slate. Her body was offering every emotion, every movement but her mind….....her mind was completely closed to him. How? He felt her body tense with recognition and uncertainty all circling in confusion. She didn’t recognize him? How could she not? His body was fighting his own confusion. Was this the same girl? She certainly brought back memories for him, but some how she was different. Why did she not have a smell; like a vampire, if she wasn’t one?
“What are you?” Cole broke the stare, fingered some boxes, he could not let her see his anger growing. Scaring her was not going to work on getting what he wanted. He’d try a different approach. Could he pull it off without compulsion?
The flicker inside her gut was filling her insecurity with anger. That was it. She had, had a long day, visions she could not comprehend and now a vampire of all things was questioning her; in her own home.“Get the hell out!” Julia blurted out, she felt her eyes tearing up. Smoke began to swirl around her tightened fists. He was a complete stranger and had no business in her home.
Cole walked over, to a few feet in front of her. He needed something, some kind of answer. His face softened, “You really don’t know who I am?” He tried to look sympathetic.
Julia knew he was to close, she just didn’t have the energy anymore. The smoke that had began with such flare, faded into nothing.
In her eyes, he was gorgeous in every way. His dark hair sat upon his shoulders, his eyes seeing right through her. His facial features were so seductively sexy and masculine.
The image flashed so quickly she couldn’t recall it. A past memory she couldn’t hold onto or just another vision? Her eyes were filled with tears, Julia couldn’t hold back any longer, as the tears started to stream down her cheeks. She threw herself into the only chair in the room and covered her sobbing face in her hands.
Cole stood, a bit frozen. This was not what he expected but he could work with this. It took all his power to compose himself and to seem, concerned. He reached out for her shoulder but stopped and thought better. He placed both hands behind his back. “Are you alright? Would you like some … water?” He felt so uncomfortable.
Wiping her face with her hands, she looked up. He couldn’t help but smirk. A few strands of dark hair fell from her ponytail revealing wispy curls surrounding her face; and what a face. He was memorized for the moment, how could he have done what he did?
The guilt began to grow as it had with that one night of terror. Ever since that “night”. Cole didn’t know what else to call it, besides “that night”. It had began as any other night of feeding. Only to begin the most dreadful years of his life…...
Year:1900
After leaving his victim for dead, he crawled through the shadows of alley ways. He barely had the strength to pull himself along. What had happened? He was vampire, what could make him feel so….so broken. He slowly pulled himself to a sitting position up against a wall. He felt so empty, as if … his blood, had run out of him. Is that how his victims felt, empty?
He dragged himself into a nearby crypt and took refuge in the cold darkness. He lived in what seemed like an eternity of fever, chills, and uncontrollable emotions. Emotions? Vampires didn’t have emotions? His life as a vampire had only been filled with lust, for: his need to feed and the power over others. He did not know what else to call this feeling of guilt and disgust, for his life. Except a curse! That gypsy must have cursed him, there was no other explanation.
Composing himself and leaving the shadows he went back to the alley. By now the victim’s body had been found and was gone, along with any trace of the gypsy. He searched the area the gypsy had come from, nothing to track down. How would he track her? Furious with the inner struggles which were now living within him. He turned for the safety of the crypt. He must feed! That would solve his problems.
He kept to the shadows of the crypt until he heard their voices. The massive oak doors to the church swung open and a young girl stepped out. The church was only a few feet away and Cole could see her clearly.
“Thank you, Father. I will see you in the morning.” She waved, skipping down the stairs and turning away from the cemetery.
Cole drew in a deep breath and could smell a whiff of her blood. He could feel the warmth, it would bring to his veins as he took it from her. He slightly stepped from the shadows, called out to her with his compulsion and watched as she slowly turned and came his way. She approached and he stepped back leading her deep within the crypt. The control he had empowered him, making him feel more like himself. He didn’t feel the usually wickedness but that would come with the blood. He forced a smile. A feeling of disgust flashed over him; he made her mind, go blank. Feelings were stirring within, he did not like.
He backed her up against the cold, damp wall. She was so young, so fair. Even if she wanted to, she would not have been able to challenge his power of compulsion. He did not touch her but willed her with his power. She wouldn’t be able to see in the darkness but he willed her to close her eyes, he did not know why. She turned her head and his vision fell upon her soft, white throat. Her neck seemed to glow, calling him to it. He stepped so close, her body shivered with his touch.
He saw her pulse throb, in that, oh so precious artery. His fangs slid down his lips with there change. He paused, where was the lust, the excitement? Glancing at her face he imagined his next step and a ball of revulsion formed in his gut. He slammed his palm against the wall, laying his head on his arm. He needed to feed. What was his problem? She turned her face towards him with a blank stare in her eyes, he once again looked upon her face. He felt ….. pity for this creature and disgust for himself. He felt his eyes burning with the need of blood, her blood; but he could not. He could not bring himself to … to … he could not even speak the words.
He walked her to the opening of the crypt and had her return on the road. She would have no recollection of his encounter. He was torn, a part of him was outraged at his cowardly act and the other was relieved that he didn’t force himself upon another victim. He grabbed his head within his hands and fell to his knees; letting out a dreadful combination of a growl and laugh. He was mad, his mind and body were in a struggle. His body wanted blood, his mind wanted the lust and excitement, but both agonized over the disgust of what he was.
A squeaking noise brought him to control himself. He looked up, glancing around. Until his vision fell upon a rat. Taking a deep breath, Cole smelt the fat, rats blood. He felt his eyes burn with need, he needed blood!
With a cracked voice Julia sobbed out, “Please, please just leave.”
It brought Cole back to the present. He shook his head, hoping to erase the memory.
“I’m sorry. I don’t recall you. Have we met? You do look familiar. I …... I don’t mean to have a break down in front of a complete stranger but ….. it’s been a long day and I guess it’s just all hit me now. ” Julia began wiping her face, trying to control herself.
Cole’s shoulders sagged with a bit of relief. It couldn’t be her, if she didn’t recall him. “We may have met while you were looking at this place. You also look familiar. That is why I asked.” He paused, “You know they say it is easier to talk to a stranger. Why don’t you clear your mind and tell me what’s bothering you?” He needed to know more about this strange woman.
Julia considered his offer for a moment. “The short version. My mother recently passed away, I moved away from everything I knew; to pursue my own happiness, and I find a stranger in my home.” She shot him a glare. “You were so right. I feel ten times better. Now can you leave!” She stood up and walked towards the door.
Interesting, I wonder who her mother was?
Julia opened the door, felt a slight breeze and turned; to usher him out. The room was empty!
*
Cole got into the van right in time. Sarah was entering the parking lot and heading towards him.
As she climbed in she mumbled, “Thanks for your help.”
He started the van and hurried home. “It’s almost dawn,” he answered her question before she spoke it, her mind was so easily read.
“Well, I found nothing to help us.” Sarah stared out the window wondering if she had only found anything, she could have scribed for something.
“Stop your worrying. You’ll give yourself a wart,” Cole chuckled.
Sarah glared at him. “Has anyone told you, vampire humor is not funny! What do you know something, I don’t?” She tried to read him but it was useless, he was to powerful for her.
Cole did know something and the fact that Sarah didn’t, gave him a glimpse of hope. If she didn’t know about the woman then it was possible she wasn’t working with the Council. That would mean there was a slight chance “she” wasn’t who he thought she was, but how could he mistake her eyes, her smell. Cole shook his head, what was he thinking? He had to stop his body from reacting like this.
He distracted himself by thinking of the torment he had lived, his fists tightened on the steering wheel as the anger grew within him. He raked his brain to think of the woman’s face, but could only recall Julia’s. He had looked for evidence, of that victim, for over a century and never found anything about her existence. He had convinced himself that this woman’s image must have been part of the gypsy’s spell; that had changed him so many years ago. But tonight he had come face to face with her, she was no dream. If she was, who he thought she was, he could only imagine that the Priestess had brought her here. Maybe the High Priestess would follow up on that promise after all.
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MaxPower1272 reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100% of the Item
Not bad start, to draw us back to the past I would try writing some “revenge of the 90s” (2000 / late 90s) type memorabilia into the piece to solidify the era.
The writing is good, dialogue okay. Would like a little more dialogue though.
As far as publishing goes the whole vampire/werewolf/witch thing is getting pretty outplayed, i would really try to work in some origonal elements / ratifications to the genre if your serious about publishing.
Not bad read, keep at it, good luck!
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SwordMistress reviewed Version 1 -
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Good beginning, it starts right in the middle of the action. I think you have a solid plot so far, and this has a lot of promise. There are a few issues that if you cleared them up this would be much more suspenseful and exciting. See below.
“Julia un-wrapped the bubble wrap and placed the last mug in the kitchen” using wrapped and wrap in the same sentence is awkward. I would suggest, ‘Julie discarded the bubble wrap and placed the last mug…” You mention unpacking in the next sentence so it will be very clear.
“window that viewed out” looked out
“She grabbed the chair and pulled it closer to the window. Sat down and snuggled deep into it.” ‘She pulled the chair closer to the window, sat down and snuggled deep into it.’
“She grabbed the mug and cupped her hands over the warmed of it and stared out upon the view.” ‘She cupped her hands over the warmth of the much and stared out at the view.’ Either way, it should be ‘warmth’ and ‘upon’ should be ‘at.’
“It was a gorgeous view.” ‘The view was gorgeous.’ Try to avoid using words like ‘it’ when possible.
“The stars were shining bright and the moon” You just said that it took all night for her to unpack the kitchen. How could the stars and moon be out.
You’ve used the word view at least nine times just in the first page, it makes for awkward reading.
“To enter the condo complex you” When possible try not to start sentences with the word ‘To.’ Also try not to use ‘you.’ It pulls the reader out of the story and draws attention to the author.
“all held together with a white fence.” The fence is not holding the condo and yard together. Maybe ‘all enclosed or surrounded by a white fence.”
“Before the earth dropped onto a rocky cliff; which met the crashing waves of the ocean.” Sentence fragment.
“The back of every condo faced the ocean and must have had such a view, Julia imagined.” ‘The back of each condo faced the ocean. Julia imagined each on must have a great view.’
“available she” available. She
“She was welcoming this new life,” You already said she was welcoming his new life.
“huge blob” blob of what? Be specific.
“Taking fast, deep breaths” this would by hyperventilation.
“on table of broken glass.” I’m not sure what you mean by this. The table is made of glass and broken or the table is full of broken glass.
“why she viewed” why she had
“Her heart was pounding” Do you mean ‘had been pounding?’ I shouldn’t still be pounding. You already said that she let all the tension go. She should be relaxed.
“moonlight to light” awkward
“she saw resembled her vision or was from it.” ‘was from the vision or just resembled her.
“visions were more.” More than what.
“The realization of” Maybe ‘chance’ would be a better word here. She can’t really be sure yet that what she finds at the greenhouse will match her vision.
“appeared in view,” it ‘came’ into view. It was already there.
“she was filled with suspense.” When you tell us this it loses its impact. Show us, how does it effect her physically, describe that.
“What was I” she
“tists under her breath.” Did what?
Check though out the piece you use a lot of repetitive words and phrases close together. Most of the time it’s awkward. Read the sentences aloud to determine which ones should be changed.
“came walking out.” Just say ‘came out.’ Unless you tell us something else we will assume he’s walking.
“the body he” we need a description of the body so we can picture.
“Cole almost couldn’t control himself.” This is a really big point of view jump with out warning. It’s very jarring. You need to put in a line space and/or asterisks to alert the reader.
“any ways.” anyway
“Yes, she knew right away that he was a vampire.” This is obviously the author’s voice and pulls us right out of the story.
“It was her!” Point of view shift.
“The anger, the pain he would feel when he finally found her.” Why would finding her bring anger and pain. He just had dreams about her, it doesn’t make any sense.
“She could not do anymore harm to him.” When did she do any harm to him? She’s never met him.
“Julia was trying to figure” pov shift
“He felt her emotions and heart beating,” You are flip flopping points of view about every few lines. It throws the reader right out of the story. Check though out the piece. There is a lot of head hopping. Stick with one point of view unless it’s necessary for the plot to switch then always alert the reader.
“an assassin to kill him” Why would he think she’s an assassin?
“they lounged out for” they lunged for
“His dark hair sat upon his shoulders,” Doesn’t he have hair on his head?
“she jump” jumped
“not a naive witch?” witch.
“to kill the person responsible for his curse,” how could she possibly be responsible for his curse. We need a little more information. It’s a great idea to keeper things from the reader, but we need some clues to keep going.
“she could have scribed for something.” I don’t know what you mean by this.
“What do you” Either, ‘What?’ do you know something…’ or ‘do you know something…’
“If she who” If she was who
One thing that is missing here that wasn’t clear is why they were at the greenhouse. Were they tracking the werewolf?
Great ending. Leaves the reader wanting to know more.
Kimbers reviewed Version 1 -
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Hmmmmm, an interesting start.
Your opening is beautiful with the description of the view and the condo. You’ve introduced one of your characters, with name and appearance early one so the reader can begin to visualiese her. Thoughts and feelings bombard the reader, not only with her opinion of her new home but also with tid bits of her past. No doubt further details will come to light later in the piece.
The vision tie in was interesting. That link that one person can have with another is a good way to begin building the relationship even if the characters don’t know it.
The part of a council, coven, etc provides a basis for these characters to work from. Perhaps more information on the origins of this establishment and how a vampire got tied in with them would be useful.
The fact that they obtained a werewolf ‘specimen’ got me thinking in the direction of the biological science that would be deemed in this piece. Why do they need it in the first place? What is the purpose of hunting a werewolf? Is it for genetic knowledge? Are werewolves causing a problem in supernatural circles? Perhaps expand upon this.
The way you introduce the character to each other in the condo did get a little confusing at times. Initially I thought that Cole had no knowledge of who this girl is yet later it sounds as though he has almost intimate knowledge of her. It was just a little confusing.
Sometimes the dialogue threw me a bit, I had to re-read some of the sentences to make sure the person speaking was who I thought it was.
On the whole a well structured beginning and something to keep up with in the future.
DragonQueen reviewed Version 1 -
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Julia un-wrapped the bubble wrap and placed the last mug in the kitchen cabinet as the tea kettle whistled. She had finally unpacked every box which read kitchen in black marker.
good but no grab. There is nothing here to pull me into the story.
It had been a very long day and Julia was overwhelmed with tiredness all of a sudden.
Try to avoid frazes like all of a sudden
“What? I don’t give a damn how you got in, just leave! She was starting to lose her temper.
A quotation mark sould be placed after leave.
She telepathically closed him out.
How did she telepathically close him out? Be more detailed
Those deep blue eyes penetrated him right to his core.
Try writing like this more often.
I don’t mean to be meen but… it was dull. You have potential for a great story, but your writing could use a litlle work.
1) Avoid was, is, as, were, because, then, suddenly, as often as you can. They aren’t good for a story.
2) Try to be more descriptive, she stood, well how did she stand? Tell us more. Let us see the story take place.
3) Get a thesaures, poket if possible. It will help you alot in being more descriptive and makeing your writing intresting.
It isn’t your story, but they way you write it. Exband, be more desrciptive in everything so yoru reader can see it.
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