Journal, Diary, & Blogging / In a way that i hope to keep from change

I am writing, for my self every day now. It seems to make no difference whether there is some thing to write about, or not. I have put it into my head that I must, or have got to force my self to do it at times. I was always afraid of turning writing into some thing that I must make my self do, how ever I think my life has changed that, and now writing does not seem like such a bad thing to do. I could be doing some thing that I hate doing for some one who does not care a thing for me. This is how my life has changed me suppose. I no longer have a job. In a way losing my job opened up my eyes to things that I had lost sight of a long time ago like being out in the world. I no longer want, or care to be separated from it again. I lose too much of my self that way. The characters that I wish to write about or people that I have got to see and those are the people that are walking around through out the day doing what people do everyday. So I am on quest to find a way to make money, and still be out in the real world. I believe that the real world also takes place in companies but it is a different kind, or type of world that gets left behind by all the workers when they leave that environment. Not at all like my self who always brought it home like a dumb ass. I used to think that I had to stop reading to be able to develop original thoughts again. That is not true. I used to think that I had to go some where artistic and creative to be a very great writer. That is also not true. A good writer simply writes. I do that all the time eventually I will get better at it. I will find a pulse that I feel passionately about then I will go to town with it. I will spend all my time learning to develop that style in my writing even though the thoughts may, or may not be original ones. I have always told people that I know are very creative but so embarrassed to do what they are capable of to stop being such weenies. The time for me to take my own advice is now upon me. I am seizing the opportunity. It gets very hard at times especially since there are not too many ways to be able to survive while trying out a dream. I do not believe that there is any type of federal grant for that. If there is however I will be finding it soon because like I mentioned earlier I am looking to every venue to be able to realize my dream. That way when I die and there a couple hundred notebooks filled with writings they will be sitting right next to a published book. I find that my support group is seemingly amazing from family to friends to complete strangers that I may only ever see once in my life when they were able to help me out in that one moment, and their help was given freely I did not even have to ask for it. That is some thing that is, or has always been very difficult for me to do is to ask for help. There are those who are true supporters they are on the sidelines, they are rooting for me, and hoping that I accomplish what I set out to do so they can walk by a book store some day and see my work there. Some of my supporters have passed on to an other adventure, I like the fact that I think that they know when ever they pop into my head, and some times I have the feeling that they are helping me with some of the words when I am at a loss for them they were always able to help me finish thoughts, or sentences. I am still being drawn to the dark side believe it or not. It is always at times like these when I am vulnerable, between jobs between housing, and completely broke. I will not gain any thing from walking away, yet I may gain everything by staying, and my character will not allow me to stay so I walk away back into the wild blue yonder, or black unknown. I am very used to this by now, and I am determined to never make the wrong decision again. I thank my most beautiful wife for that she saved my life before she even knew I was in danger. I would not be here; I truly believe that if it were not for me wanting to never be away from her again ever. I know I must learn how to use the paragraph again but it will come in time do not worry your pretty little heads over that I will give in to form if any thing but it will take my time to do so. Every one tells me to just write which is what I am doing. It is going to take some time before I find my voice by which I mean the words that I will use to get my stories across in an interesting modern way that uses language that people are used to using these days wheter it includes slang or not I have no idea yet. The main thing is to get back in touch with the people the world the universe that I have shut out for so long, it appears I have a great knack for shutting things out. I have been out sleeping on couches and wandering around it is doing me very much good it is awakening feeling and the curiosities I thought had been lost. I have found my self thanks to the families that are also my friends.

Written by Chago Robert Desantiago

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