Humor/Satire / Impossible Fantasy / Implausible Future (Timmy the Alchemist Excerpt)
Timmy was marketing his alchemistic wares at the BOHS homecoming game. A fold-up card table was the Atlas of Timmy’s world – deodrites, kedoolic, stehanophohol (it had its market), winsedrich, bits of coal and California river gold, and what was left of the irevatif potion Timmy, uh, helped his daughter make for her science fair project. The two-for-one on science fair boards offered Timmy a wonderful marketing advantage – this was a visual age, indeed. Randomly colored construction paper – fossils of a 2.95 variety pack – backed explanations of his products written by the hand of arrogance and vodka, with penmanship to match. Though Timmy was eternally grateful to the science fair board of his design, he had a hard time convincing it that the wind was not a womanizing billionaire on holiday that the board could run off with to his castle in Wales where it would be much happier. “Such fantasies arise from not appreciating what you have!” he scolded as the board fell off the table for the sixth time.
”Hey, what’s that?” a junior in a drill team uniform asked.
”What’s what?” he replied as he watched her tassels hang from one shoulder, down her bust line, to the other shoulder, raised a bit as the arm it seated pointed at something on his table.
”That.”
”Oh, that,” he began, “yes! this one!” He paused for a moment to gauge her reaction, which was still not as convinced as he’d like. “That’s – ” cough ”- excuse me – theomyadrin.”
”Oh! Why does it glow like that?”
”Hm, good question – not exactly sure. I can tell you it’ll be like that for at least another 48 hours.”
”Ok, what does it do?”
”Did someone put you up to this?”
”What do you mean?”
”Nevermind. It’s a – hm, I forget the word. There’s a word for a useless glowing substance. Can’t think of it now – but it’s one of those. Do you know what the word is?”
She shook her head.
”Well, don’t think that I don’t know what I’m talking about just because of that. Alchemy isn’t something simple like calculus or gynecology – the corpus of alchemy is the largest of any subject of study, ever. Historically, alchemists are more prolific than porn stars. It’s hard to keep up with all that shit. Oh, sorry.”
”No, don’t worry, I fuckin’ swear all the time.’ Loosening up, that’s good. “So – ” She reached for the glowing tub.
”Ah bah bah bah bah!” he warned. The turned heads in the crowd didn’t stay that way for long. “Sorry, well, I mean, you can pick it up, but I wouldn’t recommend it unless you want to be barren.” The advent of nuclear power, but more specifically nuclear waste, had opened all kinds of new avenues for alchemy.
”Oh. Well, why would anybody want it, then?”
”Is it not obvious by your standing here talking to me? It’s a great conversation starter!”
”Oh, I see. So are you, um, not reproductive?”
A good alchemist can create a conversation starter, but a great alchemist is armed with a complimentary ender:
”I don’t think most reproduction is necessary. In fact, I wish all black children were born with AIDS.”
What is the look you have when you hear something like that and realize the guy isn’t joking? The look she had, and off she went, on cue and everything. Of course she did – that line had only ever backfired on Timmy twice (well, actually once, but that’s the trouble with talking to yourself when you’re in two places at once).
Five minutes later, and new potential customer arrived.
”Sir, you can’t be on school grounds.”
”Who are you, the principal?”
”No, the superintendent. My daughter told me of a rather disturbing conversation she had with you. Frankly, I don’t know how you got on the school grounds in the first place.”
”Did I get first place? Do I get a ribbon or something?”
”No. Come with me, I’ll escort you off.”
”Ok, can you help me carry some things?”
”Fine.”
Timmy handed the superintendent the theomyadrin and the irevatif potion, then gathered the other concoctions and placed them in their respective pockets in his cloak, then folded the science board and card table and began walking.
”This way’s quicker, sir.”
”But my car’s out that way.”
”Come with me, you’ll have to walk around.”
”Whatever.”
When it came time to part ways, the superintendent handed Timmy the theomyadrin and offered the irevatif potion, but Timmy refused.
”Do you know a good orthpedic surgeon?”
”No.”
”Excellent. Keep that one on the house. Oh – probably best to mix it with a little Kool-Aid.”
”Ok, well, thank you, I’m sorry, what was your name, sir?”
”Timmy the Alchemist.”
”I mean your real name.”
”Well if it’s for a restraining order or something, that’s how the cops know me too, so we should be good.”
”Ok – I don’t want to see you around here again. You and your drugs need to find a different venue.”
”Drugs? No sir. While some drugs are concocted, the best grow naturally.”
”I wouldn’t know. Say, how do you eat with that beard?”
”I swim through the ocean sifting krill like a blue whale.”
”Talk about your dying breeds.”
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absurd. absurdly humourous. absurdly great. absurdly believable. (not the last one.) a very specific critique: (well, actually once, but that’s the trouble with talking to yourself when you’re in two places at once). ”... at the same time.”?
“Five minutes later, and new potential customer arrived.” This reads awkward. But I also like that it’s not worded quite like I would expect. But it seems to play back and forth with tenses.
Maybe “talk about your dying breeds,” should be replaced with “Superintendent turns with the blank face of a blowfish and waddles away.” (I mean an action rather than speaking. I think what I mean is that I’d like to end on “I swim…” because that’s hilarious. Maybe there needs to be some sort of closing action after that, or maybe it’d be perfect to end a chapter with. Like a punchline?)
Anyway, other than some of the alchemy words that were hard to pronounce in my mind, this was so easy to read through and never left me bored. I enjoyed reading it and look forward to seeing all the other parts!
(I don’t know what “thought more a feeling” means.)
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