Lol… they actually did play it, and it was really cliche to me to.
I dunno if I mentioned it, but the main character was a chick. But hey, androgyny is something I love.
I think when I extend the story, I’ll put a better song, something more awesome.
Thank you for your review
Young Adult / Bacchanilian
“Bacchanalian”
By: Davida Clark
If it was a movie, the scene would have gone something like this:
The rain falls down heavily on a sea of people. The camera focuses on a Greenwich Village street corner, on a teenager, me.
My T shirt sticks to my skin, and my black hair falls stringy around my face, completely soaked with from shower-like downpour.
Brown eyes, once closed, are open and fogged over with pure ecstasy. A parade of rainbows passes in front of me as I raise my arms, screaming, flailing to the sound of the music.
The world goes into slow motion, and the music fades away. I’m left, in focus, with everyone behind me blurred. They’re all in their own world, celebrating their Pride. Music is gone, it would drown out the feelings; it’s replaced by a barely audible pulse.
I look around at my friends surrounding me; everything seems caught in an aqua dream. Rick and Adam hold hands, hips swinging to the music. They snog each other as if trying to get oxygen. My friends and I giggle like school girls and make sounds only comparable to war cries. The veins in our necks make our silent screams ring in the audience’s ears.
Jenni and Kathee jump on the grinding train, like a sexy sandwich. There’s not enough room for me to get on as well, but I’m fine; I’ve had my share of sensuality for the day.
But I watch them, happy in a way that I’d never known.
We weren’t high, we weren’t drunk; the feeling was natural, at one with other people. It didn’t matter how you looked, what you liked to do. Everyone cheered because you were there, and you had a common link.
It goes from being quiet as we laugh and celebrate, to unnervingly silent when we pan back to see the floats and parade people. You hear someone, charismatic, flamboyant (but not necessarily a guy), speaking through a bull horn.
“ARE YOU READY TO CELEBRATE BEING PROUD?”
All the people in the crowd shout and scream, clapping. “I’m Coming Out” begins playing and the parade, like a giant hot (now sunny) block party, begins moving normally once more.
The screen pans out, but the music doesn’t fade. The screen goes dark.
Every emotion that I feel; everything I experience, I try to find a word for. In my world, words are precise enough to have designated meanings, but creative enough for leeway. That’s why numbers suck; they make themselves permanent and exact.
I thought for a long time about a word for this… feeling. “Ecstatic” felt too loud, hard and happy. “Euphoric” only covered the happy, nothing else. “Hedonistic” felt good (even though I wasn’t all the way sure what it meant), it sounded like something amazing, sensual, ancient and pagan. I really liked “bacchanalian “. I remembered it from either history class, or Smithsonian. The only problem was there was no liquor for the drunken revelry. It was a natural, unnatural, strangely familiar, completely organic feeling.
It was the high point of my summer; a memorable summer. The air was different, thicker; full of the life I had yet to live.
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HermiG reviewed Version 1 -
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I think your main problem is structure. Your language seems quite … rich (good vocabulary), but as it is, I couldn’t understand it. It’s too unstructurated. You jump from the present tense to the past tense, your paragraps are LONG and the opening sentence really ticks me off.
“If it was a movie, the scene would have gone something like this:”
The problem is, this isn’t a movie. This is a written text. This first sentence seems more like a note to yourself than part of the rest of the “story”. Anyway, why do you want to write it like a movie? Something like “It reminded me of a scene in my favourite story” would make a lot more sense, but I suggest leaving it out.
Your writing seems to be very good, though, so this has potential!
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fruityness12 reviewed Version 1 -
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I think this would be fit for adults.. The writing is good, but I definitely think this should be longer.
Lirpastar reviewed Version 1 -
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I really like how you are able to describe the emotions of the people at the pride parade. They seem childlike, yet they are expressing their sexuality which may often be hidden from the world. I think that your use of imagery is fantastic. I especially liked the phrase “sexy sandwich.” I also think that framing it into a movie scene really worked here.
stevetheharp reviewed Version 1 -
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I think as a sketch for a future work this sparkles. I like the balance of putting it across as a descriptive work and then showing us the thought process you go through searching for words.
It certainly grabs attention and makes me wish i had been in your skin for the day..
Looking to the comments about the parentheses, I think the first is a note to self about the gender and image of a possible character to be fleshed out in the later piece, so is fine as it is. for the second, i would suggest , suddenly sunny, or , magically sunny, or whatever you find to convey that transformation.. but again if it is a ‘note to self’..it’s fine
is orgiastic a word ?
Sparkling. tell us more
FrakKevin reviewed Version 1 -
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Even though there wasnt really much of a plot I liked this. I liked how you never actually mentioned if he himself was gay or not. It was really about everything going on around him and you did a good job bringing everything to like. I liked the grind train part, because they way you stated gave me the exact image in my mind. I just found it kind of cliche they were playing I’m coming out…I’m sure there has to be a more modern song that could replace that
Sweettouch reviewed Version 1 -
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All in all you tell a good story. Personal experience is sometimes a very vivid thing and I think that maybe you could touch on the vivacious feel a little more than you did. Be more descriptive and let the feelings make themselves clear.
As for the items in parenthesis. Drop the first set it is unecessary and holds no real descriptive value.
Keep the “sunny of the second and drop the now.
There was a small error, you need a “the” in front of Smithsonian.
Your writing here is clear and precise in the ideas you want to portray but a little less consice on the descriptive words. you could easily spice this up.
Panda_Priest reviewed Version 1 -
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It is a vivid portrayal of a pretty intense scene. well done.
“completely soaked with from shower-like downpour.” I think that ,”with” needs to be dropped from this sentence.
There is potential here for a short story or piece of flash fiction.
It requires a bang if you decide to convert it to one of the above formats
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