It could be horrible, feeling indifferent. Good luck to you too!
Thanks for the review.
Poetry / With a “Q”
With a “Q”
Exuberant rays shine through
the cloudy face in the sky,
scenery speaks in colors,
and beauty never asks why.
High tides talk low amongst
land so dry it cannot drink.
Emptiness hollows holiness,
and loneliness smiles with a wink.
Ancient knowledge twists in
subsequent sectors of the mind.
Truth is real until it lies,
and the wind is wiser than time.
Infinite possibilities dance before
fleeting moments hit reality.
The ripe sunset bruises black,
and spontaneity fades into anonymity.
Shattered fractals break where
one consciousness does create.
Things that never were are now,
and no one knows what awaits…
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gbryananderson reviewed Version 1 -
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What are you doing with your life this summer? I hope you aren’t pissing it away. You have some of the best poetry I have read here. Bear down before you go back to school. If not, contact your mentor or professor. If you aren’t in school get back.
Again, not a great title. With your talent you can this name this baby big time.
I like your ryhme scheme/near rhyme, but your stress/unstress is off…
I’m not asking you to write a sonnet but if you intend to have end rhyme you need to do better than abcb/de(c?)e
try inner rhyme instead and near rhyme
theme/subject/intent: nature’s relationship to God’s creation? Pagan beliefs?
fractals, though part of nature, gives this poem an abstract feel when first starting out gutteral. Infinte possibilites?
Not sure if that made sense.
Blessings, Gregory
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derekosborne reviewed Version 1 -
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While many of the lines and some of the verses stand alone as pretty or poetic, the piece lacks a central metaphor. Other than sounding nice I am not getting a cohesive moment or movement from point A to B. If one asked what the poem was about it would be hard to answer. My best guess is that you are attempting to illustrate the creative process. As I read and re read I get that the writer is aware of a thematic goal, but as a reader it is evading, a bit too escoteric.
tia_logic reviewed Version 1 -
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The word play is kind of nice. Alliteration. Internal half-rhymes.
Aside from that, I find some of the diction pretty dated (amongst, awaits). Also, you have written a lot of broad statements with nothing to back them up. I think it’s find to make claims, however (the wind is wiser than time, for example) in something so vague I need you to convince me. As it stands I’m reading a series of personifications which don’t build off of each other and make statements I feel indifferent toward. It sounds kind of neat, but that’s not enough to keep me with you.
Good luck!
PenelopeMV reviewed Version 1 -
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There are beautiful words and images in this poems and some that break the mood-susequent (I know it has a q). Stanzas 1-4 are beautiful. You combine personification of the natural world with thought. I especially like that sunset bruises black- a great refernce to rotting fruit. Fractals? I know its a reference to math but that ’s as far as it goes. Nice gentle meter and rhyme. A quiet poem. Alliterative, and the ‘q’uestion at the end- that one never knows what is going to happen jolts upon the scene. I don’t know if the title is significant for the poem. Maybe sunrise of dreams?
Dexus reviewed Version 1 -
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“Truth is real until it lies,
and the wind is wiser than time.”—This line seems forced. The truth line is stating the obvious. And I don’t see how wind can be wise. Although I do see the element of air connected with the mind, as in most metaphysical or nature-oriented practices, I don’t see wind being more wise than time. Time is the wisest of all, because it has outlived and out-experienced wind. Just my opinion :)
“The ripe sunset bruises black,
and spontaneity fades into anonymity.”—this is good for advanced readers. I can see how some people might tell you to choose different words that flow better, but for those accustomed to such words, it works just fine :)
“Shattered fractals break where
one consciousness does create.”—I think “does” takes away from the power…ironically, considering does implies productive action ;p If simply “creates” doesn’t work for you, maybe play with the line a little more?
I like the poem. It’s not flat and simple, yet if you’re paying attention it is clear and weaves together well. Good job! :)
HMStocker reviewed Version 1 -
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One of the things that I’ve found over and over in my study of poetry is that abstract poetry is often more difficult on the reader. A lot of time in writing courses, Profs recommend seating the poem in concrete imagery. I buy this theory, so I want imagery to tell the story rather than an abstration.
Not to dispare! You have some great language: hollow, holiness, lone(liness). Those “O” sounds are great especially for conveying a sense of wonder or realization. They work more subtly than the rest of language, but poets will pay attention.
I have a general aversion to rhyme. Your rhyme isn’t badly forced, but there are some problems with it. The form shouldn’t dictate the poem, but the poem dictates the form. I think the form is a bit over-powering, but this could be fixed throught toning the rhyme down (maybe use slant??). Hope this helps!
Blue_Eyes reviewed Version 1 -
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This is structured exceptionally well, and the rhyme scheme is tight. I got lost in spots in regards to the message, but overall I enjoyed this piece. :)
Subterranean reviewed Version 1 -
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Just siphoning through the different poetry and I was surprised that I liked this so much.
Well, no, not very surprised but I was more surprised to find something that I would like this much. The words seem to grow, and wrap, and entangle around the next creating a cohesive and interesting work.
I always like it when I read a poem and I am forced to read certain lines again and again whether it is to analyze or just to wrap the words around my head and see how they all flow together.
It seems that the poem is about many of different things. First read through I thought that you were writing about the sheer unpredictability and and fleeting originality of everything in life. Sorry, I may not be expressing my ideas as well as I could.
Then upon second read I saw many opposites and many polarities formed between the words and phrases you were using. It seemed as if the reality you were forming shifted between the expected and unexpected qualities of life.
For example, the line “loneliness smiles with a wink” may show the unexpected warmth and closeness that can come from a lonely soul or by putting yourself in a closed off environment.
And “High tides talk low amongst land so dry it cannot drink” may also represent the struggle between two things yearning to coexist with each other.
But who knows, I may be reading too much into this. In a nutshell I simply enjoyed your writings and hope to see some more from you.
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