you’re funny, in a good way. Thanks for the vote of confidence. Good idea rewriting it in the opposite direction. I think that will be fun.
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Poetry / Hot Louie
What you are is a fantasy, a pipe dream.
Smart and sexy, a regular Joe Suave.
Imagining you kissing me is all I need.
Fearful you might proceed, Most likely it can only end badly.
I’m not what you need. I know. I can see.
So lets keep it easy and enjoy wondering.
Today i was close enough to kiss you,
as you tried to open up to me.
Showing me your body, knowing the tatoos draw me.
Sweet heart I am a miserable disease
as much as I’d love the company…
You are so much more deserving of laid back peaceful scenes.
I can never make you happy and thats all i want to see you be.
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PenelopeMV reviewed Version 1 -
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knowing the tatoos draw me. this part is intriguing. and love being like a disease. it has potential.
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dylanmatthews reviewed Version 1 -
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Very well written. Over all the piece captures the rush of emotions and feelings that come along with this type of a relationship. I like how it did not get to sappy or bogged down by cliche expressions. It was raw e.g.as you tried to open up to me and also honest e.g.Most likely it can only end badly and that is what you need to make it work.
sadpoet reviewed Version 1 -
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Cool title, cool notes above to tie in the plot here!
I say throw caution to the wind!
Most likely it can only end badly…I would like to see you flip the coin here and follow this negative with a positive.
You have some parts which rhyme inappropriately, it messes up the flow.
Showing me your body, knowing the tatoos draw me…I would say, knowing that tatoos…instead of the.
Get up off of yourself and rewrite this in an opposite view of him not being good enough for you, it will help you in more than one way and it will be fun.
Take a chance on life, maybe he feels the same way, think about it? Why would he be showing you his body? OOoolala!
gbryananderson reviewed Version 1 -
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The title is unique and made me want to read this. It is a nice short poem straight to the poem, though it might work best with two stanzas. Because, the first part of the poem deals with attraction. There is a definite break between ”...wondering./Today.”
It seems like the narrator becomes the antagonist which is unique. Though you call him “suave,” he takes more of a submissive role.
4th line from last, “Sweet heart,” is not good. Especially someone tatooed. Big time cliche’.
Switching to lower case “I.” is bothersome. With the “I” in the beginning shows her strength, but at the end it is an “i.” The problem is that the narrator never gives up her power through out.
Your strongest line is: “Showing me your body, knowing the tatoos draw me.” I’d ask you to rebuild the poem from this line. If it doesn’t work you have saved copies.
Blessings, Gbryan. And, for God’s sake forgive MY grammar.
Ctoyboy3 reviewed Version 1 -
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this is good… but dont close up to love…its like the lotto..u nener knoe,
aprilrrobinson reviewed Version 1 -
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its nice a few bumbs but nice and sad and sweet. i like it. but dont think so less of yourself maybe your just what he needs and hes just what you need
Marvin reviewed Version 1 -
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I like it. It’s simple, clear.
“I’m not what you need. I know. I can see”—this line tripped me up a little because i felt it killed the rhythm.
“company…”—i’d kill the ellipsis but that’s just me. let the poem run to the finish.
overall, it’s a good piece about the perfection of fantasy and the often ugly imperfection of reality. a few small typos but nothing to cry about.
“joe suave” also felt a bit odd to me. perhaps another line of imagery or description instead of the joe suave bail out.
but you’re right- fantasy is the way to go. that’s why i only date long-distance. thanks for sharing.
Lin reviewed Version 1 -
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Skipping & I found your poem, not bad. Needs work. How about line 1 ‘you are a pipe dream.’ line 4 doesn’t work, neither does 6 ’ Today…& the next 3 lines to draw me’ seem to be one unit but don’t work. Cheers, lin
August_Winters reviewed Version 1 -
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Sometimes fantasy is better than reality, but other times it’s not. How often do we get the chance to live out a dream, even if it’s only a lustful one? This was well written and it kept me entertained all the way through. I loved the flow of it and it was consistent. I think we’ve all been in this position and it’s not an easy one to be in. I think you should go with it and see what it could be, and if it’s only one night or a few days, then at least you’ll know!
oknapp reviewed Version 1 -
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Ok, the message is very clear. I like it. Everyone who has ever been attracted to someone has felt this way and can relate. I would, however, like to know why you refer to yourself as a “miserable disease” Why not a “bundle of insecurities.” I’ll bet you are a nice person and not a disease, at all. Oh why do you think it would go badly? opposites attract. Sandi
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