Humor/Satire / Spencer Forrest for President! (Analysis)
Spencer Forrest for President – See how mobilizing senior citizens will change America!
My Dear Fellow Americans,
My name is Spencer Forrest and I am announcing my candidacy for President of the United States of America. In my plan, my fellow Americans, I will solve all the countries problems as set forth below by mobilizing the senior citizens of this country:
1) My plan will reduce rising healthcare and Social Security costs.
2) My plan will eliminate immigration, tighten-up homeland security and reinforce our foreign policy.
3) My plan will eradicate hunger, remove crime from society and completely reduce taxes for most Americans.
4) My plan will promote better education and help America’s youth learn to drive this country forward in future generations.
Before I introduce my vision I would like to quickly bring your attention to some population statistics. In 2007, the U.S. Census Bureau counted 281.4 million people in the United States. Of this number:
- 72.3 million, or 26 percent of the U.S. population were under age 18
- 174.1 million, or 62 percent, were age 18 to 64; and
- 35.0 million, or 12 percent, were age 65 and over
The third percentile is the American of 65 years of age and up is what I am targeting. Of these nearly 35 million people, how many seniors do you see each day? 1? 2? The reason they are not seen isn’t because they are in the lowest percentile of the population, it’s because they are traveling, at home relaxing or doing medial chores to keep themselves occupied. I ask you fellow Americans, why should the hard working people of America continually support 12% of the population who’s on a permanent vacation playing golf, knitting, playing spades and traveling? After all, this country is in trouble! Let us not ignore the problem. Let’s solve the country’s problems. Today. Right now. I for one will not stand idly by and let 12% of the population continue with this behavior. My Administration will not stand for it. Under my plan I will put this portion of the population TO WORK; to produce, to protect and to preserve our beautiful country.
My fellow Americans—I am mobilizing our senior population.
This country has the strongest technology backbone on the planet and we will utilize this strength to our benefit. Under my plan, the U.S. Government will partner with technology companies to create the first fully livable, all terrain 4 wheel drive solar powered wheelchair. It will be equipped with state-of-the-art technology including a Tin Foil Missile Defense System, GPS, cane holder, removable bed pan, slipper case, “I fell off and can’t drive my chair” remote clicker and clapper-activated 3,000 watt high-beam lighting rack. (upgraded models will include rechargable battery packs for evening activities…catered to the seniors who are constantly on the go.)
My plan is drafted to resolve the following problems:
Defense – Under my plan, the Government will partner with aluminum foil companies to build the best missile defense system this country has ever seen. As we know, many seniors carry magnifying glasses. Little does anyone realize that these can be used as a very powerful weapon. If the country is under attack, our Mobile Senior Army Dispatch will reach out to all 35 million seniors at once and instruct them to use their wheelchair mounted Tin Foil defense system and a magnifying glass to reflect the sun’s rays and concentrate on specific coordinates in effort to strike down incoming missiles with solar heat beams.
Foreign Policy – We will use our senior population as a mobile intimidation weapon. What country wants us to send our 35 million senior troops to their country to enforce order? I do not think there’s a country in the world that want us to boat-in, parachute and deliver 35 million grumpy seniors to patrol their streets in walkers and wheelchairs. (we will however maintain close relationship ties with Saudi Arabia and Italy, as wheelchairs do not do well in sand (in the current model) and the many canal bridges in Venice, Italy are not easily negotiated and lead to slow response times).
Immigration – My Administration’s immigration policy is the strongest out of all candidates. My plan calls for the construction of a makeshift “U.S.A.” on a small island in the South Atlantic Ocean. The construction on this island will be built to replicate the major United States seaports; New York, Miami, Houston, L.A. and Seattle will be built to 1/10th their original size. In these make-shift cities we will have multiple casinos to drive their local economy. As soon as the immigrant lands in the “U.S.A.” they will be put to work immediately in the casinos. This will create a new vacation spot for the people of the U.S. between 18-64, put immigrants to work, keep immigrants out of the real U.S.A. and virtually solve the county’s immigration problem. And since the immigrants will not have automobiles when they arrive, they will never know that the island is only 5 miles in diameter and “New York” is really just a short walk from “Miami.” And just in case any of them get curious, we will have a Senior Patrol mobilized to prevent them from leaving the city.
For our immigration problem down in Mexico, the Government has already developed a partial solution. The wall. My plan calls for slight modifications to this wall by adding a light rail system which allows for the solar powered wheelchairs to move very quickly on top of it. This, in addition to battery powered lighted slippers, binoculars and extended length canes, we will keep the immigrants from crawling up the wall by instructing the seniors to tap the knuckles of immigrants who try to breach it. And of course we will have all the necessary light provided by strategically placed “clapper posts” which will be very effective for nocturnal immigration issues.
Crime – Under my “No yard left behind” plan, we will locate teenagers who are in trouble and enlist them in our discipline initiative. This will keep teens out of trouble and force them to mow the yards of seniors who are out patrolling or who were drafted into the senior Army. This will free up seniors from having to do household chores, as well as take away their excuses for planting flowers, yard care, sweeping, etc. And of course this initiative will teach kids to stay out of trouble, therefore rectifying the problems with our education system. Simply put, the “No yard left behind” program will keep the nation’s kids in school.
Hunger – U.S. statistics for 2007 indicate that 2 out of every 3 seniors have an animal of some sort. Well, since these animals will no longer have a home under my senior mobilization plan, theses pets will run in the streets; 22 Million animals to be exact. And since the majority of the population will be busy working, that will leave plenty of time for hungry Americans to track down these pets and eat them, virtually solving the countries hunger problem.
Homelessness – Since my plan calls for mobilizing our seniors, many will be without their own place to live anymore. While the new wheelchair we develop will provide necessary cover for most climate environments, in the event additional cover is needed, the seniors can find the nearest bridge to find temporary shelter. While there, they can tap the homeless to move along and get a job, solving the country’s homeless problem.
Taxes – My plan calls for a heavy tax on the products for the seniors who are not drafted into the senior Army. For example, shuffleboard, ensure milk, Cribbage, Jeaopardy, wrist exercisers, remote controls, reflective walking vests, jar openers and reading lights will no longer be products of leisure. They will be necessities which will have heavy tax consequences. This will take the burden of taxation off of the 18-64 year olds who are supporting this country day in and day out.
Health Care – With 35 million seniors now actively on the move, this will create more healthy seniors due to routine exercising. It will also clear up doctor’s time to allocate to younger people, therefore leading to a more healthy American population and reduction of overall healthcare costs.
We ask you, fellow Americans, to support this Administration in our endeavors to enhance the quality of life in this dear country. We ask that you form small groups to solicit seniors for our program. Go out in the community, knock on doors, make phone calls, visit nursing homes and Bingo locations, locate distant relatives – find every person you can who is elderly and MAKE A DIFFERENCE. Spread our message far and wide. Hold unsuspecting Tupperware events and card games to get them in the door and enlisted.
We thank you fellow Americans for looking out for this country. I can assure you that if I am elected, you will be guaranteed to see an elderly person on every corner of every street, patrolling supermarkets, at the beach, right outside your home, on the highway; they will be dedicated to protecting your security and well being. Let’s fix the problems that face us now…before you, too, are drafted…
The soon to be President of the United States of America,
Spencer Forrest
*this message was approved by Spencer Forrest
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This 15 word review has not been unlocked.
Spencer, honestly – your words are riddled with spelling and grammatical errors. Perhaps I am in the minority – but aren’t we all tired of political nonsense? We are bombarded with it every minute, hour, day of our lives, and it becomes grating.
Aside from that, I apologize for being harsh, but I don’t see the humour. I understand the satire, but satire doesn’t always equal good humour. I do feel you can be great at fiction and comedy. Perhaps an original topic?
Sorry again! I do want to love it.
mk
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