Thank you very much for your review. Can you think of something specific that you think I should change/work on?
Short Story / Random Junk
Whitney’s eyes snapped open in the same instant that her arm shot out to silence the screaming alarm clock on the bedside table. She had always hated alarm clocks. Their howling reminder of the time always seemed to make her day get off to a horrible start. Today was Monday, and she had to work at the gym from ten in the morning until eight that night. She didn’t mind; in fact, it was her favorite job. She flexed like a cat, sprawling in the large empty bed, working out the kinks in her muscles, complements of last night. She looked at the crumpled sheets on the left side of the bed. She must have dreamed again last night. Then again, she dreamed every night. There was no sense in contemplating her family gift. She had set the alarm late, and if she didn’t get in the shower in a hurry, she’d never make it to work.
The hot jets pounded her soft flesh as she scrubbed her skin until it turned bright pink. She needed to feel clean again, to the point of obsession. As she washed the smeared mascara from her eyes, she was forced to really look at herself in the small shaving mirror that was kept in the shower. Dark brown hair fell in curly rivulets about a small angular face. Lighter colored brows furrowed down in sleek points over deep purple-blue eyes that turned up in the corners to give her a feral, catlike appearance. The high cheekbones of her face gave her a severe look alleviated only by round cheeks and a full bottom lip. A straight, long nose complemented her Celtic features, just as her small, slightly pointed ears gave her an impish look that had delighted Justin.
Damn it, there it was again. It seemed she could forget something so easily, only to let it slap her in the face when she least expected it. Disgusted with her tired train of thought, Whitney toweled off and stepped onto cold linoleum. As she was opening the door, she heard the phone ring and ran down the long upstairs hallway to catch it before the machine picked up.
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roguescholar reviewed Version 1 -
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I think this is a really good start to something…as it stands now it’s more a character study than a story, but I could see this developing into something really good. You have an excellent command of the language and painted the picture well.
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FrakKevin reviewed Version 1 -
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For random stuff it’s good. God you’re really good at description and detail. I dont know the plot but I could by the sentence you threw in about the family shows a long going struggle that she now has to deal with. If you ever post random stuff 1 or 2. I’ll be reading it.
aliciapie23 reviewed Version 1 -
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I’d like to see more interesting descriptions in your piece. For instance, instead of “blue-purple” eyes, maybe think of an object that has the color you’re thinking of and compare to that. You also compare Whitney to a cat on two separate occasions, so perhaps switch one of those. I’m curious what this “family gift” is. Will that be revealed later?
malapropist reviewed Version 1 -
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Not a bad start. You raise a couple of interesting threads in the first pages and have a couple of nice little tics on your character to make her unique. I wouldn’s spend so much time musing about alarm clocks or her job—they seem inconsequential. Your first paragraph will likely be the one that keeps a reader reading or causes the reader to move on. Alarm clocks aren’t very interesting. Neither is knowing that she has to work a full day and that she likes her job. If you go from the first sentence to “She flexed like a cat…” the story is moving forward with more power and momentum.
This is probably a first draft, so you don’t need to worry about until you revise, but watch out for how much you repeat yourself. Repeat use of “always” in second and third sentence. You describe your character as “catlike” or “like a cat” twice in the first two pages.
Interesting read and a promising start. Good luck.
Panda_Priest reviewed Version 1 -
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You’ve mentioned that it is incomplete, so obviously you are aware that it requires more.
I like the way that your writing flows. I enjoy your descriptions.
Only one little snag for me so far…complemented should be complimented.
Keep writing, let’s see the finished product
Elven_Vampiress reviewed Version 1 -
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Make it a longer short story! Ghis is a good begining, but I was left wanting more. What does Whitney’s day have instore? Why is the subject of Justin both painful and worn?
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