Thank you for a wonderful review! I appreciate your comments and will keep them in mind when I revise this piece.
Poetry / May the Bond Be Recast (Analysis)
Between us, Sisters of the Earth
Mother make it so
Harsh days are behind us
As long as we have
Each other
Life isn’t worth living
Without that soul
That complements
Need rifes my power
What was once there
Turned to cinders
Now my spirit lives
In hopes you will invite
My soul to yours
To be one again
To be whole, safe
As it should be
Blood Sister hear my cry
Help me feel again
The burn of your fire
The heat from you
Your heathen tongue
Raised in song
Forgive me for mistaking
This Sisterhood for
Friendship without love
Love binds us
Stronger than before
Gives us hope for tomorrow
Let what we have
Be never put asunder
Those that dare to come
Between the union we evoke
Be cast aside from the Earth
We cannot break that which we hold true…
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vruja reviewed Version 1 -
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Good start, sets the stage for the rest of the poem, but I do not know what you mean by “Need rifes my power” (not familiar with the word “rifes”). The third and fourth paragraphs are very beautiful and build up to a very romantic poem, very appropriate for a hand-fasting or marriage ceremony. The fifth paragraph I had to read several times before I could understand the meaning, but maybe I am not too sharp. I would rather say something like “Forgive me if I ever mistake”. The last paragraph is a perfect ending.
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Psychonautslog reviewed Version 1 -
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A poem, which conjures in the mind of the reader a magical bond of sisterhood, woven between passionate souls. There is a deep current of longing, which meanders the lines, a longing for a renewal (”...to be one again…”) combined with the hope for a merger of minds and passions (”...hear my cry/help me feel again…”).
The poem could be of an almost mythological quality and dimension, yet I would dare to suggest a reworking of some lines (wich may lead to an almost magical revoking of the whole message):
“Mother make it so…”
This is a little bit to bland, instead of “make” a more fitting term might be able to convey an even deeper sense of the inevitable.
“The heat from you…”
Either a plain “your heat” or “the heat radiating from you…” may give a
better “ring” to the reader.
The whole fabric of words could be woven even more dense, for example the connection between ”...need rifes my power…” and the following ”...what was once there turned to cinders…”. The upcoming question is, if the power was turned to cinders once and is now renewed through the forces of need, or if
cinders is connected to the ”...life isn´t worth living…”.
I would like to see a further version of the poem!
NightRainbow reviewed Version 1 -
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The flow of this poem is perfect. It takes a bit of questioning, however, to understand exactly what is being said. I had a difficult time deciding whether it was about a romantic love between women or a friendship-type love. I would try to clarify that point a bit better.
vangogh414 reviewed Version 1 -
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Subtle where it needs to be, blatant and raw in the same line. You create a beautiful sense of musicality and lyricism here that reflects an almost ancient tone of love and passion, as though this would be pronounced at some ancient ceremony. There is mystery and a quiet storm beneath your words that is at once passionate and somber. Strongest for me is the content from your 4th stanza downward; you manage to close in an appropriately open-ended thought. I would suggest removing the elipses, as this is both the only end-stop punctuation you have (which causes a sense that you weren’t considering what your punctuation was adding to the verse) and in a strange it makes it seem as though you were cut short, or ran out of ideas. Very nice poem!
scfaulkner reviewed Version 1 -
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I feel that I am riding two separate trains while reading this.
I enjoyed the lyrical content and the imagery, but I was confused as to the message.
As this is not an abstraction and I am an outside observer, it was interesting to look into something that felt intimate.
Like fingering through the underwear drawers of a stranger.
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