Short Story / 6 words - third submission

6 word memoirs are tough, too many mistake memoirs for statements. At least you brought a succession to the story, a cognition, an emotion, an action.  It implies a time line.  The only thing is that it is not that original, but try to get originality with six words, the number of available combinations is not that big. As it was said once: “The critique is easy, the art is difficult”  
So I wish you the very best.
PIM

It’s getting better!  (At least by my uninformed standards, forgive me if I sound haughty.)  With the changes now, the poem has a nicer sound, better flow, and more rhythm.  
(One thing: this doesn’t work for me as a short story.  It has a bit too much brevity for me in that regard; but I rated you a five so as not to mess up your ratings or anything!)

Loved your choice of words because it is so direct. When you wrote “changed it”, it tells me you take the bull by the horns when you need to. Great job!

nice