Poetry / PLASTIC WORLD (Part I)

You may need to delete that 2nd line because of Aqua Lyrics. Or start the poem with it and credit it to Aqua.

I like inner rhyme: name/fame, forget/connect

Your 3rd stz. could be a poem of itself.

You may want to condense this in to 4 stnzs.

You have talent, anger,

and with some critiques and reviews you will do well.

GBA

I think you have a good idea here but there are some problems: “I forget with my soul to connect” this sentence is garbled. Do you mean your soul doesn’t connect?
I disagree with your conclusion. The world isn’t divided into polar opposites; there are shades of gray. I think you are too harsh on your character and that makes you look judgmental and maybe even petty. Perhaps try to identify with her conflict a little bit; that would make the poem more interesting.

The best lines of the poem are:
“I say I find a pearl in the ocean everyday
But I only swam in wild rivers till yesterday”
This makes me think the character is a former rebellious punk-rock style singer who sold out to make more money. That would be an interesting story and I would like to hear more about it. Those lines also have a good flow to them.

Very expressive piece – nice metaphor usage. Nice scribe.

Loved this line ==>
“Beware! Be scared of me! I’m a glittering brand-new hypocrite!”

Heck Yes! Thats what I’m talkin’ about. Straight 10s from the judges.

The title “Plastic World” interested me enough to read through your piece, feeling as though you might have something intriguing to say about such a plastic topic. I felt where you were headed with this, but I thought it missed the punch. You’re first line automatically turned me off to the piece, seeing as though it reminded me of a horrible 90’s song. Consider reworking your first stanza. The subject matter has been worn out, it felt like this was delivered from a familiar surface level…whether it’s a sarcastic observation or a character portrait. Pretty girl gets led astray by the world – forgets who she is – lost forever in change.  

I don’t agree with your 6th stanza, and the caps seemed as chintzy as what you were trying to describe.    

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August 22, 2008

by anonymous

I don’t agree too with the sixth stanza, with the whole poem actually. This is part 1 and it’s another person’s point of view about me and my life. Part 2 will be my answer to all this.
Thanks for your review!

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Okay, I like the poem but not the context.  What you wrote is written well but the idea has been done.  Many argue that every idea has been done but this could have been done better.  The part about finding a pearl and swimming in wild waters was not clear and didnt work well with the piece.

Hmmmm….....

First off I’d say that I would alter the use of puncuation. Either end each sentence with or without. The fourth paragraph is the sole producer of multiple sentences per line. I’d revert back to having no more than on per line.

Second paragraph…... One ‘my’ is sufficent in line two.

The use of the equals sign in tying together all capitalized words is less than creative and minimizes. Keep consistant with the format.

The ‘meat’ of the piece is strong. Perhaps be a bit more ‘risky’ with certain words? ‘fake’ ‘wild’ scared’.....Take a risk!

Minor alterations will show the ‘life’ that is waiting in your work.

I look forward to reading pt.2!!!!

MD.

Is this a Hannah Montana confessional?  I think the character narrator is good.  It’s more strong in the beginning then gets kinda gothy.  I think you need to go deeper into the psychosis that is teenage idoldom and maybe even create some narrative points.  The voice is strong and you are working behind the Mask of the self- loathing Barbie girl so have some fun with this satirical invention.  The four word = statement thingie at the end was confusing and didn’t fit in with the piece unless you want to try and weave it in earlier.

THANX

Hi Starla.

I have tried to deconstruct what you wrote to see if I could get on to your wave length. This is the draft I developed. cheers, lin

I’m Starla a plastic barbie doll
   searching for fame
   but I lost my soul.

I lost my freedom & my dreams are
   locked on to a hopeless stage  
   playing fake roles.

I still believe in fairy-tales,
   I love wearing red lipgloss
   & frenched tipped nails.

I pretend I find a pearl every day
   but I’m floundering in the swirl.

Beware of my smiling mask,
   I’m a freak show underneath,
   unable to make up my mind.
  
The stitches holding my past
   & present have come undone.

Life is neither black nor white
   just shadows in the lanes of change.
  
I must trust my intuition,
   let go of uncertainies
   & ride the flow.
  
  

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July 30, 2008

by Lin

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
564	65.4% (156 votes)	59.8%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
68	M	Australia	September 29

If you’d like me to work with you on developing ‘barbiedoll’ please send me a message. cheers, lin

July 31, 2008

by anonymous

Hi Lin, thank you so much for your help, but for now it’s important for me that this poem remains what it is. It was written after a bad fight with a friend of mine. This is his point of view about me in that moment, so I used his own words… I want it to be like this, but I thank you so much for your precious review! :)

July 31, 2008

by Lin

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
564	65.4% (156 votes)	59.8%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
68	M	Australia	September 29

ok, it’s set in stone. No problem. Nice to know that it’s not your perception of yourself & that he is still your friend. cheers & goodluck, lin

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Nice take on cynicism, however, Plastic World may not be an apt title because, how or why it’s plastic is never really shown. The rhythm is all over the place but it’s fixable by giving it a bit more structure.  The 1st verse, with rhyming of girl and world, name and fame, is almost like a lyric, but the 2nd is more like prose.  If you restructure it you might want to decide to use rhyme throughout or not at all.  Or if you want to mix it up, maybe rhyme the 1st and not the 2nd but be consistent in the following verses (rhyme one, not the other).  

It would be nice if there were a verse between the first two explaining how you lost your freedom, etc., and why the world seems fake to you.  We really don’t know why so that would let us know how you feel.

V3 seems contrived for the sake of rhyming, ‘… fairy-tales… nails.’  Those two lines don’t seem to have anything to do with each other.

Maybe, ‘I wear a smiling mask,’ is less awkward.

The last two verses have a rap quality to them.  It could be really nice but you need to decide if it’s a poem, free verse, a lyric, or a rap and then follow through.