Non-fiction / Returning

Interesting combination of words. I suppose different impressions could be drawn from different readers, but this is my impression. These words to me bring me thoughts of insomnia. The attempts at trying to sleep but the efforts are fruitless and just creates frustration without achievement. It definitely makes one think about the words and the context of them. Kudos for good rhyming too.

• add/view comments (1)

July 31, 2008

by trident

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
86	79.2% (53 votes)	26.0%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
48	M	Birmingham, AL	November 09

trying to describe life with six words offers 1000’s of possibilities. Your interpretation is a good one. :-)

You must login to the site or create an account in order to post a comment.

pretty much sums up my life right now.  wonderfully light hearted but still very depressing…haha.

• add/view comments (1)

July 28, 2008

by trident

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
86	79.2% (53 votes)	26.0%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
48	M	Birmingham, AL	November 09

yeah – if you look through these comments you’ll see those that get it and those that don’t – the discriminator is most certainly age.

You must login to the site or create an account in order to post a comment.

Sounds a lot like insomnia, but if so, one does not earn while sleeping at night. Not sure how this plays into a memoir as churning burning etc seems redolent of past works and words and how does it really relate to not earning? I would perhaps be more particular on what this relates to, and a comma is needed after churning.

• add/view comments (1)

July 26, 2008

by trident

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
86	79.2% (53 votes)	26.0%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
48	M	Birmingham, AL	November 09

thanks – i’ll add the comma (if I can)

You must login to the site or create an account in order to post a comment.

I think you could change a couple things to keep a better flow and add impact.

One would be to add a comma after “churning,” so all of the words in the first sentence would be consistent.

The other would be to have “not” be your last word.  I also suggest putting it in parenthesis or otherwise separating it with a dash or ellipsis.  This will keep the flow consistent in the entire memoir until the very last moment, where it reverses.

For example: churning, burning, tossing, turning, earning… not.

• add/view comments (1)

July 26, 2008

by trident

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
86	79.2% (53 votes)	26.0%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
48	M	Birmingham, AL	November 09

thanks. will add the comma (if I can). nice idea with the ‘not’, but I prefer the cadence as it is.

You must login to the site or create an account in order to post a comment.

Interesting. Makes me wonder about who you are and what is stopping you.

• add/view comments (2)

July 26, 2008

by trident

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
86	79.2% (53 votes)	26.0%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
48	M	Birmingham, AL	November 09

thanks. i guess it’s lack of exposure… and finishing… but now I’ve discovered urbis, who knows ;-)

July 26, 2008

by trident

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
86	79.2% (53 votes)	26.0%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
48	M	Birmingham, AL	November 09

thanks. i guess it’s lack of exposure… and finishing… but now I’ve discovered urbis, who knows ;-)

You must login to the site or create an account in order to post a comment.

These rhyming words don’t say anything. They rhyme, and that’s it. Perhaps if you cut out some of the cutesy-ness and tried showing your reader what is “churning” and “burning”. Good luck.

LOL, that is so all of us that write and are not published!  I love it.  The burn to write continues even if we aren’t recognized.  

very entertaining…the churning and burning, I take as your inspiration and words not yet written, tossing and turning, unable to sleep until the art is free…but like 99% of the writers and painters, as beautiful a masterpiece as it may be, it will not earn you your fortune…but I’m sure you’re a richer person having done it. Nice.

• add/view comments (2)

July 25, 2008

by trident

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
86	79.2% (53 votes)	26.0%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
48	M	Birmingham, AL	November 09

Thank you for getting it ;-)

July 25, 2008

by roguescholar

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
100	58.0% (50 votes)	32.4%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
35	M	Saint Louis, MO	December 31

well, thank-you for writing it…

You must login to the site or create an account in order to post a comment.

At this point, this isn’t a full story. Develop this so it inspires questions, as in the Hemingway baby shoes example.

the ING’s ruing it – weakens it considerably.

• add/view comments (2)

July 19, 2008

by trident

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
86	79.2% (53 votes)	26.0%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
48	M	Birmingham, AL	November 09

Thanks for your comment. Not sure I follow though. Care to elaborate?
IMHO the ‘ing’s give it a sense of ongoing (dynamism), and ‘Not Earning’ certainly doesn’t work with any other modifier.

July 20, 2008

by Sweettouch

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
271	66.4% (140 votes)	26.3%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
44	F	Walsenburg, CO	March 02

no ing carries no weight in writing it weakens each word – to find another way of stating the passage would stregthen it. There is nothing dynamic in the Ing words. Sorry maybe it is a matter of choice but in any short writing and poetry ing;’s are considered a weak link.

You must login to the site or create an account in order to post a comment.