Horror / This is a story - Chapter One
“Could anyone look better in this dress?” I asked to my reflection.
“You can’t go.” The voice of reason, also known as my twin Allison, spoke. ”Jennifer, stay home tonight.”
“You’re not Mom. You can’t tell me what to do.” I glanced at my reflection again. ”Everyone is -“
She was dressed as an angel. Allison was five minutes older than me, but she acted a lot younger. She wore a loose white robe, a wreath of laurels on her head- the whole costume was a no.
“You can’t go.” she repeated “Not tonight- something is-”
“Is Mom downstairs?”
“No, she’s helping Lori-” I didn’t hear what else Allison said. I started to hurry out. It was Halloween, and I had been invited to a party. Mom found out, and my two sisters ended up getting invitations to it too.
I managed to avoid them as I darted out of the house. I carefully hopped into my boyfriend’s car, taking care to make sure my short dress stayed in place. If it rode up more than an inch, everyone would be able to see my underwear.
The party was great for the first ten minutes. I was surrounded by five or six guys who were telling me how hot I looked. Then, a hearse pulled up, and everyone ran out to look.
A goth girl was in the hearse, some girl with jet black hair, and fake vampire fangs. Her red dress was kind of cute- and then I realized why I thought it was cute. It was my dress. The driver of the hearse was dressed as an angel.
That meant that my youngest sister was in my red dress. She was dressed like a goth, and she had stolen my red dress. I was very, very angry.
“Ok, Lori?” I walked over to the goth as fast as I could “Go home, get rid of the goth, take off my dress, and go play with your dolls. This is for big girls.”
She laughed at me, and walked away.
“You can still leave.” Allison said. I was stubborn.
I wasn’t leaving the party. I wanted to be admired more. I was popular. I was pretty, I deserved it.
Allison kept looking at me during the party. It was really kind of unnerving. She came up to me once more before everything went wrong, but I ignored it. I didn’t give her a chance to speak- instead, I walked away towards the cooler.
I never made it. The ceiling fell, and every part of my body began to hurt. Allison was standing over me, for a second, I thought an actual angel was standing there.
“I tried to tell you.” she said “Don’t talk. Sleep.”
For once, I listened.
You need to log in to urbis or create an urbis account to review this writing.
Reviews
Sort Reviews by Newest | Oldest | Highest Quality | Lowest Quality | Newest Comments |
This was an interesting start. I really liked the ending. It seems to have a lot of promise.
Some things to think about…
The beginning is all dialogue. One of the problems starting with dialogue is that we don’t know the characters yet, and don’t care much what they have to say. Start with some action and get inside the main character’s head a little more. Also what’s missing is a description of the surroundings. You only need enough to give the reader an idea of the surrounds, the reader can fill in the blanks for themselves.
It might be fun to include some precursor to what’s going to happen at the party, a dead bird (although it’s kind of cliché), a ripped dress, a broken heal, smashed finger, a near miss in some sort of accident, etc.
The part where Jennifer gets into the car and then in the next sentence is at the party was rather abrupt. Consider writing the car ride over, what does she see outside the window? Again she could see something foreboding that warns her again of the impending danger. What is see feeling? Is the excitement or anticipation for the party growing? It there a nagging voice in the back of her head about the danger Alison foresees?
I think Alison should be more specific in the beginning about why she wants her sister to stay home. Has she had a vision? Does she have a bad feeling? Has she ever predicted bad things happening before? It almost seems like Alison knows what’s going to happen and just lets it happen. Does she know precisely what the danger is or does she only know it’s at the party.
Also give us some idea how old these girls are. Why is the party to grown-up for the youngest sister?
Hope this helps. I’d love to read more.
- add/view comments (1)
Showing 1 - 1 of 1
Review item
Add to faves
GENERAL
REVIEW QUEUE
Ratings & Rankings
