Young Adult / (no title yet) (Analysis)
1
She opened the door to her room, a cluttered mess, with piles of dirty clothes and old magazines on the floor. She kicked a stack of antique books over on the way to her bed, but luck would have it that she had kicked it just right so that her little toe bent backward. She yelped as she hobbled over to her bed. “Dangit! Just what I needed”, she muttered as she examined the wound. It was nothing more than a temporary sprain, but it would be sore the rest of the day, no doubt.
This pain would soon pass, though, unlike the deep hurt she suffered every day in the pit of her stomach. No, that was a different kind of pain, an internal bleeding, so to speak. It grew each day, and though she constantly willed it away, it only grew deeper, clawing at her heart. It tugged at her vocal chords, chanting, daring for her to say something about this disease. Instead, she chose to ignore it, which only gave it more power over her, but what other choice did she have? She was helpless.
With this weight on her shoulders, along with a new injury, Sky limped into her bathroom and took a good look at herself. As she held on the the counter for support, she stared into her own eyes. They were gray, with a splash of blue near the pupils. There was a certain sadness hidden in them, a quality that seemed to make her say, Please, come help me find myself. Sky wondered how people could not see it. It seemed so obvious to her, but then again, she had studied herself so much that she knew where every wrinkle on her forhead was. She wasn’t conceited when she did this, just bored, but what was boredom? Was it just a state of being too lazy to do anything, or was it a time of nothingness, with no responsibilities? Sky thought it was just a teenage slang word for relaxation.
Sky stepped back from the mirror, and looked at her whole body. She was just right, not too thin, not overweight. She weighed 124 pounds, but it felt like so much more with such a burden on her mind all the time. Sure, teenagers are supposed to go through many different changes, and be confused, but she felt like she had been ripped off. She didn’t know anyone else that was going through this. Why couldn’t she find anyone to relate to? She wished she could talk to her best friend, Autumn, about it. She knew it would be extremely difficult, but it was a task she was willing to complete. Eventually. As she thought about Autumn, Sky caught herself almost smiling. “Stop it,” she told herself, shaking her head. Okay, she’d talk to her about it soon.
Pushing these thoughts aside for the time being, Sky stumbled back through her room and out into the hallway. Photographs and random snapshots almost covered the hallway walls. So many memories, and so little memory on her camera to capture all that she wanted. The pictures went from Sky being two months old, with a white bow around her head, to her at two years old, waddling around (much like she was now), and all the way to present day, a beautiful young lady, as most adults liked to compliment her. There were also pictures of her parents: their dating days, their wedding, and their vacations with Sky when she was old enough to travel. Snapshots of holidays and family friends also hung on the wall, and Sky wondered if she would still be on the wall years later, in pictures with her friends, or maybe even a spouse. Sky sighed. When she moved out of her parents’ house and got her own, she would have a whole wall dedicated to her lover. Sure, I’ll have a wall for family too, but it won’t be nearly as amazing, she thought.
Sky’s imagination was interrupted when her cell phone buzzed in her pocket. She giggled as she took it out – the vibrating had tickled. Her snicker was ceased when she saw who it was that was calling. It was Mom. Sky rolled her eyes as she answered, annoyed at having her daydream shattered. She managed a semi-polite “Hello?”
Her voice shrilled into Sky’s ear, “Hey, I’m on my way home, and Dad’s working late, so when I get there, I’ll get dinner started. Chicken and dumplings sound good?”
Sky turned the volume down on her phone, thrown off-balance by the loudness of her mother’s voice. Why was it that only her mom’s calls seemed amplified, and never anyone elses? “Fantastic. Bye.” She hung up immediately after Mom’s goodbye, feeling guitly for snapping at her. It wasn’t like her mom was doing anything wrong, heck, she was making dinner for her, but she always seemed to have the worst timing for everything she said. It wasn’t her fault – she didn’t know what Sky felt like all the time, therefore she had no clue as to why Sky would constantly be so moody and aloof. She just blamed teenage hormones. Sky was stunned by how naive her mother could be.
It wasn’t just that “all parents are stupid” way of thinking, it was the fact that Sky had hinted at her dilemma for years, hoping her mom would put the pieces together, and that way Sky wouldn’t have to admit anything. She would look her mother straight in the eyes, searching for hope, but all she could find was a shallow pool of black, swallowed up by a deep blue iris, safe from the world and its realities. She would never understand.
Sky padded down the hall, realizing that she had been staring blankly at an old picture of herself on her first birthday. She had cake smeared all over her face and clothes. A great, gummy smile was spread from cheek to cheek, and her mom was next to her high chair, grinning. Dad must’ve taken the picture. He always loved catching the moment in his photography. Sky wondered how the baby in the picture had evolved into the girl she was now. It was strange to think that she was the same person. Did people ever imagine her thinking (no, daydreaming) about the things she did every day? Did anyone ever suspect it? Probably not. She was too good an actress to have people ponder about such a thing.
Right?
____________
Sky was lying down on the couch when her mom came in the front door. Linda, Sky’s mom, was forty years old, but she hardly looked it. With long brown hair and big blue eyes, she could pass as a woman who’d just turned thirty. However, she looked just her age as she rushed past Sky and into the kitchen, setting down her purse on the coffee table along the way. Sky watched as her mom turned the oven on, opened the cupboard, took out the box that contained the food, along with the appropriate utensils, and poured the ingredients into a deep-dish pan. Linda then snatched up the box, readig the directions on the side. She set the timer on the oven, and set the box back down. Sky was still lying down, watching her every move.
”You know, it’d be nice to have a little help around here,” Linda said to her, jealous of Sky’s ability to not care.
Sky stared back. Her mind had been wandering again, and she was beginning to get a headache. All she could think of to say was, “Sorry.”
Sky’s blank expression was hard to read. Linda sighed, and after a moment she said, “I wish I knew what was wrong so I could help you through it. You seem so…sad.”
The statement surprised Sky – she didn’t think her mother even noticed; she was too busy to pay attention to her own daughter, too “stressed”, but what did she know about being stressed? Sky thought she had no clue, but apparently, she did, and apparently, she wanted a response.
Unfortunately, Sky was unprepared. Caught off-guard, Sky’s mouth hung open, unable to form the words she wished to say. Words she needed to say. The disease urged Sky to confess, confess everything she’d ever seen, thought, felt. It punched at her stomach, making Sky grunt a little, “Hm”. She wasn’t ready to submit herself to this infection, this cancerous emotion.
Linda was offended by the short answer. Why wouldn’t (couldn’t) her daughter talk to her? Anger flared up inside of her. “What? Why can’t you just talk to me? I’m your mother, I’ll still love you, no matter what it is.” Sky wasn’t sure if that would be true or not, if she were to tell her what was wrong. “Please, just…I’m here for you.”
Sky’s ears were confused. Was she hearing her mother correctly? Maybe she should just blurt everything out, everything. The monster inside screamed at the thought. She reconsidered, and decided that she wasn’t ready just yet. But soon. So, to avoid the subject, Sky got up to go back to her room, muttering, “Alright…whatever.”
”Excuse me?”
Sky turned to face her mother. “What?”
”’Whatever’? I can’t believe how you can be so rude!” a frustrated Linda said.
Sky couldn’t bear the pressure. “Mom! You wouldn’t get it anyways, so just drop it!” With that, Sky stomped down the hall to her room and slammed the door. Linda was left bewildered, stunned, and hurt. “I’m not stupid, I’d understand…” she quietly told herself, and sulked back into the kitchen.
____________
Sky jumped onto her bed, landing on her back. She grabbed a pillow, and put it over her face. No way Mom would understand, Sky thought. Would she? Sky’s stomach growled, reminded her that she hadn’t eaten since breakfast. Dinner’s aroma seeped in under her bedroom door, and tickled her nose. Despite being set in her ways, Sky gave in to the temptation, and walked sullenly into the kitchen after a few moments of cooling off. The smell was stronger in here, and Sky’s mouth watered as she sat down at the bar.
”Dinner is served, your Highness,” said Linda.
And they both smiled.
2
Sky woke up and frowned. She’d had yet another realistic dream of the disease’s motives (or were they from her heart?). She was used to the routine. Sky rolled over to grab her phone and look at the time. It was nine in the morning. Mom had already left for work, and Dad was still sleeping. Sky rolled onto her back and shut her eyes, trying to remember what exactly had happened in the dream. This time it was about some girl she didn’t even know, but seemed familiar, in a way.
Sky was in a store at a mall, looking at clothes. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw a girl walk by, smiling at her. Then, a guy came up to Sky, and started flirting with her. She was annoyed, and it was easy to see that she did not want him talking to her. Out of nowhere, Sky felt an arm link hers, and saw that it was the girl, who then said to the man, “Sorry, but we’re together.” The guy walked away, and Sky thanked her. Sky tried to ask the question she’d been wanting to since she first saw the girl, but she couldn’t. The girl saw that she was struggling, and said something like, “Yeah, I’m like a bird. I fly both ways,” and smiled. Sky thought now, as she picked apart her dream, Well, what the heck did that mean? Apparently, in her dream, she understood, and Sky and the girl hung out the rest of the day. Sky brought her home with her, and they were just laughing and having a good time, when Sky’s mother came in. She didn’t seem happy, and she told Sky that the girl was trouble, and to keep away from her. Sky became upset, and refused to stop being friends with the girl, and left with her. Then the dream was over. Even as she remembered it in her waking life, Sky was annoyed at Linda, though she’d done nothing wrong. Sky had read somewhere that the average human dream only lasts for about three to five seconds. Sky didn’t believe this so-called fact. How could so much happen in that little miniscule bit of time? So much emotion, so many settings, and only in 1/96th of the whole recommended eight hours of sleep? No way.
Sky opened her eyes, squinting, and let them adjust to the light that shone through her blinds. After a moment of patching up missing pieces of her newest dream, she got up and got some bath water running. Baths always calmed her down, and truth be told, she never liked showers. She’d always preferred baths, since she was a little girl – it was how her mom had raised her, and she never saw a reason to change it.
Ten minutes later, the bathtub was full to the point of almost overflowing. Sky pulled the drain and let some water go until it was just right. She closed the door, stripped off her clothes, and got in. The sudden temperature change made Sky get tense, but she soon eased up, and the warmth of the water made her muscles relax. She laid back, submerging her hair into the water, and stayed there, with her ears underwater, as well. She loved the sounds of being underwater – maybe that was why she loved to swim and desperately wished to go scuba diving someday. It made everything distorted, and made everything sound louder and closer than it really was. She loved to snap her fingernails together, and it sounded like bones were cracking. Sky remembered being five years old, spending as much as two hours in the bathtub, making up stories, and playing with toy dinosaurs and other little toys. She’d always had a great imagination, and she would continue stories for weeks, just building on and on to it, until finally she stopped and started over again. Sky smiled; she was a pretty entertaining kid. Being an only child only left more room for her creativity. Too bad Dad wasn’t there to see a lot of it. He was a workaholic. He thought it’d be a good idea to be his own boss, so he could make his own hours and supposedly get more money. Instead, he wasted seven years of his life, and missed some of the best years of Sky’s life. It was a good thing Sky was little and didn’t remember much of it, except playing all day in the office with her friends. Sky wished now that she would have seen him more, but still, she loved her father all the same. It wasn’t his fault for what had happened.
Sky sat back up, and the water trickled down her back, which made her smile. She wished she wasn’t so ticklish. She then thought about her baptism, a little over a year ago. At the time, she was determined to cleanse herself of this sin, and leave it all to God, and she did. For a while. Not long after that she found herself sinning again, worse and worse as time went on. Now look at where she was. She couldn’t get her head around it. Hadn’t she handed it all over to God? Hadn’t she left it up to him to fix her? To heal this terrible disease? Instead, she was sucked into it, and felt like she could never get out. This infection was killing her, from the inside out. She’d typed to herself, and God, a few months ago. It was her way of confessing certain things she couldn’t find in her to say out loud. She wrote openly and honestly, praying for help, feeling guilt for not trusting Him like she felt she should have. By the end, she was crying, and begging for an answer. She promised that she would give it to Him, for real, and never let it get to that point again, but now, she already felt guilt for slipping back into the quicksand that is so easy to sink back into. Sky made it a point to herself to never blame God for any of it – she knew that there was no one to blame but herself, that she controlled her actions, but her dreams confused her the most. Her actions, she could handle (not for much longer), but her dreams she couldn’t control – she couldn’t help what she saw. She also couldn’t help what she felt; emotions were involuntary.
Sky took a deep breath. “Let it go,” she said to herself, and laid back completely underwater. She held her breath for about fifteen seconds, then shot back up out of the water, swallowing gasps of air. She felt refreshed.
About half an hour had passed since she’d gotten in the tub, more than enough time to get clean, so she pulled the plug and got out, drying herself off. She bent over and shook her head in her towel, drying her hair, which she then flung back, splattering water all over the mirror. It hung down in loose waves, soon to be curls. Sky then put on shorts and a t-shirt, along with the necessary undergarments, and then walked down the hallway to her parents’ bedroom. Dad was still sound asleep, sawing logs. Sky smiled. How did he not wake himself up, snoring like that? Mom snored too, and Sky figured they were perfect for each other, but how they slept together with so much noise was a mystery to her.
After having some (“nutritious”) cereal for breakfast, she realized that she had gotten up early for nothing. Now she had time to kill.
Memories, flashbacks, emotions flowed into Sky’s mind as she opened up her old photo album and saw the first page of pictures. These were pictures she hadn’t looked at, remembered (and tried to forget), in a few years. Sky’s eyes teared up as she stared at the first photo. It was Crystal.
____________
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I’d written this really long review when I suddenly hit the evil arrow button, so I’ll have to sum up the most important points without concrete examples (as I can’t be bothered with reading it all over again this early in the morning xP).
Well, first of all; have you ever tried kicking a stack of books? If you do, you’ll see that there is no way you can get as badly hurt as Sky here does. The pain will go away after a few minutes and won’t return unless you do the same thing over again.
You’ve chosen to write from Sky’s point of view. Therefore you should keep to that. In some places you change into her mother’s point of view. That may confuse the reader.
I don’t know what kind of illness it is Sky is dealing with, but it seems very bad. But in the next second, Sky is suddenly thinking about her future. Is it a lethal illness? If so, she’d probably add a “If I’ll live that long” or something, after her thought about her future family.
Don’t be afraid to use details! Mention things we know from everyday life. For example – what kind of food are they eating? You only mention a box with something in it. What is it?
Also, is there a coach in the kitchen? Where are we? You could perhaps give us some more details of their surroundings? What kind of family is this? Rich/average/poor?
I think you’re great with metaphors! I especially liked the one about memories/memory cards!
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To my eyes, your work on this is perfect. I looked for mistakes but could not find any. I like your style and your pace. The content is very well balanced and I’m sure that your readers will identify themselves with the story, or at least be empathetic toward the characters. I wish to read more of it. I hope this isn’t the end. Good luck!
I felt like I knew Sky very well after having read this. You have developed an interesting, true-to-life female character. There were some “vague” areas, as you pointed out in your reviewer’s note. ”...the box that contained the food”, is one example. Actually describing what food it was won’t add much to the story itself, but it will help painted a more believable scene. Small details such as these will add a lot to the overall reality of the story. ”...at the mall, looking at clothes”, is another example. Describe the clothes, and you add a little bit more to the overall reality and scenery of the story. There is just enough dialogue to help breathe life into your characters. I am assuming that the character Sky is based loosely on the author? A powerful story that could use some polishing, but one that is well worth the effort. :)
i was interested the whole time! it’s not really that ‘rough and vauge’ like you said it was, i understood the stroy, this girl is battling wiht the fact she might possibly like girls. I’m very curious to see what happens with SKy and find out who Crystal and Autum, even the girl in her dream are.
I read your story and I love it!!! it keep me wanting more and to see what happend wbetween her and the mother and if she would end up telling he wht really was wrong. :D i hpe that i get to read more from you. maybe u can email me and tell me when u are going to finsh the rest.
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