Interesting review. Thanks. I had already (but i can;t remember whether i put it in the notes) added a dedication to tebago which makes it clear that he was the choirmaster’s son and he had died the night before the concert. unfortunately a true story, although i am worried that this may render it a little corny.
Poetry / The Fezeka High School Choir (Analysis)
In come the boys, all long and lean.
Upright and proud, with boyish beliefs
Slouched like tongues curled in their cheeks.
The tallest one smirks,
Like a girl asked him first;
Warily caught laughing out loud.
He practises,
His father watching from a thin bed of iron,
Delicate as an old umbrella frame.
Defiant too, though wearily clenched.
Simply the gang of them,
Stretched the length of the stage,
Like marchers advancing up dirt roads,
All orangey heat and a haze of kicked up heels.
But instead they sway and sing,
A football crowd
That has outlearnt and then welcomed love.
Now the girls too,
Their bellies’ burst loaves,
Mushrooms of fresh dough,
Too young to be so full.
Then the young one,
With her sparrow’s chest and foal’s legs,
Reaches into the room’s thrall –
A voice like her mother’s seen her doom,
As the other kids take one more breath and come in.
This music is power: hair rising on a bear’s back;
An owl eye opening in the black night;
Moonlight dipping on sand;
The rub of love’s thumb through our guts for the first time.
Tebogo is dead, but they can sing.
Tebogo is dead, but they can still sing.
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plummouthsong reviewed Version 3 -
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I’m floored. and I’m rarely floored. There are a lot of things writen that i like, but yours is the first I’ve read in a year and wondered why the writer isnt published. I love everything. I feel like I see and feel everything you do. I espacially enjoy the imagery at the end. my favorites are the one about the owl and love’s thumb.excellent.
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sirM reviewed Version 3 -
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I respond well to the intentional but unpretentious speaking voice. Several phrases seem worth praising as well, particularly the similie, ‘delicate as an old umbrella frame” for the way it fuses an antique, almost antiquated image with the rigid delicacy you are trying to evoke for the father. Your other similies and metaphors bolster the poem well too and add powerful emotional touches, the second-to-last stanza seeming to knock the mind most with its unusual implied metaphors. The zenith moment for me, though, occurs with the line and personification, “the rub of love’s thumb….” Extraordinary. If the quality of poetic devices is the poems strength, the central argument is its weakness, however. The poem successfully dwells on the choir and begins to allude to the lives of the kids beyond the night of the concert. That’s interesting. I would like more of it. In fact, I would use that opportunity as a device to allude in small ways to Tebogo. The problem is that the poem also strives to be an ode at the end with the refrain, “Tebogo is dead.” I am reminded of Milton’s Lycidas. One distracts from the other. Perhaps the poem should be dedicated to Tebogo instead of alluding to him directly.
lambo reviewed Version 3 -
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striking. i think this is an excellent poem. i loved the first to stanzas, then it was a little quiet then it warmed up again at the end. thank you!
Marvin reviewed Version 3 -
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“Slouched like tongues curled in their cheeks.”—nice bit of imagery
“All orangey heat”—hmmm…orangey is an interesting adjective, although, i’m not sure if it works. for me. it might work for someone else.
“That has outlearnt and then welcomed love.”—this line confuses me some. they learned more than love and then welcomed it? distorted. but interesting.
“The rub of love’s thumb through our guts for the first time.”—this is my favorite line. it’s got a nice flow to it.
Nice work. I must admit, I’m a bit lost on some aspects of it. Like “Tebogo.” I don’t know Tebogo and I have no frame of reference. Hence, it’s an obscurity to me.
What I did enjoy was the imagery. You’ve got a fine hand at crafting pictures.
The title too, has appeal. A fine work that left me feeling a bit confused and uneasy…thanks.
Gardenia reviewed Version 3 -
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I like your use of simile:
In come the boys, all long and lean.
Upright and proud, with boyish beliefs
Slouched like tongues curled in their cheeks.
Some of this I didn’t comprehend, but perhaps it has meaning to other reviewers or is only meant for you to comprehend?
A voice like her mother’s seen her doom,
Tebogo is dead, but they can sing.
Tebogo is dead, but they can still sing.
I also like that it has a logical flow.
PenelopeMV reviewed Version 3 -
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Good imagery:boyish beliefs Slouched like tongues curled in their cheeks
Confused by this:The tallest one smirks, Like a girl asked him first;
3rd stanza confused by the father on a thin iron bed
4th stanza your best/ I can see it/
6th stanza beautifully written with great symbolism and imagery
Line:With her sparrow’s chest and foal’s legs, beautiful image of youth
I don’t get Tebogo. It’s a reference I don’t understand. My bad.
hovercraft reviewed Version 3 -
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Best thing I’ve read ever since I joined this site. I personally think it’s perfect.
oknapp reviewed Version 3 -
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All orangey heat and a haze of kicked up heels. You might find another word for haze. The defintion of a haze: is a kind of fog, or cloud cover.
The rub of love’s thumb through our guts for the first time. I don’t get this.
The poem makes me think of might high school days. My favorite stanza is:”The tallest one smirks,
Like a girl asked him first;
Warily caught laughing out loud.
He practises,”
The poem has a nostalgic air to it. I like the neat way the stanza’s are grouped. I can actually see the kids filing onto the stage. A nice arrangement. Very descriptive words. Stanza three brings beauty into the poem. Over-all, i liked it and can identify with most of it. Sandi
Howard_Bushart reviewed Version 2 -
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Nice job. I’m wondering though. You have alternating verses of three lines/four lines until we reach the last seven and then it’s just one long verse. Did you mean to do that or is it a format problem? I don’t find it a major flaw either way though if the structure is important to you, you might want to reconsider. The sounds, line lengths and meter are pretty solid throughout and the images certainly appeal to the senses. It’s even hard to say which I like best because every time I decide on one, another interjects. So, “tongues curled” in cheeks, an old man built like an umbrella frame, girls whose bellies “burst dough”, etc. are all excellent. I’d be proud of this one.
There is, however, an unfortunate couplet in verse seven with the end-rhymes “room/doom”. There’s nothing else like this in the entire poem and it really jumps out at the reader, attracting attention to itself but not in a good way. This is the piece that holds the work back. Still a good job. Good luck with it.
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