Understand completely… thanks for the candor and diplomacy all at once.
Journal, Diary, & Blogging / Performance Anxiey (Analysis)
Be brutally truthful… I’m a big boy, slightly overweight, pun intended.. but can take it or will have to learn to. That I had no predisposition or preparation in writing this musing of my too idle mind, or that what was intended to be a helping hand to a friend dealt a mixed suit of unrelated cards…it was clear now that with account created and virtual quill a quivering, I’d taken the first hesitant steps into the world of writing. I won’t be a pretender to the throne quite so quickly as to suggest any of this might actually be creative and so with back bent and shirt rendered in strips, my virginal back is offered for the lashes that are sure to come… don’t be shy. Is it not your duty to protect the integrity of the craft of writing by holding all to a standard such that willful flouting of the disciplines required to do this dance are not taken lightly. Put your back into each stroke. There is a lesson to be learned here and if we can agree that knowledge births power which in turn places the burden of responsibility ‘pon its shoulders; then by extension should you not suitably flog me for my temerity? Don’t be daft then… let fly with invective and let the games begin…
Yuh done massah? Will dat be all yuh haf fi me today? Okay, I will see yuh in the mawnin’
You need to log in to urbis or create an urbis account to review this writing.
Reviews
Sort Reviews by Newest | Oldest | Highest Quality | Lowest Quality | Newest Comments |
softballbaby18 reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100% of the Item
This 5 word review has not been unlocked.
2JTussin reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100% of the Item
This 92 word review has not been unlocked.
lilceresita23 reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100% of the Item
I’m sorry..I’m not quite sure what that was.?
You have some beautiful lines…amongst your ummmm blogging?
“my virginal back…” GENIUS! I’m just not quite sure what to make of it..
is all…not trying to be negative at all, even though if I were you wouldn’t mind apparently.
Then your last line…the “massah” part…what in the world is that?
What is its purpose there honestly? I don’t see it. If anything it sounds a bit negative from my personal perspective…
I just don’t understand your piece really…not the way you went about it.
Good luck though…
- add/view comments (0)
mystryballadist reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100% of the Item
I very much enjoy your use of vocabulary. I also liked that this was a sort of “stream of consciousness” composition- it made it very unique. The images you are trying to craft are very poignant, but I feel like they somehow get a little garbled due to the flow of the piece. That’s not necessarily a bad thing though. I tend to prefer pieces where you have to dig around for comprehension.
eminemslove85 reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100% of the Item
to me it didnt make any sense…what were u talking about??
hovercraft reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100% of the Item
I love the lyricalness of this piece…lots of beautiful metaphors, personifications, and such. I do so like the way you write. You give your own disclaimer that seems to be warning of your amateurness…but on the contrary, my good sir, you are quite the man with a way with words!
And I loved the little quip at the end…I see a little black boy with a guitar and a bowl of porridge. I don’t know if that’s the vision that was intended, but that’s who I see, and my day has been made. :)
TnD reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
-“done[,] massah”
-Ellipses draw away from the intended point. Single periods keep the same pace, but if you want to break it up and add some drama, put paragraph spacing between the sentences.
-“That I had” => Kind of an awkward and long sentence. Didn’t really catch the point of the first part, but can relate with the rest.
-Good writing comes with practice. Not abuse.
Thanks for sharing and good luck.
Showing 1 - 7 of 7
Review item
Add to favesCreator
Relevant Links
Item Stats
GENERAL
6 Reviews 3 Comments
Version 2
Latest Activity: about 1 year ago
REVIEW QUEUE
Appeared in Queue: 0 Times
Skipped: 8 Times
Ratings & Rankings
Versions
| Version 2 | Version 1 (Deleted) |