Thank you very much.
Sci Fi & Fantasy / Rough Draft (Soul Mate - Chapter One)
Julia un-wrapped the bubble wrap and placed the last mug in the kitchen cabinet as the tea kettle whistled. She had finally unpacked every box which read kitchen in black marker. It had taken all night but she was too excited; to sleep. Julia took a deep breath, poured a cup of tea and walked over to the picture window that viewed out over the ocean. She grabbed the chair and pulled it closer to the window. Sat down and snuggled deep into it. She grabbed the mug and cupped her hands over the warmed of it and stared out upon the view.
It was a gorgeous view. The stars were shining bright and the moon was peeking out from behind a gray, misty cloud. Julia could not have imagined such a view, she thought how perfect this moment seemed. She fell in love with the condo as soon as she saw it but that was in daylight. She never imagined the view would also be so wonderful by moonlight. She would have to get some sheer curtains to allow the view to be seen, or maybe she wouldn’t even bother with curtains on this window. She couldn’t imagine covering up the view.
To enter the condo complex you first entered the huge parking lot. From there you could view the full complex which half circled the parking lot, three floors of condos to each building with alternating stairways from the outside. To the back, a lavish garden and kept yard, all held together with a white fence. Before the earth dropped onto a rocky cliff; which met the crashing waves of the ocean. The back of every condo faced the ocean and must have had such a view, Julia imagined. She was lucky to find one available she had been told that it was a rare occasion that one went up for sale.
Her very own place and she loved it. She tilted her head back taking a quick glance over the room. Then she swiveled her chair around to face it. A huge smile appeared on her face as she lifted her mug to take a sip of her warm tea. She had dreamed of a similar place when she imagined herself moving on, living alone. She had never thought it would actually happen; for she believed that Abigail would be with her always. She knew Abigail would approve and love this place just as much.
It was like she had stood in this room before looking over the view. Julia had visions, sometimes they were of the future, sometimes the past, and sometimes she could never explain them. The past was in the past and she was ready to let it all go. She had taken the first step to welcoming her new life and she was starting to enjoy it. She accepted the path of moving forward with open arms. For so long she had, had a feeling of not belonging. Abigail had done her best but Julia never felt comfortable with the coven. She felt like she belonged some place else. Abigail had been a Witch elder and even though Julia didn’t completely understand she always listened and knew she would never lead her down the wrong path but now that was all over. She was welcoming this new life, away from everything she had ever known. She felt empowered, confident, independent and happy.
It didn’t take long for her eyes to become heavy and her head to tilt to the side. It had been a very long day and Julia was overwhelmed with tiredness all of a sudden. Probably because it was the first time she had actually sat down since her move in early that morning. She placed the mug on the floor and curled up into the chair. Dark curls fell from her loose ponytail, tickling her cheek. Julia was finally home and a safe feeling warmed her body as she let herself drift off to a long awaited sleep.
Something smelled funny and the stench tickled her nose. Julia opened her eyes to find herself on the ground of some outdoor shed. There was glass, dirt, pots, and plants, broken and scattered all over the floor. She rolled over just in time for a huge blob to come crashing down where her head had been. Taking fast, deep breaths she stumbled to her feet and placed her hand on table of broken glass.
She didn’t feel the glass pricking the hand. Wait, that’s not my hand, she thought, as she looked down at a bloody, masculine hand. She tried blinking her eyes but her body would not respond. She was focused on this blob that was approaching quickly. It was moving so fast she only got a glimpse of fur as it rushed by a stream of moonlight. Without effort or thinking she held up an axe as the thing flew in her direction, cutting the head off. There was a huge thud behind her and she turned to watch the head roll away from the body, spewing blood everywhere. Julia was stunned as she realized she was viewing this from within someone else. She was living their terror. This had happened in the past, only a few times but this was so clear….so close. “Are you ok?” a voice appeared. Julia’s vision turned to see a woman’s figure approaching her, as she touched the body Julia’s vision went black.
Julia’s eyes weren’t open but she was fully aware that she was still curled up in the chair she had fallen asleep in. She exhaled a deep breath and relaxed, letting the tension seep from her body. It was only a vision; Julia still didn’t understand why she viewed these visions. The only thing she did know was Abigail would always assure her not to worry about them. Julia didn’t give them much thought because they never made sense and deep down she was too scared to actually try to figure them out. She gave a thought to Abigail now and how she wasn’t with her anymore. Maybe it was time Julia faced her fears, nothing stood in her way now.
Her heart was pounding and it had felt so real. She didn’t have the energy to ponder on this vision and threw it up to complete exhaustion, maybe it had only been a dream. Maybe it was time to completely relax and go lay in her bed.
She opened her eyes and started to stretch her cramped muscles from being curled up in the chair but she stopped, she thought she had heard something. Julia held her breath and tuned into the noise, she heard breaking or was it crashing sounds. She stood, looking out the window but couldn’t see where it was coming from. She didn’t see anyone or anything below. She turned and walked into the kitchen to peer out that window. Looking down she saw the green house. She squinted, was that broken glass?
Her eyes became focused and even though there was only moonlight to light the night, she could clearly see two figures walking out of the green house, as bright as day. Julia had no problems with low light vision. Along with her exceptional hearing those were just a few of the senses Abigail had helped Julia become skilled in. There was a lot of suspiciousness when it came to Julia and the coven. Even though Abigail had taken Julia in, after a horrible accident and raised her as her own the other witches never truly excepted Julia.
Julia watched as the two figures carefully stepped over what looked like pieces of glass. She made out a figure of a man and one of a woman. The two figures had stopped and were deep in conversation. Before Julia realized it she was closing her door and heading towards the greenhouse. She wasn’t actually sure if the woman she saw resembled her vision or was from it. She went back and fourth arguing with herself why this wasn’t a good idea but something was drawing her and she felt an overwhelming urge, she had to meet the man.
She had always had visions and nightmares before but all went unanswered; she was never able to comprehend them. She always felt that her dreams and visions were more. The realization of having one answered drove her with uncontrollable desire. She stopped for a moment and realized under Abigail’s care she was always pushed away from her instincts. Abigail actually would steer her in the other direction. What should she do? She was overwhelmed with adrenaline and excitement. This felt right, this felt like an answer. She had nothing to do but go with her gut feeling.
She came to the bottom floor and slowly approached the corner, peering out into the yard. The greenhouse appeared in view, the moonlight illuminating the steel frame with glass everywhere but no sign of anyone. She scanned the area and heard a sound from behind her. It was a car door shutting in the parking lot.
Julia sprinted around the corner and down the path to the lot of parked cars. There was a man getting into a van, no one else around. Her heart was pounding uncontrollably and she was filled with suspense. It took a minute for the van to start and the lights to come on. As the van pulled from the spot she stepped into the lot and continued to walk towards a car the van was passing. She attempted to reach into her pocket for a set of keys. The whole time she was repeating What are you doing? This is crazy? as her heart pounded so fast she thought it would leap from her throat. As the van approached she felt this pull and looked up. Her eyes locked with the driver. The air was taken from her lungs and she gasp for a breath. Her chest ached and she grabbed it as she continued to stare until the van jerked right, squealing tires and breaking her trance. It had been headed for a light post and at the last minute it pulled away.
Damn. She had left her keys upstairs. She had thought of jumping into her car and following. What was I thinking? So she would follow who? And do what once they had stopped? Maybe ask, hey why were you in my vision? She rolled her eyes and tists under her breath. Maybe she was still dreaming or maybe she should go check out the greenhouse? Julia slowly walked back to the greenhouse. She had nothing to lose and only answers to find; that’s if she found anything.
She pondered over the driver. The minute their eyes met she was locked in his gaze. She was engulfed with random emotions. Handsome, mysterious, there was such a familiarity about him. She couldn’t place her finger on but her body had ached with recognition and she just had to find out why. Her mind was telling her to run the other way but something from within was drawing her to this mystery, towards this stranger.
Julia looked up into the night sky, took a deep breath and closed her eyes. It was such a beautiful night, perfect temperature and if you listened closely you could hear the waves washing up on shore. But what a night, what a day; Julia felt as if it might never end. She had started the day with a new beginning only to end it with the same anticipation, exhaustion, and bewilderment that she usually found herself in.
*
“Cole, what is the matter with you?” Sarah asked. Cole just kept his eyes on the road and wished she wouldn’t speak. He had no idea what happened but he knew she would keep at him until she got answers. “Honestly, Sarah I don’t know. I just want to get this thing back to the house.”
“It’s not going anywhere. It’s dead!” She replied.
“Let’s hope so,” he mumbled under his breath. She didn’t say another word. They turned and drove up the long drive way, pulled past the front doors and backed up to the side. An outside light went on and the side door slid open. A tall, slender man came walking out. Sarah jumped from the van and announced “Ben, we have a problem.”
“What happened?” the man asked as Cole opened the back doors of the van. As he saw the body he spoke, “Doesn’t look like a problem. Looks dead to me.” Ben looked at Sarah, while raising his eyebrows. “And looks like a good specimen.”
“No, I mean we have a problem with Cole.” She nodded in his direction. Ben looked at Cole questionably. Cole just rolled his eyes and yanked the body from the van. It was massive but with his vampire strength he could handle it. “Grab the head.” He commented as he walked into the opened doorway. Sarah grabbed the severed head and closed the van doors.
The three of them walked down the stairs into a medical lab. Cole laid the body on an empty lab table and took a step back. Leaning against a counter and folding his arms. “Something happened to Cole tonight.” Sarah placed the head next to the body and looked at Ben. “What?” he questioned.
“I’m fine.” Cole answered staring at the dead body. “I think this thing possessed
him.” Sarah leaned towards the body to take a closer look. “I would be careful with this one.” She looked at Ben with concerned eyes.
“This thing is dead. That’s all that matters.” Cole headed for the stairs that lead up into the house.
“We are supposed to be working together. How can I do that if you won’t be honest with me?” Sarah questioned. Cole just ignored her.
“What happened with that woman from the parking lot?” Sarah continued but Cole just turned and looked at her.
“Is that why we almost crashed?”
“Crashed?” Ben stared from Cole to Sarah. “Would someone tell me what’s going on?”
Cole just turned back and went up the stairs.
“I can’t take this. We are supposed to work with him for what? What can he do for us?” Sarah paced around the examining table. Ben looked at her, “Be realistic babe, would you or I for that matter have had the strength to take this thing out?”
“I’m going back there.” Sarah headed for the door.
“What? Why would you go back?” Ben looked up from the beast.
“I have this feeling; I just have to check it out.”
“I don’t always understand you but you do have good instincts so just be careful.” Ben looked back at the body on his table and started his examination.
Cole almost couldn’t control himself. Was it really ” her”? He had been so distracted and he almost lost his head to the werewolf which attacked him. He had felt her presence during the fight and couldn’t believe his eyes when he actually saw her in the parking lot. He had only glanced at her, when their eyes had locked and felt an over whelming warmth in his chest. He needed to find out if his mind was playing tricks or was someone playing with his mind? He stopped at the top of the stairs and heard Sarah say she was going back.
Sarah jumped into the van and screamed as she saw Cole sitting in the passenger seat.
“I know the Council has this plan but I don’t need to like it.”
Cole interrupted her, “What gave you the impression that I like it?”
“What I was going to say,” as she continued, “was that “we” don’t need to like it but we should try dealing with it because we do really need to work together. It would make things a lot easier if we could just get along!”
“Listen, I don’t like you and I know you don’t like me. That’s what I call dealing with it.” Cole answered as he looked out the passenger window. Sarah knew the conversation was over and she was fuming. She couldn’t stand this vampire which the council had forced her to work with.
They drove the rest of the way in silence but you could have cut the tension with a knife. Not completely seeing eye to eye. They only worked together to rid themselves of the same threat.
The Witches Council had sent Ben and Sarah out to locate Cole and deliver a message. Sarah was shocked to meet up with Cole a second time at the next council meeting, only to find out they needed to work together.
Cole wasn’t interested in their mission or a promise from the High Priestess until he was attacked. Gaining knowledge that he might be a target gave him reason to be civil with the Witches. They spent a while gathering information which Ben would review and report to the Council what they actually needed to be prepared for. So far all they knew was a scientist was dabbling in the gene pool of werewolves. With what and why was the question?
As Cole and Sarah pulled into the condo parking lot he turned, “How do you expect to find her?” As he said the words, he knew the woman was still around the grounds. He felt her presence. As Sarah parked the van and turned the ignition off, she closed her eyes in meditation. A few minutes later she opened them and looked at Cole. “Did you see what way she came from?”
“Nope,” he answered propping his elbow on the window ledge and leaning his head on his hand. “Good Luck”, he said sarcastically, knowing the witch had no tracking skills.
“You’re not coming?” Sarah opened the door and only got a raised eyebrow from Cole. Under her breath she cursed vampires and how they never made sense.
Cole decided to stay behind and do some investigating on his own. He opened himself up and felt the presence of the woman walking back to her condo on the third floor. Once Sarah was out of sight he left the van and went up to the woman’s apartment. He didn’t know what to expect and if it was really “her” what would he do? He had dreamt about “her” for years and some times felt like he had been so close to finding “her”, only to hit a brick wall.
He slowly approached the condo door, listening for any sounds from inside. He didn’t hear anything. Testing the door knob he was surprised to find it unlocked. He peeked in, then pushing the door wide open to see boxes and little if any furniture. A crashing sounded from down the hall towards the rooms, where he heard a woman’s voice, “Damn it!” It caused him to take a few steps in and closer to the noise. He stopped and looked around. That was odd? He wondered why he was able to cross the threshold.
While Cole pondered the situation he slipped back away from the hall and against the wall. She was coming back into the living room and he would soon find out. He didn’t get time to surprise her because she seemed to have known someone was waiting on the wall. She peered around the corner from the hall and even though she was cautious she still seemed shocked to find someone there. Cole thrust his arm into her neck and drove her into a wall. Holding her there he asked “Who are you?” as he looked into her face. He didn’t wait for an answer but let her go falling to the ground. That face! That Look! It was her! Those deep blue eyes penetrated him right to his core.
*
Julia felt someone in her apartment as she grabbed for the lamp but knocked it over instead. “Damn it!” if there was someone they would have heard that. She thought it was nothing but decided to check to make sure she locked the door any ways. As she approached the living room she felt a tingling sensation and knew someone was hiding against the wall but she peered over the corner anyway. Her eyes grew wide as she actually saw someone standing there but before she could move she was thrown into a wall being held by an arm on her neck. She grabbed the arm immediately as she looked into the attackers face. His face, it was from the van? It looked so familiar but not so much where she knew it from. As quickly as she was attacked she was let go to fall to the floor. She looked up towards him with one hand on her neck. “Who am I? You’re the one in my place! Get the hell out!” She stood using the wall for support.
Her mind once again was telling her to turn and run, it made her scared Her chest became warm and a fire spread thru her body giving it a tingling sensation. With that she felt a little empowered as if she couldn’t be harmed by this vampire. Yes, she knew right away that he was a vampire.
He stepped back into the shadows of the room but she knew he was staring at her. Her adrenaline had kicked in and her heart was pounding, or was that his? She knew her body was shaking with confrontation but she also was feeling him. His breaths were deep and slow, his heart was mimicking hers. She was unsettled at the presence he had. “Are you deaf? I said get the hell out!” She stood taking a step towards him, making fists in both her hands; hoping it would look a little threatening.
“What the hell were you doing spying on us?” he asked as he walked over to her chair, glancing out the window. “And I asked who the hell you were.” He said as he threw himself into her chair. It was her! What was she doing here? What did she want? He had dreamt of this moment for so long. The anger, the pain he would feel when he finally found her. But all he could think of was questions and his body did not fill with anger. There was a warming sensation pulling at his chest in her presence. He let out a sigh and relaxed his shoulders. She could not do anymore harm to him.
Julia was trying to figure out if she was still dreaming. “What kind of place is this? Strangers just break in, attack, you, take a seat and then ask for answers. If you know what’s best for you, you’ll leave now!” She tried to sound threatening but she knew her voice was shaking. She could defend herself but this was a surprising circumstance. What kind of psycho is this?
“Nice view.” Cole said as he turned to face the window. He felt her emotions and heart beating, it was nothing he had felt before. He didn’t know what she was up to but he was not going to let some Council send an assassin to kill him if that’s what she was here for; after so many years of questions he needed answers. He turned back to catch her arms as they lounged out for his neck. A jolt went through them both as there bodies touched.
As Cole pushed her back they both stood there staring at each other, waiting for a move. “Do I…” Julia paused as she took a few steps back, “Do I know you?” She was afraid of the answer. His back was towards the moonlight; which illuminated his silhouette. The moonlight seemed to dance around him and somewhere in Julia’s mind bells were ringing with alarm. She just stood there, paralyzed in his stare. Ice blue eyes flashing in her mind. This all felt so familiar, so frightful.
“Stop the bullshit. You know who I am?” He eyed her body language as he asked.
“Damn straight! Now get the hell out!” Even though she sounded furious he felt her uncertainty. She was questioning herself.
Cole found it odd that he was blocked from her mind but not her body. He felt her body tense with recognition and uncertainty all circling in confusion. She didn’t recognize him?
“Why was I able to walk in here; over the threshold?” He asked as he walked around.
“What? I don’t give a damn how you got in, just leave! She was starting to lose her temper. The flicker inside her gut was filling her insecurity with anger.
“You must be a vampire!” Cole smirked knowing she was not. He fingered some boxes and tried to ignore her stare. Years of anger flooded him but he could not place a finger on this warming sensation his body was having. Was she trying a spell on him?
“Get the hell out before I kill you!” Julia blurted out. That last comment had sent rage thru her veins. Smoke began to swirl around her tightened fists. He was a complete stranger and had no business in her home. Accusing her of being a devilish vampire was over the top.
Cole locked eyes with her and walked over, to a few feet in front of her. He wanted to be able to read her. He needed something, some kind of answers to a life long hell he lived in. “You really don’t know who I am?” He growled.
His icy eyes hypnotized her. Julia knew he was to close but couldn’t help this warm feeling he was sending her, a burning sensation. He was gorgeous in every way, Julia noted. His dark hair sat upon his shoulders, his eyes seeing right through her. His facial features were so seductively sexy and masculine. An image flashed so quickly she couldn’t recall it. A past memory she couldn’t hold onto.
She knew he had said the words but she only heard his voice in her head. “No” she whispered, nothing else would come out. This warm feeling flowed from him making her relax.
And you really don’t know who you are? He didn’t speak the words this time but she still heard the question in her mind. That was not the right question to ask. With that she jump out of this trance and glared at him. She still felt his power but was able to control herself.
“What the hell were you trying to do to me? Put me under some kind of spell? And I know exactly who the hell I am!” Julia was enraged.
Cole was shocked when he got a blast from her mind. She telepathically closed him out. He was frustrated he didn’t get to see what he was looking for. Yet, he couldn’t help but smirk. Her dark hair fell from her ponytail revealing layers of curls surrounding her face; and what a face. He was entranced the minute he had seen her so many years ago. He lost himself for a moment as he dreamed of reaching out and touching her warm, glowing skin. He felt her strength and knew she would be a challenge; though this was not the woman he thought of meeting. He envisioned a powerful gypsy, not a naive witch?
She was very good at blocking her mind but she wasn’t so fast. He had got a glimpse of her nieve version of herself and the repeating question of whom he was. Could this be the same woman? She had to know more then what she was telling him. Even though her mind was closed, his body still ached being near her. He was overwhelmed with feelings. Feelings he had mastered to control after so many years and now he had lost it all over again.
“So, you just moved in?” He once again started flipping thru the boxes. He knew she was angry but she wouldn’t hurt him, she couldn’t. “Spells? And what kind of spells have you been doing?” He mocked her.
“Is this a never ending nightmare? What do I have to do to get you to leave?” Julia was without comprehension, at the fact she felt like she was in the twilight zone. One minute this lunatic was attacking her and now he was asking her questions! All she wanted to do was rip his head off and get back to ending this night but she knew deep down she wouldn’t be able to hurt him. There was something that warned her he was off limits. Her mind was telling her one thing but her body was saying something else.
“Listen, I just moved into the neighborhood too and I’m looking for some friends.” Before he could finish the sentence she stated “I’ll believe that when hell freezes over!”
“Who says it hasn’t? Well, believe what you want. I think I’ll be visiting you often. Well, that’s until you can tell me the truth and what your purpose is.” He started towards the door.
“What truth? I’m not telling you anything!” She just stood there. Some how she felt relaxed but his accusations were pulling at her. Before she realized it she was speaking, “What purpose? I told you I just moved in and you’re the one that broke into my place, attacked me and asking questions.”
Well you have a disturbed past. Let’s say I have a long, disturbed past and I don’t think it’s accidental that we run into each other now; with everything that has been going on. He looked at her without saying a word. He had spoke to her mind and she had heard every word. He knew she was something other then human but she wasn’t a vampire. His body was sending him a tornado of emotions he couldn’t understand and he didn’t trust his own instincts. For years he had wanted to kill the person responsible for his curse, and now, with “her” just a few feet away; he was filled with nothing but puzzlement. Over “her” and his body reacting the way it was. His chest was burning with a warmth that made him feel alive! His skin tingled, aching to touch her. He had to leave before he couldn’t control himself.
Julia blinked to acknowledge what he had just said when he vanished. She scanned the room but her senses told her she was alone. She suddenly felt cold and empty. Ok, hopefully this was just all a bad dream. From the move and excitement of a new place, it must have exhausted her more then she realized. She slowly walked towards the hall when she realized her door was wide open. She must have not shut it right. She convinced herself before oozing up on the mattress on the floor in her bedroom. It was almost dawn and she just wanted to put this night behind her.
**
Cole got into the van right in time. Sarah was entering the parking lot and heading towards him. As she climbed in she mumbled, “Thanks for your help.” He started the van and hurried home. “It’s almost dawn.” He answered her question before she spoke it, her mind was so easily read. “Well, I found nothing to help us.” Sarah stared out the window wondering if she had only found anything, she could have scribed for something. She thought maybe the Council would know more and it wouldn’t be a problem. That would calm her anxiety until she had a chance to ask them. If the Council informed her that this was all new news to them she was afraid this would turn into a major problem.
“Stop your worrying. You’ll give yourself a wart,” Cole chuckled. Sarah glared at him. “Has anyone told you vampire humor is not funny! What do you know something I don’t? She tried to read him but it was useless, he was to powerful for her.
Cole did know something and the fact that Sarah didn’t, gave him a glimpse of hope. If she didn’t know about the woman then it was possible she wasn’t working with the Council. That would mean there was a slight chance “she” wasn’t who he thought she was, but how could he mistake her eyes, her smell. Cole shook his head, what was he thinking? He had to stop his body from reacting like this. He distracted himself by thinking of the torment he had lived, his fists tightened on the steering wheel as the anger grew within him.
He raked his brain to think of the woman’s name but he couldn’t recall it. He had looked for her over a century and never found any evidence she existed. He had convinced himself that this woman’s image was part of the gypsy’s spell that had changed him so many years ago. But he had come face to face with her, she was no dream. If she who he thought she was he could only imagine that the Priestess had brought her here. Maybe the High Priestess would follow up on that promise after all.
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MaxPower1272 reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100% of the Item
Not bad start, to draw us back to the past I would try writing some “revenge of the 90s” (2000 / late 90s) type memorabilia into the piece to solidify the era.
The writing is good, dialogue okay. Would like a little more dialogue though.
As far as publishing goes the whole vampire/werewolf/witch thing is getting pretty outplayed, i would really try to work in some origonal elements / ratifications to the genre if your serious about publishing.
Not bad read, keep at it, good luck!
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SwordMistress reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
Good beginning, it starts right in the middle of the action. I think you have a solid plot so far, and this has a lot of promise. There are a few issues that if you cleared them up this would be much more suspenseful and exciting. See below.
“Julia un-wrapped the bubble wrap and placed the last mug in the kitchen” using wrapped and wrap in the same sentence is awkward. I would suggest, ‘Julie discarded the bubble wrap and placed the last mug…” You mention unpacking in the next sentence so it will be very clear.
“window that viewed out” looked out
“She grabbed the chair and pulled it closer to the window. Sat down and snuggled deep into it.” ‘She pulled the chair closer to the window, sat down and snuggled deep into it.’
“She grabbed the mug and cupped her hands over the warmed of it and stared out upon the view.” ‘She cupped her hands over the warmth of the much and stared out at the view.’ Either way, it should be ‘warmth’ and ‘upon’ should be ‘at.’
“It was a gorgeous view.” ‘The view was gorgeous.’ Try to avoid using words like ‘it’ when possible.
“The stars were shining bright and the moon” You just said that it took all night for her to unpack the kitchen. How could the stars and moon be out.
You’ve used the word view at least nine times just in the first page, it makes for awkward reading.
“To enter the condo complex you” When possible try not to start sentences with the word ‘To.’ Also try not to use ‘you.’ It pulls the reader out of the story and draws attention to the author.
“all held together with a white fence.” The fence is not holding the condo and yard together. Maybe ‘all enclosed or surrounded by a white fence.”
“Before the earth dropped onto a rocky cliff; which met the crashing waves of the ocean.” Sentence fragment.
“The back of every condo faced the ocean and must have had such a view, Julia imagined.” ‘The back of each condo faced the ocean. Julia imagined each on must have a great view.’
“available she” available. She
“She was welcoming this new life,” You already said she was welcoming his new life.
“huge blob” blob of what? Be specific.
“Taking fast, deep breaths” this would by hyperventilation.
“on table of broken glass.” I’m not sure what you mean by this. The table is made of glass and broken or the table is full of broken glass.
“why she viewed” why she had
“Her heart was pounding” Do you mean ‘had been pounding?’ I shouldn’t still be pounding. You already said that she let all the tension go. She should be relaxed.
“moonlight to light” awkward
“she saw resembled her vision or was from it.” ‘was from the vision or just resembled her.
“visions were more.” More than what.
“The realization of” Maybe ‘chance’ would be a better word here. She can’t really be sure yet that what she finds at the greenhouse will match her vision.
“appeared in view,” it ‘came’ into view. It was already there.
“she was filled with suspense.” When you tell us this it loses its impact. Show us, how does it effect her physically, describe that.
“What was I” she
“tists under her breath.” Did what?
Check though out the piece you use a lot of repetitive words and phrases close together. Most of the time it’s awkward. Read the sentences aloud to determine which ones should be changed.
“came walking out.” Just say ‘came out.’ Unless you tell us something else we will assume he’s walking.
“the body he” we need a description of the body so we can picture.
“Cole almost couldn’t control himself.” This is a really big point of view jump with out warning. It’s very jarring. You need to put in a line space and/or asterisks to alert the reader.
“any ways.” anyway
“Yes, she knew right away that he was a vampire.” This is obviously the author’s voice and pulls us right out of the story.
“It was her!” Point of view shift.
“The anger, the pain he would feel when he finally found her.” Why would finding her bring anger and pain. He just had dreams about her, it doesn’t make any sense.
“She could not do anymore harm to him.” When did she do any harm to him? She’s never met him.
“Julia was trying to figure” pov shift
“He felt her emotions and heart beating,” You are flip flopping points of view about every few lines. It throws the reader right out of the story. Check though out the piece. There is a lot of head hopping. Stick with one point of view unless it’s necessary for the plot to switch then always alert the reader.
“an assassin to kill him” Why would he think she’s an assassin?
“they lounged out for” they lunged for
“His dark hair sat upon his shoulders,” Doesn’t he have hair on his head?
“she jump” jumped
“not a naive witch?” witch.
“to kill the person responsible for his curse,” how could she possibly be responsible for his curse. We need a little more information. It’s a great idea to keeper things from the reader, but we need some clues to keep going.
“she could have scribed for something.” I don’t know what you mean by this.
“What do you” Either, ‘What?’ do you know something…’ or ‘do you know something…’
“If she who” If she was who
One thing that is missing here that wasn’t clear is why they were at the greenhouse. Were they tracking the werewolf?
Great ending. Leaves the reader wanting to know more.
Kimbers reviewed Version 1 -
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Hmmmmm, an interesting start.
Your opening is beautiful with the description of the view and the condo. You’ve introduced one of your characters, with name and appearance early one so the reader can begin to visualiese her. Thoughts and feelings bombard the reader, not only with her opinion of her new home but also with tid bits of her past. No doubt further details will come to light later in the piece.
The vision tie in was interesting. That link that one person can have with another is a good way to begin building the relationship even if the characters don’t know it.
The part of a council, coven, etc provides a basis for these characters to work from. Perhaps more information on the origins of this establishment and how a vampire got tied in with them would be useful.
The fact that they obtained a werewolf ‘specimen’ got me thinking in the direction of the biological science that would be deemed in this piece. Why do they need it in the first place? What is the purpose of hunting a werewolf? Is it for genetic knowledge? Are werewolves causing a problem in supernatural circles? Perhaps expand upon this.
The way you introduce the character to each other in the condo did get a little confusing at times. Initially I thought that Cole had no knowledge of who this girl is yet later it sounds as though he has almost intimate knowledge of her. It was just a little confusing.
Sometimes the dialogue threw me a bit, I had to re-read some of the sentences to make sure the person speaking was who I thought it was.
On the whole a well structured beginning and something to keep up with in the future.
DragonQueen reviewed Version 1 -
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Julia un-wrapped the bubble wrap and placed the last mug in the kitchen cabinet as the tea kettle whistled. She had finally unpacked every box which read kitchen in black marker.
good but no grab. There is nothing here to pull me into the story.
It had been a very long day and Julia was overwhelmed with tiredness all of a sudden.
Try to avoid frazes like all of a sudden
“What? I don’t give a damn how you got in, just leave! She was starting to lose her temper.
A quotation mark sould be placed after leave.
She telepathically closed him out.
How did she telepathically close him out? Be more detailed
Those deep blue eyes penetrated him right to his core.
Try writing like this more often.
I don’t mean to be meen but… it was dull. You have potential for a great story, but your writing could use a litlle work.
1) Avoid was, is, as, were, because, then, suddenly, as often as you can. They aren’t good for a story.
2) Try to be more descriptive, she stood, well how did she stand? Tell us more. Let us see the story take place.
3) Get a thesaures, poket if possible. It will help you alot in being more descriptive and makeing your writing intresting.
It isn’t your story, but they way you write it. Exband, be more desrciptive in everything so yoru reader can see it.
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