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Sci Fi & Fantasy / Rough Draft (Introductory - Soul Mate)
The Year: 1900
He saw her exit the shop. How convenient, a lonely lady who could use his company. My first victim of many for tonight. A sly smile crawled over his face. A perfect beginning to start with. She was young and beautiful. He would have no problems swaying this young creature for his need. He stepped out of the shadows and appeared next to her. “With such a dark night my lady should be chaperoned.” He tilted his head up revealing his face from the brim of his top hat. He looked over her soft skin and took in a deep whiff. The smell of her innocence was delicious. He locked eyes with her and she was hooked.
“Of course, Thank You.” is all she could utter. He chuckled to himself, this was going to be almost to easy but very rewarding. He let his compulsion run over her, she was in his control now.
He felt her admiring him. He must keep her walking. Just a few more feet until they would be out of sight. “So what is a beautiful lady doing walking alone, at night no less?” His voice was soft, drawing her in. They were within the shadows now. She looked up at him. It was time. He took her by the arm, pulled her into a narrow alley and forced her up against a wall. He pulled her arm up over her head and couldn’t help but smile. What a rush. He loved the power that crept into his veins as he took control of his victims.
“I could smell you in the store; so sweet and luring,” he whispered. He leaned in and sniffed her neck. Delicious!
“Please” she whimpered.
“Please? Please what?” He mocked as he licked her neck “Please, do what you want with me.” He couldn’t help but laugh as he mocked her. She started to tremble, which only made him more intoxicated with power. “You’re trembling. Plus I can smell the fear on you. You don’t know how exciting you are making me.”
He made her look into his face with a finger on her chin. How easy she was making this. She was weak and had no power over his compulsion.
“Open your eyes! I want to look into them,” he paused. She resisted for a mere moment before he made her open them. “And see your fear.”
He felt his canines elongate and watched as the terror spread over her face. It only empowered him more; to know he had all the control. He felt her scream within but he did not allow any sound to escape.
A tear formed and ran down her cheek. He smirked and licked it with his tongue. Sweat and salty, mm. He let her close her eyes and forced her face to turn exposing her neck with it’s quickened pulse. He wanted it now and took it. He pierced her artery with his canines and began to drink. She was as sweet as he imagined. He didn’t plan on sucking her dry but she was to good to let go. He felt the blood fill his mouth and slide down his throat, filling all his veins. It was all intoxicating, he would not let her go until he sucked every last drop.
He felt the body he held go limp and he knew the end was coming. The last drop would through him over the edge, the anticipation grew for he knew it would be ecstasy. But in stead he stumbled back, teeth still engaged, tightening his grip of the body. With the jolt she moved, he caught himself. The last drop never came and the blood stopped flowing. His chest burned and he tried to let go of the body but he was paralyzed. The burning sensation started in his chest but began to move threw his veins, increasing in power, until it reached his canines.
The pain was excruciating, he had never felt this with a feeding. He heaved over in pain, spilling out into the street while holding his victim over his knee. His gut was in knots, his veins were on fire. But something drew him to look up, into the shadows. There he saw a gypsy grasping her mouth in horror. She was clutching a potion bag covered in witting.
His vision went red. He didn’t have the strength to fight what was growing within him. He could only wait until the intensifying fire exploded. Releasing him from his victim’s body. Leaving him on the brink of death and his victim as life less as death itself. He crawled away from the body and slunk back into the shadows.
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FrakKevin reviewed Version 3 -
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Once I saw it was three pages..I figured the ending would be odd. I was expecting the girl to turn out to be some kind of “vampire slayer”, but I was close. Him sucking her blood didnt turn out that to be that good. Did it grab my attention…overall it did. Because it was pretty much similar to all vampire stories until the very end. The ending is what really saved it and made it worth the read. I will read another part just to see what’s going on.
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slam710711 reviewed Version 3 -
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Good.
I know other people will pull you up over your English, with style and prose, but I feel the spirit of the piece is more important. I liked the story and where it was going, with an obvious twist. I thought the girl would turn on him, but I’m intrigued by the presents of the gypsy.
What does she want from him? And what will she do? Has he wronged her in the past?
These are the things which ran through my mind as I got into it. Also setting it in the past was a good move, as I thought it was going to be more: “Jack the ripper!” But the atmosphere was well set as you felt you really were going down that alley in the dark.
On the whole, Vampire works are very over-done, so if you are going down that road, I suggest a real twist to go off on another tangent and try for something truly original.
All in all, very good work, look forward to hearing more. Steve.
misskara reviewed Version 2 -
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i know you wrote that this is a rough draft – but it still needs much much work. you are writing in the third person “he”, then first person “my”, in the third sentence. you continue to do this throughout, so you should choose one, or use quotes or italics when speaking from his point of view. you are ending sentences with prepositions “perfect beginning to start with”, which is also completely redundant, considering one usually starts at the beginning. you are capitalizing words that shouldn’t be – “Thank You”, and have spelling errors such as “almost to easy” which should be “too”, and this error occurs again in the piece.
this sentence has many errors – suggestion = “Open your eyes! I want to look into them,” he demanded, then paused to enjoy her resistance, “to see your fear.”
other errors need to be fixed as well – such as
- The last drop would “through” him over the edge
- But “in stead: he stumbled back
- move “threw” his veins
- covered in “witting” – you are using the word incorrectly, or it is a typo
- and his victim as “life less” as death itself – really can’t get much more lifeless than death.
needs work, and spellcheck.
davet reviewed Version 2 -
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He saw her exit the shop. How convenient, a lonely lady who could use his company. My first victim of many for tonight
He suddenly becomes My.
swaying this young creature for his need
This doesn’t really mean anything.
“Of course, Thank You.” is all she could utter
Tenses – it was “was” now it’s “is”
You also seem fixated on the word “canines”, maybe a few other words would help. Teeth, fangs… whatever.
She was clutching a potion bag covered in witting
What’s a potion bag? How do you recognise one. I assume witting is writing?
There is a lot of stuff like this, which you may consider nit-picky, but which really does get in the reader’s way.
The good thing is that you did deliver on the promise – by which I mean the vampire was claerly being set up for a big fall – and it happened. I would like to find out just waht happened, so the hook in the plot worked, you just need to make the writing smoother.
Which, for the author is the boring bit – but it’s essential. If it’s not done then the reader will simply give up and go somewhere else. Write, then read it and re-read it and re-write it till it’s polished.
Kimbers reviewed Version 2 -
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Whoa whoa!! If that’s just the opening then what’s coming next has gotta be good.
You’ve gone the obvious road with a vampire story but your setting is beatifully molded back to the time when vampires were truly fascinating to the public. The ‘origins’ if you will of the spark of vampire interest in the western world.
A salute to the victorian fascination with things unnatural, and also very different from what we are finding more and more of today. Yes,the vampire tales out there are for the modern vampire and are well done, but for you to take us back to those times of the dark back alleys and gentlemen being gentlemen then it’s going to be a great read.
You’ve dropped the reader right smack bang into the mind of the vampire. His careful selection of victim and then his timely wait for her in the shadows. Through the initial description, the ‘Jack the Ripper’ stories came to mind, thanks to the setting.
One thing I would like to see is more description of the world around him and also of the people and attire of the era. I couldn’t really see the street or the town/city where he is. Consequently, where is this? Is it a place we know or have you made an entirely new world that parallels this one?
The gypsy sounds like she’s going to be an interesting figure. Many vampire myths are held by these people and form a powerful basis in their history. It would be interesting to see how this will play in the piece. Gypsy magic.
I loved the opening but as I said more description can really expand this to the reader and set them in the story. I want to feel the street under my feet, smell the air of the evening. Be there at the moment of the strike.
Keep going I’m going to want to read more.
DragonQueen reviewed Version 1 -
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Wow! i liked it and you definately had me going. Go job writing this.
A couple mistakes i noticed, but besides that, perfect.
His vision went red. He didn’t have the strength to fight what was growing within him. He could only wait until the intensifying fire exploded. Releasing him from his victim’s body. Leaving him on the brink of death and his victim as life less as death itself. He crawled away from the body and slunk back into the shadows.
His vision went red. He didn’t have the strength to fight what was growing within him. He could only wait until the intensifying fire exploded, releasing him from his victim’s body. Leaving him on the brink of death and his victim as life less as death itself. He crawled away from the body and slunk back into the shadows.
life less
One word
fire exploded. Releasing him from his victim’s body.
Change to this: fire exploded, releasing him from his victim’s body.
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