Young Adult / Me, On Growing Up - chapter II

Chapter Two – Black Hole Era
As all or most children I had a pretty average time at school filled with laughter, tears before breakfast and most importantly the ever dreaded word embarrassment which I had my fair share of I can tell you, some of which were caused by Jonnie of course but I am sorry to say that I am not totally blameless in that department either.

I used to call it the ‘Black Hole Era’ you know that feeling when you want the ground to swallow you whole or more effectively and not so dirty the click your finger and disappear thing like Sabrina the Teenage Witch, A show which I could watch day in day out and never get bored. We all know that the disappearing is not physically possible but I still kept believing and on this faithful, unforgettable day I really wish it was possible, believe me, it was about 9:30am and my class mates were busy getting ready for our performance which we had been preparing for, for weeks. The day finally came, the day we’d been waiting for ‘Hell what I am talking about I didn’t care about anyone else it was my turn to shine.

         Maybe there was something in the air or I was getting my just deserts for being so selfish, I was just psyching myself to do my thing then it happened, something that I would never forget I was on the stage introducing my class performance Just as I was going down the steps to exit the stage for the performance to begin, I lost my balance and I blacked out, the next thing I remember is the teachers around me saying “Casey, Casey can you hear me Casey” and then uproars of laughter then I suddenly remembered where I was and quickly sat up as if I was standing to attention in drill line up in the Army. As I lifted my head to look around, who do I, see none other than Julius Johnson the love of my life that I believe is destined to be someone in the public eye, something like a male model he looked that good. He never even noticed me before, well not at least until today; and look at me ‘I’m a mess and to make it worse my skirts ripped, I look up at Julius again Who is now doubled over in pain through laughing so much. That’s it I’m doomed, doomed forever he will never like me now I’m such a geek.

That is the day I decided that acting was just not for me, too many people around to see you fail or should I say waiting for you too.

For the next 10 minutes I sat there trying to think of a good excuse to go home early as the disappearing act was obviously not going to work, and then it comes to me it’s genius, yet so simple, my plan is to play sick; well I did bang my head and pass out, so why not play on it so that’s exactly what I did and it actually worked. Miss Bruce my form Tutor took me to the office to call my mum to pick me up.

When I got home I went straight to my room and threw myself on my bed. I was so distressed, I felt like my life was over I mean how do you get over that kind of embarrassment without going mad; maybe I will even start forgetting things like Grandma Anna-Mae I thought to myself; well if that’s going to happen I better start writing things that happen down or they will be gone from my memory forever.

With that I headed in the direction of my wardrobe opened it only to find clothes that I had thrown in there the night before because I didn’t fancy putting them away as that would have meant me missing some of my favourite TV programme. After moving the pile of clothes I noticed myself designed storage box ‘well I everything I had have to have the Casey makeover’. This box where I kept presents that I had not found a use for yet and there it was just where I left it my Diary, I got it as a present from my mum last Christmas and never knew what I was going to do with it and now I do.

I don’t know, maybe it was my age creeping up on me; I mean I was 12yrs old now almost grown up ok, I did have the tendency to go a bit over the top, alright then I am nearly a teenager, well that’s what I would tell my Mum and Dad anyway but did they believe me? Nope. It was a conspiracy really. Well from that day on I began writing in my Diary about my daily mishaps and events of the day because I was way too embarrassed to even begin to tell my mum the full details of my day. Although I think she already knew; I am sure Miss Bruce told her because I heard her laughing when she was talking to my dad on the phone but I was not about to confirm that story.

Weeks went by slowly and painfully at first my days were filled by the constant teasing, from people at school and from Julius as well alright maybe he didn’t but his friends did so that was just as bad. Even Emily had a few digs at me which started to aggravate me one morning at school she came up to me with big mischievous look on her face “Hey Casey where’s my postcard” she says. “What are you talking about” I say with a puzzled look etched on mine. “Well I thought we were friends” she says trying lay on the big guilt trip. “We are, why what’s wrong,” I say now getting quite concerned thinking I had done something wrong.

I quickly scan through my memory to make sure there nothing I could have done or not done to upset her “Well” she says, “well what” I say now getting quite annoyed as I am now certain that I am blame and guilt free for the moment and that she was not telling me what is going on, now sensing that it was really bugging me, she quickly says “my postcard, how can you go on a trip without sending me one” and she bursts into a fit of laughter. she try’s say sorry but it’s so muffled through all that laughing that she’s doing so I ignore her and head for the playground with Emily trailing behind me who has now managed to contain herself and is now shouting “I’m sorry I won’t laugh or tease you about it again I promise.

As usual I forgave her but for the rest of the week and for some of the following week it was the same routine then one day it got to me so much when we were on our lunch break that when it came to her saying sorry again I totally didn’t listen and instead of forgiving her like always I shouted “No, No, No I’ve had enough of you teasing and laughing at me and it stops now, you better go find yourself a new friend coz you aren’t my friend anymore and with that I walked feeling proud of myself saying “Yeah, yeah that showed her I bet she won’t do that again in a hurry.” even back then I had a way with words. I felt like I just finished a scene from a show in the theatre and I was just waiting for the crowd to applaud me on my performance.

I thought I would give her a few days over the weekend to stew and feel bad then make up with her, well that was the plan anyway and it was great so I thought until my plan backfired on me. I couldn’t of picked a worst time, as I left myself friendless for the first weekend ever; looks like I was in for a fun weekend, I wonder what mums doing maybe I can spend some time with her as she always saying that she hardly sees me for more than five minutes these days so at least she will be happy and maybe she’ll be able to help me with my dilemma.

Dear Diary,

Today was not too bad really I suppose my mum could sense that I was not my usual self though I tried to pretend that everything was fine but to be honest even a blind person would be able to tell because I can’t remember the last time I spent the Saturday with my mum. I am usually running round with Emily looking in the shops planning what our mums were going to buy us man we were presumptuous but neither of us cared. The reality of that was it hardly ever materialised but there is nothing wrong with wishing as I like to say ‘Keep hope alive’. I can’t believe I broke up with my best friend and for such a petty reason she was only joking around but then again she did know that I didn’t like her teasing me about it but she still carried on so maybe I was right to do what I did. Maybe my mum was right saying it will blow over and you will be talking before you know it I really hopes she right. I said few mean things to her but I was only trying to prove a point. We will just have to wait and see as they say ‘Watch this space.  

Night Cross your fingers for me

The following week Emily went and did exactly what I told her to, found a new friend and I was the one that was left on my own to feel bad, because she and I were no longer friends which was all my fault and that’s why she had replaced me and so quickly without a second thought.

Dear Diary, (Monday)

It’s me again had a really bad day at school saw Emily in the morning wanted to say hi to her but all I could manage was a half hearted smile which was not returned instead she just walked straight past me without even a momentary glance. I felt so small and insignificant but tried to brush it off, though try as I may the feeling still remained etched in the back of my brain. I secretly hoped that she was putting on the hard act and wanted to be my friend again. I need to think positive; I mean it couldn’t possibly get any worse could it; that it happened.

As I went off to class where Miss Bruce already started form room  registration she looked up at me with a look to say that she noted that I was late so I quickly responded by saying
“Sorry I’m late Miss” and quickly sat down at my desk so I could stop drawing attention to myself, but that clearly didn’t happen because as I pulled out my chair to sit down, my chair made an awful screeching noise resulting in everyone turning round to look at me then came an up raw of laughter followed by someone shouting “Err I think Casey had too much beans last night”. Miss Bruce saved me though by telling them to be quiet which made me feel a little bit better. Miss Bruce is quite a nice teacher, well nice enough anyway; anyway must get ready for bed it’s getting a bit late, if mum finds me she won’t be very happy.

Night same time tomorrow…

So I put away my diary in my secret hiding place and drifted off to the land of dreams where everything seems just that little bit better.

Over the next few days I bravely tried to convince myself that I should move on and find a new friend as well but every time I tried I just kept comparing them to Emily. The truth was that no one could replace Emily after all she was and still is my best friend and if that Jenny thinks that she’s going to take my friend away she’s got another thing coming because she will have a fight on her hands. That was when I decided to plot the rescue of the fair Princess (Best Friend) Emily from the evil clutches of the Wicked Witch Jenny her new found friend.

I decided that if I really want her back as my friend I going to have a plan a fool proof one but the only problem is I don’t have the faintest idea what to do. The only thing I can think of is to do what I told Emily to do which is find a new friend but that is going to be a lot harder that I thought because most of the girls all hang round in groups already most of them I don’t like or they don’t like me for some unknown reason and the other are just too quiet and don’t really socialise that much it is pretty much just school and home for them. After a pessimistic moment I figure it won’t hurt to try I mean what’s the worst that can happen?

After carrying out a mental survey of possible candidates for my new friend, I managed to narrow my search down to three people who were Julia Bradford in my science class, Rachel Jones and Zoe Henshaw. Now I had decided on the three girls which was difficult enough and I still had to make further decisions. There was the other hard task of getting them to talk to me and eventually like me. I mean I never actually spoken to them that much apart from the occasional hello in class if our eyes happened to meet and now I am planning to make one of them my new friend. I must be bonkers to be doing this but I suppose I am doing it for the greater good; mine.

My journey starts here just don’t know which direction to head in; ok let me just flip a coin, ok this is silly why is it so hard to choose who to talk to first; why cant I ever decide on anything getting a little annoyed at myself. Man when I was still friends with Emily at least she could help me make a decision but as it’s just me I have to do it all on my own. Not wanting to waste any more time I decide to go with Julia Bradford as we were in the next lesson together. I wonder how she will fair.

The weeks nearly over; man and I haven’t even attempted to talk to Julia yet; I don’t know what I’m waiting for, it’s time to bite the bullet.

Mr Skipton our science teacher had just given us an experiment to carry out in pairs which gives me just the opening that I need so I don’t hesitate no turning back I think to myself as I head over to the table where Julia is sitting who is looking at me right now like she doesn’t know whether to smile or look away fearing I could be going somewhere else although it is very obvious which direction I am heading as she I sitting in the corner of the room but I suppose you can never be too careful (there’s me trying to read her mind). I still try to be optimistic and say to myself she may actually turnout to be really nice and maybe we can even go to lunch together after all Lunch is next period. Here goes nothing.

When I get to the desk where she is sitting and I ask her if I can be her lab partner she looks a bit apprehensive at first while she waits for someone from behind to shout syke’ leaving her to look like the laughing stock.

When she sees that my gesture is sort of genuine she decides to find what the sudden interest in her was in aid of all of a sudden. Julia looked at me quizzically which fazes me slightly though I hide it well; so I think anyway. I notice there is too much silence between the two of us and decide I have to think fast.
“I only wanted to come over because I have noticed in the past that your quite good at science and maybe we would be a good team so what do you think” I say trying to sound as friendly as possible without sounding to creepy. “Casey” she says as she shifts her weight onto her right hip and then continues “I hope you don’t think you’re going to cheat or try and copy my work because and if that’s what you wanted you better go somewhere else because it ain’t gonna happen! At this moment you cut the tension between us with a knife.

I was knocked aback by her response so much so that I am shocked into silence the cat literally got my tongue for a moment I quickly snap out of it to respond. “Look Julia you’ve obviously decided you don’t want to do the experiment with me no need to be arsey with me; and FYI I do my own work I don’t need or want to copy from anyone least of all you Julia you can stick you partnership”. With that I turned around to look for another partner feeling like the cat that got the cream only to look round the science lab to find to my dismay that everyone had already paired off. Which just left Julia and me without partners? Before we got the chance to bargain with our other classmates to swap partners, Mr Skipton says in an authoritarian tone “Julia, Casey come on now settle down, you may as well work together as everyone has a partner already”. With a huge sigh we reluctantly took our seats.

“Right now class say hello to your new science partners/lab partners for this term”. As if we were being pulled together like magnets we both looked at each other with such dislike blaming each other for what happened and knowing that we were stuck with each other for the rest of the term. Whether we liked it or not we had to find a way to work together or risk failing or receiving a lower grade in science and knowing this was my least favourite subject not to mention most difficult I couldn’t risk it.

        With all that happened in lesson today all I can say is roll on lunch time. I felt I was being held in captivity with no sign of my release date; yeah I know amateur dramatics is my specialty. Today I did have just cause to be a little dramatic I mean I went into the lesson feeling a little lonely without my best friend to being dismissed from third period, not only to find that I was not able to establish a new friendship but I managed to make a new arch enemy, and to top it I have to work with her for of the term and the term has barely even started yet. What’s the worst that can happen; what’s the worst that can happen? I really don’t want to know, today is getting worst by the minute. Although on the upside they say bad luck does come in three’s and I have definitely received my full quota for the time being, good is bound to be coming round my way soon I hope.

I head of to lunch on my own as I decide to retire my brave hat for the moment not wanting to feel yet another the sting of rejection twice in one day, one can only take so much. I am glad I brought my book in today otherwise I would have been board out of my mind, what is it they always say always have a backup plan. I decide to go and eat outside to try to avoid seeing Emily with her new friend when I still had no one; someone needs to play me a sad song right now to suit my sombre mood. Time to take myself away from all this so I pick up my book and begin reading during the time that I am reading I totally forgot all the problems I am having. I’ve turned in to such an avid reader these days ever since the split from Emily; I suppose it is the only thing I have to keep me company these days.

Dear Diary

Today was not great the first candidate has officially been scrubbed of my list I thought she was just shy why she was mostly on her own now I find out that she’s an evil little minx that quite frankly likes no one. I mean all I tried to do was strike up a harmless conversation that could have lead on to a friendship there was no real hidden agenda I just wanted a friend; ok maybe I needed someone to make Emily jealous but I would still be there friend, in the end anyway. All I have to say before I bid you a dew is one down two to go.

Please don’t let it get any worse please.

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A new day a new beginning I try to start today as positive as possible and try to put yesterday behind me, something my mum says comes to mind in fact I think she said last week or the week before when she was trying to reassure me that Emily and I will be friends again in no time she said “Casey remember this honey that Today is yesterday’s tomorrow, so when you have a bad day know that it will eventually blow over”. I immediately smile with that thought in mind and head off to the bathroom.

“Oh dad I need to go in the bathroom otherwise I will be late for school” I say as I knock on the bathroom feeling frustrated that he beat me to the bathroom again is just not fair I think I would have to sleep in the bathroom to get in there before him in the mornings.

Dad was in a quite kind hearted mood this morning not long after my complaining did he exit the bathroom I didn’t even have to call for mum which was rather unusual. Mum heard the earlier commotion and got slightly suspicious at the quietness what is it they say the quiet before the storm that she did a quick sweep of the rooms to make sure everyone was still alive most importantly to check I hadn’t gone back to bed because I had a tendency for doing that; well dad did take ages in the bathroom. Mum said it was an excuse because I loved my bed too much, but who doesn’t.

When she saw I was not in my room she walked across the upstairs landing passing the stairs to the lower part of the house before she came level with the bathroom door. “Casey are you alright in there” “Yes mum I am fine” “Aren’t you lucky then today your dad let you off easy today, maybe next time you should try getting up that little bit to get in the bathroom more easily as I keep telling you, because you know you’re not always going to be this lucky”. Mum says “Okay mum will try” I say trying to sound convincing even though I really wanted to say was whatever mum but knowing that the repercussion of that comment would most probably leave me in tears which is surely not something I would like to experience especially for something so trivial. ”Ummm; she pauses ok Cas, I believe you but thousands wouldn’t” she turns aroundand heads back down the landing and down the stairs to the kitchen where she had left Corey eating his breakfast in his high chair.

Then the next thing I heard her say is “Oh Corey” oh dear I think he did what I thought he would which is get his breakfast everywhere I would just hate to see the mess he has made. See that was the problem Corey was the cutest,  the most adorable baby you could ever meet, his eyes were so big and bright and they sort of sparkled and he had the cutest little dimples when he smiled especially when he had done something naughty like today.

When I get to school I am given a reminder that Emily is still not talking to me; not that I needed reminding. As soon as I get through the school gates; who do I see none other than Emily and her new appointed friend chatting away blissfully to each other ‘it’s ok, pretend I am not even here’ I think to myself and as if they heard my request they do exactly that.

From that point on I make a conscience decision to pray that today will be much better than yesterday but I suppose if it doesn’t, I suppose there is always the thought that it’s Friday today yeahhh, not; and head off to form room for registration. Trying to appear optimistic, though it lasts for all of two seconds; and disappears as quickly as the British good weather does leaving no trace or evidence of its existence.

I was not too sure whether I should attempt to try and talk to Rachel today as I was not really up for rejection today so I think I will play it by ear to avoid any unnecessary embarrassment.  

After an uneventful morning I decide it is time to put my investigative skills to work because I certainly didn’t want a repeat performance of yesterday, so my first plan of action is to locate the target and observe its daily routines. Look at me I sound like a naturist on a wildlife programme observing the mating/grooming habits of one of its wild animals in their natural habitat, man I got problems. Back to the job in hand I just spot Rachel in the far corner of the playground I can’t see what she is doing from here all I can say is it does not look at all interesting in the slightest.

Rachel is a loner but of another kind I believe she has attempted to establish friendships before but nothing seemed to stick and I have to find out why; why doesn’t she have any friends? ‘Oh no is lunch over already, oh my gosh I left my bag in the locker and I got maths this period’ I think to myself as I dash off down the corridor to retrieve my books from the locker knowing deep down that I am going to be late anyway but I suppose the amount of time that I am late by is something the teachers take into account.
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Dear Diary

Got a detention today because I was about 5 minutes late for my maths lesson I don’t know why Mrs Harvey was so hard on me it’s not like I do this kind of thing all the time maybe she got out of bed on the wrong side this morning.
I don’t know what it was about today but I had a funny feeling that talking to Rachel would not be such a good idea though I am not quite sure why. I kind put it down to the fact I thought she liked the way she was I don’t know why I thought that I could be wrong maybe she resided herself to the fact that she is not the having a friend type of person or at least that is what other people obviously thought.

I just don’t know what is was, but it was like I was being held by a red light at a pedestrian crossing it had to be a sign. ’Oh my gosh how could I have forgotten’ as if a light bulb just went off in my head something just came to me I remember there was a time this new girl started the school; I think her name was Rebecca Scott and she decided to be a little friendly with Rachel as she they seemed similar in character both wanting to keep themselves to themselves. Man was she wrong; Rachel went crazy with excitement at the fact that she actually had a friend; not for long though.

She made Rebecca feel so claustrophobic, whenever Rebecca would turn around to do something when she would turn back guess who she was greeting by. At first she thought it was flattering but a little weird but thought Rachel would calm down after a while when she to know her more but she didn’t it just got worse. Man she had the patience of saint I swear if we didn’t have to wear school uniform that Rachel would have gone out and bought the same clothes as Rebecca. I think she wanted to be her. She was like her shadow anything Rebecca did she wanted to do and most of the time she was successful in doing so.

For example Rachel used to always walk home with Rebecca or at least she tried to but the thing was they never even lived in the same area because Rachel lived the other side of town and would have to travel in a totally opposite direction to get home.

It got to a point where Rebecca would do anything she could to avoid Rachel like stay late for study groups or at the end of the day run to the front entrance of the school even though she knew it would add ten extra minutes to her journey home but she didn’t care as long as she was free. Though unfortunately for her is sometimes Rachel would manage to catch up with her.

You would often see Rebecca running down the school corridor at lunch time and between lessons saying “don’t tell her I went this way or you haven’t seen me okay”. I swear she could’ve been a world class sprinter the speeds she would race down the corridors.

Thank goodness for small mercies I could have been lumbered with Rachel and would never have been able to get rid of her for one I can’t run that fast and quite frankly I don’t think I could be bothered to either. I say this now but it could have been a completely different story if it indeed happened to me.

Maybe I do have a good memory after all though it did take a while to kick in at least it got there in the end.

Night

Man I wrote a lot tonight my fingers are killing me and look at the time it after eleven I am going pay for that in the morning I am going to knackered with that I go to bed.

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Upon leaving the house that morning I see Zoe leaving her house at the same time as if we were synchronized with both decide to walk to school together neither of us said much just the odd few words were exchanged here and there. All in all; the journey to school was quite peaceful. I think Zoe agreed though no words were exchanged regarding this. The thing that confirmed that to me was the fact for the next few days we did the same thing and each day the conversations became more relaxed often causing us to burst into fits of laughter.

To be honest I never would have imagined that Zoe and I would get along so well the thing that now puzzles me; is why I never spoke to her before but then again Emily and I were in our own little world back then normally not noticing what’s on the end of our noses or right in front of us unless maybe it happened to be a boy.

“Hi Casey have a seat next to your mum and tell her what been going on”.

Oh no what have I done now I think as I try to the replay all the events of the week to make sure I have not done anything I should worry about. “How has your week been honey anything new happen” ok now I am really worried why all the questions. I can hardly contain myself any longer I just had to find out what was going on. “Have I done something wrong mummy” I say trying to sound innocent but also bracing myself just in case I did do something I had forgotten. ”Of Course not honey but is there something you want to tell me? No mum just wanted to make sure it is not very often that you sit me down to talk to me unless I am in trouble so I suppose I got a bit worried” wow this little bit of honesty really humbled me for a moment and quite shocked my mum that she embraced me in a warm motherly hug.

After what seemed like a very long silent pause in the conversation while my mother and I got caught up in an emotional mother and daughter moment, mum released her grip and looked at me with a genuine interest in eyes and said ”how are you and Emily doing now did u manage to patch things up”. Before I can manage an answer I take a moment to compose myself as the pain of losing my best friend is still quite fresh and didn’t want to give my mum any more cause for concern but I am not very successful as it can be seen in my eyes.

My mum now knows what my answer because if we had been talking again I would have responded a lot quicker. “Cas, what you and Emily need to is forget your silly little feud because I am sure she is feeling as bad as you are right now; I bet she has gone out and found a new friend to fill the void as well” I nod in response but I am too embarrassed to say anything as I realise that we broke up for such a silly reason I mean she has been my friend forever and I think it is about time I get her back the right way by a apologising.

ﰲ

Dear diary

Tomorrow’s the day I am finally going to do what I should have done ages ago get my friend back, no games or gimmicks this time just plain and simple honesty. I have enjoyed the new found friendship I have established with Zoe and I don’t want to lose it you never know maybe we all could end up being the best of friends.
From that little talk with my mum everything has become so clear all it took was a few weeks of stubbornness and wallowing in self pity and not forgetting the very welcomed mother daughter talks to make me realise that I missed my best friend.

Night hopefully I will have some good news for you tomorrow  

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