Poetry / Run (Analysis)

dung the beginning
dung the middle
but after “every cell” I wasn’t so amused with the time/line rhyme lines.
and the This and This wasn’t so special either.

The use of metaphors/colors/moods is so nice here with the exclamation dramas and the acid apathy landscapes, really got me going with these so as for critique, something different coming out of “Only the urge to keep moving” would be interesting to see, something about the blank space between the upper strike and dot of the exclamation point.

metaphoric and correct

I think you captured the sensory details well here. Nice work!

Well you certainly captured the essence of run. Some people say, “must run!” They keep that up all their lives always running & rushing around.

I like this.  The only part I have a problem with was right at the beginning when you said: “Pounding against the ground like an exclamation point.”  I thought that the rest of your imagery in this was really good, and well above this one.  I see what you’re going for, and it almost works, except that I just don’t picture exclamation points themselves pounding the ground.  And there are so many other things that do like sledgehammers, jackhammers, etc.  

I like the tempo it creates, making us feel like our lives are too frantic.  Well done overall.  Good luck.

B.

I was once a runner. This captures the essence of running. Love the sensory details, and the simile:
My legs are pumping
Pounding against the ground like an exclamation point
For each drama in life

It shows the energy “drilling a hole to escape” and lines up neatly with the last stanza where you sum it all up- escaping time. Beautiful.

Very good.  You have talent.  I feel if you can take one word and write poetry on that one word, you’ve got some talent.

I think this piece of writing is quite poetic in the way how you can summary the way you live in a simple concept – Run.

I favour this stanza the most,
“My legs are pumping
Pounding against the ground like an exclamation point
For each drama in life”

I wrote a poem and titled it ‘Run’ in a few years, here it is,

*

I wonder
if there is an express
which I can get on
to travel me
to a journey of life
where there is no horizon
where I can run and run.

I wonder
if there is a night
where I can run to and live on
which never lets me down
where there are the moon and the constellations
to deliver me
to a river of dreams
where it never will be awakened by daybreak.

And I wonder
is there a place
where there is a life I will run into
let me rest
and no matter where it will take me
if you ask me,
“Will you go with me?”
I’ll say,
“Yes I will!
Yes I will!”

The part where you described what you saw as you ran came out clear. Each line and phrase came flowing into one another. It was also good how you could get each part of the body or senses to easily transition

I liked that it flows smoothly till the last part where it stops running and makes a leap to life after the finish line. And maybe instead of saying all is hushed, all thoughts hushed might make a better allusion to concentration instead everything being quiet.
Thank you for sharing!