Thanks, I’ll try and work on that.
Sci Fi & Fantasy / Prologue: Wind of Betrayel (Analysis)
Evil, a force which at times seems unbearable. There are those who are consumed by it, those who give up hope at let it rule them, then there are the few who, although live in an evil world, are untouched by it. Seven of the untouched, must become one with the land, touched by evil, in order to defeat it. The second of these chosen seven, is Lyllian Sintral, Chosen Child of Water. To understand her story, however, we must understand the beginning, when the world was light and the 6 lands of Destiny lived in peace and harmony. When an Evil only know as the Dark Star came to the Realm of the Destined, the 6 lands fell into chaos and split apart. Foreseeing the trouble before him, The Dark Star split himself into 6 powerful beings of evil. The piece of the Dark Star calling himself The Destroyer was sent to Aquaintia. Using his dark powers the Destroyer killed everything in his path, he started the slave trades and killed the heart of the land.
The peoples of Aquaintia fell without a fight, not knowing how to beat such an evil foe. With his rein started the Destroyer ruled in cruelty, making sure the people suffered. Then out of nowhere a mysterious woman appeared wearing a scarf around the bottom half of her mouth, and blue clothing and armor. Without a word she fought the Destroyer, doing all she could to defeat him. When she realized she couldn’t win on her own, she created the Crystal Warriors, to fight by her side. For two long years they fought, no one receiving any advantage, until the Crystal Warriors started to grow tired and weak, giving the forces of evil a chance to gain on them.
As the woman contemplated what they would do, she was granted a vision and a prophecy, foretelling of one to come who would have the power to eliminate the Destroyer. Knowing then what she was to do she forged a weapon, using all her knowledge and power, then she hid it so only the Child of Water could get it. Then she vanished from the land, never to be seen again. In remembrance of the woman who fought for them, they called her the Flowing Crystal, and passed on her memory to all in Aquaintia; her prophecy being held as a New Hope.
The prophecy read:
In the light of a Crystal Moon,
In the year the Crystal came,
A child shall be born,
One with the power to beat the Destroyer.
Born of the cries of the people of water,
The Child of Water will come,
To raise them up in light once again,
Giving back the heart.
To accomplish this deed,
The Water must find,
The Crystal heart,
And flowing staff.
Combined these two,
A weapon will make,
And at last the Child will stand,
Against the Destroyer who will fall in her wake..
A warning there is,
To this great foretelling,
An evil rises from the water,
Trying to bring it down.
If it succeeds,
If the Child shall fail,
The Land of Water shall fall,
Forever dwelling in darkness and sorrow.
When the Destroy caught wind of this Prophecy, he stroke out and destroyed it, letting the people’s hope die with it. Ten as an extra precaution he proclaimed that any child with even the slightest sign of power and those already existing, that wasn’t in his control were to be killed, or sentenced to life in slavery.
Little did he know that one child survived.
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catluckey reviewed Version 2 -
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...And thus begin the adventures of The Water Child.
Your prologue does whet the appetite. This is more telling than showing, though. Perhaps start with the Dark Star in his environ, plotting to kill all the children with power that refuse to submit. And his conhorts or the captured Aquaintians can give the prophecy to Dark Star. Just an idea and suggestion.
It does introduce interesting characters, such as the mystery woman, Flowing Crystal, that created the Crystal Warriors. And I believe we’ll find ourselves experiencing the adventures of the Water Child.
I like the created name of the water people’s land-Aquaintia.
It did catch my attention and hold it.
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trismugistus reviewed Version 2 -
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There are two main problems I would focus on.
First off—you’re info-dumping. You’ve got loads of explanation here, with very little of the action you hint at. In fact, there’s so much it almost sounds like the summary at a start of the second novel in a series.
Unless that novel exists, you don’t want to be doing this in the prologue, but it’s so much info to assimilate for your reader they may well be turned off.
If you want to really this stuff it really needs to be done via active scenes. It sounds interesting—a destroyer appearing, a monumental battle, titanic struggles between good and evil. But I want to experience this stuff, I don’t want you to just tell me it.
The only way you can just about get away with telling is if you have one of your characters tell the other one in dialogue. This sometimes works later in a story, when your lead character is having their destiny revealed to them, but even then you’d be better having it via flashback or a similar device.
The other problem is you’re essentially telegraphing your whole plot having this detailed prologue that explains so much. As a reader, why should I read on—what’s your hook? Where’s the mystery that pulls me into reading the rest?
Prologues work best when they only hold relevance’s later in the story. Some small element or piece of knowledge that suddenly becomes crucial later in the story.
Another alternative might just be to have the prophecy at the front (probably don’t call it a prologue as such) and then launch into the story proper. You could make the prophecy vague or mysterious or intriguing and give much the same effect.
I hope that’s useful for you and wasn’t too rambling.
gbryananderson reviewed Version 2 -
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What I like about prologues is that they are a moment in time, mostly in the past. Like haikus they deal with one moment. You have many things to be rated, and, I will score low because you need to revise. I say that without even reading further.
You have problems in the first line: period after “it.”
”...at let…” should be ”...and let…”
“then” should be Cap. it starts a new sentence.
I’m not going to waste your credits. You have a great, and I’m serious, a great draft here, but too many errors. I’m not even sure Betrayel in the title is correct, “Betrayal.”
As an editor, and this is harsh, but it’s the publishing field, the very first line will have this rejected. Revise it and pay attention. I’d love to see another draft of this. I’m looking forward to it.
Print your story out, with pen in hand give it to several people and have them review it. Not on Urbis, but your teachers and classmates.
Blessings, Gregory
Zakari39 reviewed Version 2 -
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The story itself is quite good – I’m intrigued by the Prophecy and how the Child of Water will come to combat the Destroyer. It’s a bit contrived – Evil Force meets Prophesied Champion of Good etc…. but the idea is portrayed well enough.
Your grammar and spelling lets it down somewhat, and more attention to this would substantially improve the desire to read on and know more of the story.
martykate reviewed Version 2 -
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You’ve got a good story going here. I like the structure and the story is holding my interest. I am wondering why “Fira” and your heroine here disappear. They are appealing characters, but if they contribute to your storyline, please feel free to contruct it the way you want. It could be you are setting up a mythology, and in that instance the characters disappearing may not only be appropriate, but necessary.
This I take issue with: ”he stroke out and destroyed it”, talking about a prophecy. First of all, it’s “struck”. The other thing is, a prophecy is a thing not easily destroyed. First of all it’s mental, not material. Even in real life history, the tyrannical of rulers cannot completely destroy a prophecy, because it exists in the heart and the mind, and the spirit. It’s an intangible thing that exists on its own. You gotta re-think this to make your story work on the level that you write.
Be careful to be consistent here. You have good ideas, but you may need to weed a few out.
Number one—learn to proof read. And watch your grammar. I’ll give you some
examples
“few who, although live in an evil world” We talked about this before. It’s not grammatically correct and it’s awkward. You need to re-do it. I’m glad that you said you were going to re-work it.
There is a rule in writing for numbers: 1-9 are always spelled out. ”Six Lands” would be far more effective than “6 Lands”. Looks better and is less awkward. When writing numbers always follow the rules!
“With his rein started the Destroyer ruled in cruelty”
With is an awkward way to begin this sentence—you might try “When” instead; and “rein” should be reign. There should be a comma after “started”. Check your spelling. If you know you might choose the wrong word out of spell check, double check with a dictionary.
“When the Destroy” Should be Destroyer. And watch using capital “The” in front of the name—doesn’t work.
Sweettouch reviewed Version 2 -
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In reading the prologue in the first paragraph felt a little annoyance because I did not feel anything pulling me to learn more. However when I got to the prophecy I was pulled in. Maybe shortening the reading getting to the prophecy would be a good idea. After the prophecy you kept me interested and now I look forward to reading more.
Kimbers reviewed Version 2 -
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After reading the other pieces that accompany this one, I have become more and more intrigued by it. Do you plan to write the stories in tandem. That’s a lot of work, good luck.
You opening shows the reader that this piece is in conjunction to the flame story. That is certainly clear. Yet another prophecy to illustrate the histiry the present and the what is to come for the child born with these powers.
A grand scale is set for these pieces, well done and keep it going!
Angels365 reviewed Version 2 -
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There is an interesting start to a story here but this prologue actually gives a bad first impression.
Check for spelling mistakes if possible as I know from reading my own work after 6-7 goes it gets tiring. However, my work is 115,000 words, so you need to consider if you want to take this work seriously and be dedicated. Some spellings to correct:
First line change “at” to “and”
2nd paragraph first line change “rein” to reign”
4 lines from the end change “Destroy” to “Destroyer”
Same line “stroke out” – I don’t understand this and I’m unsure of why “stroke” is used.
Same line change “hope” to “hopes”
Same line “ten” to “then”
3rd line from end change “wasn’t” to weren’t” and add “under” after “weren’t”
The prologue should be the introduction only to gain the interest of me as the reader. We get descriptions of the woman’s clothing down to the colour of her scarf but fail to explain how the evil conquered the land and why no one put up a fight, which is more important than the scarf. In all honesty, who cares about her scarf (unless there is a specific reason later).
You mention that Lyllian is the second which makes me stop and ask “who is the first?” Why do we start with the second of the chosen?
You don’t explain what or where Aquaitia is. Why did the Destroyer come here first?
Overall, I would look at the prologue just to set the scene. Explain only about the six lands (are they all the same or covered in ice or forests etc.) and an evil force coming over the land. Give a brief overview about a challenger and then how she was given a prophesy which was the only hope for the people plagued by this evil. The description of the prophesy shouldn’t be in the prologue, you should just set the scene for me as a reader. It appears that what you have done is give an outline/ summary of the story which is a synopsis.
Spend more time working on the prologue to lead to the initial scene, then decide on the characters as you need to “bring them to life” to explain what their motives are and why they are risking everything to fight evil.
A good outline is here but a lot more work is needed to grab my attention and then keep it.
Jacamo reviewed Version 1 -
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It is an excellent story,which does need some work to bring it up to par. Use the spellcheck as there are a number of mispellings.The overall flow is good with some grammatical mistakes.A for-instance;Page 1, first para,last sentence says “Using his Dark Powers the Destroyer killed everything in his path,he started the slave trades and killed the heart of the land” This sentence could perhaps read; By use of his Dark Power the Destroyer laid waste to the land,he enslaved the people and sold them, stilling the very heart of the land. Only a suggestion!
nubadunk reviewed Version 1 -
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I guess the whole element Captain planet thing just doesn’t intrigue me! That’s probably why I’m not to into it. However your writing is strong!
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