Thanks, though I’m sorry you didn’t read teh whole thing.
Sci Fi & Fantasy / Prologue: Beginning (Analysis)
“In the darkest of times, the world fails and kindness is leached out of the people. If we all just learn to be kind to those around us, to realize they are in the same predicament as we, then our world will take its first steps to defeating the binding evil.
We all must learn to care, if our world is to change.”
Fira Masana
Evil, a force which at times seems unbearable. There are those who are consumed by it, those who give up hope and let it rule them, then there are the few who, although live in an evil world, are untouched by it. Seven of the untouched must become one with the land, touched by evil in order to defeat it. The second of theses chosen seven, is Fira Masana, Chosen Child of Fire. To understand her story however, we must understand the beginning, when the world was light and the six Lands of Destiny lived in peace and harmony. When and evil known only as the Dark Star, came to the Realm of the Destined, the six lands fell into chaos and split apart from each other. Foreseeing the trouble before him, The Dark Star split himself into six powerful beings. The second being of the Dark Star, The Shadow King, went to Atlana, Land of Fire, and spread his evil across the land corrupting people and destroying the land.
With his evil sunken in deep, he rose to power.
One by one, the few people who resisted him fell until only one remained, a pure Warrior of Flame. This warrior had the power to challenge him and when it became clear that ordinary weapons and powers wouldn’t work, she traveled deep into the land, collecting powerful magic’s which she used to forge a powerful weapon with the power to kill the Shadow King. Unfortunately the endless battle with the Shadow King and the forging of the new weapon had drained the warriors life force, taking away her ability to wield her creation. Understanding the doom that would befall the land if her weapon ended up in the Shadow King’s possession, The Warrior of Flame split the weapon in two, hiding the parts far from each other, making sure the Shadow King’s servants wouldn’t be able to find them. With her job done, and her strength depleted, the Warrior of Flame left Atlana, never to be seen again.
Before she left, the Warrior, left a prophecy and clues for one who would one-day rise against the Shadow King.
In the light of the Blue Moon,
In the midst of blood,
The Child of Fire shall come,
To defeat the Shadow King
Growing in ignorance,
The child will learn,
Harnessing power beyond imagination,
Slowly being guided into their destiny
A tragedy will hit fire,
Brining it into full course,
Starting them on a journey
Which holds all of Atlana in the balance
Coming into its destiny,
When the time is right,
The child will reunite fire and earth,
Confronting the Shadow king.
When faced with the child,
The Shadow King will fall,
Light will again inhabit the land,
Bringing great joy.
A warning I give,
To this happy tale,
Darkness grows within,
And it will strike in full force.
If the child gives in,
To the darkness that grows,
Then darkness will cover Atlana
Bringing suffering tenfold.
Destiny awaits the Child of Fire,
Crying out to be saved,
Remember dear child,
Light is within.
Do not fear mankind,
Your salvation,
The Ambassador of Fire,
Shall come and set you free.
Anara Osem
After hearing the prophecy, The Shadow king grew worried and in a haste, created The Hunt.
The Hunt is when , on every blue moon, the Shadow Guards, servants of the Shadow king, go out and kill the children born, sending the smell of blood and terrible screams into the air. For years the Shadow king killed the children of the Blue Moon, in hopes to prevent the birth of the Chosen Child of Fire. Destiny though, is not so easily beaten, for during this terrible act, one child survived to live in the dark world.
Taken in and hidden by two servant of light, the child was named Fira Masana and taught in the ancient ways of magic and combat, the way of the Warriors of Flame.
Although she was trained in this deadly art, Fira was innocent, unknowing of the cruelty and danger in the world. She knew anger and sadness, but she never used them, seeing no point to them. In other words, she was incomplete, unbalanced. Her parents, watching her grow found reason to hope that perhaps another would be chosen and Fira would be able to live a happy life.
Destiny though, once again intervened.
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lorataite reviewed Version 5 -
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galadriel reviewed Version 5 -
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the same predicament as we, then our world will take its first steps to defeating the binding evil.
do you want to say binding or blinding?
If so do this:then our world will take its first steps to defeating the evil which so easily blinds us.
I thought that they were untouched by evil. Why must they let evil touch them?
There are those who are consumed by it, those who give up hope and let it rule them, then there are the few who, although live in an evil world, are untouched by it. Seven of the untouched must become one with the land, touched by evil in order to defeat it.
It was very good.I liked it i will keep reading but to tell you the truth Antonia still captures my attencion and i am waiting a lot for the 4 chapter.
Galadriel
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Sweettouch reviewed Version 5 -
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“When and evil known only as the Dark Star, ” – “and” should be “an”
“With his evil sunken in deep, he rose to power.” – this is just not a good sentence – in reading “his evil sucken in deep” – no – how about changing it to something like “With his evil spreading” or “With his evil deeply rooted”
powerful magic’s – hmmm I think this should be powerful magic as magic is a plural already.
martykate reviewed Version 5 -
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You have created an interesting world. The prophecy in the form of poem was very effective. I liked it. Also, the prologue in the beginning was very Frank Herbert and reminded me of Dune. Nice Channeling.
LEARN TO PROOFREAD!!! ”although live in an evil world” should be “although living in an evil world”, or “although they live in an evil world”. Either would work but your sentence needs to be changed.
Drop the capital “T” when you are referring to “The Hunt”. Should be “the Hunt”, or “the Dark Star”, or “the Shadow King”. You aren’t consistent with this.
And “powerful magic’s” should be “powerful magic”.
I’m not sure about the ”collecting powerful magic which she used to forge a powerful weapon with the power to kill the Shadow King”. The language is awkward here. ”collecting powerful magic which she used to forge a weapon that would kill the Shadow King. You’re using one powerful too many, and using the word power again is overdoing it.
This is a good story. It has good bones. You’re creating a very magical world and draw the reader in. You should keep going, I definitely want to read more.
maybeimkansas reviewed Version 5 -
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I think this is a very good beginning to a novel. The complexity and construction was well thought out, though I felt the end (where you were explaining the Shadow King and his “Hunts”) was a bit stilted. It was also odd that you changed the person to whom the prophecy was directed – first it was general, and then it became directed at the child- you might want to pick one or the other. This is a great effort, though, I would be interested to see more.
Kimbers reviewed Version 5 -
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I actually read chapter one before I read this, by accident, of coarse, so some of the critique from chapter one becomes less relevant.
You claearly set the scene for an enormous world of opportunity for the character of Fira. The innocent caught in a deadly battle between good and evil.
The opening is catching to the reader immediately (well, it was to me anyway). You’ve clearly planned the majority of the general plot already, having put most of its description in this prologue.
I certainly like the part of the prophecy. It gives the reader the background, the present climate and the destiny of the child, yet is enigmatic in places too. The mystery is needed for a good adventure.
Fantasy promises to veritably ooze from this piece. I look forward to finding the course it will take in the future.
fainelloth reviewed Version 5 -
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This prologue sounds interesting – it doesn’t really betray a lot of the plot, but hints enough possibilities of what is going to happen. I like the way you started by giving a quote from one of the probably main acting characters, it reads interesting. Same goes for the poem.
However, I think the whole prologue reads like a description you casually gave to your friend, not like an epic myth or a prologue fit for one. I think style wise, there is a lot you need to work on.
The main problem is, I think, that you use a very summarizing style for introducing what has happened. The language is very simple and matter-of-fact. Parts of it sounds like a prophecy – like this paragraph “Evil, a force which at times seems unbearable. There are those who are consumed by it, those who give up hope and let it rule them, then there are the few who, although live in an evil world, are untouched by it. Seven of the untouched must become one with the land, touched by evil in order to defeat it.” – just to be followed by very summarized and… unmagical …sentences.
One paragraph which bugs me the most, is the last part. ” After hearing the prophecy,
The Shadow king grew worried and in a haste, created The Hunt.
The Hunt is when , on every blue moon, the Shadow Guards, servants of the Shadow king, go out and kill the children born, sending the smell of blood and terrible screams into the air. ”
The sentence “The Hunt is when” just doesn’t work. I think you need to reword this radically.
“After hearing the words of this prophecy, the Shadow King grew worried and, in a haste, summoned the first Hunt. Each blue moon, the Shadow Guards, sendlings of the Shadow King, spread over the world to kill newborn children…”
Just a rough example.
Overall, this piece of writing needs a lot of work, but it is interesting and I’d love to read more!
Shadowwolf5191 reviewed Version 3 -
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this is amazing i love it… When where there be more?
MaxPower1272 reviewed Version 3 -
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Very dramatic opening, good foreshadowing, try to clarify the epicness though, if that makes any sense.
My only main comment is the land of “Atlana” is really to close to the US city, “Atlanta Georgia”. I would try to ennuciate it a little different like Alt’lanna, or Alutana or something to that effect.
From the beginning your story sounds very Tolkien like, be careful not to rewrite Tolkien as that as seen usually by Editors as amaturish.
Aka
Shadow King (i would come up for a real name if you already haven’t and maybe use “Shadow King” as his alias that other people who don’t like him call him. Titles like Shadow King, Master of Darkness, Prince of Evil are titles given to those people by the people who fear them.
Also the sword or weapon being broken up is also a Tolkien kickback, the sword that the Kingdom of Gondor was shattered and remade by the hero of that story.
Most fantasy readers know what a Katana is, you don’t need to explain the “curve sword”. I would consider it common knowledge. However, i don’t know what “trungeon” are I would explain those instead and not use “Primary Weapon”, people didn’t talk like that back then and it sounds like a World of Warcraft term.
Not bad, needs some grammer work and a little more innovation to separate it from the run of the mill fantasy story. Instead of the lengthy exposition at beginning I would try to detail the plot of the story through character to character dialogue in an action-based event or something that draws the reader in more than a History Lession. Tolkien was really good at History Lessions but in the end, in today’s fantasy market it will get rejected immediately for that which is why i don’t think its publishable yet.
The second thing is about the voice of the character, try to find some unique character traits to help the reader better hear their voice. Character development is pivitol in a plot. Most fantasy epics like to focus on the “epic” side of the story but without a defined, living, breathing character that we can imaging any plot is doomed to fail or not be interesting not matter how epic it may be. I would consider making a physical character profile up for the characters in your story, read “On Writing” from Stephen King (great character education) to make your characters more believable. You have to believe their real before the reader can.
Keep up the good work and best of luck!
-Eric
chelly reviewed Version 3 -
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I like the idea you have here but this just seems too narrated. There isn;t much in the sense of description, she watched her house burn down with her parents in it but the scene isn’t described very well and neither are her feelings about what’s going on. Just a little fine tuning in that area and I think you could have an awesome story to tell.
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