i must admit i agree. to be honest im pretty sure i was drunk when i wrote this, perhaps a revision is in order. thanx for the words. LATER
Poetry / Screams of Dreams
Sirens in the silence
Voices in my head
All helping me through
My pain and my dread
Hearing the past scream
All too close it seems
For it to be the past
Pain will always last
I cant believe
All that I’ve felt
But now the sadness
Starts to melt
Feeling the pain
Driving me sane
Screaming at the rain
Nothing to gain
Living to die
Starting to cry
Asking me why
I’m wanting to die
Nothing to live for
But still I live
Trying to see all
I have to give
But the sun breaks the clouds
Giving what happiness is allowed
God sheds his light
Stops the fight
Teaching to cope
Bringing me hope
Floating on wings of angels
And flying all through heaven
I see all i need to see
Which makes me scream again
I wake with a start of my dream
Remembering all that I saw
Thinking of the answers shown to me
And agree in disbelief
Nevermind the past
Forget all old thoughts and fears
Starting a new world
Thinking free of tears
Ill hold loose to the wind
Harness the strength of light
Enjoy the simple pleasures
Stare into the stars of night
Let the chips fall where they may
Keeping all cards to play
And think not of the past demons
And live alive while dreaming
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CraziChick reviewed Version 1 -
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wow, expresses feeling, great. would be good as either poem or song. the title works with the fellings, the emotions. most poems and songs that have not been published have titles irrelevent but this one is perfect. keep it this way.
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Poetiquette101 reviewed Version 1 -
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i down graded on clarity because it started off slowly leaving room for a bit of convolution while I got into it though it seemed the voice had more conviction and demanding tone it grabbed my heart very nice
Lin reviewed Version 1 -
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You are certainly working at it & making great progress!
Great start & your ending was ok too.
I thought the middle was more of the same. cheers, lin
Sirens in the silence
Voices in my head
All helping me get through
My pain and dread
I enjoy the simple pleasures
Like staring into the stars at night
Letting the chips fall where they may
Keeping all my cards in play
Forgetting past demons
Living yet still dreaming
starla77 reviewed Version 1 -
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I like the content of your poem. It’s important, it’s about understanding life, death and everything in between. But I think it’s too long and it lacks of structure. You keep repeating the same things several times,(“pain”, “past”, “die”, “live”, “cry”, “dream”), so the poem can easily be made shorter and more fluent and chosing the right words the dream you’re describing will also become clearer. Insist more on imagery.
Hope this can help.
Sweettouch reviewed Version 1 -
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A good piece through and through. I am thinking many will object to the constant rhyming but I found it refreshing as it is something many now leave out of poetry altogether. A missing link so to speak.
The hope in your words shines through the pain you have felt and I sympathsize with this.
Enjoyed it.
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