Lyrics / :*(onfusion

i REALLY liked this piece. it honestly sounds like something a Good rock band would sing. the lyrics/rhyme scheme hits hard, which is great, and the content is clear as well.

like how you used the words jipped and clipped in chorus.  done good job on the rhyme .. keep trucking

lookingbeyond ..

these lyrics are very meaningful. It sounds like it would be a great song. i really enjoyed reading this:D

I’ll start off with what I found to be bad. There was a lot of cliche-rhyming. Rhyming is nice, but when you rhyme for the sake of rhyming, you lose a lot of everything else. the first 8 lines, though they did rhyme a lot, were actually a strong start. but i didn’t really see a continuing form. example, the eight lines following the third stanza seem out of place. “Good and evil in me duels” even though this was arranged in an awkward form to keep the rhyme, it still fails to follow what this was about in the beginning, there was no transition about a battle between good an evil, this was just about confusion tearing away inside and perception of what’s going on. lines like “the blood on my hand is dry” is good, but “a feeling in me…for me is banned.” those lines there are choppy since there’s no continued form to them. this needs a better structure, and then these lyrics will be as good as they are clear.

now_for_complimenting_i’ll_use_underscores_so_that_it_counts_as_one_word._the_last_three_lines_were_good._as_was_the_chorus._those_have_structure,_and_while_they_rhyme_it’s_because_they_flow_together_that_the_rhyme_is_successful._hope_this_helps.

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September 02, 2008

by lostthunder

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26	M	Storrs Mansfield, CT	January 01

for some reason i didnt catch what was said as a compliment. meaning i cant read it all, it just washes off the page. figures, all i can read is the negative. haHAha anyway, appreciate the points. LATER

September 10, 2008

by yang

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19	M	Sutter, CA	October 10

well i remember saying that the last three lines were good.

September 10, 2008

by yang

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19	M	Sutter, CA	October 10

all right, i zoomed out to see what i wrote. i also said the chorus was good. it rhymed, maintained structure and meaning. flowed nicely as well.

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I get the message, believe me I do, but I’ve never been much of a fan of abstract lyrics unless the use of metaphorical imagery is heavy. I can’t say that for this peice. It’s not bad by any means, just not really my flavor.

I like this for the most part.

These lines didn’t work for me:
“Walking on a double-edged knife
Careful not to run”

Not sure what to suggest to improve, though I get your point.

Also in this:
“All justice for me is banned”

Maybe replace “All justice” with “Freedom” ?

Hope this helps!

The first verse has an excellent rhythm to it.

Then I got to the chorus.
The first half isn’t too bad.
The second half is where you lost me.

The second verse seems like it was just a filler.
I do this sometimes as well, where you start off with a solid idea, then you kinda lose it as it gets spread thin over the song.

The beginning of the third verse/bridge seems to keep on just filling until it gets to the second half when things get stronger. From here it induced a wondering in me. I especially like the follow-up line, “Careful not to run.” I think it played well off the previous line.

The third/fourth verse is my favorite out of the whole song. It’s the most solid, declarative, and has the best imagery. Very good job. Only thing I suggest is dropping the word “is” from the fourth line, as to keep the rhythm that you had already set from the line before.

Depending on how the ending is done would make or break it, so I’ll leave it uncommented.

The thing I really didn’t care for was the chorus. It seems bland compared to the rest of the song which, overall, seemed great. It’s just the repetition of that one bland piece that would sink it in my opinion.

i really didn’t find it amusing… good song though.. i can see some one like arial black or Atryu singing this