Novel Treatments / Sinfully Yours - Part 5 (Analysis)
It had been far too long to remember exactly when Loki had left the guild; he had dedicated his life to two things. His daily training, which would be the tool required to extract his revenge, and gathering information on those he suspected of being responsible for the deaths of his parents. A cool breeze gently caressed his cheek as if it were teasing his memory. Just how long had it been since he had left the guild? There was much that had changed, many of the giant trees that once stood outside the city walls had been removed, replaced with buildings, but from what Loki could tell, these buildings were not part of the city… as one would think.
”Makoto, what are these buildings for?” Loki asked his closest team mate. A very confused young man turned to face Loki. He was not much older than Loki, but if he was judged solely by appearances, most would have though the boy, whose age was seventeen, to be in his mid twenties. He stood at the height of six foot easy, the imposing figure of a seasoned fighter. While in truth, Makoto had seen little actual combat, the imposing visage was aided by not only how he chose to fight, but just exactly how quickly the giant could adapt to overcome many problems on a simulated battle ground.
”These are the guilds guard posts. Surely you know that? Just how did you place in here? You don’t even know what a guard post is?” Makoto had never met Loki before and upon review of his folder, found Loki to be a poor assassin, having failed eight of nine missions. However, the folder also revealed that in simulations and knowledge tests, Loki constantly scored higher than most veteran assassins.
Loki started to defend himself, but realized that his words would fall on deaf ears. He would have to show exactly how he placed in the exam once it began. A cough from the front of the lines brought both of their attention to the proctor.
”This is the deal… those that would seek the powers and tools that caused the Great War must be stopped! The fifth sector has already massed troops to march upon the rest of the sections of the city to obtain that which is required for these tools of death! It is up to you to stop this madness! Once you have assassinated Victor Rage, return to the guild, with the death of their leader surely the sector will abandon these dreams. Now go!”
Before the last sentence was spoken, the amassed crowd of had already dispatched themselves into their own teams and began the mission. The proctor sighed, if only they realized the missions were a fool’s errand. Surely none would live.
Loki had a rather small team compared to the others. Makoto, Jin, Cyan, Kyo, Leodi, and Rune. However, what the team lacked in age and size, the team had received the highest survival rate and highest acknowledgement from the veterans.
Jin was the most disciplined of the bunch, having taken a keen interest in subtly rather than brute force. Cyan was a total blood seeker in combat, while most would not see the all out brawls he pitted himself into as the qualities of a finer assassin, when paired with one such as Kyo or Jin, he proved to be an excellent distraction. Kyo had recently appeared within the ranks of the assassins, and despite his young age of fifteen, was a master of combat when it came to duel wielding. Leodi and Rune were the twin children of Weldon Graston, the leader of the assassin guild. The two acted as one in combat, both had been trained to cover and use a style of fighting that complimented the others. Together the seven had set out, keeping their distance behind the pack, not for fear, but once combat began, they could await orders from Loki to see how to best aid the others.
”Exactly why are we following this idiot, he’s clearly the worst of the lot!” Leodi asked his sister directly, but didn’t mind if the answer came from anyone else.
Kyo looked to Leodi and smirked “He is underestimated.” Makoto, to, felt as if one of the twins should have led the group, after all, they did have the most experience and were the offspring of a great assassin.
”Do what you will, but I wish to live.” Loki replied calmly, both Kyo and Cyan nodded. Cyan had carried out missions with Loki before, which happened to be the only mission Loki had succeeded in, and nearly lost his life more than once because he didn’t heed the advice of the younger assassin. Leodi sighed, clearly defeated by first hand experience.
”Don’t think to much on it brother, remember our own agenda.” Rune whispered to Leodi, who quickly forgot about the troubles at hand and focused on the path before him.
Rune smiled to herself, sheer knew just how to manipulate those around her, and while she filled the head of her brother with empty promises of ruling the guild, she also plotted of ways to enthrall the others to help her… in particular how to bend Loki around her finger. She would need a strong band of those willing to protect her from harm after the assassinations of her own father, that was only if she lived through the night.
Aura looked back towards the window, absorbing everything Seta had thus far explained to her.
”What about you? Where you not part of the exam?” she asked. Seta nodded
”In my own way, I obtained permission to be by myself, a team of one, for scouting purposes… or so many thought, however I tailed behind Loki, to see if he would need my help.”
”Help? With him with what?” Aura did not fully understand why Seta would hide from friendly troops.
”Loki believed that the deaths of his parents were caused b y none other than Weldon Graston, and in attempt to find out, he would have to beat the information from his own children.”
Aura nodded, it suddenly became coldly clear. Loki entered the exam to get the information, kill the twins, and then kill Weldon.
”I see you now understand. Then you see why I was needed…”
Loki pointed to the group fighting directly ahead of them and nodded.
”Kyo, Makoto, Cyan and Jin, fortify that line. Leodi, Rune and I will get to higher ground to fully judge the field.
The three quickly reached a hilltop to survey the battle, but reconnaissance quickly left Lokis mind. Drawing his katana, Loki swung for Leodi, who while unexpectedly dodged the blow, fell to the ground from lack of balance. No words were exchanged as the twins both readied their weapons to defend themselves. Loki charged towards Rune, attempting to force her from helping her fallen brother. Instead, he was met with the fist of an angered Leodi as he was pulled to his feet.
”The hell?” Was all he managed to say before he was forced to block the wide arc that would have otherwise found his head. Rune needed nothing else, with the clang that only two swords could make when their steel collided; she set herself into a frenzy of masterful strokes. The unexpected flurry of attacks from Rune quickly put Loki on the defensive; both Rune and her brother seemed to have no opening in their guard. Even to Seta, who stalked the three of them from the branches of the trees, the combination of offense and defense was awe-inspiring.
Growing increasingly distressed by every parry, he had no choice, had had hoped to keep Seta out of the fight and reveal his skills later, but something had to give.
”Sing the sorrow!” Loki cried aloud, briefly causing the twins to ponder at his cry, but their curiosity was quenched by the returned call of
”To still the anger!” from some unknown being. Rune was the first to spot Seta, but before she could warn her brother, a barrage of attacks was unleashed, forcing her to dodge backwards, leaving Leodi open to both attacks from Loki and Seta. Leodi fell to the ground as he managed to block the attacks with a parry and a drop to one knee, but what he didn’t expect was to met a knee on his way down. Quickly seizing the moment, Loki grabbed the unconscious Leodi by his hair and put a katana to the throat of the twin.
”You will tell me what I want to know!” Loki said hastily, still trying to catch his breath.
Dropping her short sword, Rune nodded, whatever information Loki wanted, she did not want to pay with her life, she was too far in her own plans to extract revenge.
”Sullan and Demein Trister, do those names sound familer?”
Rune blinked; of course she had heard of the two, it was the first mission she had be allowed to help her father plan. It had been one of her fondest memories as well until recently.
”Yes, they were killed in a mission nearly a decade ago… why?
”Because I’m going to kill the people responsible for the murders, and anyone else who helped!”
Runes eyes lit up, here was her chance, and she now knew his driving motive, his own mistake… although he would never know.
”My father was the one responsible; he carried out the mission because of the importance.”
Rune began to tell the story of the mission, but was interrupted by Loki.
”Enough, I don’t want to know the details. All that matters is that I now know whose blood must be spilt.”
Loki began to move his katana, but Rune must have understood the malice in his words.
”Wait! If you seek to kill my father, allow me to help you… Leodi and I have carefully laid plans, and soon, very soon, there will be a new leader of the guild.”
Loki looked to Seta for advice, but found the same questioning look staring back at him.
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There are many many misspellings
“It had been far to long…” that should be spelled TOO
also in the first sentence you need semi-colon, not a comma after guild
you use ‘extract’ his revenge instead of ‘exact’ his revenge
you spelled responsible – responciable
teammate is one word
add a ‘t’ to though, age is spelled agre, twenties you’ve spelled twentys
‘is six foot easy’ a measurement? is that somewhere in between six feet tall and six feet one inch? how about ‘he stood over six feet tall’ right after that you have two ‘the’s instead of one
adpat instead of adapt, futitatly should be futility,and it should have a semi-colon after it instead of a comma,
fron instead of front, fool’s instead of fools, received instead of recieved
i can’t take anymore. please proof-read and re-submit. i hate to sound mean, but although the ideas are there and the will to take the time to write is there, you’ve simply got no grasp of sentence structure, punctuation, flow, spelling, etc. you need to take an english class.
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