Wow and thanks. I just reviewed one that turns out to be by you. Needs a little work, but good start. Pick up a Little Brown Handbook. I had to use it for English comp and it’s a god send. Get it on Amazon, don’t buy it new!!!!
Horror / Tristan and Isolde--A Vampire Romance
Marty Reeh©2008
Introduction
Tristan de Lenval and Isolde
I remember the night I first met Tristan de Lenval and his lover Isolde. No, not that Tristan and Isolde, though this love should be as legendary as theirs, in my opinion. Besides it’s a much better story.
Chapter One
It was the last time I saw Julie, the girl I was going to marry, if she’d have me. It had been one of those most wonderful nights. I didn’t have a ring, yet, but I was going to ask her to marry me and I was betting on her saying “yes”.
We’d gone to the basketball game and were having a slow, romantic walk back to our dorms, filled with kisses stolen in alleys, our hands all over each other. I was so hot for her at that point that I was ready to drag her into a darkened doorway and have her right there; but I wouldn’t. I wanted to do this right.
We heard some people walking behind us, but paid them no mind. The University of Washington campus was full and lively, it would have been strange not to run into anyone. I expected them to either stay behind or pass us, saying something like, “Great game, man, huh?” That’s the reason I wasn’t panicking when I knew heard footsteps right behind us.
All that changed in an instant. There were four of them; two with guns, two with wicked-looking knives. Both Julie and I got out our wallets without a word, and the tallest one smiled, and aimed his “Glock” at me and shot me, barely missing my heart.
I don’t know if that was what he intended, or if he wanted me to see what happened next. All I knew is that I was helpless and they were surrounding Julie, and soon I heard the sounds of tearing clothes and screaming. Then, mercifully, the sound of a bullet and silence.
The tall one shot me once more, but again his aim was lousy. I was still alive. They took off down the alley and I saw the ruins of my Julie lying there and I began to weep. Why was I still alive anyway?
“So you can avenge her death.” Point stated matter-of-factly. A man with curly blond hair squatted next to me. “You’re dying, mon ami, but I can help you if you’re willing to pay the price.” How had he read my mind? I wanted to pay those bastards back more than anything else in the world.
He ruffled his curls, “I can help you get vengeance, or better still, give you to the tools to get your vengeance. Oh yes, and I can give you eternal life, or eternal life as I know it. It will be both rewarding and a curse, but I think you would find it worth it. But I need your consent and you must be ready to accept the consequences of your choice.”
I nodded, to what I don’t know. He seemed beautiful in the half-lit alley, and he seemed to be offering me a way to avenge Julie. That I was all for, if I could truly have it.
“I’ll have to be careful,” he muttered to himself, and picked up my dying body and suddenly I felt needles sticking into my neck. Even if I’d known at the time that he was draining my blood, I wouldn’t have cared. I wouldn’t have cared if he was Lucifer himself. I was not about to let those scumbags get away with Julie’s rape and murder. Besides, I was dying and he was offering me a chance to live.
Suddenly he propped me up, and then bit his own wrist. “Drink,” he urged and put it to my mouth. I turned my head away, but he was insistent, so I gave in and began to suck the blood pouring from his wrist.
I felt myself suddenly growing stronger, and the bullets popped out as my wounds healed. I felt life coursing through me and I wanted to laugh, and did when he pulled his wrist away and bound it with a handkerchief.
I was alive! I was ready to jump up and leap around like a fool until the pains first hit. I saw him laugh at me when I curled up in a ball. I snarled, pissed off that I was going through this, then realized I’d never snarled in my life!
The stranger smiled at me. “We’ll wait for your body to go through the change, and then I’ll take you to my house.” He held up his hand when I opened my mouth to protest. “No, you can’t go back to your Fraternity. Sooner or later your roommates will know something is wrong. And what will you do when it’s time to go to dinner, hmmm?” No,” he shook his head, “I’m going to take you home with me. If you choose to go back to school that will be your choice. There’s much less risk attending classes than there is living with mortals.”
When he picked me up it was as easy as if he were lifting a child. Suddenly, we were running through the streets so fast that buildings flew by me in a blur. I closed my eyes so I wouldn’t be sick, and when I finally opened them, we were standing on the porch of an old home in the Ravenna District, not far from Children’s Hospital.
The door opened suddenly. “Tristan”. A tall, slender woman, maybe middle aged--I couldn’t tell at the moment--stood there. She stepped aside to let us in.
“Put him on the sofa. And get him some clean clothes. Yours ought to fit.” A warm hand, so different from the coolness of the vampire’s. “How are you feeling?” The expression on her face was warm and concerned.
Her accent wasn’t French like his. As a matter of fact, I was willing to bet that she was from around here. And there was one more shocker—this was no vampire I was looking at, but a mortal woman.
She smiled, pushing her short auburn hair back in a gesture much like his. “You’re right; I’m not one of you. Tristan and I have lived together for five years. He keeps shying away from changing me. I made him pay for plastic surgery so I wouldn’t look old next to him. I keep telling him he’s a coward.”
“Hush Isolde, you’ll scare the boy. And don’t read his mind, it’s not nice.” He laid slacks, a silk shirt, underwear, and socks on my lap. “You’ll feel better when you change clothes. Go clean yourself up in our bathroom—it’s at the top stairs in the only bedroom.”
As I headed up the stairs I heard Isolde say to him, “Has he fed yet? He needs to feed; you’ll need to take him out. But take the car this time, Tristan. He’s too new to be out on the street yet.”
The bathroom was huge, littered with male and female toiletries. I took a shower with olive oil soap and shampoo that had labels in French that I couldn’t read. I dried myself off with the thickest, softest towels I’d ever seen and put on Tristan’s clothes.
Everything about this house said “money”. I was wearing pants that were made out of tensil fiber and a silk shirt. The socks I slid on my feet were also silk and putting my dirty Nike Airs over them seemed sacrilegious. I want back downstairs feeling like I should be wearing hair gel and posing for GQ.
Isolde looked at me and gave me smile of approval that made me blush. Or that would have made me blush. I felt strange all over. Healthy, well, but strange. It was only thinking about Julie that brought my mood down and Isolde saw it.
“Later, child, later.” Normally I would have had something to say about being called “child”, but there was something about the way Isolde looked when she said it that made me not mind.
Tristan kissed her. “I won’t keep him out long. He can meet the rest when they return. And yes,” he divined her thoughts; “I’ll take the car so we won’t be long.” He put his hands behind her head and pulled her close. “Lock the door, cherie. The boys have keys.”
He took me downstairs to their garage. There was a silver Jaguar sedan, a black Porsche Boxter, and a red BMW. He opened the door of the Jag for me, then slid into the driver’s seat. He pressed a button on the key ring and the garage door opened, then closed when we pulled out.
He seemed to drive aimlessly, but I noticed we were heading towards the University District. His keen blue eyes flicked back and forth, looking for something. He found a parking place on the “Ave”, then parked and got out of the car.
“Come on,” he commanded, and I got out of the car and followed him. “This is your first lesson,” he explained, “There are enough evil doers in this world that you need never prey on the innocent. Some day you may decide to give up humans altogether. Some do. It’s a noble way to live but not an easy one. But for now, here you will find your easiest kills.”
We walked along the Ave, him elegant in his raincoat, silk pants and shirt. I was feeling awkward. So uncaring did he seem that when he came upon a girl being robbed at knifepoint, the perpetrator didn’t even seem to notice him until he grabbed his shoulder. The grip must have been powerful because the creep he had hold of was wincing and saying, “Ow, ow, let go.”
“Go,” he said to the girl, and she turned and fled, not looking back.
“Now watch,” he told me and sank his fangs into the guy’s neck just long enough to weaken him, then he beckoned me and directed me to pick up where he left off.
It wasn’t the easiest thing I’d ever done; but as I felt the blood flow into my veins I could feel myself grow stronger. He instructed me to stop when his heart stopped beating, but I stopped before that happened. I swore that I could hear this guy’s heart beating in my ears and I didn’t like it. He told me I could leave them almost dead if I chose, but it was best to learn to feed until the heart stopped.
We got back into the Jag, and he warned me that I may not feel very good by the time I got home, but after a few times it would go away. His words proved true, and it was Isolde who held my head when I got sick, and who helped me onto the couch, and threw a soft afghan over me.
She’d built a fire that was now burning merrily. She sipped cognac while she sat on Tristan’s lap and watched the flames flicker in the marble fireplace. When she finished the cognac she stood up and kissed him goodnight.
That left the two of us alone. Tristan threw another log on the fire and sat back, stretching out his long legs.
“How do you feel?”
The question was unexpected. I didn’t feel really bad now, except maybe my stomach felt simultaneously crampy and queasy, but no worse than having a mild stomach flu. I shrugged my shoulders. He was quiet for a long while, then started talking.
“Isolde is my companion, my lifelong companion, or rather she will be. She’s not young, but she’s beautiful and incredibly sensitive and intuitive. When I found her, someone had beaten her badly and left her for dead. I hadn’t fed in a while and here were ripe pickings, it would been so easy to take her, and her pain would have been over.
“But her mind touched mine. ‘I don’t care, do what you will.’ she said. Her eyes looked dead, she had endured so much that she had given up. But somehow, with that sentence, she touched me. Maybe if she’d begged and pleaded, or screamed, the outcome would have been different. But her plight touched something human in me. “
“I took her to this house and watched over her that night, lest she had a concussion. I gave her just the tiniest bit of my blood to strengthen hers. I broke into hospital pharmacies and stole painkillers for her. I bought her silk nightgowns so that only the softest and smoothest of fabric would brush against her painfully bruised body. I carefully bathed her in lavender and rosemary soap and laid her in my bed.”
“Little by little, she grew stronger. She had no memories, save of me standing over her while I debated whether to kill her. Though the smell of human food nauseates me, I cooked and fed her, watched her gain weight. She confessed to me that she loved chocolate truffles, and one day I brought back not only truffles, but also had a florist fill the house with flowers.”
“I could see her age, but it mattered only to her, not me. I didn’t know what I had planned when I first rescued her off the street, but suddenly I found that I could not wait to get back to her at night after I’d hunted. I bought clothes for her that I wanted to see her wear. I hired the best cook I could find to come and prepare her meals until she was strong enough, or wished to, prepare them for herself.”
Every night I hold her while she sleeps. Every night I thank Providence for bringing her to me. She has made what was merely a place for me to stay and sleep a home. I spoil her. I lavish gifts on her. I do this because I feel guilty because she can no longer work and take care of herself because of her lost memories. ‘Isolde’ is the name that I gave her; she does not even know who she was before.”
“There are other young vampires living here, She looks after all of them. She calls herself their “Den Mother”. They each know that if one hair of her head is harmed I will exact a vengeance on them that they could only imagine in their worst nightmares. “
“I cannot bear the thought of changing her yet. I indulged her and let her have plastic surgery so that she would look younger, but I treasure her mortality, her fragility. I am afraid to change her, fearing that she will change and perhaps no longer need or want me. That I could not bear. She is the light of my life and to be without her would not be life at all. Do you understand, young one?”
“My name is Steven.” I don’t know why I said such an idiotic thing, but it just came out. “And I understand about Isolde. If Julie were alive, I don’t know if I could make her a vampire, I just know that I loved her the way you love Isolde.”
“Good, then we understand one another.” He got up and placed one more log on the fire. “When the others come in tell me if they bother you. You have had enough for one day. Isolde wakes early, she will see you in the morning. Until then, bon nuit.”
You need to log in to urbis or create an urbis account to review this writing.
Reviews
Sort Reviews by Newest | Oldest | Highest Quality | Lowest Quality | Newest Comments |
Rhonda9080 reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100% of the Item
Hi Kate,
As always, the writing here (to me) is pretty much flawless (unless you want me to go through and rewrite sentences like I would instead of your unique style).
I am not as bowled over and enthralled right now with this piece as I was with the opening/prologue (which kicks butt). Now, you know I am a major fan, right? Its not that its bad, its absolutely not. It just needs some tweaking.
(God, first chapters are hellish, aren’t they?)
I like Steven, but he’d just not as interesting as Tristan. In the opening scene, we have this kid, and he’s likeable, but I’m not sure we care enough about him yet (as much as we should) when all this starts happening to him.
I like Tristan and Isolde (good and interesting twist on Isolde as “den mother”) but I’m just not compelled by Steven yet. It is my honest opinion that giving us some wonderful Tristan stuff in chapter one will get us absorbed and willing to then be interested in whomever Tristan is. We really want to explore Tristan further (after reading prologue/prelude). Does this make sense?
Introducing us to “the den” and a little interaction between the group sooner would also bring out your lovely characterization and get us involved in the personalities prior to actions like Steven’s GF’s death.
Is there any particular reason why your not just going in Tristan’s VP with this? I know the writer always has compelling reasons for doing something a certain way that are not always apparent to casual reviewers.
*It may be a good idea to open with something like “I had been a vampire for two weeks.” Tell a little brief back story, but then show interaction between Steven and the group (like in chapter 3), and explore through Steven’s eyes the dynamics of the group and their interaction as it revolves around Tristan and Isolde.
*I liked Tristan’s tale of how he saved Isolde, and what she meant to him, and I believe this could also be a compelling opening. Done just like the Steven/Julie story, (with action,dialogue etc.)
There are lots of good things in this chapter, but somehow, it just isn’t doing its work yet to pull us into the story. (You have to live up to that wonderful opening prologue—its amazing (in my humble opinion).
On the dialogue—its good, but it still needs to find a balance between historic figure (born in Druid England) and something modern. Tristan would have picked up various inflections and colloquials over the years, as well as from the “den” of young men of various time periods. Try loosening him up a bit, with just a touch of the more elevated historic style for flavor (maybe just a sprinkling of archaic words).
I don’t want to make this too long, but please message me for more questions. I am, unfortunately, not always as concise as I should be, but I try :)
***Biggest thing, this is a worthy tale that deserves to be told. You are an amazing writer, but you are still in the formative stages with the plot, characters, structure, etc.
All great novels must go through this stage first. This must rise to the level of the opening prologue. You are capable of it.
Blessings!
- add/view comments (2)
BPL reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100% of the Item
The story is a little choppy .You need more detail .Your sentences are full of energy .It needs to be played out more per word .
All of chapter 1 needs to be longer with more info .
” She has made what was merely a place for me to stay and sleep a home”
elaborate your sentences add more information.
I would love to read more when you have done some edits
dcyuelling reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100% of the Item
Wow…I like this. I like the story and the quit action. Tristan comes and saves Steven from dying. I like how you simply tell the story of how Tristan met Isolde. I can hear his tone as he tells the story even without you mentioning his tone with action tags or anything. I love vampire stories too so this is up there with some good books. I hope to read more.
I found nothing wrong with your grammar or spelling. The sentences flowed and I didn’t stump on anything. I also like how you place in french words to better fit the characters too. Brings more to the characters.
Emalie reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100% of the Item
I really like it so far, hope to see more!
thedesroyinghill reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100% of the Item
It’d be a lot better if there weren’t so many french words. Us americans is stupid. (Before you ask, that was meant). The words kind of take away our understanding of what’s happening. I liked this otherwise; beautifully written and a great plot. I can’t wait to see those scumbags be ripped to shreds.
Cilasliag reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100% of the Item
Hi there, I just read your little Intro to a Vampire Story. I am not sure what you are trying to do with this. But I love vampire stories, I read all of Ann Rice’s first Vampire Chronicles and many other writers of vampire stories. It sounds like you are trying to do something similar. I have written a few of my own too. What you first need to do, since Vampires are so overly done these days, is to first understand what is that makes Ann Rice’s and other’s stories so great. It is that their Vampires seem real but saddled with a larger than life tragedy. Her Vampires seem trapped within their own bodies. I don’t get that impression from yours. Your vampires don’t seem all that trapped or tragic, but rather contented with their existence. Unless you explain this better, this story idea will seem flat and not all that enjoyable. I don’t think I would remove the tragic-ness of the vampire. It is too ingrained in the over-all vampire mythos. Once you understand how to make your vampires more tragic and at odds with their existence. Then you might be able to find a way to make your vampires unique from any other vampire universe. A vampire concept that is truly of your own spirit and different from any other concept. If you want me to critique on how your story flows and other mechanics, I could do that. But, I feel that your overall flat vampire concept is the most crucial thing, at this point. I believe that you could do this if you really wanted to. I would like to see more of this story. And if you need any ideas on how to make your vampires more unique. I could assist with some basic concepts. Anyway, I hope this helps.
Dave.
matthewtrent reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100% of the Item
I just reviewed the next chaper in this story prior to this one. With a few suggestions, this piece can go from good to great. Briefly, you have far too many run-on sentences. You use and in almost every other sentence. The flow of your work is pretty quick as you build this amazing story yet the sentence structuring negates your effort. Do a hard redraft eliminating the run-ons. I pose one suggestion in my following notes.
On content, I tackle one inconsistency in the notes but one still remains. If this Point character turned the protagonist and Tristan was no where to be found, why then would either Tristan or Isolde be so bold as to reveal their relationship to a complete and utter stranger? More to the point, who does such a thing if there isn’t a deep friendship or something to be gain by sharing this information? I wonder whereas you are building this love story as the premise whether or not you see how the whirlwind romance is being forced upon the auxiliary characters and their lives rather than them or even the readers discovering it for themselves. “Wow! Tristan and Isolde really are into one another. What’s that about?” Then a conversation between one of the vamps and the protagonist rather than first thing through the door Isolde is force-feeding her life story and/or heart’s desires to a complete stranger.
Overall a great job. See my notes below for some corrections that I caught. Keep writing. I’ll keep reviewing your progress. Hope my thoughts help.
remember the night I first met Tristan de Lenval and his lover Isolde. No, not that Tristan and Isolde, though this love should be as legendary as theirs, in my opinion. Besides it’s a much better story.
(Omit this. Its clunky and unnecessary)
when I knew heard footsteps (omit the rest of this sentence) right behind us.(Establish a quick flow for the inevitable “taken” scene to follow)
one smiled, and aimed his “Glock” at me and shot me, barely missing my heart.(Break this up into at least 2 sentences)
they were surrounding Julie, and soon I heard the sounds of tearing clothes and screaming. (If you have more than one ‘and’ in a sentence, you need a punctuation break)
That I was all for, if I could truly have it.(this reads awkward)
when he pulled his wrist away and bound it with a handkerchief. (wrist BINDING IT with a handkerchief)
Point was the one that turned him then took him to the vampire home near the hospital. Isolde was there to greet Point and guest yet you being a referencing toward Tristan through her dialog but where was Tristan through all this? I would clarify this.
I want back downstairs feeling (went)
The protagonist doesn’t seem unnerved in the slightest being in the home of vamps, using their shower or tolietries. More to the point, the notion that his girlfriend was killed right before him a short time ago doesn’t seem to register. Why?
decemberskye reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100% of the Item
this plot has potential. it kept my attention but it it seemed rushed. i would suggest slowling the story down, especially in the beginning when julie dies. that scene is the most important part, not only because its the first thing people will read but because julie’s death is a major factor in his becoming a vampire and meeting tristan and isolde.
give a little bit more of julie and steven before you kill her. the more the audiance knows about her, the more emotion it will evoke when she’s killed. really show how much steven cares for her so readers will feel his pain and be angry with him.
give more detail to how she died. describe exactly what they did to her, how much pain she was in and howmuch pain he was in while he watched. i didnt really feel it so therefore i dont really have too much sympathy for steven or his situation.
i would also suggest giving a little more detail about his change from a human to a vampire. it seems simple from what i read.
like i said, this story has potential. i would just say fluff it it some. it needs a lot more details and discription.
JaneLloyd reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100% of the Item
and aimed his “Glock” at me
I’m not sure why you have glock in quotes.
you if you’re willing to pay
you, if
give you to the tools
*you the
not far from Children’s Hospital.
from the Children’s
up the stairs I heard
stairs, I
I’m glad I finally got to read the first chapter! The only major issue I felt throughout was a slim degree of unbelievability, mostly with how quickly Stephen was able to accept all of this. I run into this problem as well, so it’s not a huge deal, but there needs to be a slight resistance on his part.
occupational_hedonist reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100% of the Item
I came back to this after reading the second part because I was really hooked. You have a real gift with creating characters and you are definitely on to something with this. I found the whole story of Isolde and Tristan very moving and very beautiful – I like the idea she isn’t a conventional beauty, that she is older.
The beginning is a bit rushed. The rape and murder of Julie and the turning of Stephen is rushed to me, and you can definitely build that up, hook the reader in. With some work that could really be good.
Great knack for telling a story and characters. You mainly need work on setting the scene and building up atmosphere which with practice will come.
Showing 1 - 10 of 20
Next →
Review item
Add to favesCreator
Relevant Links
Item Stats
GENERAL
19 Reviews 12 Comments
Version 2
Latest Activity: about 1 month ago
REVIEW QUEUE
Appeared in Queue: 278 Times
Skipped: 11 Times
Ratings & Rankings
Versions
| Version 2 | Version 1 (Deleted) |