Thank you. I really appreciate your review. I am glad that you pointed it out the word “thin” used twice. I will be posting a new version of this chapter and another chapter soon.
Romance / In My Pastlife/Prologue (Analysis)
Prologue: The Shades of Night
The wind is cold and harsh against the young woman’s frail body. The only light that shines on her snow path is that of the moon. Her bare feet, which are now cut and pale, stagger over the rugged terrain. Weak arms shiver under a thin white shawl. Her ghostly pale face stares blankly ahead. Her hair flies loosely in the wind. The ripped dress that was once pure white is now covered in stains and drapes over her body freely. Blowing across the England plains, the winds carry the whisper of her name. Aleesha, Aleesha. She yearns for something but she doesn’t know what it is. This indescribable yearning keeps her mind awake during the late hours and forces her to walk just a little farther. She probably yearned for all the answers to her life. Was her father telling her fabricated stories? Was it just a coincidence that she found the necklace’s equal?
The last time she stopped she was still in Sussex but she didn’t know how many miles she traveled since then. All she knew was that she had to get away from her husband. She had to get away before she suffered more. She can only imagine now how her malevolent spouse was reacting to all of this. He was probably bragging to his friends now about how she may not last in the cold much longer. They were probably toasting to new income and a new wife, thinking that she had died already. “What a fool I was to believe him!” she scolded herself. The soft crunch of snow behind her hints someone’s presence, but she dare not look. His heavy panting confirms her suspicions. The winds get stronger know. Aleesha, Aleesha, the wind cries out violently. The uncontrollable shivering and the purplish tint of her feet were not enough to stop her.
“Aleesha please stop!” a man’s voice cried.
She didn’t stop to look behind her. She could recognize the man just by his voice. The man behind her was the reason her life was a living hell for years. Some nights when her spirits lowered she cursed him, knowing that it was her husband that deserved the bitter words. And when she slept through the cool summer nights she dreamt of the hours she spent with him. Now he followed her in to a snow storm, trying to prove himself once again only this time without thinking sensibility. Was it too late for him? Had the cold blocked her conscious mind from the entire outside world?
“Aleesha!” he yells fading away behind the winds.
“Leave me alone!” she screams with her horse shaken voice.
Turning to make eye contact with the man, she finds that her imagination has gotten the best of her. No one is behind her and only the voice heard is her name carried along with the now whipping blizzard winds. Aleesha, Aleesha. But she was sure that he was there calling for her. The temperature dropped as the snow storm has got worse. Her fingers and toes turned to faint purple, her legs stiffen with every step, and the weight of her body was hard to bear. Her destination now is only miles away. Her two options were to walk through the storm or die under the new falling snow.
“Aleesha where are you?!” the resurrected voice yelled.
“Who is it that calls me?” she said in a raspy tone.
“I am thy dearest Lysander and you madam are my radiant Helena of whom I have come to take home.”
She swerved around to look him in the eyes. And from the thick haze emerged a tall young man with curly blond hair and water blue eyes. Sadly this was not a game her mind was playing for the one she cursed and love was there, flesh and all. She didn’t want to go back to her husband, if anything she wanted to go back to her true home. He followed me into the freezing cold just to take my back to my husband? She thought. It was then that she felt a strong jolt inside her stomach. She winced in pain at her baby’s kick. She was in her 2nd month of pregnancy when she left her husband and was now in her 8th month.
“Your parents are worried and so is your husband. Aleesha please,” he said running up behind her, “be reasonable. I am only here to help you. I….I love you and I want you to be happy. Tell him you want to divorce him because of what he did to you. We can run away together if they won’t let me marry you.” The words he spoke were useless on her for she would have married him years ago had he asked. As much as she tried there was still no way of escaping this nightmare. She had remained so angry with him and it still hurt to even be around him. But the hurt she had soon melted away and a new emotion formed, rage.
“Trenton Moore, you sicken me with such words. I have held my tongue for three years but I shall not longer. You sir are no gentleman but you play your part well. You say you are my Lysander and I am your Helena, but you sir are Bottom. You are the most selfish, inconsiderate, controlling, deceitful man I have ever met.” she cried.
As Aleesha turned to walk away she tripped. Her body plunged onto the hard ice ground and her head collided with a large bolder. After walking for so long her legs at last had given out and her world quickly went black. Trenton ran toward her and knelt beside her. Though he called he name repeatedly she gave no answer or any sign of hearing him. He knelt down and began to cradle her in his arms like a baby.
Another husky voice yelled from the distance saying, “Trent, Have you found her?”
“Yes, she is unconscious” Trent replied.
“Bring her to my carriage. We will ride in to town and rest for the night.” The other man commanded.
He knew that taking her to carriage would be the ultimate betrayal to the woman he loved. She clearly stated the she didn’t want to be with the man, but he had no choice. It was the duty of a rich young woman to marry whom ever her parents choose for her and everyone knew that. He took the lifeless young woman in his arms and made his way to the carriage. A man with dark hair, medium build, and medium height, held the door of the carriage open. Trent did as he was told and laid Aleesha on the seat in the carriage.
“You don’t deserve her and you know it.” Trent retorted at the man.
“And you do?” the man replied.
“That is not-”
The man interrupted Trent, “You left her and the proposal was set before me. I only want the child inside her. If it is a boy he will be mine and she can live any way she pleases. But will not let her take what is mine.”
“But what if a deal was made.” said Trent
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Zinkyre reviewed Version 1 -
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carolinahermit reviewed Version 1 -
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Smeezer reviewed Version 1 -
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You dont give me enough back story to understand what is going on. The little you do give reveals a little information about the protagonist, but not enough to make me care about her. You’re very descriptive, the scenes seem real, but you could be more succinct in your descriptions, I think.
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BambiPurrs reviewed Version 1 -
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The beginning threw me off a bit…I read too many ‘her’s …try finding other ways to express that maybe. Also, using ‘thin’ twice in one sentence to describe two different things was redundant. I know it sounds picky, but for a beginning of a chapter, it just threw me off.
Otherwise, once I got the rhythm, I enjoyed it. What happens!!??
cognitivefusion reviewed Version 1 -
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this is an entertaining piece, although it almost reads like a parody of a traditional romance -- which I am not sure if that is what you were going for or not -- but it seemed very contrived, but deliberately so. not quite sure what to make of it really.
grammatically, it needs to be reread, and reread and again. In the first couple of pages it kind of jumps from past tense to present tense, which I think present tense works better for the intensity of the first fiery scene.
The dialogue is a little ubelievable as well, since, I assume this is supposed to be in a different, past era, and it doesn’t seem consistent with literature of that time period, which, if the exposition is not worded as such, the dialogue at least needs to be. On that note, I like the Hemingway-esque reportorial and direct way you describe the scene and set everything up. . .kinda tells the audience everything that is going on without a lot of fluff, which is refreshing for a “romance”. I hope this review helps a little.
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