Thanks for the review!
I’m a Pagan myself…well, sort of. I have too many ideas about the world, but I guess it’s the closest to my beliefs.
I was tired of how people stereo-typed others with beliefs similar to mine…then again, I live in a predominantly Mennonite city, it’s bound to happen.
I’m not quite sure how I’m going to continue with this story either, I’ve had writer’s block for some time. Wish me luck!
Thanks again.
Young Adult / Chapter 1/Intro of Story
Hey there, the name’s Tony. First off, I’d like to say…or think…that I’m not terribly sure why I’m talking to myself in my own head. Maybe it’s all the first person novels I’ve been reading, maybe it’s that, I wish someone would answer back, just listen, or even give me some pointers? Nothing? Didn’t think so.
I’ll grasp to invisible strings here anyway, and I’ll play along in my own little fantasy.
Well, where to start? You already know my name, well…part of it. My full name’s Tony Antonius Smith. This is why I just go by Tony, it’s easier and quite a bit less embarassing. To understand my name, you’d have to know my parents, but they’re not that hard to figure out. My mom’s a controlling, athiest bitch. She always told me to respect my elders, but it’s honestly the only word I can use to describe her. My father is an egocentric, eccentric moron that does whatever he’s told and spites my mother behind her back. I bet you can bet which part of my name he chose.
I’m pretty much your average teenager in high school. My friends are few and far in between, but some of the best you could ever ask for. I’m not a geek, but neither am I a jock; I’m happily a nobody, stuck between classes where nobody recognizes you. Excellent.
I also work part-time at a small fascist establishment that the government likes to call a “fast food restaurant”. I promise myself it’ll only be until I graduate, but every day feels like graduation is slipping farther and farther away. I’m pretty sure as soon as that square hat hits my head I’ll be miles away from here, take after my dad and establish an ostrich farm or equivalent. ”$5 to ride the ostriches!”...No, that’s stupid..”$3 to ride the ostriches!”..muuchhh better.
I’m definitely a completely normal kid..well, except for one thing. I’m a pagan. Yes, that’s right. The belief system that so many people fear, misunderstand, and generally stay 5 feet away from and poke at with insults and ignorant slander. Before we go on; I don’t worship Satan: no, the pentagram is not used for ritual sacrifices and drinking the blood of goats: no, I won’t put a curse on you for bugging me (it’s easier watching you squirm believing I will!), and no, I’m not a freak that will try to convert your children into disbelieving a religion that’s forcefully converted too many other religions to count (but that’s my opinion). I would never dream about telling my parents, considering my mother finds any religion ignorant and pathetic, while my father’s brain cell count is far too low for any advanced thinking patterns such as religion, or..putting on a tie.
My grandparents live down the street though, and not only do they know my secret, but they’re a part of it. They’re possibly the coolest grandparents I’ve ever known (or had. Heh), and as you can guess I spend a lot of time there.
Now, here’s the kicker. I live in what I like to call a “bible belt”. Free-thinking including religious thought is disbarred, censored, and dismissed as “hoaxy” unless, of course, it’s based on Christianity. Let’s just say the library is one step from getting rid of all copies of Lord of the Rings because it takes place in a fantasy world that misconstrues the minds of little ones that there might be something out there other then this pitiful excuse of a carnival we call a town. And, well…my girlfriend is probably one of the most devout Protestants I’ve ever seen. Her name is Jessica, and she preaches the Bible like it was the cure for cancer, HIV, and world hunger all at the same time. She doesn’t know I’m pagan, and she’ll probably never know, at least if I have anything to say about it (which, of course I do!)
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rsaioxkreual reviewed Version 1 -
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LexiLane reviewed Version 1 -
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-So my first thought wad that the first paragraph sounded incredibly cheesy…until I realized that seems to be the manner of the character – and it works. So you proved me wrong there and I was able to get a pretty good sense of who Tony was rather quickly.
-’Before we go on; I don’t worship Satan..’ I don’t believe a semi-colon is the correct punctuation here, as the first part of the sentence could not stand on its own. I think a comma would work much better…and I did not understand the use of the colon(s) in that sentence as well…of course maybe you have good reason and would be able to explain their use!
-I think you’ve got it right in putting this under the YA category – from this passage, at least.
-Obviously I have no idea where Tony or his story is headed as the piece is so short, but it held my attention and it seems you are going in a good direction.
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FrakKevin reviewed Version 1 -
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Cool a religious story…a controvertible one at that. You’ve educated me in this short piece, never knew what a pagan was and is interested in the character. I want to know why he’s pagan and see how he handles people pre judgments about him. I’m also intrigued about what the plot of this story would be. Every character you’ve introduced is unique especially the girlfriend. The fact that she doesnt know about his religion makes me ponder how they both interact around each other. looking forward to reading more
IndyWalsh reviewed Version 1 -
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“Hey there, the name’s Tony. First off, I’d like to say…or think…that I’m not terribly sure why I’m talking to myself in my own head.”—I’ve never really been a fan of this type of beginning. I think you can write a first person novel well, without beginning like this. [This being, ‘Hi there.. I’m such and such..’] To me, it just seems very juvenile.
You could begin the second paragraph with “My full name’s Tony Antonius Smith.” The sentence before this is a little wordy, and not needed. You could then go on by saying, or asking, as asking gives a reaction from your reader: “Can you see why I’d rather Tony? Yes, convenient and far less embarrassing..” Something like that, see how you have the same information but less words? Short. Sharp. Sweet.
“To understand my name, you’d have to know my parents, but they’re not that hard to figure out.” I think you should keep that part, but save introducing the parents until they’re, well, introduced. Maybe if you assure your audience that we’ll meet them later and then show the characters dislike somehow without telling us why.
When you introduce the parents have them directly being introduced, like, have them say something or do something that directly affects the character. The mum for example: Calling for breakfast or nagging that his room is messy, something typical and then introduce the character “Yeah, that’s my mum. She’s a … blah blah blah..” and then whatever you have to say about the mother followed by something that proves that. I’d follow the same format for the father. It just seems more interesting when the readers/audience know who your talking about.
“I’m not a geek, but neither am I a jock;”—I’d show why he isn’t classes as these. is it because he’s not smart enough to be a geek? Or because he hasn’t got the muscles to be a jock? I don’t know too much about classes, so I’m going to leave that one wide open to you.
“I’m happily a nobody,”—is he really a happy nobody?
Other than that, your story, or at least the introduction seems like it could stand up well. I didn’t see any issues with it.
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