Poetry / End of Man Upon His Tear (Analysis)

awww. Now wait, a minute all is Not lost. I liked the poem because God is my favorite subject, and It is not true that all mankind will be gone forever.  Some will survive, and there will be a new heaven and a new earth the Lord says.  Some people will live forever on it.  And the Lord will be King over the whole earth.
See? So, there is some hope sir. I liked your poem because as you can see it is very thought provoking:) Thanks.

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July 21, 2008

by Sweettouch

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
271	68.2% (132 votes)	26.3%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
43	F	Walsenburg, CO	December 02

Thank You. Melissa says thank you.

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This isn’t bad.  I know you said you wouldn’t rewrite it, but once your euphoria ends you might take a look at it again.  I think it could be improved and turn into quite a poem.  One thing I noticed, it doesn’t really rhyme in the beginning, and starts in the middle.  When it begins rhyming it sounds much better, in my opinion.  Like line 4 you might change it to something like: “cast from the skies to burn us all.”  I’ve always thought poetry picks up tons of free points just for rhyming, and it’s simple to do.  I hope this helps.  Good luck.

B.

“someday our fate will meet us
in the desperation
of our end”  —Very crisp word choice.

I think your imagery is wonderful in this piece.  I note you stated there’s no re-write on this one but I suggest considering a bit of punctuation modification as I thin it would make this piece the liiiittle bit better (it’s already wonderful).  Something like:

“No this is not the end;
The end of which we shake in constant fear.
Abide we do in this trembling atmosphere,
awaiting the emergency call
of the master’s sacred tear;
hatred consuming man’s heart and soul
each one the true master holds dear. “

Just provides a pace for the reader.

Hope this helps, keep up the good work!
Melissa

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July 20, 2008

by Sweettouch

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
271	68.2% (132 votes)	26.3%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
43	F	Walsenburg, CO	December 02

Please read my profile for my view on punctuationa nd capitalization. :-)

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Not really sure how I feel about this poem.  I liked it and then sometimes I didn’t understand it????  But overall good

depressing. but pretty good. it’s very sound with the imagery you’ve created.
i do think the proficiency of the piece works against it – when talking about
the cataclysm of mankind, i’d like a little more oomph in it. the wording is
safe, almost to the point of being prosaic… you dont need a nuclear explosion
in the middle of it or anything, but as a reader, i want to remember a really
great poem and not so much of an elegy. i rated it 7.

For such a poem of which covers something that hasn’t been proven yet, It does convey good emotion and imagery of the different factors at such a time. Other then that, it’s a bit confusing but it flows really well so, keep it up

This is very deep. Some grammatical errors, in “hatred consuming man’s heart and soul”, it should read “mans’”. My favorite line of this piece is “Or is it cast from soft baby blues” I would actually love to hear how you would expand on this. I know you said there were no rewrites on it, but that line is fascinating and I would love to hear it elaborated more. Especially considering the lines that are above it. This is very good and very relevant I think in the world today. Great Job.      

In poetry, when words come out, they come out!  Good words. In poetry, I never review bad.  Poets write the way they want to.