Thanks… I started on Chapter three… I might need a day or two… Unfortanetly the beginning was all real, but from the two meeting on is all my imagination…so I have problems with the details…
Young Adult / Epic Love Story 2* (Analysis)
Poor Sara, she knew what was coming next, a break-up. So she closed her eyes and let him talk. Bobby kept going on about how unfair it was to her, and how that if she was still single when he was done that he would find her no matter what.
Sara hung the phone up and just cried. She felt like her heart had been ripped out, and she didn’t even know why. Her and Bobby had never been in the same room except the first time they ever met. She tried to call her best friends for some emotional support but neither of them were home, so she called her ex-boyfriend Jeremy. He wasn’t home either, and utterly desperate for someone to talk to, she tried her old friend Jacob. He said he would come see her, but never did.
Sara felt so alone, crying alone in her apartment, with noone to even talk to. She decided to get on Myspace and change her relationship status only to find that Bobby had completely deleted her. She felt so betrayed and depressed that she laid on her bed and fell lethargic.
The next day her best friend Nina called her back to find out what was going on. Sara told her everything, and Nina was so stunned she was speechless. Nina tried to keep Sara busy to keep it off her mind, and would have been doing a good job, but while Sara was home alone at night she couldn’t help but think about Bobby or what could’ve been. She cried herself to sleep for two weeks before she tried to talk to him again.
Sara called Bobby and he answered his phone. They talked for awhile, roughly an hour, and then Bobby said he had some good news. His orders had been changed and he would be able to come see Sara, and wouldn’t be in Iraq so long. Sara was excited, and started to get her hopes up. They continued talking until Bobby started asking her questions about things she had done in the past when they we broken up.
Sara answered every question truthfully, “Did you sleep with other guys?” “Yes” she said. “How many guys?” “Three” she answered. All of a sudden Bobby got really mad, “Three? You slept with three guys while we were together?” “No”, she said quickly, “We were broken up.” Before she could explain everything Bobby had to get off the phone.
Sara didn’t know what just happened. She was mad that he wouldn’t listen to her, upset that he was mad at her, and confused by what had just happened. She waited an hour and decided she was calm enough to try and leave a voice mail explaining everything, but Bobby answered. She didn’t want to talk to him so she said, “I was just calling to leave you a message, I thought you were to busy to talk?” He sounded sad, but said “I am walking, and if you want to just leave a message I won’t answer next time.” “Fine” she muttered and hung up the phone.
She waited a couple hours, and called back during his class time, knowing his phone would be off. She listened to the familiar music, heard the familiar message, and took a deep breath. She didn’t know what she would say, only that she had to find a way to get him to listen to her.
“Babe, I know you are mad, but you have to understand. I didn’t cheat on you. Those guys were after we broke up and before we got back together.” she said. She was almost in tears but she kept going anyway, “I never wanted to hurt you, but you never asked. I would’ve told you anything you wanted to know if you asked. Well, I love you and Bye.”
She hung up, cried, and then went to bed. She was to depressed to do anything else so sleeping sounded nice. Two days later she tried to call him, but he wouldn’t answer. The next day when she was working he called.
Bobby knew Sara was right, and he loved her to much to lose her for good over something so stupid. He spent three days working up the courage to call and really hear what she had to say, but every time he got the courage to talk about it, he lost it. Finally, he dialed her number, but noone answered. He felt his heart drop, and all he could think was that she was screening her calls and he lost her.
About an hour after he called, his phone rang and it was Sara. Quickly he answered, “Hey babe.” “Hi”, she replied back quietly, “I saw you called while I was out. Thought I would call you back.” she said. Bobby noticed she was remarkably quiet, so he said “Well you said you wanted to talk, so lets talk.” After he said that he realized how bad it sounded, but then he heard her voice.
“Look”, she said, “I never meant to hurt you, and those guys were when we broke up.” “I’m not mad anymore, when I thought about I realized it was dumb.” he said. “I just don’t like the idea that your sleeping with guys when we are talking, and trying to work things out like we are now.” “But I haven’t been sleeping with anyone.” she said in her own defense.
Sara knew things weren’t going good, but Bobby thought they were. Finally after an hour they got everything worked out.
Bobby was given new orders for deployment after he had talked to Sara. He was going to have a two week break before he would have to report to base in Texas. He called Sara to give her the news so she would cheer up. She was so excited she could barely contain herself. She wanted to do something nice for him, so she planned to take him to Warped Tour.
Bobby didn’t know for sure when he would be home, but Sara didn’t care. Her months of waiting and years of hoping were finally going to be worth all the tears she had shed. She would finally learn wether or not her love for him was real or not.
The minute Sara saw Bobby get off the train, she jumped into his arms, kissed his cheek, and just smiled. In her mind he was here just to be with her, and she knew that very instant he was worth this wait. They spent everyday together for his two week break. They enjoyed movies, concerts, and each other. They laughed and smiled, but both knew it would end soon.
During Warped Tour Sara’s life became a little more complicated. She started to get really sick, and was worried that she had a flu, and would ruin the rest of the time with Bobby. She kept quiet, only because she knew if she told Bobby, he would take her home and she was having to much fun.
Three days later she was still getting sick, after every meal, and even if she wasn’t eating. She kept hiding it from everyone, Bobby especially. She wanted him to enjoy his break, not try to make her feel better. Sara looked at the calender and noticed something strange, her period was supposed to start today, but it didn’t.
Two days later her cycle still hadn’t come, and birth control made it so predictable. Sara started to get scared. Was she pregnant? She grabbed the phone and called her best friend, Nadia. “Nad… I need to go to Wal-Mart. Pronto. It is an emergency. I might be pregnant.” she said in a panic. Nadia freaked out, “I’ll be right over.”
They drove to the store, and stood in front of the pregnancy tests for a good twenty minutes, both girls silent. “Just take a test Sara, if it is negative then you will relax, if it is positive, then at least you know.” Nadia picked out the best test available, but then Sara grabbed three more, “Just in case” as she said to Nadia.
The two drove home, and Nadia waited in Sara’s bedroom for her to come out. Sara took the test, waited a minute, and then left the bathroom. She entered the room and saw Nadia sit upright. “Not yet. It still needs another minute or two.” Sara said. She sat down and Nadia put her arm around Sara, and they waited.
After five minutes had passed Sara flipped the stick around. “Sara, is it positive or negative?” Nadia asked after no response, but Sara didn’t say anything. Nadia grabbed her hand and saw the little plus sign, and now she knew why Sara wasn’t speaking. “I’m sorry” Nadia said, “I know that’s not the answer you wanted.”
Sara’s eyes began to well up with tears as she sat on her bed. Even though her best friend was sitting next to her, she never felt so alone. Nadia was a mother already, but the father was with her. Bobby was going to be her child’s father, and he might never be coming back to her. If something happened to him, she would have to raise a child alone.
Nadia knew Sara had a lot to think about, but she broke the silence to ask the question she knew Sara was thinking so hard about, “Are you going to tell Bobby?” Sara thought about it and finally said “No. He has enough on his mind without this. He will be safer if he has his mind on his work, and not on me.” Nadia knew she was right, but felt Bobby had to know.
In Nadia’s eyes, Bobby may not be her ideal guy for Sara, but he made her happy. Nadia also knew they really loved each other. Nadia felt that it was up to her to keep the pair together, even if she had to tell Bobby the truth behind Sara’s back. Sara might not like it, but it was the right thing to do.
The next day Sara and Bobby had a good-bye picnic before they were driving to the airport. Sara was so distant that Bobby knew something was wrong. “Babe, what’s wrong?” he kept asking her. All he kept getting was a quiet, “Nothing”, but he knew that wasn’t the truth. Before they packed up to leave Sara said, “There is something on my mind, but you know me, I will tell you in time. Timing is key” Bobby knew she was right, that was just who she was, hide the bad until the right time. “Ok. Just tell me when your ready.” he said, but really he was hoping she would tell him before he left.
The ride to the airport was silent and long, and Sara had tears in her eyes the whole time, fighting back tears. She was torn between telling him her secret, and trying not the trap him. She truly believed that if she told him that he would feel like he had to stay and be with her, even though they weren’t dating. They broke up, and she only wanted to be with him if he wanted to, not because he felt he had to. Little did Sara know that seeing her these past weeks and not being with her was killing Bobby. He wanted them to be together forever, but he thought he was protecting her by not dating her right now.
Sara knew her secret would change things, Bobby would probably freak out and want to marry her before he left, which was crazy. They weren’t ready for that, and something so drastic would only hurt them more. Sara wanted them to wait until the timing was right to start something serious. Now was not that time, Bobby was leaving in less than an hour, and she had to stay.
Even though he broke things off so she could have a free life while he was gone, Bobby still felt upset at the thought of her in the arms of some other guy. He couldn’t help but hated this whole situations. He wished there was a way he could stay, especially when he looked into her eyes, they may be distant and in deep thought, but those brown eyes were full of tears and it broke his heart.
She was wearing a cute dress that she made, and it fit her perfectly. He couldn’t help but think how incredible she looked at that moment, even though she was crying. He saw how bad she was hurting and grabbed her to pull her close. Her head was rested in his chest and he never wanted to let go. He wanted to hold her forever, make her stop crying, and never leave her, but he knew he had to leave for Texas. He boarded the plane, and looked back at her standing there, she was fighting back tears but no matter how much it hurt her, she was there for him, and it made him so happy.
Bobby boarded the plane and sat in his seat, and cried. Sara sat down on a bench, looked out the window at his plane, and said “I’m pregnant.” She never meant to say it, and he never meant to cry. But after it was done they both felt like a weight was lifted off of their shoulders.
Sara had never said those two words out loud, or even in her mind. She hoped to wake up and find it all to be a bad dream, but now she saw it was real and really happening. Sara sat there, thinking, waiting, searching for some answer to all this. While she was sitting there a man sat down beside her, Sara didn’t even notice. He saw the look on her face, pure terror mixed with depression, and felt his heart go out to her.
The man had on an Army uniform, and he was very tall with dark hair. When Sara noticed someone was looking at her she looked up and saw his uniform. Almost instinctively she clutched her stomach and cried. The man felt so bad to have upset the young lady, so he tried to console her.
“What’s wrong young lady?” he asked. Before she could stop herself she blurted out the whole story, “My boyfriend, or my ex-boyfriend, whatever he is, just boarded that plane and he is headed for Iraq. Now I find out I am pregnant with his child, and he doesn’t even know.” They talked for twenty minutes, in which Sara told the man who Bobby was, but the man hid the fact that he knew Bobby. The man thought if Sara knew they were friends, she might clam up and not talk anymore.
When Sara was completely calm she thanked the man, and left the airport. The man tried to call Bobby to tell him, and so was Nadia. Voice mail after voice mail was being left for Bobby, but he didn’t have his phone with him. “Bobby, it’s Nadia, Sara is pregnant. She won’t tell you because she is scared. You needed to know though. Call me.” “Bobby, it’s Mike. Dude, your girl is having a baby, she just told me. She don’t know we are friends but she is a wreck. I think she might get rid of it. You need to call her and talk to her. Be careful though, she is really messed up.” “Bobby, I have called you like five time, it is Nadia, call me. It is urgent. Why aren’t you picking up? Just call me ASAP.”
Sara got into the car and heard a strange buzzing noise. She checked her cell phone and she had three missed calls. She checked the caller id and saw “Nadia”, “Mom”, and “Number Unavailable”. But then she still heard buzzing, and checked around the car. On the floor of the passengers side was Bobby’s cell phone. It had sixteen new voice mails, twenty-two missed calls, and eight text messages, all from “Nadia” and “Mike”. Sara knew Mike was Bobby’s best friend from basic training, and she could only guess why Nadia was trying to reach him, to warn him.
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JamDive reviewed Version 1 -
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I must be honest, you have a lot of work ahead if you want to publish this. The events you describe here don’t work well because you have not developed your characters sufficiently. The reader does not really care about Bobby and Sara because you have told us nothing about them. Perhaps you could start this story by showing Sara at work and interacting with co-workers, or something similar? That way we’d see what kind of person she is, and we would start to like her.Then, when her troubles come raining down upon her, your readers will be concerned about her well being, since you will have shown them she is the Good Gal.
“They talked for awhile, roughly an hour, and then Bobby said he had some good news. His orders had been changed and he would be able to come see Sara, and wouldn’t be in Iraq so long.”
The change in Bobby’s orders seems like a pretty important development, yet he and Sara talk on the phone ‘roughly an hour’ before he tells her about it? That seems a little unlikely. I suggest you go back over your material looking for things that do not quite make sense; you story tends to contradict itself in places.
Above all, try to show what is happening instead of telling the story. By that I mean, try to create scenes in which your characters reveal the important details through what they say and do. This helps the reader ‘see’ the story.
Best of luck!
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FrakKevin reviewed Version 1 -
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First of all even though they seem so close, I didn’t even notice that they’ve havent talked in person since the day they met.
WOW I cant believe how much I’m in to this story..hurry and post part 3 I can keep going all day. I thought this chapter was freaking awesome. But I’m getting the guy feeling something bad is getting ready to happen…please give them a happy ending : ( Just like the first once this was nice and simple and the cellphone twist at the end was awesome. I will be reading Part 3 and just know you have a fan
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