Thanks for the review I hope to get more like this.
Novel Treatments / A Threat To Love You/Edit
Ch.1: Lies Leading the Ignorant
No one trusted Briel Malday anymore. Since she was twelve the towns people had always avoided her. It all happened then, at her young age. Her mother had died and the cops had found her next to her mother, covered in her blood. This didn’t help her at all when it came to questioning and going to court. She tried to convince them she was innocent. She told only the truth; how she had lain by her mother and loved her as she died. For what else could she have done? She was only twelve. First they questioned her brother Michel, but he had been at a friend’s house and was cleared as a suspect once they found his story to be true. Then they asked Briel’s friend Karen who had been playing with the ‘murderous girl’ before the tragic death of her mother. Both Karen and her mother had fool proof alibis just like Briel’s brother.
The small town in Missouri began to gossip when the conclusion came up as her being the only suspect. They said she was too young and was possibly lying about not killing her mother, or not telling them about who did it. It wasn’t soon after Karen’s death and the death of her brother that these rumors became fact to the suspicious town’s folk.
This act of avoidance towards her went on until her senior year in high school. The crowds of kids still avoided her and ignored her existence; even more than when she was younger. Gossip piled up when it was spread and soon, more evil things began to darken her family’s name. But it was mostly hers that got ruined. She hated those people with a deep passion. Believing such lies only showed how ignorant they could be. But she also longed to be like those kids; to have friends again, to have someone to talk to and eat lunch with, to fall in love with…
There had been one man in her life that talked to her and that was Kreg Crowen. The officer always first on the scene, first to judge, to question… He was a deceiver, someone who could easily control how others saw someone else. Ruin the purity of a young girl with such lies as being a murderer and at the same time have the praise of the town for solving all his cases. He was highly looked up to by the towns people, but not to by Briel. To her he was nothing more than the weed that had started all of the rumors that continually stuck to her like a patch of thorns. As she walked down the crowded high school hallway he stood by his office in a proud stance. His arms crossed over his chest as if he didn’t care about anyone lower than him. He was so proud that in public he wouldn’t let any emotion cross his face except for maybe a crooked grin.
Briel continued to walk forward, hoping that she could just walk past him like she did so many other days in her life, and not have to deal with him. But as she passed him his arms moved from the position on his chest to touch her slender shoulder. She stopped her heart hammering in a slight fear as she felt his hand on her shoulder, but she didn’t turn around to look at him.
“Briel,” He said, “I trust your day has gone well so far?” He didn’t wait for her to respond when he answered. “Good. I’ll need to speak with you in my office.”
Her mind raced. If she went into the office she would be alone with him, and that was something she didn’t want to experience. In public he was scary enough. “We can talk out here.” She stated her voice holding a strong tone.
Kreg’s brownish green eyes gave her a stern and commanding look. “I don’t think you want people to hear-“
Briel smiled sadly as she turned to look at him with harsh blue eyes. “You have already ruined my life Kreg. What more can you possibly do?”
His mouth twitched as he held back a smile and without further interrogation he grabbed her elbow and dragged her into his office harshly. Once inside his office she couldn’t help but feel an impending doom fall upon her. She yanked her arm away from his filthy grasp. Not once did she ever care for him touching her like he knew her.
“I’m going to miss my fourth block class.” She stated trying not to show how nervous she was and hoping he would think about releasing her.
The broad and sinister smile that he had tried so hard to hold back in the hallway spread wickedly across his horribly beautiful face. “I’ll write you a note.”
Kreg led her to sit in one of the cushioned chairs in front of his desk with his hand on her lower waist. When she refused to sit down his large hands went to her shoulders and forced her down on the chair’s cushion. As he moved his hands away from her shoulders one purposely traced across her neck, and moved her hair to the side. The movement made her shiver in disgust and she moved to fix her shoulder length brown hair. Kreg sat in his leather chair and crossed his arms across his chest looking and most likely feeling superior.
“As I was saying I need to speak with you. There will be a new student coming here. As you well know our town is small and we don’t normally get any visitors so I would like us to have a good impression on him-”
“What does that have to do with me?” Briel asked curiously.
Kreg continued on as if she hadn’t spoken a word. “I want him to see the best of this school, and I would think it best if you stayed away from him. We wouldn’t want him getting a bad reputation by you trying to ruin him. So I want you not to speak with him, look at him, don’t even think about him. In fact, I want you to pretend he doesn’t even exist.”
Briel got angry at his assumption that she would purposely try to ruin this person’s life. “Why not?” She asked standing as she had become flustered, there had to be a better reason then just her past.
Kreg stood his hands balling into fists as he did. She began to get nervous all over again at his angry stance. “Because you’re a killer, we all know you did it Briel! I don’t want it happening again!”
She sat down as if he had pushed her with just his words. She was angry, sad, and disappointed at what Kreg said. It was only about her past as it always was. “But I-I was acquitted, I didn’t do it.” Her lip quivered in a deep frown on her face. Her hands immediately went up to her face to hide her inner tears in shame and embarrassment. Never had she broken down in front of Kreg before. She had always tried to seem strong and now she had become weak.
Kreg walked over to her and ran his hands through her soft hair. He leaned her forward to lay her head on his chest where he knelt down in front of her. She felt her stomach knot in disgust as he spoke, his hot breath running against her ear where he leaned intimately close to her.
“I know you didn’t kill your mother, brother, or Karen.” Shock struck her as he released the truth to her. She stopped crying as her sickness towards Kreg became worse, every word he spoke becoming roaches that crawled over her skin and into her ear. “But they don’t.” He pulled away from her just enough to remove her hands from her face. She didn’t move and she didn’t look at him as he ran his callused fingers across her cheeks to wipe away her tears in a fake sort of kindness. “They don’t know better, they’re ignorant to the reality of this cruel world. You know why? Because they listen to everything I say. Not some twelve year old girl.”
When his eyes became set on hers she couldn’t help but look up at him. She was caught. Damn him for being so beautiful. She said to herself. His hands went from holding her lovingly at her face to running down to threaten her neck. “Don’t mess up Briel.”
She wasn’t sure if it was a threat and if he would go on it, but at that moment she didn’t want to find out.
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mommiehoneycomb reviewed Version 1 -
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overall the premise and idea are great! i like that we know that the cop is crooked however, let the hints be more sublte in your revisions. let us know about his crookendness (not a word by hey it works) by his actions not you the narrotor telling us. i do want to know more about the new student i see a possible love story. just remeber let it flow don’t lump them together too fast (kinda like real life) let it grow into something. also, i want to see how the cop ties into the overall mystey of her mother’s death. keep up the good work.
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nubadunk reviewed Version 1 -
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Hey I liked it! How do I know; I read passed the first page. Your writing is strong (A few comma’s here and there but not many) and you can tell a story! I like your work and look forward to reading some more. One question, did Kreg kill the mother or what? Is this finished?
Buttons reviewed Version 1 -
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A very promising start to the story! I’m intrigued as to what happens next which is always a sign of something well written! There were quite a few grammatical errors in there – I’ve picked up on most of them I think. Don’t be offended by my list, as I said it’s a very promising start and I’d be happy to read other chapters.
“Since she was twelve they have always avoided her” you change tense in this sentence. It should be ‘had’ rather than ‘have’.
“how she had lied by her mother” as you are talking about telling untruths the word “lain” may be better than lied. (And I think is the correct term grammatically)
‘full proof alibis’ should be ‘fool proof’
“She hated them with a deep passion.” Who’s ‘them’? I assume you mean the town’s people, but as it is it could mean her family!
“being a murder” murderer yes?
“Kreg lead her” wrong homophone I’m afraid! It should be ‘led’.
“I would like us to be a good impression on him-” is slightly clumsy phrasing. To have a good impression, or to make a good impression would be more elegant.
“I know you didn’t kill Karen, or your mother and brother.” From this line I assume that Karen and Briel’s brother are also dead. If this isn’t true it should be changed, and if it is I would still advise changing it as it is a strange way to introduce the fact and makes the reader wonder what they have missed. I had to go back and skim through to check I hadn’t skipped a part!
“their ignorant” should be ‘they’re ignorant’
wise2owls reviewed Version 1 -
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Powerful, impressive is what this reader says. Briel Malday being falsely accused of killing her mother. This is a truly moving short story. I feel for this young person, very moving, emotional. The way she describes how people look at her even though she was acquited was horrible. This is an emotional piece. Thank you.
sjvance reviewed Version 1 -
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was cleared of charges once they found (Maybe put “cleared as a person of interest” or “cleared as a suspect”) what you have means he was arrested and charged with the crime.
She hated them with a deep passion (reword sentence, who is “them”)
“I know you didn’t kill Karen, or your mother and brother.” This sounds like she killed three people, reword it some.
Has a good story behind it, just needs some touch-ups. Clarity just needs to be refined. :)
DC_Karma reviewed Version 1 -
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The story seems to have a good backbone. The scene with Briel and Kreg was really good. The beginning reads a lot like an info dump, though, and uses a lot of tellng and very little showing; I’ll list a few examples below. However, I found myself engaged with the characters at the end and am interested to know more, so that’s a good thing!
One though would be to start off with the interactive scene in the beginning to really grab the reader’s attention.
Here are just a few examples of ‘telling’ rather than ‘showing’:
“She hated them with a deep passion.”---“She couldn’t wait to get out of this town. The way the people here treated her had created a raging and passionate resentment within her.” Off the top of my head, but I hope it still makes my point.
“He was so proud that”-telling
“She yanked her arm away from his filthy grasp. Not once did she ever care for him touching her like he knew her. ”—This is a great example, because the first sentence does a wonderful job of showing, and then the second is telling, and both are pretty much saying the same thing.
“made her shiver in disgust”
“She sat down as if he had pushed her with just his words. She was angry, sad, and disappointed at what Kreg said.”—another one where the first sentence ‘shows’ us everything that the second sentence ‘tells’ us.
A couple of other noted things:
“every word he spoke becoming roaches that crawled in over her skin and into her ear.”—-great line! (lose the ‘in’ after crawled, it will read easier.)
“nothing more than the weed that started all of the rumors that stuck to her like thorns.”—another great line! Really good imagery.
“He was highly looked up to, but not to Briel.” not to = not by
“how she had lied by her mother”—lied is the wrong word. Unfortunately, I don’t know the corect one, either laid or layed or lain, lol. Try to get another opinion on this to find out.
“Since she was twelve they have always avoided her. It all happened then, at her young age.”—somehow these sentences didn’t seem to flow well. IMPO, it would read more smoothly, something like (again, off the top of my head, just trying to help you realte to what I mean): ”Every since she was twelve, the townspeople [you use ‘they’ and ‘them’ a lot, try to come up with a few other phrases to use] had actively avoided her. When she was nothing more than a young child is when it all began.”
Keep writing! I hope to see more of it :)
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