Hey man, thanks for the critique! I’m going through with all the review ideas and am going to upload V2 here in a bit. I really appreciate your time and am in agreement with/ will use you suggestions.
thanks!
Young Adult / Dog Fight Rough draft intro (Analysis)
The sun had reached its peak, glistening within a crystal-clear sky, and sending jets of hot rays back down to earth.
Summer had only just begun to show its face to the farmland. Almost a square mile of corn crop ripened itself beneath our hill, and on most days, I would trot through it in search of a shady spot to lie in and sleep off the heat of the day.
Today, however, had proceeded a bit adrift from my normal schedule; I instead found myself residing in the barn, lying on a bale of cool hay, body relaxed and ears keen to the sound of my brothers wrestling.
Even for pups, they played viciously, black coats flashing to and fro along with white teeth and orange-socked feet. My littermates were an unusual batch for sure.
My three brothers never strayed far from their food bowls; jowls always salivating hungrily even right after eating. Their one-track minds stuck only to wrestling, biting and pulling skin and neck napes until exhaustion crept over their eyes like a veil. I was usually not a participant in such activities, but when I did feel the mischievous twinge combating my better judgment, I knocked all three for a loop. No one matched my strength.
However, my three sisters had none of this, lying lazily on the back porch of the human shelter and far as they could get from us. The slew of young females begged for scraps, rubbed against the humans for attention, and were overall whores for petting hands.
Occasionally they and I crossed paths in the cornfield or barn, but never exchanged more than a glance.
A noise rang in the distance, calling through the property more clearly than a foghorn, and I rose with curiosity. My two fighting brothers paid no mind, only continued to snap at one another’s ankles, oblivious. I was not alone though in having heard something unusual.
Dacian had not been fighting and stared through the barn door with myself, ears pricked for the sound. Again it roared to us in echoes. Dacian and I tore off down the hill snarling, through the cornfield without hesitation as our voices called out to warn the humans we saw fit to protect.
The gravel road that twisted away from our property was no longer vacant in its absurd distance because a sleek machine was headed toward the farm. We had, of course, seen these machines before carrying humans to and from the farm; I’d even ridden in the back of one before. However, this was not familiar, a strange new vehicle that could mean a barrage of things ranging from nothing to danger.
My sisters stood on the front porch with focused expressions but did not follow. Dacian and I caught up with the machine easily, chest muscles throbbing to propel us forward as we chased it along the path. My brother and I yelled, barked, called and snapped at the thick rubber tires threateningly as we followed it all the way to our human’s shelter. It was at the doorstep that this monster finally stopped.
My sisters resumed their uncaring positions in the shade and dismissed the vehicle as soon as its noise discontinued but Dacian and I remained weary. It was our job.
The human finally emerged from her shelter; wavy blond hair messed about beneath a straw hat as her emerald eyes washed over the machine with a look of recognition. Hannelore placed a shovel no bigger than her own hand into the front pocket of her overalls and smiled with unusual warmth.
Finally torn from the daze of excitement and wrestling, my other two male siblings came down alongside me. The machine’s door screeched open and a human stepped down cautiously, eyes fixed on us with the knowledge that we were strong and saw him as a threat.
It was then that I caught sight of something moving about in the truck bed, black fur raised and a pair of brown eyes focused directly into mine. The human raised one hand to wave at Hannelore before throwing his door closed and stepping around the vehicle. My brother Nasir followed him curiously, watching the man human drop his truck’s tailgate and lift an animal into his arms.
Dacian began to snarl defensively, until the scent wafted to him of an elderly canine, and the noise ceased respectfully. Hannelore looked at the beast as her friend set its four legs on the ground.
It was a Rottweiler, toothless and stiff as a board as it walked on seemingly peg legs. His face was riddled with scars, legs twitching with once-upon-a-time muscles as it stood alongside the man human loyally.
Nasir, Dacian, Kale, and myself circled the new dog, noses twitching viciously at his scent and the strange familiarity it held.
It was Kale that first understood, yipping loudly and lowered his front end onto the ground playfully.
Then I panted with excitement as well, recognizing the scent because it was half of my own. This beast, weak old mutt, was my father. The four of us nipped and rubbed affectionately against him, stub tails wagging in a fury.
“Aw well isn’t that cute, family reunion,” Hannelore grinned, leaning against the porch beam and watching us.
“So I take it, Ken, that you’ve finally come to make a decision huh?”
The man human now, identified as Ken, nodded in agreement and looked around at us before frowning with a look of displeasure, “Is that it, only four?”
“There are seven in total.”
“No, I want a male.”
“Ok then yes, only four.”
He nodded and reached out to stroke Nasir’s fur, eyes meeting with hers once again, “Which is the biggest? Have you trained any of them?”
Hannelore only laughed, “I raised then to eight months Ken and that’s about. I don’t know anything about training them like that… I encouraged them to wrestle if that means anything. That one over there, only one with a collar, he’s the biggest.”
A chain glinted around my neck.
“What’s his name?”
“Jericho.”
Hannelore’s face dropped to a grave expression as she watched Ken check Dacian’s teeth, felt the muscle of Kale’s legs, and ran three fingers up my jaw line. It was as though we were being judged and I shriveled away at the feeling of being compared against my brothers for some unknown reason.
She put a hand on his shoulder, fidgeting and nervous as she spoke, “Ken, you know I can get in a lot of trouble for doing this stuff for you. I’m putting myself on the line for you.”
He peered up for a few seconds, then continued to look at the length of Nasir’s stub tail, “I know, I’ll pay this time, I promise.”
“You’re so lucky I’m your fucking sister, I can’t believe that I put up with this.”
There was no reply.
Dacian approached me as Ken released him and it was at that moment that I made the worst decision of my young life, something I would spend the rest of my days in regret for. Dacian nipped at my ankle, then my shoulder with a playful growl and I did not deny him. I wish I had.
Instead I gripped a mouthful of skin from his neck nape and we proceeded to wrestle with average ferocity, until I’d thrown him to the ground on his back. Dacian squirmed and bit aimlessly but I was precise, clamping both jaws over his muzzle, and that quickly the game had been won.
Ken’s focus shot to us as Dacian shriveled away, one hand outstretching as he pointed my way.
“Him!” Ken hissed, “Jericho was it? I want that one there!”
Hannelore shook her head, “Poor bastard.”
Reaching into the pocket of his jeans, Ken pulled out a leather wallet that was worn and faded with age. He removed three pieces of paper from the slit that shown green in the sunlight and handed them willingly to Hannelore, “Three hundred should be fair, right?”
“I suppose.”
“Now, listen to me clearly and do everything I say sis, got it? Make sure every one of these dogs gets fixed as soon as physically possible. Sell the rest, keep them, I don’t give a shit and make sure they go for twice what I just gave you.”
She nodded; eyes no longer dim at the thought of making thirty-six hundred dollars, “Yeah, yeah. Go on, get out of here before I get in trouble.”
“Thank you Hannelore, I owe ya’.”
“You always do,” She mocked, “owe me a lot.”
Ken vanished behind his machine, returning with a length of nylon rope, swiftly moving my direction. I felt suddenly cornered, snarling and snapping my teeth with a click.
My father snarled angrily my direction and Ken had me subdued within second, without much effort required to do so. My strength grew useless as he tied the rope around my collar and drug me across the grass, not caring if I halted and choked, writhed or resisted.
Father ceased growling and left my brothers, leaping with help back into the truck bed. Ken lifted my flailing frame like it were merely a feather and tossed it beside the other dog, rope tied to a bit of metal sticking up from the bed’s closest side. I jerked and snapped in fear, trying desperately to break free with no avail.
“Doesn’t seem Jericho likes you very much,” Hannelore grinned.
Ken only growled under his breath, “Bye.”
I barked again and again into the sky, crying out for her to help me but she nor my brothers or sisters lent a paw. The vehicle began to rumble, growling and shuddering as its engine kicked awake. The older dog only lay down and ignored me, jaws parting in a yawn.
I pulled my head over the side as we began moving, only to see the farm begin to move as well, drifting away from me more and more each second.
The cornfield and barn became distant as I vanished down the gravel trail. Kale and Nasir began to wrestle, Dacian watched, and Hannelore turned on a heel back toward her shelter. I was being torn away, and without me, their lives proceeded no differently.
My heart felt bruised as I collapsed onto the hard surface of the truck bed, eyes wet with tears. My father watched for a moment, then turned away in irritation. I didn’t move for what seemed like hours, days, and years, shriveled against myself. I thought only of Hannelore and her farm.
The truck slammed to a halt and I jumped to my paws, peering over the edge to see where I’d ended up. Something was very different now, a sight that contrasted the farm so bitterly that I was stung with confusion. Lines of human shelters were built side by side with no fields around them, only fences.
Ken’s truck was parked on a patch of gray stone, which was beside a tiny stretch of grass. He came around the side of his vehicle and I snarled a threat, which was merely dismissed as he dropped the tailgate once more and helped his old companion onto solid ground. Next he untied the rope and jerked me from my position and onto the ground, which seemed so far away when I met it with my ribs.
Whimpering and screaming, I played his game once more, attempting to resist the rope’s pull as my claws dug in against the grass, tearing it up. Ken unlatched the gate and dragged me through with my father tailing behind.
A yard was revealed to me, a square of grass that could fit into the cornfield eight or nine times it was so small. Throwing me beside a metal pole, Ken removed the rope finally, holding me still between his legs as he replaced it with something else. A heavy chain glinted with the sheen of my collar and pulled at my neck painfully.
With that Ken moved away, trotting off toward the back entrance of his shelter. My father remained, watching me with strong eyes and an expression that if I looked hard enough past their calloused exterior, I swore harbored pity.
“Lyle! Come!” Ken called.
My father hesitated for only a moment before running as best his old legs could to resume position at Ken’s side. I tried to follow, tearing and chewing at the chain until my teeth stung and threatened to crack. Ken and Lyle slipped through the backdoor, and when it closed, I saw neither again for three months.
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rsaioxkreual reviewed Version 2 -
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Smeezer reviewed Version 2 -
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Dacian had not been fighting and stared through the barn door with myself. Instead of myself, say “me”.
“Dacian and I tore off down the hill snarling, through the cornfield without hesitation as our voices called out to warn the humans we saw fit to protect.” This sentence is confusing. You have a great rhthym rolling here, and this sentence breaks it up, makes the reader go back and read it again. Be a little more clear on what action is happening. Maybe this could be two sentences?
“The human raised one hand to wave at Hannelore before throwing his door closed and stepping around the vehicle.” Which human? Who is Hannelore?
“I raised then to eight months Ken and that’s about.” This sentence is confusing, and I think it may have a couple of typos.
This story is amazing. You do well making seem a little fuzzy, as its from the point of view of a dog, but I think a little clarity in some cases, especially when new characters are introduced, and dialogue or interactions between them commences.
Aside from the few mostly grammatical errors I pointed out, this is amazing. Keep up the good work.
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metaphoricalsimile reviewed Version 1 -
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Instead of “shade spot” shouldn’t it be “spot of shade” or “shaded spot?” Choosing phrases that read naturally is important to engaging the reader.
If lounging in the barn is different from the usual schedule, then you should either mention why the schedule changed, or leave that detail out of the story if it has no effect on the story and is not used later in the story. Otherwise you leave an unanswered question for the reader.
So far the voice of the protagonist sounds haughty and superior, given that, I think it would be more effective if he did not acknowledge humans’ ownership of him. Given that, instead of writing “the humans to which we belonged” why not write, “the humans whom we protected.”
“from point A to point B” seems like too much of a human idiom to me, it helps to subvert the idea that the protagonist is a dog.
The erudite language and complex grammar you use throughout also seems out of place given the species of the narrator.
If Jericho had shown more care and companionship with his family, when he was taken from them it would have had more emotional impact. As this is written, it seemed like he didn’t enjoy the company of the other dogs at all, and the reader has to ask why he even cares that he is being removed from them.
If Jericho was raised on a farm with a dirt road, would he know what “concrete” is?
Static reviewed Version 1 -
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I think this is the best, most intriguing piece of yours that I’ve read. As I’m sure you’re well aware, there are a lot of gramatical and spelling mistakes to be revised. But the plot is unlike anything I’ve read on urbis this far and is done extremely well.
I’m genuinely intrigued as to what happens next. I mean, I’m not stupid; I know Jericho’s going to be trained up to take part in dog fights but Im really interested to read what happens next.
On a completely unrelated note: you like the word dog, huh? (“dogmeat”/”dog fight”). I’m guessing you’re a dog person.
At any rate, high marks!
JessicaBrynJ reviewed Version 1 -
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“Summer had only just begun to show its face against the farmland.”
I think you should change “against” to “to” because it doens’t make sense to show against something. Like, i wouldn’t ever show my body against you, you know? lol
”...through it in search of a shade spot…” Shade spot or shadY spot?
You spelled hay wrong. The hey you are talking about is in “Hey what up meathead?”
“No on matched my strength.” No ONE.
“He nodded again and reached out to stroke Nasir’s fur, eyes meeting wither hers again,” Fix this dahling. <3
What a sad fucking turn of events. All was well and sun shiny and calm, and then her brother comes along and suddenly Jericho is being sold. EPIC imagery. The best you’ve written. I see everything babe, and it’s beautiful. Except for the few word errors i put here it’s absolute gold. <3
Jericho’s observation that their lives didn’t change without him made me sad. =/
“Ken and Lyle slipped through the backdoor. and when it closed, I saw neither again for three months.” You put a period in there man.
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