Sci Fi & Fantasy / Veus Verum - The Fall of Nex (Chapter 2)

Chapter 2: Train-hopping

            The late summer sun shone down through the eager brown leaves that were not content to wait till fall to break free. Rough bark on the tree I sat against dug slightly into my lean back. It didn’t bother me, however, as the smell of freshly cut grass from the Grad Lawn and the sweet songs of birds flooded my senses. The few clouds that hung in the sky rode the gentle breeze, occasionally casting a cooling shadow over me. The hypnotic scratching of my pen on the page in my lap could have easily sent me off to sleep. Instead, my concentration was broken by a voice sweeter than the birdsongs that had me so enamoured.
            “E-excuse me.”
            Looking up from my half-filled page, I slid my glasses back up the bridge of my nose. The girl standing timidly before me had straight hazelnut hair reaching down, just past her shoulders. A single fringe hung just above her green eyes. Light freckles dotted across the bridge of her nose. With both hands she held a small collection of books against the front of her slender thighs – many of which I recognised from my first year.
             “I’m- I’m lost… I’m late for my bio-chem lecture and,” she paused and shuffled nervously, looking down at her feet, “I’m supposed to be—”
             “—supposed to be in LT2.102,” I interrupted. Though appearing calm and collected, both my heart and my mind were racing. Closing the notebook and standing to my feet, I ruffled my short sandy-blonde hair and looked about, gaining my bearings.
             “LT2.102,” I whispered to myself before addressing her, “That’s Mr. Asper’s class – not one you want to be late to, if you can avoid it.” I shot her what I believed to be a comforting smile before adding, “I think I can take you there.”
            From the corner of my eye, I spotted an old man dressed in flowing, dirty brown robes standing several feet away. The top of his head was bald but encircled by long white, matted hair. If it weren’t for the white, blood-stained blindfold he wore, I would have been certain that he was watching us. From underneath the blindfold, two trails of blood streaked over his cheeks, sinking deep into the wrinkles and scars of his face, and down to his chin. The other students simply walked around him as though he were a common sight.
             “That would be great!” the girl broke my focus on the old man. “By the way, I’m….” she paused momentarily, checking her enthusiasm, before continuing again in a soft tone, barely greater than a whisper, “…Lucia.”
             “Sedulus.” I replied distantly. I just couldn’t shake the image of the old man.
             “Sed?”
             “…Huh? Yeah?”
             “We have to go Sed,” she requested with a rather authoritarian tone.
             “Yep, ok.”
             “Sed, we have to go. We have to go now. Sed…”

             “…We have to go,” Veus finished, standing by the doorway to the stairs, leaning against its frame. Sleepily rubbing my eyes, I sat up from the improvised pillow of my slightly torn and blood-stained suit jacket. The fading, warmthless light of the winter sunset cast long shadows through the room from the broken frames of the window and rubble strewn across the floor. We had slept away most of the days’ light – or, at least, I had.
             “…Where?” I asked with a dejected sigh, forgetting for a moment in my exhaustion that I was talking to a cold-blooded assassin of the Verum.
            To my surprise, Veus met my question by shooting an almost sadistic smile back at me over his hood and leather-clad shoulders. It was the kind of smile that implied that he knew something I didn’t. The kind of smile that both reassured me and terrified me in the same instant. Turning back to the doorway, Veus answered.
             “We have a train to catch.” And, without so much as another glance, my captor left the room, down the stairs to the street. Not sure what else to do, I quickly shielded my icy blue eyes with my glasses and swung my dark jacket onto my shoulders as I followed. My head told me to run; screamed out at me and begged me to run. But I didn’t. I simply couldn’t.
            At the bottom of the stairs, the smell of burnt flesh still lingered, though the flames of the over-turned APC had long since died down. Silhouetted by the setting sun, Veus limped away, already several meters ahead of me.

            As night fell, we arrived at a large brick structure. A rickety track, raised high above the ground, exited the station and carved its way through the ruined slums of Southern-Nex. The enormous building appeared to be the epicentre of this war-zone; reaching up out of a circular clearing surrounded by the shattered remains of envious hovels. A mountainous set of slate stairs lead up from the street to the gaping mouth of the monolithic hub, which was toothed by rust-infested turnstiles. Veus stopped at the foot of the staircase and, again, produced a small, leather-bound book from within the jacket draped over his hooded jumper. Retrieving an ink-stained pen from the book’s spiral bindings, Veus quickly scribed several lines before returning the small tome and beginning the ascent up the stairs. With each step, the pain of exhaustion flared through my aching muscles.
            Passing through the gaping arch-way, Veus defiantly vaulted the archaic turnstile. For a man with such a noticeable limp, he was unbelievably nimble. Trying to maintain some semblance of order, I attempted to push my way through the small gate, as was intended by its design. Its out-stretched arms, however, refused to turn the way I had expected them to. My thighs collided heavily with the steadfast barricade and almost caused me to topple over it. Realising just how rust-locked it was, I clumsily climbed over the device and hurriedly scuttled after Veus, laughing quietly to himself.
            The building was composed of a single cavernous room, separated in the centre by the wood and steel train-track. The line, level with the ground of the raised building, was guarded by no more than a thick yellow line painted onto the dusty floor. The walls were dotted with several small alcoves housing dark blue doors – no doubt leading to the more official areas of the station. Our foot-steps echoed loudly throughout the area as we headed toward yet another set of stairs that hugged the brick of the wall, leading to an overpass high above the track.
            Moments before reaching the stairs, I was startled by the sight of an old man slumped into the last alcove. He had a menacing look about him – a certain nefarious gleam in his eye – and appeared to be preparing to pounce. Veus, spotting the hermit, simply held his jacket and unzipped jumper wide, revealing his assortment of blades, and shook his head as a silent warning. The foul-smelling man again receded, albeit unwillingly, into his makeshift hovel. I could still sense him struggling to suppress the urge to attack, as though Veus were merely holding him back with a feather. Totally unmoved by the encounter, Veus never slowed. Laboriously he began to climb the final set of stairs.
            The flight led to a raised concrete walkway with non-existent glass walls and roof. The ominous echo of our steps was now replaced with the resounding crunch of shattered glass beneath our feet as we began to pass over the track.
            Half way across the bridge, Veus stopped suddenly and stood quietly for a few seconds. For reasons I can’t explain, I got the impression that his eyes were closed. Several metres behind him, I followed suit and closed my eyes, attempting to hear something my dependence on sight had concealed. Nothing. I gradually opened my eyes only to see that Veus had not yet moved. Slowly, Veus’ head turned to his immediate left as he appeared to focus off into the distance, out the towering doorway through which the track exited.
             “When the Alliance declared this area of town a war-zone,” Veus began unexpectedly in a soft voice that beckoned me closer, “they were faced with a dilemma. They couldn’t afford to leave the trains running normally, as it would provide the Verum with the means to transport ‘troops’ quickly throughout the war zone. They also refused to stop the trains completely in any way – whether on the tracks or not. They feared that they would provide ‘rebel soldiers’ with cover from which they could ambush unsuspecting Raiders.” He paused momentarily, gripping his left shoulder and rotating his bent arm, causing it to let out several loud cracks. “They wouldn’t hand us an advantage”
             “So what did they decide to do?” I asked with a raised eyebrow after a contemplative pause.
            Veus chuckled slightly. “The only thing they could do; make the trains run endlessly without stops.” After this seemingly redundant revelation, Veus’ tone instantaneously became very sharp as he barked, “Jump!”
            As he turned suddenly toward his line of sight, Veus ran to the edge of the overpass and leapt. His jacket and hood fluttered behind him as he soared through the air. His long dark hair angrily whipped at his face. Was he insane!? With a metallic thud, Veus landed on the roof of the train’s leading carriage. The moment his feet connected, he rolled backward over his shoulder and into a crouching position. He began quickly speeding off into the distance with the train. I paced around nervously for seconds, running my fingers through my hair, muttering how ludicrous this was. Realising that my opportunity was quickly fleeting I sped to the window as adrenaline kicked in.
            I saw solid ground retreating behind me. I felt the air rush through my hair. I sensed time stand still for what seemed like forever. My suit jacket snapped repeatedly in the air behind me. I was flying. For that instant, all worries about being stranded in the war-zone left me; all fear of being captive to the Verum, all memory of the horrific crash that had stranded me here, fear of not having the security of solid ground. It all faded away for those few seconds, before I spotted the last carriage of the train fast catching up with me. My heart sunk. Standing in death’s cross-hairs, all of my life’s regrets echoed through my mind. I wish I had never let Lucia go.

            Blinding pain and a deafening pop brought me screaming back to consciousness. My body convulsed as agony coursed through my body, emanating from my left shoulder. As the pain very gradually subsided to a piercing ache, I felt… straw tickling the back of my neck and tangling itself into my hair. Dreamily staring up into the blue sky in my endorphin-fuelled trance, the rhythmic clunking of the train on the tracks nearly lulled me back to sleep.
            Groggily, I let my head fall to my right. The wooden door of the caboose had been rolled aside revealing a rolling field of rooftops. The high-rises of Nex were nowhere to be seen. The damage to the surrounding buildings convinced me, however, that we were indeed still in The City of Light. Not a single rooftop in sight sat above the tracks. It was as though our train was sailing over a moonlit sea of concrete and debris. With a grunt and plenty of effort, I rolled my head back toward the star-spattered sky beyond the destroyed roof of the carriage and let it fall again, this time to my left. Veus sat in the corner on a small crate, his sight fixed on the horizon. Languidly, he looked down toward me with his expressionless face. The unmistakably stale scent of Senium hung in the air and caused my nose to tingle.
             “When I said jump, I meant to land on your feet”
            Gradually his stern face broke into a vague smile as though he had been trying to hold it back.
             “Wh-what happened?” I asked with little more than a whisper.
             “You dislocated your shoulder. Not too seriously, though I wouldn’t recommend you do it again. We’ll be at Arcis within the next few hours. Try and get some rest.”
             “Arcis Verum!?”
            Surely he was joking. For years the Alliance had been searching for the rebel’s stronghold; Raiders had scoured the war-zones and interrogated countless Verum soldiers trying to find it. For years the Verum had jealously guarded its location. And now, at the war’s peak, I – a government researcher – was being escorted there? I suddenly shuddered; thoughts of all the possible tortures that could be awaiting me at the end of the line raced through my mind. Veus simply nodded before resuming his midnight vigil of the rubble sea.

            I passed in and out of conscious countless times over the hours that followed. Endorphins and second-hand Senium repeatedly sent me off to sleep. However, every single time I awoke in a sweat moments later. My dreams were haunted by images of Lucia – and of the old man. I had never met him before; that I was sure of. Nevertheless, he inhabited my dreams as though he belonged.
            After waking from a restless sleep for the last time, Veus helped me to my feet as he informed me that we were here. To my relief, the track had come to a constant, relatively sharp bend and was forced to slow to a crawl.
            Jarringly, I hopped out of the carriage down to solid ground. The jolt sent a short, sharp pain through my shoulder. Gritting my teeth, my eyes closed tight in an effort to ride out the pain. I focussed my senses on smells and sounds to distract myself from the ache. My ears were met with the sound of running water – a stream or a river. It was a sound that I hadn’t heard since my years at grad school. Feeling a push from Veus behind, I begrudgingly began walking forward blind. As the pain eventually passed into memory, my eyes opened to an incredible sight.
            Two massive towers stretched high, from which a considerably smaller stone wall extended to house countless conjoined gothic-style buildings. The most notable feature, outshining even the watchtowers was an enormous cathedral, no smaller than four stories, with a bell-tower extending high from its roof. As we neared the structure, countless stain-glassed windows became clear – though, from here, I could not make out the images they depicted. Connecting to either front corner were smaller, plainer buildings, made in the same style. Both of these two buildings were all but identical to each other. Unlike the cathedral, these buildings bore two rows of arched windows with clear glass panes. Outside the lofty walls, a deep, wide channel was cut from the paved clearing through which the strong currents of a river coursed in front of the towers like a moat. The place seemed to be abandoned.
            As we neared the causeway linking us to the monumental constructions, the true height of the towers became apparent. It was dizzying to look up at them. However, it was only as I did that I noticed a faint, high-pitched beeping that seemed so out of place. The more I focussed, the sound seemed to be echoing throughout the compound.
            Veus assuredly walked into the centre of the hauntingly empty courtyard. Spinning to face the towers, he raised his empty palms up to their peaks, as though in surrender, his eyes fixed on the twin structures. As I, too, turned to the towers, I spotted several shabbily clothed Verum rebels standing upon balconies in each dark tower. One rebel in each tower stood beside a shimmering gold bell, grasping it’s pull-string.
            From the distance, I distinctly saw one of the rebels salute. Turning to catch Veus’ response, I saw that he was already headed for the heavy wooden door of the cathedral. From all around me, the sound of children’s laughter filled my ears as hidden youngsters emerged from all about the courtyard and followed in Veus’ wake.
            As the towering arched doors creaked open, we stepped we were immediately greeted with a red carpet, running from where we were over floorboards to the raised stage at the front of the auditorium. Only three rows of pews at the rear of the atrium, where we had entered, were divided by the carpet as the rest of the room was empty. Moonlight flooding into the room wore the brilliant colours of the windows lining the walls. A story or two above us toward the front of the hall was a semi-circular balcony, on either side of which two thin red banners hung to just above the floor.
             “Veus!”
            From an archway to the side of the stage came the excited call of a young boy who quickly followed his exclamation. He would have been no older than five. His over-sized clothes rustled as he ran toward Veus who knelt down on one knee as the child neared.
             “Hello Modus,” Veus said softly, catching the child in a hug. Standing to his feet and ruffling the boy’s medium-length auburn hair with a gloved hand, Veus added, “how’ve you been short-stack?”
            Modus simply laughed and nodded – an unspoken ‘good, but better now’. Turning to me, he wrinkled his nose, asking inquisitively, “who’s this guy?”
            It was only now that I noticed the child’s mismatched eyes. His right eye was a shimmering blue, the left a pale green.
             “Hello there Alveus.” The familiar voice of an old lady greeted before Veus had a chance to introduce me. Simultaneously, as though we shared the same name, we turned to the call. What I saw shocked me to the core. It was a face I hadn’t seen for years – I had been certain she had passed long ago. I could tell by the glint in her eye and the sudden loss of happiness from her face that she recognised me too. I tried to speak. There was so much that I had wanted to say for all of that time. However, the reunion and my speech were both stifled by long-repressed anger. In my confusion, only one simple word escaped.
             “Mom?”

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napalmwriter avatar General Stranger

August 14, 2008

napalmwriter

REVIEW QUALITY: 100.0%(1 vote ) personal info reviewer stats
napalmwriter reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

I liked it. Well-crafted story line. Nice variance in sentence structure. Dialogue is smooth. Good descriptives, but heavy-handed in the use of adjectives and, in particular, adverbs. It bogs down the story. Consider trimming out anything that is unnecessary.

Wordy. Ex: she paused momentarily, checking her enthusiasm, before continuing again in a soft tone, barely greater than a whisper—This is a lot of verbiage to say that she paused and whispered. Maybe try something like: “By the way, I’m…Lucia,” she finished in a whisper. It conveys the pause and the tone and the reader can infer the rest.

endlessly without stops. —Redundant.

endorphin-fuelled trance—It would be sufficient to say trance. Careful when talking about endorphins or adrenalin, unless it’s a medical thriller or something. From the character’s POV, use of words like that amount to exposition. Instead, try to describe the feelings/sensations of being on an endorphin high from the character’s POV, rather than just saying it was an endorphin high. Much more compelling.

Lots of qualifiers. Ex: an almost sadistic smile. Drop the almost, it is more interesting without that speedbump almost in there.

malapropist avatar General Stranger

August 12, 2008

malapropist

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malapropist reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

The voice of the researcher is pretty good, though you’re given to quite a bit of overwriting at times with too many adjectives and unnecessary explanations. Two quick examples. If you want more I’ll put them in the comments section:
I shot her what I believed to be a comforting smile could just be I shot her a comforting smile (though shooting a smile isn’t my favorite verb).
In the first two pages you have over 30 adjectives. It’s a bit much, even for lyrical prose.

You use a lot of synonyms, too. Books become tomes, buildings become structures, and so on. There’s no need to abuse a thesaurus. If it’s a notebook, it’s a notebook. A tome is something different, and switching between words makes the writing confusing, not fresh.

Some of the word pairing also needs reconsideration. For example, how does one “defiantly vault”? How is that different from regular vaulting? Make sure the words you’re using are as precise as they can be. The biggest drag on this piece isn’t the story or the characters, but the language.

That being said, the voice is appropriate (with revision).

I appreciate how you work in some of the history of the world you’re creating as details in the scene rather than exposition. Though the two characters do a lot of traveling, I can put together pieces of this world based on Sed’s observations. This is much better than telling what happened explicitly and without context. This is a common pitfall with SF work, and you navigate it admirably. Good job.

On page 3, Sed has the urge to run, and he has the perfect opportunity on p. 6 to get away as Veus speeds away on the train. Either Veus needs to throw him on the train first, or you need to give him a reason to get on the train. Maybe the menacing, nefarious, foul-smelling hobo can be coming after him?

Your narrator loses consciousness 3 times in this chapter. That’s kind of dangerous for momentum and storytelling. Whenever he’s out, the story stops. The dream at the beginning is fine, but be mindful of how often he passes out. The narrative then becomes him telling us that he passed out and woke up, which isn’t moving the story forward.

The plot of this chapter is them moving from point A to point B. They aren’t encumbered or challenged in any way. It’s always a good idea to frustrate your characters in some way. It doesn’t have to be monumental and it doesn’t have to have every two pages, but something should break up the monotony of the travel a little. Veus wants to get to Arcis Verum. Sed wants to get away. They have different goals (which is great) but Sed never acts on his goals. Even though Veus seems like a tough Riddick-type character, Sed should still try to accomplish his own goal. It creates dynamic tension and gives you an opportunity to develop the characters in interesting ways.

This review may seem a bit harsh, but I enjoyed the piece and think it has potential. The language stuff can be fixed in revision, or you may be happy with the style. Definitely think about tension and having the characters try to reach their goals when the opportunity presents itself, though. It will make this pretty good manuscript all that much better.

DCAllen avatar General Stranger

August 08, 2008

DCAllen Prolific-icon-medium

REVIEW QUALITY: 100.0%(2 votes ) personal info reviewer stats
DCAllen reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

The opening paragraph is a bit florid: “eager brown leaves” “sweet songs . . .” I would cut some of these images and perhaps bring them in later if necessary.

The weakness of this story is Character Description.

The dialogue starts off nicely, but again, I think the description of the girl is overwritten: a bit too much too soon. In general, you have a habit of describing characters’ hair colour and length in the same way and in the same places. A more varied character description would improve this story.

OK, I’ll only comment on this once, but I think you could shave a lot in places that are obviously overwritten. An example of this is “I asked with a raised eyebrow after a contemplative pause.” This is IMO too much for a dialogue tag. If you want to discuss this in the comments, I will.

The ending – the narrator seeing his mother – is effective.

Proofreading notes:

“…Where?” (no reason for ellipses before this word)

almost sadistic smile (The word almost in this context almost always weakens the impression. Why not let it be a full-fledged sadistic smile?)

war-zone; reaching up (should be a comma. Rule of thumb: Use a semicolon only when what follows it is a complete sentence.)

lead up from the street = led (if you mean to use the past tense here)

infestation is done by living creatures. Rust-ridden?

arch-way = archway

foot-steps = footsteps

war-zone or war zone (you need to decide)

us an advantage” (punctuation missing)

began quickly speeding off (Why not simply “He sped off quickly . . .”?)

In “My body convulsed . . .” the repetition of body is awkward.

land on your feet” (punctuation missing)

out of conscious = consciousness

Gritting my teeth, my eyes . . . (Dangling participle. The subject of this sentence is “my eyes” which cannot grit teeth. Remedy: “I closed my eyes . . .”)

it’s pull-string. = its

creaked open, we stepped we (typo? Delete we stepped?)

A story or two . . . (If you’re using British English, this should be storey.)

SwordMistress avatar General Stranger

August 04, 2008

SwordMistress Prolific-icon-medium

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SwordMistress reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

This was a pretty good chapter. Flowed better than first and kept my interest through out.

“We have to go Sed,” she requested This doesn’t sound like a request.

“I quickly shielded my icy blue eyes with my glasses and swung my dark jacket onto my shoulders as I followed.” Using “as I followed” implies that everything previous in the sentence happened at the same time he followed. But, unless he had three arms Sed can’t put his glasses on and put his coat on at the same time.

Same as with chapter one, try to limit the use or adverbs.

“non-existent glass walls and roof.” You there aren’t any walls or roof? Then why metion it?

“and of the old man.” The old man that was waiting in ambush or the old man from his dream earlier?

“we stepped we were immediately” something’s missing here.

Great ending to keep the reader wanting more.

catluckey avatar General Stranger

August 03, 2008

catluckey

REVIEW QUALITY: 100.0%(1 vote ) personal info reviewer stats
catluckey reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

You’ve have a plentiful source of words. However, you use tons of adverbs and adjectives which clutter the meaning in your sentences. I have this exact same problem—profuse, overexplained prose that for one perfect moment translates to a confused, bundled, balled-up bunch of information wafting in the stifled air.

Too much.

You have a good story here. Good punctuation. I like Sed and want to read more him and his predicament. Here’s some suggestions.

...improvised pillow of my slightly torn and blood-stained suit jacket… I read this three times and realized his jacket was the pillow. Reword. Make it simpler. Delete: slightly. It’s either torn or not. Rearrange for example: I sat up from my torn and blood-stained suit jacket, an improvised pillow.

Break up your sentences. Though you desire to convey a mood through your words, you’re overworking it. Like this sentence: The fading, warmthless light of the winter sunset cast long shadows through the room from the broken frames of the window and rubble strewn across the floor. (I understood it when I started at …the winter sunset cast… Delete the previous because we know winter is warmthless and sunset means the light is fading.)

Another type:

I asked with a dejected sigh People skip dialog tags and what’s after them. I asked. (that’s enough) Then start your other action. Deleted “dejected”...that’s clutter. You’re explanation will be read in the next sentence.

The next thought is GREAT! It should be a sentence by itself. I love it: forgetting for a moment in my exhaustion…

This needs a lot of cleaning up. Most sentences are confusing. Read this out loud and you’ll be able to hear how your words sound. The ear can catch lots more than our eyes.

During the confrontation of Veus and the hermit, you jump point of views and take on the omniescent voice. If you stay with Sed’s pov, then he wouldn’t know the hermit returned to his makeshift hovel “unwillingly.” You need to display why Sed thinks this guy is returning unwillingly…or Sed just would be guessing.

Writing is so subtle. It takes so much practice and critique sites like this is fantastic to discover what to clean up, enhance, and keep in your writing.

For instance: To my surprise, Veus met my question by shooting an almost sadistic smile back at me over his hood and leather-clad shoulders.

Confusing because info is missing and need to delete almost...also by shooting is passive. As example try:

To my surprise, Veus shot a sadistic smile back at me, his face shadowed by the hood. You can describe the leather-clad shoulders somewhere else because it gives a different focus and it looks like his face is leather clad too.

I like this paragraph of Sed’s leap…it’s so vivid: I saw solid ground retreating behind…

Very nice surprising ending to this chapter. You want to find out about Sed and his life before the war had broken families, separating sides like histories of civil wars.

You can give great exposition, you drive the story forward very well, and your dialog is very good. Just watch out for those adverbs and adjectives…there are too many. And you like passive voice also…use those to a minimum.

Keep up the good writing. (I scored a little lower in attracting an agent or pub only because these pros expect clean, perfected, and grammatically impeccible manuscripts/submissions to their taste.) Success to you.

DragonRider avatar General Stranger

July 16, 2008

DragonRider

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DragonRider reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

Not sure what else to do, I quickly shielded my icy blue eyes with my glasses and swung my dark jacket onto my shoulders as I followed. My head told me to run; screamed out at me and begged me to run.

Okay… I see aproblem  here, though it could jsut be me… You repeate my and me to often here, I would suggest rewording it so it sounds better. For Ex: My head told me to run; screamed and begged me to run.

You slowly started to loose my intrest, but the following passage brought me right in and made me wonder, who is this guy?

As he turned suddenly toward his line of sight, Veus ran to the edge of the overpass and leapt. His jacket and hood fluttered behind him as he soared through the air.

“Mom?”

Okay this is when the reader cries, “WHAT?”

One suggestion… Get a thesaurus, poket sizze is the best, and use it.  I don’t mean to sound rude or anything but the writeing itself is dull. You storyline is great though and I will look for more.

DC_Karma avatar General Stranger

July 11, 2008

DC_Karma Prolific-icon-medium

REVIEW QUALITY: 100.0%(1 vote ) personal info reviewer stats
DC_Karma reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

In the second paragraph, you use the phrase bridge of nose twice.

’...and standing to my feet…’  Standing implies on your feet. Maybe something like,’...stood up and ruffled…’

Oooh!  What’s with the bloody blindfold guy? Curiousity is roiling.

I’m really curious about this abrupt switch from being with the girl at college to being with an enemy….wherever. It is an interesting concept. I haven’t read your first chapter and am sure it is all cleared up there, but do hope to get a better grip of it here; just for curiosities sake ;)

’...days’ light…’   day’s, if you are just implying one day, it is singular possessive.

’...slate stairs lead up…’  led

‘…scuttled after Veus, laughing quietly…’ may  suggest, ‘…after Veus, who was laughing quietly…’ IMPO, this reads much smoother as one sentence.

‘My heart sunk.’  sank I think is the correct tense of this word.

‘…in and out of conscious…’ consciousness?

‘Jarringly, I hopped out of the carriage down to solid ground.’ This reads a bit awkward, may I recommend something along the lines of, ‘I hopped out of the carriage and was jarred as my feet hit solid ground.’

‘…watchtowers was an enormous…’  comma after watchtowers

‘…we stepped we were immediately….’  Is something missing here?

Oh! The end is a great hook, certain to keep readers wanting more. I’d love to come across more of this story. Your world is well plotted and imagery is established wonderfully!  Good job on this!
Thanks for the read!  

Amy152 avatar General Friend

July 09, 2008

Amy152

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Amy152 reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

The only thing that threw me was the line “we stepped we were immediately greeted”. I’m not sure if it’s that way on purpose, or you just accidently skipped a word. Other then that I can find no flaws. It was even more engrossing then the last chapter. I really enjoy Veus’ sense of humor, I laughed out loud at the conversation on top the train when Sed wakes up. Perfect end to the chapter, hooks the reader to turn the page.

caravans avatar General Stranger

July 07, 2008

caravans

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caravans reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

P.3 – ‘envious hovels’. Hovels can not show emotions, so I guess you mean eviable here.
‘rust-infested’ -? Do you mean rusty? And I’m not being picky. You use adjectives incorrectly (look up infest). Of course I know what you mean, but why do it?  So, no more of this type of criticism.
‘They also refused to stop the trains completely in any way – whether on the tracks or not.’ I’m not sure what this means?
P.6 Our hero loses consciousness, jumping the train, at an exciting part. It’s like you turn the TV channel right at the good part.
On p.9 I’m wondering, if the train goes right by the rebel’s place of abode, why doesn’t the government attack here?
This is a good continuation. My only criticism is: after a roaring first chapter there is not much plot advancement or new environment.