can you give me an example of ho you suggest i change the ” for all bad to be good” so that i could have a better understanding of what kind of idea it is that you are trying to convey to me….?
thanks! :D
Poetry / Left There (Analysis)
Left to be a stray
Waiting for the day
The day for all bad to be good
The day to be more understood
Left out in this terrible place
No one for you to look in the face
Feeling like such a disgrace
You feel how you shouldn’t
These feelings are something you wouldn’t
You don’t know what there is left to do
You feel alone, and you feel blue
Everyone has deserted you
They left, no longer your crew
What is left is nothing to do
You can no longer think of where to go
Not knowing what path to take
You have strong feelings, even feeling fake
You can hardly take a breath of air
You no longer really care
When you’re left
When you’re left there
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brokenhand reviewed Version 1 -
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Okay. First of all I think you should say “I” and not “you”. The personal pro-noun “you” feels accusatory. What if I have never felt this way? And this poem is about you, is it not? It will still be relatable using the pro-noun “I”.
Secondly, if you are going to use a rhyme scheme like this, which I would suggest not doing because it makes your poem sound unoriginal, you should insert a meter so that i am not hurrying or slowing down the natural cadence of the line in order to hear the rhyme. To do this, you could make each line the same, or similar, number of syllables.
Good luck with revision.
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JessicaBrynJ reviewed Version 1 -
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I liked the whole rhyme scheme, it didn’t really have a rhythm without it, but it totally worked.
i think you could go places with poems like these.
The last stanza is my favorite. It was an awesome dramatic ending. The kind of quiet bitterness i always like.
MidnightSama reviewed Version 1 -
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This is an emotional piece, clearly. I like this kind of poetry and in maybe the second or third stanzas, I could imagine a slow song with it; yeah I’m weird like that but anyways!
“You feel how you shouldn’t
These feelings are something you wouldn’t” <—These two I would change, the fragments don’t exactly follow the flow of this piece, they should be complete sentences. Maybe something like:
“You feel how you shouldn’t feel.
These emotions are something you wouldn’t feel.” You’re using the word feelings and feel a little too much, touch up more adjectives, add on to these sentences. But I will say that I love your choice of description. Your metaphors give this poem a nice, refreshing touch. I like your writing overall, but you can add on to make it stand out.
Keep writing please! ^^
richardlynn51 reviewed Version 1 -
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We poets all want to be famous overnight..but I’ve found that it takes a lot of work..study “how to write poetry” books..study poetry and revise, re-work, re-do your poems..don’t “fall in love” with your work..write for your reader..study rhythm(meter). learn the rules before you break them..good luck
CharlesB reviewed Version 1 -
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Generally speaking a good poem. You kept with the rhyme scheme, but I feel that the message was downplayed by the rhyming. Sometimes rhyming isn’t necessary and I feel that without it this could have been a much better piece. Overall, I liked the poems wordage, voice, and structure. Maybe you could experiment with not rhyming though…. maybe its just my personal preference.
Mbent reviewed Version 1 -
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You will get no rating from me – rating is for raters afterall, not the rated (ah, so i have to rate his eh? So happens i think highly of all of us at the moment).
But i will tell you this, you the author of this poem. In the realm of feeling is the reality of isolation, in the realm of words is the reality of connection. The power of the authors feelings are undeniable and maybe even the same as those of this reader, but we sit in isolation of one another the words increasing our separation. There is however something in our experience between us that if described might connect us, might let us believe if only for the length of the poem that we are not isolated but of a kind.
an example:
“The day for all bad to be good”
The authors idea of bad or the readers, mine?; the authors idea of good or mine? Without knowing the authors idea of “bad” or “good” i have only my idea, there is no bridge. There is no way for the reader to follow the authors eye from the gutter to the proverbial city on the hill – indeed the author may be looking in the exact opposite direction.
All this nonsense simply to say: turn the word that defines a feeling into a word that creates a feeling.
... that and just write and write and write and write
oh, and read
and listen
and write
thank you for letting me interact with you and your poem,
mbent
CarsonLeonhardt reviewed Version 1 -
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this poem seems very childish and the rhyme shceme seems forced, the entire poem sounds like it was written with its main purpose being only to rhyme. At the end of the poem is says “when you’re left there” where is the person left? the whole thing seems incomplete to me, maybe you could give it some work, or maybe just throw it out completely, its a good poem to base from and start to build more talent, but nothing more than that. Hope this helps some, keeo writing!
carson
StaceyAbigail reviewed Version 1 -
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“These feelings are something you wouldn’t
You don’t know what there is left to do
When you’re left
When you’re left there”
There are a lot of potential here for a great poem but the lines above don’t fit right and they take away from what the first 8 lines started saying. With a little rewriting and better word choice you can hit this one out the park.
Marvin reviewed Version 1 -
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Wow. Sounds like someone was down in the dumps when they wrote this…It happens to the best of us, which is why this piece (and all those like it) are very easy to relate to.
The rhyme scheme is very simple but that’s not to say it’s not effective. It’s just simple, as if each rhyme was the end of a long sigh.
My only criticism is that you need to punch this thing in the heart. Even the grim and dismal needs life, and this work seems to be lacking that. If it’s not dead, it’s on its way out, for sure.
“Waiting for the day
The day for all bad to be good
The day to be more understood”
Wait no longer, my friend. More people understand than you might think. Keep on writing.
tommiejoe reviewed Version 1 -
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It didn’t flow as well as I hoped it would. SOme parts I had to stop and reread becuase it just didn’t work right, or feel right when I read it. It was well written. It just needs a little more fluency to it, but I did like it.
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