Poetry / I am

Hello Miss Chaos,

Open ended poetry. You know this type of poetry is what i crave. What wonderfully dark emotion. The first stanza kicks me right in the head, awesome piece! Please keep posting girl! me…

work on the rhyme scheme. Definitely lengthen it cause you’re going to need to elaborate the poem and its ideas more to make it much more appealing.  I liked the language and the voice in the poem and feel that you could have some better poetry if you maybe had a better vocabulary or knowledge of poetry.

sorry if I was cruel, but I’m just trying to help.

This piece is very good, in my opinion, because it is so up for interpretation. The abstract and vague concepts make it easily applicable to most readers and thus they feel that they can relate and are impacted. Keep up the good work, I enjoyed the rhyme and flow as well!

it should be a coldplay song or something. it’s longer than i expected and that shows a lot of energy. the poem is like a message to someone and the rhymes are just perfect. the poem just flows from beginning to end with gripping and never ending exciting interest. i’m in love with it

Excellent pen of much emotion.  Write On~

)O(
db

Hi!  I liked this.  I think what makes this so strong for me is your timing.  I didn’t so much “read” it, as “hear” it.  It plays in my head like music.  For me, that’s the best thing.  If I have to offer any suggestion it would be to make this longer and consider turning it into a song lyric.  This would make a great rock tune!

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August 02, 2008

by Chaos

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
70	80.0% (30 votes)	40.3%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
25	F	Joplin, MO	August 17

Thanks! Glad you enjoyed it. I’ll look into the lyrics thing, might be a good idea.

Chaos

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The poem suggests different emotions for me as I (the reader) procede from one stanza to the next. In the first stanza I feel as though the speaker has no will to live. By the second stanza it seems as though the speaker is searching for something. This is best shown in the last two lines:

I hear your words and refuse to speak.
I reach for you but I am far too weak.

I like how these two lines were phrased. One element to be careful of is avoiding rhyme that comes across as if you are struggling or selecting a word only because it rhymes with another. The words in poetry should all have a meaning that streches beyond rhyming for rhymes-sake.

I think the poem has a good structure. Your line breaks are in just the right places. The poem has a good flow as well. I would say the biggest thing is to try and play around with other words that convey the same emotion while being careful not to appear as though the words were selected just for the rhyme. This was a thought I had about the lines:

To the lost souls, I am free,
To the capture, I cannot be.

I was lost when I read this couplet because it didnt seem to fit nicely with the rest of what was being said, which made it difficult for me to understand what was trying to be conveyed here. Finding the right words that say what you want them to say and sound the way you want them to sound is the tricky part about composing rhyme poems. I think this is a good foundation for revision.

I loved the simplicty of it. Sometimes people who write poems make them too long with descritptions that really don’t fit. This poem can either be a love poem to a potetnial mate or just an explanation because you just don’t live up to the expectations of others. When adding more please try not to take away from the bluntness of it. It makes it work it fits the title I am needs no other explanations. I’m free but you really don’t need to know why. Much props for making a clean simple poem.

This is great poetry!  I feel like the last sentence in the first verse needs some work.  It doesn’t flow, it’s too different from the first 3.

I like the idea of the “untrained eye”, that is grand and intelligent.

In the dark of night I am the rain.  This is eloquent and poetry in itself.

...another near miss.  Near is the culprit in this last sentence.

To the capture, I cannot be.  This sentence is also a little screwy compared to the rest of the work.

I reach for you but I am far too weak is beautiful and frail.

It’s a very good work and I would like for you to revise it after you have received all of your critiques.  It is almost there and with the talent I see here, I know it will become a publishable piece.  Thank you for the opportunity.

Firstly, I don’t really know what you are talking about because you are being too vague.

Who is the “you” that you are talking to?  Why does the narrator long for death?  These are the types of questions that, when answered, will give you a better poem.  

Lastly, what does “to the capture” mean?  Do you mean to the captured?  

Good luck with revising this

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August 02, 2008

by Chaos

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
70	80.0% (30 votes)	40.3%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
25	F	Joplin, MO	August 17

The poem is meant to be vague. Most of my work is vague. I feel that while I usually write this with specific reason, most poetry can be stretched to reach a far greater audience if the writer simply stretches the concept out by mere fractions. Personal opinion, but I will look into what you say for this one.
And yes, ‘capture’ is supposed to be captured.

Thanks,
Chaos

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