“Dude, did that just happen?” Luke sat beside Ryan wide eyed with a huge grin on his face.
Ryan simply nodded with a similar silly grin widely spread across his face. “Yeah, sure did man.” The two sat on the front steps of Ryan’s house discussing the phone call they’d received. Her name was Amy Davidson and she was the girl Luke secretly liked for ages. Amy was the girl every teenage boy had secretly liked for ages. She was perfect, the kind of girl that every boy wished to have and every girl wished to be. She had confidence that only the pretty girls could ever hold and style to suit. She wore thick-rimmed square-style glasses that brought out her deep green eyes and carefully shaped eyebrows. She had long brown hair that never seemed to have a hair out of place and a completely flawless figure. Everything about her was perfect. The two had chatted briefly at school and around town when they had bumped into each other, but it was never anything more than a wave or a friendly hello. Luke’s palms became sweaty just thinking about her. “Do you want me to get you a towel or something? Ryan joked, looking at Luke wiping his hands on his pants. “…you know, because you’re going to need if you go over there.” Amy had called Luke to ask if he could come over, she didn’t say why but the tone of her voice faintly suggested Luke would like what she had planned.
Ryan and Luke had hung out all day. They ran riot in town for most of the day, annoying all the regulars, as well as a few new ones too. No one really minded they all knew Ryan and Luke were capable of nothing more than harmless fun. They had planned their evening the same way a harmless run-a-muck kind of a night, though that was before Amy called. “Are you going to go?” Ryan asked inquisitively.
“Will you hit me if I don’t go?”
“Man, I’ll go if you don’t go!” Ryan and Luke both laughed in tune. “We can hang out tomorrow night, it’s cool. You go.” It was settled. They would give up their plans, and Luke would go to Amy’s to hang out, although they both knew it would be a little more than that.
Luke thought for a moment. “Wait!” He grabbed his phone from his pocket and started dialling a number. “Hey Amy, it’s just me again, Uh, what’s Sarah doing tonight?” He asked.
Amy sounded confused. “I don’t know, why?”
“Well, Ryan and I kinda had plans tonight I was thinking, why not you bring Sarah, I bring Ryan…” He trailed off. Meanwhile Ryan is making all sorts of rude and crazy gestures trying to tell Luke what a horrible idea this idea of his was.
“Great, so she’ll be there? Awesome. See you soon then.” Luke hung up the phone. He turned to Ryan and put two thumbs up. Ryan slapped his head. “Why’d you go and do that for?”
“Hey, bros before hoes!” He smirked. Ryan just shook his head ashamed. “And I thought you were an honest guy!”
Luke fished around in his pocket for his car keys. “Take it for a spin, ay?” He dangled the keys in front of him. Ryan nodded, and got up and Luke followed.
The two boys jumped in the car set for the other side of town. The stereo bled out some hardcore rock songs at a volume so high it would see the both of them deaf before their thirties. Luke had a mischievous look on his face. “Stop in at the bottle shop before we go?” He nodded his head.
“Yeah, why not? Can’t say I’ll touch a drop of the stuff though.”
“Fair enough, man. Your call,” Luke did a U-turn at the next set of lights and drove back to the bottle shop. He pulled into the local bottle shop drive-thru and the man at the counter came to their assistance. “Can I help you?” He asked.
“Yeah, give me four bottles of that” Luke pointed to a clear bottle with a red label.
“Good choice.” The man reached for the bottles of Vodka and popped them in the back of the boot.
“You got ID?” He asked.
“Nope.” Luke said dryly.
The man looked confused and wondered whether he should take the $100 note that Luke had placed in front of him. “Usually I wouldn’t, but I’m down on quota today.” And grabbed the green note.
He put the note in the register and gave Luke back his change. “Have a good night”
“Don’t worry, we will!” Luke replied with the same mischievous grin on his face the two exchanged a brief smile before Luke drove off in his 1999 dark blue Holden Astra.
The lights were red as Luke tapped his thumbs against the steering wheel in time with the music, waiting for the lights to go green. He felt happy with himself. He had his best friend, four bottles of alcohol and a couple of good-looking girls waiting for him. His night couldn’t get much better, he thought. The two boys sat in the car almost screaming over the music, having such a good time they became distracted and didn’t realize the lights hard turned green. Ryan popped his head out the window to see what the car behind was beeping at. “Luke, it’s green!” Ryan said. Luke put his foot down hard, the sudden jolt of fuel in the engine made the car jerk as it sped off.
“Luke! Watch out!” Ryan screamed as he saw the speeding car come straight towards them at the intersection. In a desperate bid to avoid the car, Ryan grabbed the wheel impulsively and steered opposite. The two cars collided and spun before hitting a tree on the side of the road.
Ryan awoke to utter carnage everywhere. He lifted his head and slowly opened his eyes and the blood slowly dripped down his face from his head. His hand rose to the cut which oozed a crimson liquid. Ryan panicked. He couldn’t remember how he got the cut. Ryan couldn’t even remember where he was or how he got there. There was a gaping hole in the windshield, shattered glass all over Ryan and on the ground outside the car. A sharp throbbing pain came from the lower part of his body and he couldn’t feel anything below his knees. He could feel himself pushed up against the dashboard. He tried to free himself, but he was stuck. The blinding red and blue lights from the police cars flashed wildly into his eyes. Among the screaming and sound of mass hysteria, he could hear a faint siren from a distance. As it became louder it seemed that whatever was making the sound was coming closer. Still dazed, Ryan struggled to make sense of what was happening he kept hearing people scream what he thought sounded like his name. The sounds echoed as they entered his head and Ryan tried his best to make sense of the noise but there was just too much going on. In a desperate bid for help Ryan called out but it was far too noisy for anyone to hear him. He mumbled a few words; never complete sentences – it hurt to talk.
When the paramedics finally arrived, they rushed over to the car to attend to both boys. Ryan, still trying to talk and only managing to stutter single words grew more and more confused. “Where… where am… I?” Ryan tried to lift his head again.
“We’re going to get you out but you have to be completely still for me, alright?” It was more of a statement than a question. The paramedics tried to keep Ryan as calm as they could as they tried to figure out how to get Ryan out of the car. “Look like you got yourself pretty well stuck, but don’t worry mate, you’re going to be fine.” Ryan called. He turned to the paramedic “Is Luke okay? Where is Luke?” He tried to get out unaware his foot was firmly fixed in-between the seat of the car and the dashboard. When he tried to move his foot he learned the hard way that it was stuck in between the front seat and his own. He let out an almighty shriek in pain.
The paramedics told Ryan again to just sit and relax and that they were doing the very best they could. This time Ryan listened. No sudden jolts and no heroic efforts on his part.
“Do you know if you lost consciousness?” The paramedic asked as he looked at Ryan’s cuts.
“I… don’t really know. I can’t really remember anything.” Ryan screwed up his nose. He grew frustrated being in the car for as long as he had but sat their quietly partially in pain until the paramedics were able to get him out of the car and onto the stretcher.
As the paramedics and other emergency personnel worked hard to free Ryan, Ryan became increasingly curious. He asked questions that the paramedics refused to answer, “We’ll explain everything when we can. Just sit tight.”
This infuriated Ryan, why was no one telling him anything? Ryan’s heart beat increased rapidly. Before he knew it he was perspiring like a crazy person, and his once calm nerves were a wreck. “What’s happening to me?” Ryan asked one of the paramedics. He grabbed her hand but before she had a chance to respond Ryan had slipped into an unconscious state again.
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I really enjoyed reading this chapter – the very beginning was a bit long, but I think it is neccessary for the development of the story and not boring. You get a really nice impression of the friendship between Luke and Ryan, and of the normality – or like you said, harmlessnes – of the situation before the accident.
The scene before the accident happens is, somehow, rather intense – thee lights, the music, etc. It’s one of my favourite parts of the chapter. The accident itself is, maybe, a bit short. I’d like to read a bit more of the impressions Luke and Ryan have this very moment- like noises, or colors, or how it affects them.
The “aftermath” of the accident is nicely written, too. It becomes clear that Ryan is not badly injured, but confused, and that he has pretty much lost orientation.
However there are a few language/wording “things” that bug me.
“He lifted his head and slowly opened his eyes and the blood slowly dripped down his face from his head” -> “He lifted his head, slowly opening his eyes, and noticed blood dripping down his face.” Just a suggestion :)
You repeated “Ryan” a bit too often, maybe just use “he” more often, especially as in most of these sentences the reader can’t mistake “he” with anyone else… (like “Ryan panicked. He couldn’t remember how he got the cut. He couldn’t even remember where he was or how he got there.”)
“When the paramedics finally arrived, they rushed over to the car to attend to both boys.” Here you refer to “both boys”, but so far Ryan hasn’t thought of Luke. I think you might need to write a sentence about how Ryan suddenly remembers of Luke and is shocked – so far, we didn’t get much the impression Ryan was very concerned about Luke, or thinking about him at all. I would add a sentence like “It suddenly struck Ryan that he had not once thought of Luke. With a sudden pang of fear, he turned to the parametic. “Is Luke okay?” ” after the paramedic tell Ryan he’s gonna be fine.
Else, I really like it.
Ooo. Exciting!
I found the opening a little.. dull, but after awhile you managed to get it all settled. I think I need to get a better image of where they are in the opening, because right now it feels like they’re just floating around in midair, talking.
The car accident was very unexpected! Not that it is the most original thing you could do, but when they bought the alocohol I was expecting something to happen when they got to the girl’s house, not on their way there. Well done on that!
I think you’ll have to make it even clearer in the ending that the paramedics tell Ryan that “everything’s going to be all right”, as that’s what they’re supposed to do. As it is now, they leave Ryan uncertain of what has happened to his friend. I think it’s better if they tell him that “you’re going to be all right”, as that may mean two things at once. It also leaves the reader a little more unsure of what’s going on.
You also did a great job with the car accident scene! Not too many details, but enough. As a reader I know that Ryan is hurt, although not too badly, and that he is confused. And throughout the whole text you manage to tell a story from a youth’s perspective!
This is an important story that carries an important message. Well done.
Your dialogue is effortless and flows so naturally I could hear the boys banter clearly and their deep friendship is obvious. Very well done. You take the reader from scene to scene seamlessly and your gift for telling a story is growing more potent the more I read, but you need to format the text for better clarity. When the focus changes from character to character or when a different character speaks it is a new paragraph.
For me, there is work to do on Ryan immediately after the crash. It feels too emotionless and I can see that you are a much better writer than that. You have the ability to really put the reader in Ryan’s shoes here and offer the experience, but it needs to be finely crafted and inspired. You, the writer, need to live it with Ryan and feel every stab of pain and embrace his emotional numbness and write it all with a brutal punch. Don’t think too deeply just feel it completely, I hope you understand what I mean. It will require a lot of hard work to get that right.
I hope that helps. I look forward to the next piece… Below are some suggestions:
“Dude, did that just happen?” Luke sat beside Ryan wide eyed with a huge grin on his face. – comma after Ryan and I would suggest Luke said, sat beside Ryan… so it is clear who spoke.
Ryan and Luke had hung out all day. They ran riot in town for most of the day,... The use of “day” twice like that isn’t wrong, but felt awkward – just my opinion.
...to tell Luke what a horrible “idea this idea” of his was. – again, not wrong, just awkward.
...Luke replied with the same mischievous grin on his face “the two exchanged a brief smile before Luke drove off in his 1999 dark blue Holden Astra.” – reads like direction on a play or film script.
...He grew frustrated being in the car for as long as he had but sat “their” quietly partially in pain until the paramedics were able… – there
...This infuriated Ryan, why was no one telling him anything? – suggest full stop after Ryan and begin new sentence.
This was really interesting! I was really into it, and I had a feeling that they would get into a car crash. I didn’t see anything wrong with it, and I enjoyed it so great job!
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