Poetry / Pass the word (Analysis)

Very inspiring.  It does read very much like a performance piece, as you mentioned.  I like the dramatic pause in the lines “My (pause)
how time flies when you’re pouring your life’s tale.”  It seems as though the speaker is the “young girl” and she is telling the story.  I suppose the speaker could be telling us a story of a young girl in general, to awaken us,
“To stand for a cause.
Do what your gut feels.
Maybe then,
we can be like Marther Luther king jr. said.”

My favorite lines:
“Can you tell
Passion
was emulated just through her stares?
A minor illuminating the presence of a Nubian?”

Well done.  I would like to hear someone perform it someday:)

hi there,

yes, this spoke to me and i agree, everyone should have a dream…cause dreams do come true!!!....:)..nice job, jim

Hi

if, in the future, anyone suggests that you make changes to this piece – DON’T.

This is a very powerful piece that really reaches deep into the soul and psyche.

This is the kind of poetry that should be experienced by a wider audience.

Excellent

Alan

I hate giving bad reviews, theres nothing fun about it. This is your piece of art and I hope it speaks to people. It just didn’t do it for me. There is something about the beginning when you wrote: “The story unfolds, of a young girl. 11 years young” I don’t like the way that is worded. I’ve never really read any spoken word poems, so maybe in that category your poem is good. If that is the case then I am just not really into Spoken word poems. Thanks for sharing.

This needs a lot more work.  You start out telling a story about a young girl, and you say she starts taking shots of rum, but you never go into any detail.  To truly reach people, give them some specifics.  It’s too vague.  Tell us the story—that’s what we want to hear.  Then tell us, specifically, how the girl changed, and what her plans are for the future.  You mention MLK, but what about him really inspired you, specifically?  You say you have a dream, what is it?  you never really tell us.  we want to know!

I like this a lot. I didn’t get the message til the end. lol. We all start our own stories and defend what we believe in—defend our culture and our way of life, right?

I heart it.

this part trips me up a bit..

11 years young,
...
...
Simply another teen (not a teen)

- and this next line-
‘til she found her spoken word and got messed up in the herb.
All over again, – seems unnecessary though there is a rhythm there, it is redundant as you state this same thing in the opening.

and lines like- Where no one lurks, she harks a fairytale of her own through this little girl.

why does no one lurk, or do you mean to say When..
this becomes the poem/poet becoming aware of itself, formally speaking, tricky grounds… I tend to ignore “personal” stories, as everybody has them and you really can’t argue with personal history, or deconstruct it very clearly.

it begins well with details. 11 yrs old, shots of straight rum

‘but smoking dope to her heart was wasted’ i understand why her ‘heart was wasted’ but i think you could have found a more specific image. wasted is too vague

‘find her soul, she chose, with poetry.’ a lot of spoken word writers. hippies, and young people overuse the word ‘soul’ to the point where serious people simply avoid it in their own writing and are put off by it when reading others. it’s so overused it’s become banal. and it’s vague. so i guess my point is use it carefully.

unfortunately doing what your gut feels usually ends up being a pizza and crashing on the couch for most americans.

‘I rid the little girl becoming a strong woman.’ i think you could find better words to communicate this idea.

overall i thought there were some good parts, but i couldn’t get the rhythm from reading it. that’s the problem with spoken word. it only reaches as far as your voice goes.  

This poem is very powerful, and also very sad. Unfortunately, it is also a very realistic portrayal of the American teen. It speaks at you and makes you feel a little guilty, as if in desire to help the person speaking.

The part “of a young girl. 11 years young,” Is a tiny bit repetitive to me, maybe “of a girl. 11 years young” But i dunno.