Poetry / Further Ablaze (Analysis)
If she steps into your eyes, she knows she’ll not return
forever left to yearn, forever left to burn.
Sweet toffee sunrise set beyond the moon
forever is forever, and forever’s too soon.
Feeding off the sun’s forever orange glow
when there’s nothing left to hide and there’s nothing more to show
and the idleness of moment is almost next to spent
it’s last to be the sun’s saccharine lament.
Fidelity of innocence is only so far gone
and with a different hand, a new destiny is drawn
the lines a little thicker and the writing less unclear
like grains of desert sand, the past will disappear.
Enticed her with temptation but still frightened by regret,
the past may be forgotten, but the past will not forget,
from every midnight tremble to every silhouette
each abandoned cassette; every burned out cigarette.
Put out the fire tearing deep within her heart
tear it away, before it tears her apart.
Swallow the sacrifice made within that gaze
farther away; further ablaze.
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Good thoughts, emotion, rhymes and words..but the rhythm was a little bumpy. poetry is like a song..so many beats per measure to flow smoothly. Too many “forevers” in 1st 5 lines and “silhouette,cassette and cigarette too close together. I loved “toffee sunrise” and ” the past will not forget”..keep it up.thanks
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This is very lovely. The only word specifically I would change is I would repeat “each” for “each burned out cigarette” esp. since you use every twice in the previous line, it would make sense to repeat each in the next line and not overuse “every”. Very nice writing.
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