A concrete excercise that could be preformed might help you. Take each stansy and try to say it in 6 words. step back. is that what you want to say. also try writing a short story about one of the characters or someone associated with them and how they view rhe situation. or wrote a poem about what happens next – a day/week/year/decade/ or century later.
Poetry / Our Souls Mated (Analysis)
Our Souls Mated
When we first met, we were
standing stripped of our attire.
We were two atypical creatures
just standing beneath desire.
Reticently, you acted like
a chicken scratching in a coup.
I humbly sat pigeon holed
like a bird honing in the roost.
Such an awkward phase that would
pass with every laugh and grin.
As we patiently waited for
the new to begin again.
When we first came together
we dragged out all our luggage.
My feeble arms shifted
as I almost lost my footage.
I sat my baggage down, exhausted
as I fumbled nervously with the keys.
You took yours to the back to slip in
when I was looking at dirty laundry.
When we packed up together
we slowly started getting dressed.
I hadn’t had a notion to the
nuances that was still at test.
I had enough heart to unload and
donate such things as old shoestrings.
But you had rocks that held down the
feathering of your buckled fastenings.
In between the garb of kings and
the clothing of paper dolls,
within a nest of strings and thread,
we sat sewing all that was ours.
As we became three no longer two
it was no longer me and you.
You often wavered about this choice
and I often saw it made you blue.
She came first for once
the only daughter that you had.
It was my gift to you and
that’s why I was incensed and mad.
You were quick to condemn
me as your ball and chain.
But I refused to let you tie
me to that common name.
Endlessly tired from carrying
the baggage here and there
I was thinking that our
lives have become despair.
Often you told me you
were a pauper not a prince.
What I only had to offer was
glasses of a different tint.
The rose garden, you dream of her
was just a shade away.
For forget not our eyes met
every time she ran to play.
She was our respite for we were weary
and her love has sheltered us both.
As we took turns protecting her
she reminded us of our oath.
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believer22 reviewed Version 1 -
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I only had a hard time understanding the comparison of the birds in the 2nd statement. The part of you looking at dirty laundry was not really something I understand that fits in your poem.
The completed poem as a whole was definitely a good read. Thanks for posting:)
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sylviafrew reviewed Version 1 -
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There’s a love poem here trying to get out – give it a chance. I feel that the work is over-written and not well thought out – although a tender story does exist. Trim it back – consider what you really want to say as opposed to just finding a ‘kind of’ rhyme. Let your true feelings and your real talent shine through.
Allison64Lee reviewed Version 1 -
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I really really like the medifores in here. Great job!
“Reticently, you acted like
a chicken scratching in a coup.
I humbly sat pigeon holed
like a bird honing in the roost.”
In my opinion that line was the best.
Griot reviewed Version 1 -
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well done. S11 L3 could also work with cuff instead of tie… keeping with the prison decor.
Lena reviewed Version 1 -
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I enjoyed the story you tell in this poem. Absolutely beautiful love story that encompasses so many phases of a relationship!
I especially treasure this line: and her love has sheltered us both.
I had a little trouble with the rhythm, it might help to count syllables for each line:
(original)
When we first met, we were
standing stripped of our attire.
We were two atypical creatures
just standing beneath desire.
or example subtle change might help with timing:
When we first met,
we were standing stripped of our attire.
We were two atypical creatures
just standing beneath desire.
I have a tendancy to pause at the end of a line, and it is awkward here if there is a pause, it breaks up the sentence.
or shorten some of the words into contractions: example:
feathering of your buckled fastenings.
to
feathering of your buckled fast’nings (eliminates a syllable)
Read your poem out loud, both the paragraphs separately and all together to get a better feel of its natural flow.
These are just suggestions, I hope you find them a help. It is an excellant poem.
I hope to read more of your work in the future!
JessicaHumiston reviewed Version 1 -
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“For forget not our eyes met
every time she ran to play.”
- I don’t know if you meant ‘for forget not how our eyes met…”
-Over all i really liked this. it was a little slow in the middle, and you might want to consider cutting it down a bit. besides that, the story is wonderful, and i really enjoyed it.
reddog reviewed Version 1 -
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This is hard to do. But sometimes just let the rhyme go to hell and tell the story. Otherwise it takes FOREVER and your thoughts we very meaningful. Keep it up
Budderflibecks reviewed Version 1 -
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I enjoyed this write immensely…the double meanings as well. I really liked the ending…despite the differences there is always a way to come to understanding why people stay together. I see a great deal of experiences in acceptance and diligence in this write.
richardlynn51 reviewed Version 1 -
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Enjoyed. The first and last were really good clear with good rhyme..like the relationship something happened in the middle that need addressing…was having a hard time with the suitcases..but over all it contained a sincer, heart felt message..thanks
Carina reviewed Version 1 -
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This is lovely although some of the rhymes are a little weak esp. keys/laundry didn’t work for me. I love the content though, it is nicely said.
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