Okay. Thank you so much! I’ll keep the whole “more detail thing” in mind. I didn’t put a lot though because I was afraid that if I put in too much detail I would bore people with descriptions.
Young Adult / Funsuru (Analysis)
CHAPTER 1: Rasberry Icecream!
“Hiya Pops!” Akisa said as she leaned forward on the countertop where people got their orders of icecream.
“Hello Akisa!” Pop’s smiled giving her a toothy grin. There was that goofy, sweet, gentle smile again. The one that got her grinning like a maniac too. “What are you doing out here so late? You’re usually here early in the mornin’ talkin’ to me fer hours. Had me worried.” He handed Akisa her rasberry icecream, her daily order, as she continued talking to him.
“Sorry bout’ that. Dad kind of got drunk again so I had to stay home and supervise him.”
Pop’s gave her a stern look.
“Well I had to make sure he didn’t do anything stupid like decide to take a nice drive out into the country and getting himself into a wreck.” As she said this she made hand movements, pretending her left hand was a car zooming into her right hand which was supposed to be a wall. She couldn’t lose another person. Her mom and her brother are already gone, if she lost her dad she couldn’t continue living. Pops looked at her concerned. He never did like the enviornment she lived in. All alone with a drunk of a father. Akisa could tell by the concerned look on his face and the suggestions of her living with him. She couldn’t leave her dad though, not in the messed up condition he was in already after her mom and brother left. He needed her. Pop’s expression began to turn into that worried one, so Akisa changed the subject.
“Man Pops!” She grabbed his boney arm and began to shake it, making his wrist make popping noises as she did so. “You look like a skeleton! You need to gain some weight.” She stopped shaking his arm and grabbed his spectacles. “You need some new glasses too.” She put them on and began walking around in them. Everything was blurry so she didn’t see the rock before it was too late and she tripped over it. She ended up giving the glasses back to him, afraid she’d end up tripping agin and falling on her face this time and breaking her nose.
“You have a knack for trouble.” Pop’s sighed as he put on his glasses.
“No. I just have a knack for tripping and falling anywhere I go.” Akisa put the $5 on the counter and began to walk away. “I’ll see you tomorrow Pops!” She called back to him. It was getting dark, she didn’t have time to talk to him longer.
-—---—---—---—---—---—---—---—---—-
What is a Funsuru?
Some people say that the funsuru, one of the many names that they are called, came to Earth to bring humans happiness and joy.
The funsuru is a small creature that only reaches to a foot tall at the highest. They are pure white and walk on only two feet like humans. Their eyes are small and beety, their mouths have no lips, and they have no nose, and no ears. They have small hands, but a big head which is shaped like a mushroom. They dont have any hair or fur on their bodys what so ever. You can not tell males and females apart because they have no…well you know. Scientists have had theories of the funsuru being related to the flower because of this. But they found out that their was actually a big difference between them: The funsuru is not both female and male, but can only indeed be one gender, the flower however has both a female and a male part to the plant.
Scientists finally gave up on the funsuru theories and ideas because after a couple decades of years of trying to figure out the many mysteries and secrets of the funsuru, they couldn’t. Nobody could ever get within ten ft. of them. They could only examine them from a distance…otherwise if you took a step closer, they would just vanish into thin air. They did, however, get close to only certain people. They would flollow a person who lost someone they loved and never got over their death. Now, this is where it leads to the whole reason why the funsuru even came to Earth and why people debated whether they were good or if they were evil.
Every funsuru selected a different child or person on Earth that had someone they loved that died and always watched over them, until it was finally time for them to go to Earth and do their real job, transform themselves into their beloved one that passed away, and pretend that it was really them. Some people said it was a nasty trick, and some people said that the funsuru were doing it with the kindness in their hearts and only wanted to make our suffering cease. Some people hated them, and some didn’t.
Finally, the government and the president decided that they need to get rid of these “vermin” and made sure people hunted them down…but no one could ever find them. They finally sent another shuttlle up into space to find them, but it found nothing. They looked as far into space as they could. So they finally gave up.
-—---—---—---—---—---—---—---—---—-—
Akisa had one hand in the pocket of her short white shorts and the other holding her blue colored icecream. She was wearing knee length pink socks, white shorts, a white shirt whith black sleeves that reached her elbows, and a yellow skee-cap with a black stripe going through it. It was still nice out even though the sun was setting, and the icecream began to melt and become sticky on her fingers. She tried to eat it all quickly at first, but it only gave her a brain freeze so she just gave up on that. How do you get a brainfreeze when you don’t even have a brain? She thought that to herself all of the time. She wasn’t very smart in school and never bothered to pay attention. She loved sports though…didn’t mean she was exactly good at them however. She’s tried out for the baseball and soccer team hundreds of times, but the stupid coach wouldn’t let her join because she’s such a clutz and is a magnet for trouble…including for the people around her. Stacy the school prep still has never forgiven Akisa for accidently hitting her during the gym’s bowling unit with a bowling ball. It seriously was an accident though. Akisa would never do something that bad to someone. Akisa didn’t feel too bad about Stacy never talking to her. She never liked Stacy much anyways.
Why do I feel like I’m being watched? Akisa turned around quickly searching the area around her with her bright sky blue eyes. She turned back and continued walking, occasionally looking over her shoulder. Instead of fear Akisa felt agitated. “Quit following me dangit!” she yelled out to whomever…or whatever was following her.
Akisa grunted and turned back around to walk away, but something tugged on her sock. She turned around and didn’t see anything. “What the-?” She looked down and saw a small white figure with short stubby arms and legs. It had no fingers or toes, and its head was shaped like a mushroom. The funsuru stared up at her with ocean blue eyes.
“Ummm…hello.” Not a usual reaction to some sort of other creature, but it was a lot more polite then screaming and crying. “OH MY GOSH! What is it!!!!” Akisa paused for a moment then bent over to see eye to eye with the funsuru, but it was still really hard because he was so short. “Ummm…you want some of my icecream?”
The creature nodded, and Akisa led him to a bench where they could sit together. She had to help him on the bench though. It was too tall.
They sat together in silence. The funsuru sat licking the icecream. Both stared off into space. Akisa would sometimes shift her glance and stare at the funsuru and look away less than a second later. When he finished they both got up in complete silence and continued walking.
I’ve got to say something! I gotta! Akisa gulped. “So…you come here often.” No response. “Yeah…umm…this planet’s…uhh…pretty interesting. We got stupid mosquitos everywhere you walk though.” She said as she flicked one away out of her face.
All of a sudden the funsuru jumped out in front of her. “What’s wro-?” she was about to ask until small yellow lights began to swarm around her and the funsuru. The funsuru’s body began to get bigger and it began to morph into a human. Dark brown hair began to sprout on it’s head. His head became more oval and on his face appeared a nose, mouth, ears on the side of his head, and his blue eyes turned brown and humanlike. It was a spitting image of her little brother. His famous baseball cap included.
“Kip!” Akisa cried, flinging herself onto her brother. “You’re alive! How? Oh! I’m so happy.” She began to cry as she clung to her brother.
A couple of moments later Akisa stood up, wiped the tears from her eyes, and grabbed her brothers hand gently. “C’mon. I won’t ever let you get sick again.” This was the happiest moment of Akisa’s life. She happily held her baby brother’s hand and they both walked home together. One happy, the other just doing his job.
A tearful moment occured in Akisa’s household that evening. Akisa’s dad, even though he was still slightly drunk, was very happy to see his son again and both Akisa and her father cried together in joy. The young boy, so called “Kip”, stood in silence as they wept for him. Afterall, when you’ve lost something important and you get it back again, no matter how doubtful the possibility of getting them back was, you look past reality and the events that just occured and live in the moment. Akisa didn’t care how he had come back, or why he was once a small white creature with a mushroom head. She was just so happy for him to finally be home.
“Kip.” Akisa said wiping her snotty nose on her elbow length sleeve. “Me and you are going to celebrate tomorrow. I’ll make you some waffles with blueberries. I remembered that that was your favorite. I know you hate pancakes. And we’re all going to walk to Pop’s and show him you’re back. Dad’s coming too! He promised that he wouldn’t drink. He’s really happy that you’re back. I haven’t seen him cry in years. Things have changed a lot since you’ve been gone.”
Akisa’s dad hugged Kip and went to bed. Akisa and Kip went into their shared bedroom and Akisa tucked Kip in, turned off the light, and went to sleep. Instead of her usual nightmares Akisa dreamed of her family together and reunited. She even dreamed of her mom.
Chapter 2: My New Best Friends
Plat! That was the noice that was made when the waffle fell onto Kip’s plate. Kip looked down at the plate curiously. He picked up the fork and knife, cut himself a peice, and put some into his mouth. It was the most aweful thing he had ever tasted. He refrained from spitting it out, but Akisa heard the gagging noises and turned towards Kip’s direction.
“I thought you liked waffles Kippers.” Kip shrugged in response. Akisa looked at him puzzled. That’s weird…Kip would never turn down a waffle to save his life. She shook it off and threw his waffles away. “Want some pancakes instead?” She asked. Before he could respond she threw pancake mix in his face. Kip looked at her in total shock as she laughed and pointed at him.
“Kip-HAHA!-you look so FUNNY!:” She threw more mix into his face laughing, while Kip just sat quietly. She stopped finally and stared at Kip blankly.
“Where’s Kip and what have you done with him?” She said jokingly. “Kip” didn’t take it as a joke though. “If you were really Kip you would have been hollering and throwing more back at me.”
“True.” He finally sighed. “You caught me.” Akisa dropped the bag of pancake mix, as it collided into the ground a cloud of it appeared around her.
“You don’t even sound like Kip. You sound like…like…Scrappy Doo!”
“Hey don’t make fun of my voice!”
Akisa ignored him though. “Where’s Kip?!”
“He’s still dead.”
A sudden shock overwhelmed Akisa and it was almost as if it was the day when Kip had died. I knew it. I knew this dream was to good to be true. “Wh-who are you then?” She asked as hot tears formed at the corner of her eyes.
“I’m a funsuru. My species was formed to insure that humans hearts aren’t fully broken. I came here to make you happy. Every funsuru is assigned a different person. I was assigned to you. We only go with people who have lost someone that they love, and have a hard time handling the pain.”
“W-why did you come?” Akisa asked bitterly.
“Didn’t I just tell you? I’m a funsuru and-”
“You’ve ruined everything! I had put Kip out of my mind for awhile till you came. Sure,” her voice cracked. “There was still that open hole in my chest that I’m sure will always be there, but it was…you know…kind of sort of healing. Well…what I mean is that the pain wasn’t as bad as before. And my dad was still pretty miserable. He was drinking and sad, but when you came you made him happy. What’s going to happen when he finds out you’re…Kip’s not really alive?!” She was huffing and puffing with rage. Her face softened though when she saw the funsuru crying.
“Do-don’t cry Funsuru…I’m sorry. I won’t yell at you again. I guess I was just so upset because I finally thought I had my brother again, but then he was taken away.” Her words didn’t comfort him though and he was still crying. “Come on I know it was just your job. You were assigned to do it. I’m not mad.”
“I-I was so ex-excited to m-m-meet you! I wanted to m-m-make you happy, but I ruined it! I’m so sorry. Because of me, your family will probably be torn apart.” He whimpered. Akisa sighed, bent over, and hugged him. “You must’ve been nervous to first meet me huh?” He nodded in her shoulder.
“I felt better when you gave me the icecream though.” he whispered.
“You’re very very brave. Tell you what. How about me and you get some icecream later. Just me and you okay’?”
“But what about your dad? He’ll be heartbroken when he finds out.” He started to sob again, but Akisa smacked him across the head.
“Ow! What the heck was that for?!”
“We’re not telling my dad. You’ll just have to…pretend to be Kip for…umm…ever? And don’t worry. You’ll really like it. Just be yourself and have fun with us. We’ll be like a new family!”
Kip…errr…the funsuru smiled, and Akisa grabbed a napkin from the table to wipe his nose.
“When your around me you can turn into your origional form if you like…actually I’d prefer that. Then I won’t feel like I’m talking to Kip. Okay?”
“Alright.” He nodded.
“Now. Since your name isn’t really Kip…what is your name?” She asked as she combed her fingers through her shoulder length messy dark brown hair.
“I am #687543291864.”
“Umm…I don’t think I can remember that. Plus that name just stinks, no offense, so I’ll just call you…Scrappy!”
“What! No way!”
“Scrappy! We’re going be best friends!”
Akisa and Scrappy squatted next to eachother. Akisa wore a white and blue baseball cap, a poneytail sticking out from the back, knee length tan shorts, a black jacket around her waist, a white T-shirt, and her regular and only pair of sneakers. She colored the sides black with permanent marker. She had dirt on one cheek and on her knees. Her and Scrappy had played in the baseball park earlier. She unsuccessfully tried to teach him how to play ball that morning, but he was so small that when he was hit in the face with the ball he was unconsious for a few minutes. She stopped after that to prevent any more injuries. To make him feel better she put a Scooby Doo band-aid on his nose. “Look Scrappy Doo! It’s your cousin!” She joked earlier.
“Are you kidding?!” Scrappy whispered to Akisa behind the bush. He was in his origional form since her father wasn’t around. He was at work! Akisa was so proud of him. “This is illegal, ill-e-gal!” He said through gritted teeth.
“Oh don’t worry I do this all the time.”
“You walk all the way down here just to ding-dong-ditch someones house?” They were crouching behind a bush in front of the Binn Manor. It was a huge mansion filled with different members of the huge family. Next to them was their rivals. The Connors Manor. Both families were rich and competed with eachother to be richer than the other.
“What? It’s not like I have anything better to do!”
“Have you ever been caught?”
“Well by the people that live in the houses. Not by the cops though. The folks that live in this neighborhood never report me because they’ve probably heard about my dad being a drunk and my mom and brother dying. They just feel bad for me. What a joke!” She laughed coldly. “I hate being pitied and looked down on.”
Before Scrappy could respond Akisa picked Scrappy up and put the small fellow on her shoulder. “You’re legs are too short. You can’t run as fast. I’ll carry you incase we have to run. Kay’?”
“Why would we have to run?!”
“Ready? 1…2-”
“Akisa! WHY WOULD WE HAVE TO RUN?????!!!!!!!”
“Threeeeee!”
Akisa ran towards the front door at full speed and smashed her finger on the doorbell. When they heard the “Ding-dooonnng!” Akisa ran behind the bush. Scrappy sat frozen and petrified on her shoulder. One rule on his planet was to never break the rules!
A boy about Akisa’s age stood open in the doorway. He had shaggy light brown hair and green eyes. He was wearing a blue sweater vest with a white collar and white sleeves, dark green pants, and shiny black shoes. He didn’t see anyone so he shrugged and shut the door.
Akisa got up again wiping the dirt off of her butt. She began to walk towards the door again. “What are you doing?! AKISA!” She rang the doorbell again, but before she could even turn around the door swung open and hit Scrappy full on in the face. He fell off of her shoulder and hit the ground.
“SCRAPPY! Oh no! He’s probably hurt. Are you okay Scrappy?” Akisa bent over to pick him up and cradle him in her arms.
“Wh-what the hell is that thing?!”
“This?” She said pointing to her head. “It’s called a hat. You usually wear them to keep warm or look cool. I wear it beca-”
“Not the hat! That thing your carrying!” He yelled, pointing at it with a shaking hand.
“Him? She asked looking at Scrappy. “He’s…uhh…my dog.”
“WHAT!” yelled Scrappy. He regretted his outburst as pain shot through his head. “I’m not your stupid do-”
Akisa smacked her hand over his mouth.
“What a funny dog. Hahaha. Speak Scrappy.”
Oh you’ve got to be kidding me. I don’t even look like a dog!..Fine whatever. “Bark…bark bark.”
“That’s not a dog.” said the boy calmly.
“Okay. Fine then! What do you think it is?” Akisa questioned.
“Well it’s not a dog, thats for sure. It don’t even look like it’s from this planet!”
Akisa ignored him and picked up Scrappy, cradling him in her arms, and was about to walk into the boy’s house/mansion/thing, but he blocked her path.
“Hey! You can’t just stroll on in here!” Yelled the boy.
“Why not?” She asked obviously having no clue that walking into others homes without permission was not a good thing.
“B…Because I said so. Besides, my parents would kill me.”
“Then it’s not much of a loss.” moaned Scrappy grumpily rubbing his aching head.
“Be nice Scrappy.” Warned Akisa.
“See? Dogs don’t talk!” The boy cried, obviously a little freaked out.
“That is all except for this one!” She said giving the boy a cheesey smile and a thumbs up.
“Give it up Akisa.” Groaned Scrappy. “We’ve been caught.”
“You guys were caught from the beginning. I never believed you.” The boy stated simply.
Scrappy and the boy continued to give eachother dirty glares.
“Just let us in! It was your door that hit me in the face anyways. I think we’re at least entitled to something.” Scrappy finally spoke.
The boy was about to retort to the fact that it wouldn’t of happened if they hadn’t of been ding-dong-ditching his mansion, but then he thought better of it and moved aside to let them in.
“Woooowwwwww.” Akisa gasped, breathless by the huge mansion. “It’s beautiful!” A large golden chandelior hung from the ceiling. At the end of the room was a grand staircase that led to ovarious rooms, then another flight of stairsthat led to even more rooms. The floor was waxed and red curtains covered the walls. Sculptures of angles and mythical greek gods and godesses were spread out against the walls of the buliding, and even a fountain made of marble had its own place in the corner next to the door. A couple of plants surrounded it.
“That’s what you get for being filthy rich.” Murmured the boy quietly so no one could hear.
“So what’s your name?” asked Akisa casually. “Mine’s Akisa, and this,” She said indicating to the white creature in her arms. “Is Scrappy.”
The boy smiled and walked up to Akisa, taking her hand and shaking it. “My name’s Thomas. Thomas Binns.”
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LAluver4ever reviewed Version 3 -
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martykate reviewed Version 3 -
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Jeremythegreatshow reviewed Version 3 -
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THis piece was long but well written. There were a few parts of this piece i liked the most. THe first was…
“She’s tried out for the baseball and soccer team hundreds of times, but the stupid coach wouldn’t let her join because she’s such a clutz and is a magnet for trouble…including for the people around her. Stacy the school prep still has never forgiven Akisa for accidently hitting her during the gym’s bowling unit with a bowling ball. It seriously was an accident though. Akisa would never do something that bad to someone.”
I like it because it a normal and interesting passage. My second and final part of interest was
“Ummm…hello.” Not a usual reaction to some sort of other creature, but it was a lot more polite then screaming and crying. “OH MY GOSH! What is it!!!!” Akisa paused for a moment then bent over to see eye to eye with the funsuru, but it was still really hard because he was so short. “Ummm…you want some of my icecream?”
I enjoyed this whole piece and hope to read more.
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malevolent reviewed Version 3 -
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This is a cute story, although it is still a little rough around the edges. I think your descriptions were pretty decent and your grammar/structure wasn’t half bad either. My only advise is to keep reading and eventually you should be able to work out some of the kinks. overall 7
FrakKevin reviewed Version 3 -
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I could tell by just reading this you’ve invested a lot into this story. Some people not might like it, but I enjoyed the introduction to what a funuru was. Once reaching the end of the tale of a funuru it kinds of hint that in my future chapters somebody is going to try to capture this thing. I thought him transforming into her brother was little mean and glad you had the funuru notice that. Also I liked that she had some type of reaction instead of well that’s okay. So far I like all your characters and by having her father being a drunk gives the story some realism.
Enigma28 reviewed Version 3 -
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This is a really good piece, well done. You’ve definitely come up with a completely original and unique piece of writing.
A few things I noticed though,
You often swap between tenses at the beginning of the chapter, if you just run through it I’m sure you’ll find them. Some of your sentences are slightly akward as well but if you’re really serious about this I’m sure an editor will sort that out for you so don’t worry about it to much.
Your descriptivness was really great as well.
Good job
Jodie
megsywegsy91 reviewed Version 3 -
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I thought it was really good. You had very good detail. The character had personality. I think that there shouldve been more detail in the father seeing kip again when he thought that he was dead. There were a few parts where detail coulve been better.and always check for grammar errors before you post though i didnt catch many. i really liked it keep updating
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