Sci Fi & Fantasy / Conquered -- Chapter #1 (Analysis)
Chapter #1: The Unlucky Twin
As if it was the night of the catastrophe.
Oh…even the slightest of the silver moonlight; please become the witness through the initiation night of destruction in the Valerius Kingdom.
When the midnight sky deprives the stars, it shall be the time when the kingdom is penetrated with an ominous threat. The dark haze and murky mist were spread all over the night as if they had brought the unfortunate indication within them. Soon, the tremendous snow storm started ceaselessly rushed to the northern city of the kingdom. It was a city that was covered with ice. There stood the lonely frozen castle, the place where all the unfortunate events begun.
…My wish will be granted…if and only if the prophecy won’t become true…
On the veranda of the royal study room, a man faced out toward the white blizzard. His grey eyes stared still into the darkness of the night and the tempest outside. His eyebrows met with anxiety, showing his fatigued expression. His dark-ocean velvet rope swayed along with the storm power. But he felt no cold. He felt no wind upon his face. He felt nothing but the stressful and evil atmosphere around him.
The storm…he pondered to himself…must be the warning of the chaos to come. If only I could prevent it…
“Your Majesty,” a man’s voice interrupted his deep thought.
“What is it, Enzo?” The King turned toward the man and waited patiently for the answer. Enzo flipped his frock coat behind and kneeled down. Then he reported to His Majesty.
“The Queen, sire, has given birth.”
“And…?”
“Male, Your Majesty,” The servant replied. But his face was full of distress although the news was supposed to be a good one. He did not face the King who had alleviated a little of his uneasiness when he heard the news.
“Then, its good news is it?” The King twitched his lips. It was one of the few times that the King seemed to be relieved in the past year. Enzo, who was the King’s best consultant, knew all the things that grieved the whole kingdom and its ruler. But tonight was the most painful night for all the people who were here at this frozen castle. It was the night that will decide if the prophecy will come true or not.
The consultant’s dark brown eyes were on His Majesty who started to move toward the inside of the room as if his skin had started to feel again after stop sensing for months. He had to report one more thing. But his lips were freezing. The news that he was going to report would change the King’s life forever, as well as the others’ lives in Valerius. He gathered all his courage and faced the King. It was at the same time that the King had decided his order.
“Enzo,” His Majesty spoke to the consultant. “Leave this castle at once and make an announcement to the entire Valerius. The Kingdom finally has its heir!”
“Your Majesty,” Enzo swallowed his saliva. “I have another subject to report.”
“Is it important?” The King seemed uncertain of what he would be hearing in the next few seconds.
“Sire, the Queen has given birth to a twin.”
!!!
The King’s face became pallid at once. He drew back a few steps. The feeling of stress and uneasiness came back and seized his body. He slowly looked at his consultant with distrusting eyes.
“What did you just say?”
…I am mistaken his words! The King prayed in his heart…It was the wind’s fault that distorted Enzo’s voice.
“Your ears still work well as always, Your Majesty,”
The door sprang opened. A noble looking lady in a purple silk rope entered the room. Her long shinning black hair was elaborately half-tied up on her head, letting the main run down along her spine. Her forehead was ornamented with a beautiful amethyst. The lustrous gem showed that she was a high ranking priestess. Her black eyes were fixed on the King, who was not even turning to look at her. The lady gave a deep sigh and moved toward the King.
“You must accept it, Your Majesty.” She spoke with soft and tranquil voice. Then, her voice suddenly changed in to serious and solemn sound. “The prophecy has already become true. The birth of the twin princes will bring misfortunes to our kingdom. We must do something to prevent it…”
“What is it, then!?” The King finally at his limit and bellowed at her. His face was pale as ever and spilling sweat. “What should I do? Tell me, Highest Priestess Ashlynn D. Vera!”
Priestess Ashlynn stepped forward and confronted the King. She tried to calm herself as much as possible. “Obviously, sire, you can’t let them live or else Valerius will be demolished…”
“Obviously, they are my only sons, for God’s sake!” The King retorted furiously. His eyes were glowing with rage that he couldn’t control it anymore. “You are the Oracle with the greatest power! That title of yours should have vouched it! You must know the way to prevent the calamities that the prophecy mentioned!”
The Oracle stood speechless. Even though she had the highest power of foreseeing, but there were dark mist among the kingdom that made her powerless. She couldn’t see what will happen in the future even when she tried meditation. But the only thing that she could sense was the dark and cruel aura that surrounded those new born. She certainly believed that the mighty magic power that the twin processed would become a threat to the kingdom. And she couldn’t let that happen to her kingdom.
“Your Majesty,” Priestess Ashlynn turned to the King once again. “You do know that if the twin combines their magic together, their power may raise to the highest point. When that time comes, even your magic or mine cannot do anything against them. But if we separate them, then they won’t be able to harm Valerius.”
“You mean I have to kill one of them!?” The King suddenly cried out when he finally understood the Oracle’s words. The Priestess nodded a little.
“But sire, you cannot do that!” Enzo sprang himself up with objection. “I rejected it! Let one live and end another? It’s the most vicious thing I ever heard!”
“It is the only way to save Valerius, Count Emerson.” The Oracle suppressed her own feeling. Then she curtsied to the King. “Please make your decision, sire.”
The King exhaustedly leaned himself against the study desk in the center of the room. He drooped down his grey eye and turned his back toward the others. It was the vast back that held Valerius’s destiny.
“Enzo, please give my eldest son a mercy killing…”
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very nice! its a story that i cant wait to read! your descriptions are very good, not too much and too little. your so-far plot is intoxicating! keep it up! i cant wait to read more!
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Okay, I know you said for reviewers not to take it too seriously, so I will not point out grammatical errors, tense shifts and these sorts of things. But please not that these thing are here, and it is hard to not point them out for some ;)
I feel like the beginning is really hard to follow, but right at the first dialogue segment it seems to begin to get much clearer. Perhaps you could revise the beginning to be as easy to follow? Just a personal opinion, of course.
However, despite the confusion and ‘need of editing’ to create an easier ride for the readers, you have a great hook in that the prophecy will be determined true or false tonight.
You keep referring to people wearing ropes. Do you mean robes? Or are they wearing only ropes? Or, are only the olor of the ropes that they where a status symbol? Perhaps elaborate a bit.
This was a very intiruing piece. What a horrible decision to have to make. I am curious as to what else happens, so good job on creating susence and interest. The story is very compelling and seems to have a strong backbone :)
Thanks for the read.
I’m a big fan on the tudor dynasty and this reminds me of it. I like the predicament that the king is stuck in on so many levels. You did a good job with the detail and description. I’m surprised his decision came so soon, but I’m sure you have some kind of twist that’ll keep this story interesting. Good plot and I’ll be reading future chapters.
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