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Sci Fi & Fantasy / The Reforming (Analysis)
The once proud Tzarian city of Kolett lay devastated in fire in the wake of warring Gods. It had once been filled with laughing children and their pets and toys, bustling marketplaces bursting with music and some of the most prosperous people of Caelar. Tall and wildly wiry trees had dotted the city streets and filled the air with a sweet and sensuous smell; now only ash and death remained.
Burning remnants of rounded, doorless abodes crackled and crumbled from the heat; the brick-laid streets were unrecognizable under rubble and debris. Thousands lay dead amongst the ruins, the odd surviving animal darting out in panic as the wind blew about the hot embers and thick flames. The bodies of the ethereally beautiful Tzarians were littered throughout, the terrified looks etched forever on their faces, haunting eyes often agape and hollow.
Atoli stirred beneath a mass of wood and stone that nearly crushed him. He groaned and blinked harshly at the dust floating in the air in an attempt to gain his senses. The crackle of fire was loud on his ears, and the heat was burning his face. A forceful uplift from his muscle-bound legs pushed him free from the rubble and his long, delicate fingers traced over the long gash across his chest. His pale lilac skin was burned, bruised and bleeding; large and woody hoof-like feet were charred and flickered like a burned out tree.
Vibrant azure eyes looked over the bodies that surrounded him and darkened as he peered through the fallen roof to the smoke-filled sky above. His mouthless face almost seemed to frown, becoming sorrowful and broken as he stepped out of the ruined building and looked upon his fallen city.
”The Gods have truly abandoned us.”
He aimlessly wandered the streets looking for survivors. Instead, he found the remains of friends who were barely recognizable, shattered windows, burnt silk fabrics and utterly destroyed statues. The trees were gone, the markets were indistinguishable, and not a single bit of life but him seemed to remain within the confines of the city.
With each painful step his hoofed appendages smoldered like a dying campfire brushed by a soft breeze. His eyes were squinted and watery, lungs burning from the smoke. Stray sparks and ash whipped up and lingered about his legs as he stopped at the final house. He closed his stinging, tearful eyes before stepping through the silken curtain that remained awkwardly hanging in the entryway. Beside the body of a small Tzarian boy, he found a young lote who clung to life. She was tiny and delicate, being feline in nature. Atoli’s eyes lightened slightly at the sight of the small animal which his people so revered. The creature opened her eyes weakly at the tall man and whimpered quietly as she attempted to move.
He knelt down carefully and picked up the frail beast, tucking her wings down gently beneath his arm as he looked her over, checking the scales amongst the fur for wounds and blemishes. His body hunched over quickly, shielding the innocent creature from the blow, as a support beam came crashing down beside him. The wood scraped and burned his arm as the building caved in, causing a deep and throaty growl to emanate from him.
Crisp feet sprayed sparks as he slowly walked away from his city, baby lote in tow; he could still hear the children laughing over the marvelous music. He wandered until the ruins of Kolett were gone beyond the distance. By the time he looked back, the snows had moved in and helped disguise the smoke and cool his damaged hooves.
It wasn’t until he reached the sea that Atoli finally stopped walking. His throbbing legs, overwhelmed by the endless journey and lack of sleep, finally gave way and sent him crashing to his knees. The poor lote went tumbling and scrambled away from the wave that tickled her feet. His heart fluttered inside his chest, distorting vision causing him to breathe shakily. His animal companion braved the water to paw desperately at his hands, though her growls could not keep him from collapsing, the lengthy man falling hard against the sand as his body faltered and crumbled.
He awoke to find the tide had pushed him up the beach, his faithful beast chewing on a fish it had either caught or found. The sun was shining beautifully, warming the cool air and his battered skin. Sea water had cleansed the wounds and filtered ash and debris from his dry, cracked hooves. He looked over the water, standing slowly to watch the playful young lote devour her spoils of war.
She gazed up at him and continued eating as he approached to rub her belly gently. The affection was nearly foreign to Atoli. Lotes were solitary, outdoor guardians who grew rapidly after their first months of life. They protected the city nearest to their birthplace, and although their loyalty was well renowned on Caelar, the animal was never made an addition to a home and rarely allowed those it watched over to make physical contact.
His hand swept over the soft blue and white fur covering the feline’s stomach, tilting his head to the side as he watched her finish off the fish. She kicked idly at his arm as she flexed her wings beneath her, the black, fuzzy feathers clashing arrogantly with her light coloured fur. The wings were stubby and not yet formed, and the contrast in colours would dissipate as she allied herself with a city.
”I must go, tiny thing.”
He stood slowly and looked up and down the beach before his eyes were cast to the three moons in the sky to gain his heading. With thunderous steps he began his walk towards the Borzak city of Grennan, leaving the young creature (who paid no attention) behind.
The long and arduous journey took days and ended in disappointment. A tall, barren stretch of mountains had erupted from the ground since he had last traveled to this city only a few year prior. Atoli’s eyes frowned at the sight and he stood quietly in contemplation. The jagged terrain of the mountain range forced a different path and made a simple but long travel into a dangerous trek into Ogre territory and diverted plans.
*
The cold winds roared through the high-shooting spears of the mountains, blowing powdery snow off the cliffs and ledges, creating blizzard-like conditions. Atoli’s skin was prickled with frost, his hoofs heavy and frozen with packed snow; his thin, animal hide loincloth seemed inadequate. The grunts, howls and barbaric laughs of an Ogre outpost rang through his ears nearly too late as the strong gusts lulled.
Surrounding a primitive campfire sat several large, bucktoothed ogres. Their stubby appendages were outdone only by their enormous stomachs which shook and jiggled with every movement. ”You see big, pointy horned horse?” said one.
”Mlegh it say!” The ogre held up the severed head of a large buck and made its mouth move, repeating his statement. His fellow brethren erupted into ground shaking laughter.
Atoli walked by the brutes slowly and quietly, only a few yards from their gathering spot. The snow and wind hid his frost-laden body with near perfection, liquid blue eyes sparkling in the firelight. He continued until Ogres took notice of the dancing light in his eyes, yelling and waving their arms, stomping loudly in his direction.
”We smells you!” Atoli stopped and slowly and turned his gaze towards the brutes who paused, twitching their stubby fingers nervously. They grunted worriedly and awkwardly fumbled for words. ”Go little fairies,” they begged in near unison. He turned and moved on from the superstitious giants who feared the most harmless of creatures.
Snow-blanketed darkness was finally broken by rays of sunlight breaking through the thick morning cloud cover. The winds had left Atoli’s ears ringing and the wounds on his chest and shoulder burning, his skin otherwise unaffected by the cold. Early glimpses of the spring season peeked out of the feet of snow that covered the clearing ahead of him. Some of the first flowers had already taken hold and rebelled against the brisk weather and harsh winds that now ravaged this land.
He recognized the territory and remembered it well when he reflected on its appearance, imagining the view before the mountain range had interrupted. Kolett had been on good terms with the people of the region and he could already smell the incense on the breeze; the camp was closer than before. Following the scent, he brushed through the woodland that bordered the clearing and was greeted by the patrolling guards with deep smiles and a near painful slap on the back. ”Atoli! You look awful!” A sarcastic thank you reverberated through the minds of the guards and they burst into laughter, leading him into their new city.
The woods had accepted the people into its grasp and homes had been built into the thick knots of the trees, the fungus adorning their bark had strengthened into platforms and stairs. It lightened his spirits to see the children playing in the streets, the shamans communicating with the earth and the friendly barter between merchant and buyer thriving.
”Ah, my friend!” He turned towards the voice. Coming down from a wooden platform was a large and wondrous beast. The body of a lithe lion stopped at the head, taken over by a muscular human torso. His golden skin was accented with soft fur which followed a thin line to his navel. A full head of naturally thin, tightly curled hair danced delicately about his slender face like a lush mane, accented by a groomed short beard along his jaw line. The man’s pristine smile faded and contorted to a worried frown as he approached Atoli, “You come alone.”
”I do, Noro.” Tears were swelling in his eyes as he looked over his dear friend, soft, breezy voice brushing the mind of the Borzak before him.
”Come, my friend, we will tend to your wounds.” Noro lead him through the streets where he received countless greetings, all returned with a genuine nod and smiling eyes. At the very center of the city and forest stood an ancient tree beyond measurable proportions, and it even dwarfed the other trees that seemed to soare endlessly upward; it stopped Atoli in his steps as he wondered how he had not noticed it from outside the forest. Perhaps the sheer size of the surrounding woods blocked its appearance, even from a distance. Noro looked back as he stepped into the twisted nether of the roots, “We do not question what the Mistress of Earth allows us to see.”
”Of course.” He followed his friend through the maze of roots and vines. The deep labyrinth of sprout-laden roots and fairy lights was mesmerizing. The walls were formed of tightly wound, thin, pulsating roots which sparkled like sheet of precious minerals; beautiful, brightly coloured fairies sat chattering in groups on the leaves and fungi growing among the tangles. Wide caverns and halls lead to rooms and stairwells which continued ever reaching into the ground.
The men walked through the endless system of life in silence; they were at ease within the quiet. Noro leaned into a door, asked for some assistance and nodded when someone replied.
Both men had to hunch down in the final stairwell which was large enough for even the tallest of Humes on Caelar. A great, rounded room opened up at the bottom of the stairs and was filled with lush green ferns and vibrantly coloured flowers. On the far wall was a precious gem mosaic of the likeness of Noro which the roots seemed to frame at their own accord. Atoli finally spoke, reverberating through the minds of all who were near enough, “What of the city of Grennan?”
Noro smiled half heartedly and only due to his faith, “I suppose the Mistress willed its rebirth.” His lion half laid quietly near a table of knots that grew from the ground as he reached to light a small pipe. ”Grennan had been under attack. I sent word, though it seems it never reached you.”
”Ogres?”
”I fear they have allied with someone. They held formation in battle.” Atoli’s face appeared to frown. ”The fawns will be here shortly to tend to your wounds.”
”Fawns?”
Noro seemed to hesitate, a saddened growl in his throat, “The news did not reach you, indeed.” A small, delicate and child-like woman stepped slowly into the room, careful to make sure she wasn’t interrupting. She was human to the waist and a speckled deer from any point thereafter, much as Noro in respect to his lion body. Her blue eyes twinkled as she bent one fawn leg to bow forward; had it been any other race, Atoli would have rejected the formality, but the Borzak would have found it an insult to do so. ”The Fawns are new to our people. They heal the soul to heal the body.”
Noro’s people were the only race that never questioned their existence or purpose, and never followed the path of any God, only nature (who they so-named The Mistress). They believed the animal’s body which held their Hume torso was the animal to which their spirit related. Each animal had its set place in the political food chain, yet all Borzak were equal in their own right.
The cat king rose and excused himself. ”You are leaving?” Atoli’s eyes almost seemed to shake with a tired uncertainty. His friend smiled and continued up the stairs.
The woman bustled around quietly to the fairies lighting the room and gathered them all to the knotty table. She seemed almost startled when she looked him over, “I apologize for staring, sir, I thought I had heard you speak.”
She could see a smile on his face though there was no mouth, cheeks lifting and extending outward slightly; she swore she could even feel the smile. The calm whisper of his voice lingered in her ears, “You did.”
Her eyes widened with surprise, sheer amazement flowing over her features. As fascinated as she was by him, he was equally with her. He knew every animal in the Spirit Centaur race, every ‘Mistress given’ ability; he knew their animal counterparts did not determine their wealth, acceptance, relationship partners or what their children would be. The Fawns were a recent birth and he knew only the few things Noro had mentioned and what stood before him.
She whispered quietly to the fairies who dimmed their glow, the fawn settling down before the man. He sat down as she motioned and listened to her while she softly hummed an enchanting tune. Her eyes lit her soft cheeks with a moon-touched glow and her fingers were warm as they danced over his exposed stomach. He likened her touch to a warm summer breeze: velvety soft and comforting, like a much needed hug.
Pressing down on his torso, she slowly massaged her hands over his bruised midsection, gouged chest, and along the burn that stung over his shoulder. To his surprise, her firm touch left his flesh feeling imbued with power and entirely without pain. He watched her silently as she inhaled deeply, a quiet, whispering breath echoing in his head. It was then he realized she was breathing for him, and her heart was beating in place of his.
Her small form rose to her feet and she placed her hands on the sides of his face, index and middle fingers pressing softly into his temples. Atoli felt his body pulsate and a surge of icy power flow through him like a ripple effect. The chill numbed his senses and fatigue swept over him, his vision a blur as though he had been cast into the sea.
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ruthybird reviewed Version 1 -
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Minor detail: on page 3, next-to-last paragraph, you have “Lote’s” where it should be “Lotes.”
Three moons are interesting.
The creatures evoke curiosity. What is going to come next?
Another similar minor detail: on page 1, “The God’s have truly abandoned us.”
At the very least, you need to take out the apostrophe. It’s just plural, not possessive. Also, generally when you refer to “gods” rather than “God,” you use a small “g,” but that is up to you.
All of this is fine description.
You give the story a sense of mystery by not fully describing the creature that was found. One wants to read on to find out more.
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martykate reviewed Version 2 -
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DragonQueen reviewed Version 2 -
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The once proud Tzarian city of Kolett lay devastated in fire in the wake of warring Gods. It had once been filled with laughing children and their pets and toys, bustling marketplaces bursting with music and some of the most prosperous people of Caelar. Tall and wildly wiry trees had dotted the city streets and filled the air with a sweet and sensuous smell; now only ash and death remained.
Good beginning.
I didn’t notice any of the things mentioned above. In fact I liked it. I had no problem getting through it and it kept my attention.
I know you aren’t going to like me after this, most people don’t, but I like it the way it is. I don’t believe you need to change aything.
creed reviewed Version 2 -
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The opening sound a lot like a level from the first god of war game, with the gods laying wastes to cities and such. the whole things sounds like a hybrid of lord of the rings and god of war. a hybrid is normally better ad this piece is such a case. a little more detail in the main characters would be good. i look foward to reading more.
jungsnkim reviewed Version 2 -
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Overall, I tend to like sci-fi fiction to be about humans and the evolution of technology, I rarely enjoy fantasy stories like this one. It is somewhat familiar though to CS Lewis, who was a theologist, I believe. Anyways, it’s got it own uniqueness and blends well to another vision of the same nature. However, I found that the section I read was too fast. It seemed like you blended everything too quickly to move the reader into one scene after the next. It may be I was in the middle of a novel and which would have required previous background lingo and info on the main character. Though, I thought you moved all action into two line sentences. Though extremely rich in detail, I needed the pace to slow down. I wanted to see more than two line sentences on each place and action the main character went through from the devastated city to his journey to the water and then mountains all moved too fast. I think you hit all the high notes with your descriptions quite well but beef it up by maybe dummying it up so the reader has a chance to breath in the scene, setting, and character. The whole thing moves like rapid dialogue, like in the conversation with the lion thing, the pace was finally correct. I hope you understand what I mean here and hope it helps. I think it’s great potential for those who enjoy the story line. Maybe it’s because I don’t generally read this type of fiction. I’d make it more readable for a younger age group, it is reminiscent of course to CS Lewis and I don’t think it was meant as a children’s story but it succeeded as such. Good luck overall.
SwordMistress reviewed Version 2 -
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This is the start of an intriguing story. The races you created are interesting and I am left wanting to know more about them and their world.
“Atoli stirred beneath a mass of wood and stone that nearly crushed him.” I would start the story here. It’s a much more compelling beginning. It pulls ther reader in with immediate action and questions we want answered.Then work in the descriptions of the first two paragraphs (which are well done) later after some action is established.
I don’t understand why the main character’s behavior has been an issue in other reviews. I think your description of him, his strength, the lilac skin, and the hoof-like feet clearly indicate he’s not human and I wouldn’t expect him to act like one.
“His mouthless face” If he is truly mouthless it wouldn’t hurt to have a description of how he is able to talk.
“clashing arrogantly with her light coloured fur.” I am not sure ‘arrogantly’ is the best word choice here.
“few year prior.” years
“loincloth seemed inadequate” I would just say ‘was inadequate.’ Either it is or is isn’t and obviously in this weather it would be.
”Mlegh it say!” I have no idea what this means.
“until Ogres” until the Ogres.
“Atoli stopped and slowly” I would make it clearer here that the ogre are talking. With Atoli’s name right after the dialogue it seems like he’s talking at first.
“A sarcastic thank you reverberated through the minds of the guards” What do you mean it reverberated through their minds? Was it so loud. Does Atoli speak telepathicially? If he does you should indicate this when he first speaks.
“and entirely without pain” The word ‘entirely’ is not needed. Either there’s pain or there isn’t.
I agree with you about the travel. I think you have included what is needed to advance the plot. Any more details are not needed at this point.
mrkawaiipenguin reviewed Version 1 -
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You have some words used in an odd context: L7 weight/frame, L8 harshly, L10 uplift/strain, L10 significant/major, L11 flickered/?, L18 felled/?, L24 fussed/?, L30 disguised/covered (disguised implies surprise),
Was the heat actually burning his face? Or did it just feel that way? Most people run screaming if their face is on fire. I know I would.
If he has a mouth less face how can he speak or eat? Where’s this deep throaty growl coming from? He doesn’t have a mouth.
The support beam coming down doesn’t cause anything. He does it upon his own volition.
I see the destroyed city. Though none of his trek. All I know is that it’s snowing where he’s gone. I’d like to know more about his travels. It seems like everything is a day or two walk apart. The biggest problem isn’t with the detail. The problem is why I would care. I have no understanding other than the Gods fought and destroyed the land. Why should I care about this mouth less creatures with lilic skin, skinny fingers, and hooves? There may be much implied but no reasons. Give your readers a desire to know more and they will morn the last page.
DCAllen reviewed Version 1 -
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The strength of this is the physical description of Atoli and the lote.
Is/Was Kolett a holy city? Desecrate means to profane, not specifically to destroy. The word decimate wouldn’t be wrong here since you’ve used the word proud to personify Kolett.
How is Atoli speaking if he doesn’t have a mouth? Is he thinking the parts in quotation marks? And when he speaks to the lote?
Proofreading notes:
the terrified look etched (Better: terror etched forever . . .)
often agape (delete often. There’s a casualness about this word that’s out of place here.)
crushed his weight (weight sounds like the wrong word here. By using a generic word like “weight,” you’re also missing an opportunity to describe him more fully.)
Syntax: ” . . . in an attempt . . .” This phrase needs to be moved so that it is not modifying the dust in the air.
muscle bound legs = musclebound or muscle-bound
who barely clinged (Better: barely clinging . . .. The past of cling is clung.)
What does unrenowned mean? Do you mean renowned?
FrakKevin reviewed Version 1 -
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I really liked the beginning. After the first paragraph I could tell you are a skilled writer. The description of what had become of the town was great. You giving us a short description of how the town before the incident was a smart thing to do. This story for some reason has the feel of 300 or the movie 10,000 B.C. to it. Very good intro that would get readers interested in whats to come. This show cased your talent which you have very much of
Weaver reviewed Version 1 -
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“desecrated” – Is this a holy city of some sort? If not, “desecrate” may not be the best verb here. Would “lay devastated in fire” sound better?
I like your proper nouns – they’re strange yet pronouncable.
“only ash and death remained” – Especially with this connected to the previous by a semicolon, this sounds a bit abrupt. How about adding a word – “now only ash…”?
semicolon or period, not comma, before “the brick-laid streets”
“Tzarian’s” – “Tzarians” (use apostrophe only for possesive form)
“the terrified look” – “terrified looks”?
“nearly crushed his weight” – This doesn’t sound right. His weight?
comma after “on his ears”
“A strong and forceful uplift from his muscle bound legs” – “muscle-bound” – too many adjectives here – no need to say both “strong” and “forceful” and then say that his legs are muscular – any one or perhaps two of htese would get the point across sufficiently
“significant wound” – significant? – again, not sure if this is the right adjective
“pale lilac skin” – Aha! First information that definitely says these people aren’t humans…
semicolon, not comma, after “bruised and bleeding”
“burned out tree” – “burned-out”
“Wondrous azure eyes” – “Wonderous” implies someone having an opinion of these eyes – Who else is there observing him, for them to think his eyes are wonderous? (Surely this isn’t what he is thinking of them…) How are his eyes wonderous? Are they an especially intense shade of blue, or something like that? If so, why not use that as a description instead?
“His mouthless face” – Do you mean actually mouthless, or just lacking lips? He could really be mouthless – I don’t know enough yet about the kind of being he is, and for all I know he could be something that doesn’t eat, just absorbs energy from the air… but I thought you should know that that detail is going to jump out at readers and make them say “Huh?!?”
“decimated” – This is a tough call… Technically, this word would mean that one tenth of the building had been destroyed, but it is often used incorrectly these days as a synonym for “destroyed utterly.” I’d suggest finding another word, but that’s just my opinion.
“The God’s” – “Gods”
”...within the confines of the city but him.” – I’d recommend placing “but him” earlier in the sentence: ”not a single bit of life but him seemed to remain”
“each felled step” – “felled”? – what are you trying to say?
period, not comma, after “soft breeze”
comma after “small Tzarian boy”
“barely clinged” – “clung” – be careful of overusing “barely” and “remain”
“opened its eyes” – “her eyes” – you’ve already identified the creature as female
“fussed to move” – “fussed” sounds too colloquial – do you mean “struggled to move” or “attempted to move”?
“tucking her wings” – sounds quite pretty – a winged feline… I want one. :)
You do a good job of describing the lote – you work the details into what is happening, instead of stopping everything to say “Lotes are small winged felines with scales as well as fur…”
“His body hunched over…” awkward sentence – I recommend changing word order: ”His body hunched over quickly, shielding the innocent creature from the blow, as a support beam came crashing down beside him.”
comma after “he looked back”
comma after “distorting vision”
“beastly” – This word has connotations of negative beast qualities, which definitely doesn’t fit the dainty little lote. You could simply say “animal companion” here instead.
comma after “at his hands”
“playful, young lote” no comma
I like how you describe the lote’s fish as “spoils of war” – no doubt that is how the lote herself sees it. :) Should be “her spoils,” though, not “its,” if you’re referring to the lote as “her.”
“Lote’s were solitary” – “Lotes”
“birth place” – “birhtplace” – comma after
“their loyalty was unrenowned” – I think this says the opposite of what you mean here – “unrenowned” would mean “not widely acclaimed or honored” – Glad you make lotes a bit unlike housecats, though, in their behavior and function… makes ‘em more than just ‘a cat by another name.’
“clashing arrogantly with her light coloured fur” – Not an adverb I’d have thought to use, but “arrogantly” really works. It is emphatic and very “cat-ly.”
comma after “not yet formed”
“Spirit Centaur city of Grennan” – This is one name that just doesn’t work for me… the “Spirit Centaur” part, I mean. It’s too connected to our myths, instead of being its own thing the way the other place names and words like “Tzarian” and “lote” are.
“(who paid no attention)” – Well, of course… :) Got to allow lotes a little “cat-itude,” after all.
“long travel, into a dangerous” – no comma
Despite the various problems with word choice and punctuation, I think this is a well-written story and a good set-up for something longer. You have done a good job so far of making this world your own creation rather than a bland, cliche imitation of some game setting or whatnot (as all too many fantasy stories are) – keep it up. This story was a pleasure to read, and I look forward to seeing what happens with Atoli next.
(I do suggest that next time, you don’t list so many Criteria that mean the same thing; it isn’t necessary.)
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