Young Adult / Vampyre's Moon (Analysis)
Seth just finished serving his 87th costumer and he sighed exhaustingly. I laughed. “I’m tired,” he said giving me a lopsided smile. I chuckled. “Wait here a second, okay?” “Okay,” I said taking a sip from my soda. Seth came back out without his apron tied around his waist. He jumped over the bar counter and took my hand. “Where are we going?” I asked, my face twisting up in confusion. “Outside,” he simply answered. Okay, someone’s not in the mood, I thought following him outside. We squeezed our way through the many dancers and finally made it outside. “Why are we out here?” I asked. “Because I realized that I haven’t kissed you tonight,” he said giving me a lascivious smile. “Really?” I replied, returning the same sexy smile. Seth nodded and leaned into me. The kiss was soft and lingering and it made my insides burn with pleasure. Seth worked his way to my neck and his kisses were light at first, but I started to have a gut reaction. Something wasn’t rite and I knew something was going to happen. “Seth what are you doing?” I asked breathlessly. “Don’t worry about it,” he whispered to my hair. Suddenly, I felt a ripping at my skin. I tried to scream, but no sound came. It felt as if half my blood was being drained out. I could feel my heartbeat slowly fade and weakness in my knees. There was nothing I could do, but wait. Wait until it was all over. Seth pulled away from my neck and I fell clumsily to the floor, but before I could touch the ground, Seth caught me and held a gaze between our eyes. And I tried to look away because it was the scariest thing I’ve ever seen. His usual ice blue eyes were black with a red liquid swimming in them . . . It looked like blood . . . my blood. To distract myself, I looked at his mouth, which was slightly open, and tried to breathe. His usual canine teeth disappeared and were replaced by look sharp fangs dipped in the same red liquid that swam in his cold dark eyes. “Seth . . . what did you do?” I asked, before falling into complete darkness
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I’m not sure what age group you’re going for, but the first part seemed really sexual to me. Also, I would separate it into multiple paragraphs, make it read more smoothly. But that dirty Seth! Now I’m interested and want to know more. So good work!
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Good piece overall you just need to clean it up. Like take the word and out in the sentence serving 87th cosumer, sighed exhaustingly. Just go through and read this out loud and clean it up and it will be a great read! Good work
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It’s not my genre, but the biggest critique is the dialogue is disjointed, and part of that may be due to the way Urbis formats the original text.
There’s a niche for this material, but I might not be somebody who would be interested. Good work on the vocabulary, but work on the dialogue a bit more. Dialogue can be difficult.
Next time, write about werewolves.
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