Thank you! Darn typos.
Young Adult / Time of Dying-Part One
The night was quiet. In the pale moonlight the frosty snow glittered pleasantly and animals walked calmly. A deer scampered through the small clearing of evergreens and stopped, nosing its face down into the cool, white substance to root around for dead grass.
It was Christmas Eve and the town of Cascade Locks was barricaded behind their doors. The inhabitants of the town were cozily curled up in their warm beds waiting for Santa to come and all was well. There was nothing to disturb the serenity of this night or so it seemed.
Through the darkness crept a boy, his steps deliberate and soft on the crunching snow. Dressed in black from head to toe, he would have blended into the shadows had it not been for his ghostly white skin. He also seemed to be quite at ease in the cold and dark. Sounds in the darkness did nothing to him and he walked along quite as relaxed as if he were on an afternoon stroll. He flexed his long fingers to keep the warmth in them as he turned his head to look behind him.
Following behind him was another boy, whose steps were more clumsy and hasty. He was quite the opposite of the boy he was following. He was dressed all in blue with the exception of his white running shoes. His blond hair stuck out from beneath his stocking hat and glittered in the moonlight. His teeth were chattering and his hands were cold and numbing. He wanted to be inside his home drinking hot chocolate with the tiny marshmallows in it and listening to the Billy Gilman Christmas CD that his mom had bought for him. In his thoughts of warmth and country Christmas carols, he’d forgotten to pay attention to what the other was doing and ran right into him in his haste.
”You wanna watch where you’re going?” snapped the first. He extended his hand, pale and thin, to the younger boy and helped him off the ground. “Are you going to be quiet or do I have to send you home?”
In all honesty he would have preferred going home. At least there he could wrap himself in the afghan on the back of the couch and fall asleep to the sounds of his parents wrapping last minute Christmas gifts for aunts and uncles they hadn’t seen in months. But he’d agreed to come on this little mission so he shook his head, hoping that would be enough for his brother.
It seemed to be as his brother turned around in the darkness and crept down on his hands and knees. He beckoned for the younger to follow his lead and as he did a scream shattered the night air. It was close to where the two boys were kneeling down and a chill that had nothing to do with the snow went up the younger’s back. He fell into the snow on his stomach and put his hands over his ears to block out the shrill scream that pierced his heart like a stake.
”Get up!” his older brother shouted. He grabbed him roughly by the back of his jacket and hoisted him to his feet. “Get the fuck going!”
He didn’t need telling twice and set off at sprint in the direction of tehir home, slipping on the snow and ice, and didn’t stop until he reached the front step of the house. He doubled over and clutched at a pain in his side. The darkness and silence closed in on him as he stood there trying to catch his breath and he suddenly became aware that there was no other person beside him, nobody else struggling to catch their breath. He straightened up and peered into the distance towards the trees across from their front step and squinted his eyes, but there was nothing, not even an overturned leaf to catch his attention.
Fear caught in his chest as the scream from a few minutes ago grabbed hold of him again. It resounded in his ears, banging around in his head like pots and pans. Where was Mack? What the hell was he playing at? Another scream ripped through the still night air and this time it wasn’t female.
”MACK!”
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imara219 reviewed Version 1 -
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I think you can def identify or label your characters a little bit different. For example, I do like it that you slowly reveal that they are brothers, however, it becomes confusing when you do because I’m constantly trying to figure out which brother you are referring to. I know you did the “younger” and “first” as ways to identify who is who, but after a while you should mix them up. You do a wonderful job setting up the scene, providing a solid atmosphere and mood, so you are quite descriptive. I think it might benefit you to use a the color of one of their shirts as a way to identify who is who, some feature that you used to describe them. You sorta do, which is great, but perhaps more of it. I think this is a great and vibrate piece. I do believe the last two paragraphs need more tightening, besides that though good work.
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traininvain reviewed Version 1 -
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The second sentence in the first paragraph, you use two adverbs: pleasantly and calmly. You could cut these out by using the action to display the emotion—i.e., instead of “animals walked calmly,” try “animals strolled.”
And actually, I’d scratch the first paragraph completely and start with the second straight off. It’s more of a grabber. However, it has a lot of passive voice. Instead of “The inhabitants of the town were cozily curled up…” just say “The inhabitants of the town cozily curled up…”. And rather than “There was nothing to disturb…”, you could use “Nothing could disturb…” Etc.
The grammar and dialogue is good, and I really like how you twisted the story around. From the opening I assumed this would be a pleasant Christmas story but it ended up being something completely different.
sjvance reviewed Version 1 -
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“the animals walked calmly” is a little weird here.
“Sounds in the darkness did nothing to him and he walked along quite as relaxed as if he were on an afternoon stroll. ” This needs rewording -he was not bothered by sounds in the darkness, or something like that. Also take out the first “as” in the sentence.
“It seemed to be as his brother turned around in the darkness and crept down on his hands and knees.” – seemed to be what? comma after it seemed to be. This sentence should be in the same paragraph as the one before it.
You have some minor grammatical things, words missing or out of place in the sentence. This is going to be a good story, you just need to rework some things. I think the boys names are fine where you have them, and you have described the atmostphere well. I will look forward to the next post. :)
ames_plaza reviewed Version 1 -
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At first, it seemed as if this book was targeted at a young audience, like 10 or 11, until the one boy said “get the fuck going.” That was a bit of a shocker. i do think that you shoudl identify the names of the characters earlier, but perhaps just the other boy’s, not mack’s. It helps to know who you’re talking about.
i found a couple other things that could use another look:
“other was doing ” i would suggest saying “other boy” right here, to avoid any confusion.
“direction of tehir home” their.
<3 ames plaza.
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