Poetry / The Din Within (Analysis)

Wow, this is very well written. I really like the lines that include “thoughts scramble, like ivy bramble” that is a really unique way of putting that. The  ”feeling like an old tired tree weathered trunk peeling” didn’t sound right. I would rework that some, or just do some word rearrangement. It just doesn’t seem right to cut it at tree and start it at weathered. Overall, great read. I like the style of your writing and how you arrange it on the page.

It is strange how within the mind so many things can happen all at once, and the complexity of it all can be confounding. You do a great job exploring that point when we almost can stand no more.

I really like this. It reminds me a lot of my own works. i like the dark and gloominess it implies.

Original images well written.  The flow is good too. I like the way you used vines v/s thoughts and how you can feel lost and over taken. Even the use of yellow jackets is great as life makes me feel sometimes like I have a buzz going on in my head. Gread work!!!

there doesn’t seem much noise, din, until the yellow jackets at the end.

big suggestion that lines are condensed into stanzas

start of good imagery with brambles and trees

a couple questions to answer: why is the din more you can take? What is this identity that is no more like you?

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June 27, 2008

by Sweettouch

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271	66.4% (140 votes)	26.3%

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44	F	Walsenburg, CO	March 02

Din – whirling of thoughts within, feelings – of gloom doom ect . . . The noise withing is not an audible sound but noise none the less.

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i like what you’re doing for here, but i feel like there are some things that you do that really aren’t serving you well. the rhymes, for instance, do nothing for this poem. they seem out of place in the context of the whole and, in my opinion, actually weaken it. they’re distracting. also “feeling like an old tired tree” doesn’t work for me. simile in general is kind of anticlimactic and maybe just identify yourself AS an old tired tree. the image is clear enough for that. lastly, the “cough cough/wheeze” lines are unnecessary. you’ve made what you’re saying clear enough w/o those 2 lines; they seem almost there solely to fill space. i thought this was a powerful image: “yellow jackets nesting in my brain/the sting of the memories,” and i’d like to see you go more in this direction and bring out the full potential in this poem, because it’s THERE. =)

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June 27, 2008

by Sweettouch

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44	F	Walsenburg, CO	March 02

As I have stated before I do not write the rhymes they write themselves and my use of words here were not chosen but automatic and what seems not to work for you in this poem seems to work quite well for the majority of the readers.  I am of the feeling that one that does not suffer panic attacks and the like does not comprehend this poem so well as those that suffer manic depressiona nd the like. I am not  sufferer myself but having been very close to several that have and having seen them read this and cry for the truth of the identity created, am convinced that only those it was written for can feel it.

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I LOVE this.  Oooo  ”looking to me, to make sence of it all.”  i love that line.  The imagry is spectacular, and the illution to the tree is a good one.  I can see the old, Oak lets say, striving to survive under the weight of years of over growth.  I wouldn’t really change antyhing about it.  ”the coke rises, the smoke devisises” threw me off for a moment, but on a second read, i liked it.  VERY WELL DONE.   love it.

This is really quite beautiful, just because of your choice of words and how they flow.
Just nit picking but…
‘Feeling like an old tierd tree’
to me just really takes away from the poem, personally, I think it’s the word ‘tree’.
It’s just so primitive…you have successfully built up this delicate atmosphere with amazing imagery of ivy-like thoughts, and then there is the word, ‘tree’.
It’s just a bit in the way.
But that’s all I have to say about the matter, it’s not that important.
I really like this poem and I love the format which you’ve chosen to present it.
Cool stuff!
Chloé

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June 25, 2008

by Sweettouch

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271	66.4% (140 votes)	26.3%

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44	F	Walsenburg, CO	March 02

ahhh but you missed something – even the ivy is weathered not delicate – as it is bramble.

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I enjoyed your topic and your style.  The only criticism I have is that you reach a sort of crescendo towards the end and then it seems only half-developed.  All the death, pain, decay and torment builds to this great level, and then the poem ends in a few lines.  Perhaps this is the emotion you wanted me to feel when reading it, but if not, you may want to develop the ending only a little further.

Great poem. The imagery is excellent and the as well. I reread it several times. I really like the way that it flows, as is. There is nothing that I would change-great poem!