Thank you, I don’t think I have read / seen sleeping with the enemy…you mean some other bugger wrote it before me? Damn! ;) A helpful review and your proofreading is, as always, a God send. Or should that be God-send? ;) I do keep reading my style book and I hope I’m improving.
Short Story / The End (Analysis)
Sarah shivered. It was a fitting place to draw an end to everything; the end of a life she hated, in a place she despised. She stood on the promenade looking at the long, thin strip of sand that stretched for miles in either direction. Six consecutive summers she had been dragged to this place, this hell on earth with its cheap B&B’s, scratchy sheets and even scratchier landladies. Six years of stretching out on the gritty, dirty sand amongst the other hundreds who flocked here every summer. Row upon row of overweight, pasty skinned Brits, roasting themselves until the colour of lobsters, drinking warm beer and eating cold chips. She shuddered at the thought and started towards the headland.
The place looked so different now, so bleak. Steel gray waves crashed onto the sand, frothy edged and laced with debris. Gulls whirled overhead, their screams lost in the roaring wind. She pulled her coat tighter around her, smiling at the irony of protecting herself from the cold considering what was ahead.
It had taken months of planning, everything had to be just so: the wind, the tide, the weather, the old man that always walked his dog along the cliff top at 5pm. Everything. This time she was not coming back. The first time she had tried to leave had been after just six months, five and a half years ago. She had begged him to make his children, overly jealous of their father and idolising of their mother, to treat her with a little respect. She hadn’t been asking for much, just that they stop calling her “thingy” and start calling her Sarah, that they stop refusing to eat the meals she cooked and unplugging the washing machine with her work clothes in halfway through it’s cycle. He said she was making too big a deal out of it, being childish, playing into their hands; but she had put her foot down and walked. After five days he had begged her to come back, couldn’t live without her, he said. Things would change, he said. As soon as she had walked in the door and seen the piles of unwashed dishes and laundry she had realised that the part of her they couldn’t live without was the maid, though, not the woman. And yet she stayed. Even now she couldn’t tell you why. Hope, maybe? Denial? That pathetic, all encompassing need of hers to be vital to someone other than herself?
It was two years later that she made her second bid for freedom. She had done it, she was gone, she had packed up and left while they were all out. Within hours her mother had sat her down for a chat. She was being selfish and petulant. She had to think of others. Sarah had thought she meant the children and tried to explain that they didn’t love her or even like her for that matter, they told her so everyday as she walked around picking up their books, cleaning their clothes, handing out her money. Her mother hadn’t meant them though. “They are my grandchildren now, Sarah. You can’t just take that away from me. You need to start thinking how your actions affect others.”
Guilt. Hours of it, days filled with it. Nagging, oppressive, brow beating guilt, until she began to question herself. Maybe she was being too rash. Maybe things could be different this time. Perhaps it was mostly her fault. And everyone knew the two teenage girls needed a solid female role model since their mother died. “Those poor, poor children,” her mother had lamented on an almost hourly basis. She had gone back.
The last three and a half years had passed by in a blur of drudgery. Work, clean, cook, wash. Work, clean, cook, wash. Broken up by the life saving, in more ways than one, daily swimming sessions and a dreaded and despised yearly trip to this beach.
Standing on the shore stripping off her clothes, she couldn’t believe she had fallen for it – after all those years of living with her mother she should have been immune to emotional blackmail – but she had, and she probably would again. It would always be the same, if not him, then her family. Guilt, guilt, guilt, until she broke. This was the only way to truly be free of them.
Stepping into the cold water the sound of their voices rang in her ears. “Sare, where’re my books?” “Sare, why isn’t my washing done?” “Sare, why’s dinner late?” “Sare, Sare, Sare?” She hated it when they called that.
She turned back to check on the old man on the cliff top, it was imperative that he witness this. How dreadful if no-one knew, if no-one actually saw her do it. The awkward questions and too thorough searching it might raise could be disastrous. This time she was not coming back.
The water lapped at her stomach and her body screamed against the cold as she stood, shivering in the gloom, waiting for him notice her. When she was certain he had she took one final look at the shore, her clothes piled neatly, a note and ID in the pocket of her jeans, and dived in. The dark, icy water closed over her head, taking her breath away. She sent up a silent prayer that everything had gone according to plan and made towards the bay opposite.
Strong strokes took her out past the breakwaters and she knew it was only a matter of time before her strength gave out or the cold got to her, she had to be fast. Please let him be there. She glanced around and spotted it. The slow, methodical blinking orange light. Just another fisherman anchored in the bay after a long day at sea. The thought of the hot thermos of tea and warm clothes she knew would be waiting for her spurred her on and she started taking one strong stroke after another, determined to leave this life with a confidence that she had never felt in it.
Four weeks later, a young waitress picked up a rare British newspaper left behind by a tourist. Search called off. Family devastated. Full story inside.
Called off? She flicked to page five. There it was, alongside a picture of her alleged grieving husband with some busty blonde she had never seen before who was, according to the newspaper, “a close friend of the family“. Right there in black and white. Search called off.
She smiled and tossed the paper back onto the table. Freedom at last.
You need to log in to urbis or create an urbis account to review this writing.
Reviews
Sort Reviews by Newest | Oldest | Highest Quality | Lowest Quality | Newest Comments |
raynola reviewed Version 4 -
Read 100% of the Item
I like this story, it’s clear you’ve put some work into it. It leads one to believe that it’s a suicide in the making until the hints like “too-thorough searching”. But how does she know the fisherman? Is this her man on the side who helps her escape to a new life, her analogue to the busty blonde she sees in the paper? The ending is a bit abrupt, although it says what it needs to say, I suppose.
You asked for some grammar/punctuation:
“She turned back to check on the old man on the cliff top, it was imperative that he witness this”: use semicolon, not comma
I think “no-one” should not be hyphenated: use “no one”, or I actually think “nobody” sounds better if you read it out loud.
“too thorough searching”: hyphenate too-thorough, although to be honest I find the phrase sounds a little awkward.
“the bay opposite”: is this Brit-speak for “the opposite shore”? (You’re still anonymous to me at this point; apologies if you’re from Ireland or Brooklyn). Isn’t she swimming in a bay? If not, is she swimming towards a bay across the expanse of water she’s in? I’m a little confused.
“a rare British newspaper left behind by a tourist”: I can guess that you mean “it’s rare that a tourist would leave behind a paper” but on first read it sounds like the newspaper itself is a rare collectible. Maybe leave it out? The fact that tourists rarely leave newspapers behind isn’t really all that relevant to the plot.
Nice job.
- add/view comments (4)
DCAllen reviewed Version 4 -
Read 100% of the Item
The story is strong, but it is reminiscent of a Julia Roberts movie a few years back (Sleeping with the Enemy?) That said, I think the character is rendered well. There could be more prose devoted to her relationship with her children. You could also put some more energy into the end. Freedom at last is the feeling you want, but I’m not sure if you should use this hackneyed expression.
Proofreading notes:
everything; the end (The em-dash would be better here. Strictly, what follows the semicolon must be a complete sentence. The only exception to this is the semicolon within a list to show the larger divisions when there are commas in one or more of the items.)
B&B’s = B&Bs (plural, not possessive)
it’s cycle. = its
maid, though, (Better: . . . maid – not the woman.)
Syntax: “It was two years later . . .” (Better: Two years later, she . . .)
told her so everyday = every day (everyday is an adjective, as in one’s everyday life.)
brow beating guilt = brow-beating
since their mother died. = had died
life saving = life-saving
when they called that. (her missing?)
cliff top, it was (Comma splice. Excellent place for the semicolon.)
The word questions collocates with raise, but searching doesn’t. Would lead to work better here for both nominals?
certain he had (The repetition of the verb would be good here: . . . certain he had noticed her . . .)
ames_plaza reviewed Version 4 -
Read 100% of the Item
I really liked this story, it wasn’t just another stupid suicide story, it was an escape. I really liked the end, it caught me off guard. My favorite line, pertaining nothing to the story line, has got ot be about the fat british people on the beaches dirnking warm beer. that’s classy. heh.
i do have a few suggestions for you though:
“Within hours her mother had sat her down for a chat.” I would take out the word “had,” it’s really unneccessary and using straong verbs (without the “filler” helpping verbs makes your writing stronger). You use the word “had” often. I would suggest changing this, it makes your work passive. Instead of saying, “She had gone back” say “she went back.” Again, strong verbs = strong writing.
“Standing on the shore stripping off her clothes” You could use a comma after shore.
“and dived in. ” dove.
<3 ames plaza
Zakari39 reviewed Version 4 -
Read 100% of the Item
Powerful reading. I felt pulled into Sarah’s bleak despair – and in a way, the shorter word count makes for a more insistent read, as if the drawn out details of a longer piece would detract from Sarah’s visceral need to escape.
I liked her planning and the brevity of it’s description – is the fisherman aware of why she needs his help?
Quite cleverly – the first few pages make you think she is planning to drown, to end it all…but the illusion of it’s appearance when revealed is refreshing (it would be a rather short book if she did top herself I guess!).
Overall – a good mix of tight description and emotion, well thought out.
Sarah’s likeability didn’t register to me – I was more caught up in believing her situation – you wouldn’t necessarily have to like her to feel her anguish.
B_HDouglas reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
Line 5, p. 2 ...meant them though. (not ,.). Then, if you are going to quote the grandmother in the next sentence, you need parenthesis and a space to keep with the rules. ’Guilt.’ should begin the next paragraph if I am correct.
I am fascinated how some of us love the greatest kinds of heroes, who defy meaningless traditions and ploys against their suffering, and come out on top. That alone makes this a great story, because not many people are that smart, and Sarah was obviously meant to come out on top. I think her responsibility issues will catch up to her, so knock us out with some kind of thrilling need to defy this adultering hubby. We will be on your side! I like the name Sarah already, love it actually, and your Sarah has my love and approval too.
EAnonymous reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
“smiling a tight smile” -> wearing a tight smile?
“just so; the wind,” -> semicolon (;) should be a colon (:)
“She had begged him” -> who’s “him”? can’t we have a name?
“calling her thingy” -> ‘thingy’ (in quotes)
“He couldn’t live without her,” -> take out the commas in this sentence and replace them with periods.
“She had done it,” -> same with the commas in this sentence.
“Within hours her mother had been sitting…” -> her mother sat...
“She was being selfish,” – the mother or Sare? it’s unclear. Also, that comma should be a period.
“they didn’t love her, they didn’t even like her.” -> love her, or even like her
“matter of time before either her” -> ‘either’ isn’t necessary.
I like the twist at the end, but it seems random. Maybe a few more hints would help. How did she get away/survive?
vickihowery reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
First of all , I loved Sarah. I felt for this character . Your writing allowed me to understand her history and celebrate her freedom .
I thought the story started and finished quite strong. I have read this several times now and can not find anything I would cut, it is all crucial to the telling of Sarah.
I wanted to find something to improve on , I am sorry but I can’t . I enjoyed this story , I found it inspiring.
Double reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
Gripping. If for no other reason the amount of people i know stuck in that position. You were able to explain her misery and why she needed out quite well. The ending made you hope that she was one hell of a swimmer! Definitely holds a persons interest!
JF reviewed Version 1 -
Read 33% of the Item
thought I critiqued this earlier.
In short, I loved it but felt a bit jilted in the end. Although I was rather relieved that Sarah survived her life to move on, I was mystified as to how she was able to do that since you clearly didn’t leave any possibility of that happening in your opening dialog. Had you mentioned a boat in the distance, a plane over head, a lighthouse somehwere in the described scenery or even a lifeguard chair, woefully abondoned after tourist season and warm weather had departed. Basically ANYTHING to give me an idea of how she accomplished her survival. As it is, I am left with some Burmuda Triangle experience that plucked her out of the water and placed her in a restuarant somewhere else in the world. Otherwise a very quick paced, pull the reader along piece of work.
Loved it! JF
Ronny1 reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
Hi,
I’m just going to keep writing as I read. My first impression is that your writing is pretty tight. Probably the main thing I could contribute are a few suggestions on how to tighten this up further. For example the first paragraph. This is ok, and it links to the title. It also gets us straight into the story with the knowledge that this is an ending – but by the same token the start of something new.
How about this?
Sarah shivered. It was an awful place to draw an end to everything. She looked back at the concrete promenade stretching for miles in either direction. It seemed like it would never end. Like the hateful life she’d lived here. She despised the place. For six consecutive summers she’d been dragged to this place, this hell on earth. Six consecutive years living out of cheap hotels, B&Bs with scratchy sheets, and scratchier land ladies. How many hours had she spent on that gritty sand amid the hundreds who flocked here every summer?
This is just an example, but the principle thing is just to tighten up, lose a few unnecessary words and add a few that bring things to life more.
I like the the way you build from here. Some nice imagery of tourists, the sea, waves – you might want to reconsider some of your imagery – does debris actually lace the water – feels like another word would be better. Also Seagulls whirling – something like soaring would be better.
I find it a little unbelievable that his kids would still be calling her ‘thingy’ after six months – something more realistic is advisable. This may be your biggest challenge. The subject you have chosen is huge. For a short story you really need to quickly make me believe in and feel for the character. The problem I’m having with that is the way you describe her life – it maks her seem like a complete pushover which she clearly isn’t – what kind of person is she – how did she deal with six years of being abused by her step kids? Did she have any friends? I have worked with many victims of abuse and their stories are harrowing, at this stage Sarah’s sounds like a family who should be on Supernanny.
There is a lot of detail to add here, otherwise the ending doesn’t feel right. Its nice to know she gets away, but without really having any more understanding of the situation eg: the deeper reasons for her guilt, the way her husband manipulated her (or not), it seems a bit unrealistic for her to have gone to such extreme lengths to get away – if she had simply had the strength to walk away with her head held high I would have admired her more.
The writing is basicallly good – with some tightening up and a lot more depth to the characters it could make a good story.
Keep writng!
Showing 1 - 10 of 16
Next →
Review item
Add to favesCreator
Relevant Links
Item Stats
GENERAL
4 Reviews 10 Comments
Version 4
Latest Activity: 2 months ago
REVIEW QUEUE
Appeared in Queue: 3 Times
Skipped: 0 Times
Versions
| Version 4 | Version 3 (Deleted) |
| Version 2 | Version 1 (Deleted) |