Thank you, good to know there are people who can relate to my work. I am actualy working on it right now.
I doubt that I know you but hoping to reciveve reviews from you.
Poetry / Letter For You (Analysis)
Letter For You
There was a bright red anorak, which I wore,
To the date, we eagerly met, each other’s soul,
Where, the lovers or the others gather no more.
You were shy, sweet as pie and a cheerful guy.
It was like in the movies, with a beginning in fall,
Country trips, you loved music, driving and all,
I was with you, telling everything you wish to know.
You had feelings, a few friends, and a home to go.
Once though, you were a child, innocent and quiet.
Beautiful face, toys and games not enough praise,
Standing aside of a crowd with longing in your gaze.
He’ll grow up; find more courage and the key to his soul.
Wanting to know if you are all right or still feeling raw,
I am in the city, where you left me, waiting to grow.
Wishing the dreams, would lead me to a safer shore,
Where life could be like a letter, written with a satin coal.
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Smeezer reviewed Version 1 -
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Dexus reviewed Version 1 -
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I gather this poem is inspired by a long distance relationship? Some lines seem you try too hard to make it rhyme and not so hard to get the message through clearly.
“Once though, you were a child, innocent and quiet.
Beautiful face, toys and games not enough praise,
Standing aside of a crowd with longing in your gaze.
He’ll grow up; find more courage and the key to his soul.”—Beautiful imagery, and empathy since we were all children once, but this one stands out against the other 3. Perhaps add another stanza or 2 about childhood, or completely change this one?
Good poetry overall. This has great potential! :)
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wayne_michael reviewed Version 1 -
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Almost felt you had written this for and about me, but how could it be about me – when you don’t know me? Well done, I enjoyed reading this a lot!
Thanks very much for sharing.
Michael
jodsi1971 reviewed Version 1 -
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This could be a lot better. Its just missing soemthing to it. just when I am enjoying it drops off. It could be a lot better. keep up with it.
bear4 reviewed Version 1 -
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‘Satin coal’! What a great image. i also liked how much you left unexpressed. The hint of him standing aside of a crowd with longing said so much to me.
One nitpick I would have is how your rhyme scheme jumps around. It needs to be consistent or it becomes very jarring.
Good work. Keep writing!
Misticism reviewed Version 1 -
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Your end rhymes are erratic. Perhaps you could restructure your paragraphs so that there might be some pattern to your rhyming.
1st paragraph – 1st and 3rd sentences rhyme
2nd paragraph – 1st and 2nd rhyme
3rd p – 2nd and 3rd rhyme
4th p – the last sentence rhymes with the previous paragaphs last sentence.
I liked your imagery and subject matter. It would be a nice poem if you organized it better.
meltonbooks reviewed Version 1 -
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beautiful letter. written excellent. nice work
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